Ode to the Silence of the Night

[MarkusSinclair]

The muffled silent melody
screams out at night, you I adore
your absence, it is hell for me
It leaves me wanting more and more

your eerie tones of brass and bass
echo and echo in my heart
my loving temptress hide your face
I alone understand your art.

Lo' what cacophony is this
that interrupts my mistress' song?
be still my love, take hold of bliss
Peace, Wait, this won't take long.

a crow had in the other room
across the hall began to squawk
a noise not even called a tune
begrudgingly began my walk

The door creaked open with sigh
"can you hurry" It seemed to say
"Night wants to sing, she wants to die"
Gesturing with wooden arm "Obey!"

"Of course, of course. I will oblige
though not for you I do this deed
but for my mistress" I replied
I stepped in on my shadow's lead.

A monster, I did see it now
beneath the sheets it heaved and moaned
though full of fright I wiped my brow
Now callous as if struck and stoned

It snarled and spat almost in spite.
Its hatred for my love now known
And slipping through the darkest night
I struck, I struck it to the bone

With knife now drawn and sheathed inside
The bewildered thing gave a scream
In blood soaked sheets it promptly died
And I walked out as in a dream

The muffled silent melody
screams out at night, you I adore
your absence, it is hell for me
It leaves me wanting more and more

[billy]

first off it's archaic. archaic poems or writing should for me at least be archaic in form
this one is. i have recall a rock or heavy metal song called silence of the night but can't recall the lyrics. ( i'm a soul man )

i like the way the first verse connects with the second, (brass and muffled as in sax or trumpet)
the second verse sets off a feel of jazz in me. (intended or not). ;

your eerie tones of brass and bass
echo and echo in my heart
my loving temptress hide your face
I alone understand your art.

the 4th verse also gives me a feel of jazz or swing. (i feel i'm really losing it now lol)


all that said. verse 4, 5, and 6 moved me. i felt a few of the lines
were weak;

The bewildered thing gave a scream
In blood soaked sheets it promptly died
And I walked out as in a dream

feel out of place or off kilter with the rest of the poem.
that said it flows well nails the rhyme and has some good imagery
i can't say that i understand it it but i think it's because it needs more than a single read.

thanks for the read markus.

[addy]

A nicely done, disturbing story... kinda like an edgar allan poe tale which is half supernatural (or maybe supernatural), but mostly about psychological horror.Interesting treatment to make it archaic. All it needs is a polish to improve the structure. Read it out to yourself in proper style, and you'll be able to tell where the kinks in the rhythm are. Thanks for the read.

[MarkusSinclair]

first off it's archaic. archaic poems or writing should for me at least be archaic in form
this one is. i have recall a rock or heavy metal song called silence of the night but can't recall the lyrics. ( i'm a soul man )

i like the way the first verse connects with the second, (brass and muffled as in sax or trumpet)
the second verse sets off a feel of jazz in me. (intended or not). ;

your eerie tones of brass and bass
echo and echo in my heart
my loving temptress hide your face
I alone understand your art.

the 4th verse also gives me a feel of jazz or swing. (i feel i'm really losing it now lol)


all that said. verse 4, 5, and 6 moved me. i felt a few of the lines
were weak;

The bewildered thing gave a scream
In blood soaked sheets it promptly died
And I walked out as in a dream

feel out of place or off kilter with the rest of the poem.
that said it flows well nails the rhyme and has some good imagery
i can't say that i understand it it but i think it's because it needs more than a single read.

thanks for the read markus.

the change in avatar is most appreciated as is the feedback

[billy]

more than welcome

[MarkusSinclair]

A nicely done, disturbing story... kinda like an edgar allan poe tale which is half supernatural (or maybe supernatural), but mostly about psychological horror.Interesting treatment to make it archaic. All it needs is a polish to improve the structure. Read it out to yourself in proper style, and you'll be able to tell where the kinks in the rhythm are. Thanks for the read.

Appreciated, some of the kinks are intentional, so the the reader is thrown off and observes that particualr passage more closely. Also, perfect meter can get rather boring don't you think?

[billy]

A nicely done, disturbing story... kinda like an edgar allan poe tale which is half supernatural (or maybe supernatural), but mostly about psychological horror.Interesting treatment to make it archaic. All it needs is a polish to improve the structure. Read it out to yourself in proper style, and you'll be able to tell where the kinks in the rhythm are. Thanks for the read.

Appreciated, some of the kinks are intentional, so the the reader is thrown off and observes that particualr passage more closely. Also, perfect meter can get rather boring don't you think?

you can put an url to any home page you have in you're sig as well.

to you'r question;

if you break meter intentionally it should still work. the disjoint in rhythm should have a point. or shouldn't lol. it's little like hopping. it should be obvious you're hopping instead of lurching on one foot. (in response to your question, not the poem)

[addy]

Appreciated, some of the kinks are intentional, so the the reader is thrown off and observes that particualr passage more closely. Also, perfect meter can get rather boring don't you think?

Ah, I stand corrected then . And yes indeed, a more versatile rhythm can help break through a lull

[heslopian]

The muffled silent melody
screams out at night, you I adore
your absence, it is hell for me
It leaves me wanting more and more

I'd recommend putting speech marks around the phrase "you I adore," to prevent that line from running into the third.

your eerie tones of brass and bass
echo and echo in my heart
my loving temptress hide your face
I alone understand your art.

Instead of "echo and echo," would "keep echoing inside my heart" work better? Not fond of the repetition, that's all. Also, the line "I alone understand your art" seems a wee bit contrived and shallow, as though it's there purely to keep up the rhyme.

Lo' what cacophony is this
that interrupts my mistress' song?
be still my love, take hold of bliss
Peace, Wait, this won't take long.

Instead of "mistress'," which throws off the meter, I think, would "lover's" work better? The last line seems quite erotic, though that could just be my filthy mind

a crow had in the other room
across the hall began to squawk
a noise not even called a tune
begrudgingly began my walk

Perfect. My favourite verse from this piece. Syntax is good, the rhyme and flow work, the images are strong, and there are deep undertones. Reminds me of these great T. S. Eliot lines: "Footfalls echo in the memory/Down the passage which we did not take/Towards the door we never opened/Into the rose-garden."

The door creaked open with sigh
"can you hurry" It seemed to say
"Night wants to sing, she wants to die"
Gesturing with wooden arm "Obey!"

You need an "a" before "sigh." In the last line, I'd put "Then, gesturing with wooden arm: "Obey!"" Also, put a question mark after "hurry."

A monster, I did see it now
beneath the sheets it heaved and moaned
though full of fright I wiped my brow
Now callous as if struck and stoned

I'd recommend that you remove the comma after "monster," or delete all the commas and full stops throughout this piece. Try and go for all or nothing when you write a poem like this. Sporadic punctuation looks sloppy (IMHO).

It snarled and spat almost in spite.
Its hatred for my love now known
And slipping through the darkest night
I struck, I struck it to the bone

Nicely viscious and bitter. The rhyme of "known" and "bone" was beautiful. Chilling and bizarre.

With knife now drawn and sheathed inside
The bewildered thing gave a scream
In blood soaked sheets it promptly died
And I walked out as in a dream

"Inside" seems forced, like it's there simply to rhyme with "died."

In conclusion, a good poem, with a couple of excellent verses, and a beautiful atmosphere of dread, but the archaic structure disrupts the syntax, and your punctuation seems slipshod.

[MarkusSinclair]

The muffled silent melody
screams out at night, you I adore
your absence, it is hell for me
It leaves me wanting more and more

I'd recommend putting speech marks around the phrase "you I adore," to prevent that line from running into the third.

your eerie tones of brass and bass
echo and echo in my heart
my loving temptress hide your face
I alone understand your art.

Instead of "echo and echo," would "keep echoing inside my heart" work better? Not fond of the repetition, that's all. Also, the line "I alone understand your art" seems a wee bit contrived and shallow, as though it's there purely to keep up the rhyme.

Lo' what cacophony is this
that interrupts my mistress' song?
be still my love, take hold of bliss
Peace, Wait, this won't take long.

Instead of "mistress'," which throws off the meter, I think, would "lover's" work better? The last line seems quite erotic, though that could just be my filthy mind

a crow had in the other room
across the hall began to squawk
a noise not even called a tune
begrudgingly began my walk

Perfect. My favourite verse from this piece. Syntax is good, the rhyme and flow work, the images are strong, and there are deep undertones. Reminds me of these great T. S. Eliot lines: "Footfalls echo in the memory/Down the passage which we did not take/Towards the door we never opened/Into the rose-garden."

The door creaked open with sigh
"can you hurry" It seemed to say
"Night wants to sing, she wants to die"
Gesturing with wooden arm "Obey!"

You need an "a" before "sigh." In the last line, I'd put "Then, gesturing with wooden arm: "Obey!"" Also, put a question mark after "hurry."

A monster, I did see it now
beneath the sheets it heaved and moaned
though full of fright I wiped my brow
Now callous as if struck and stoned

I'd recommend that you remove the comma after "monster," or delete all the commas and full stops throughout this piece. Try and go for all or nothing when you write a poem like this. Sporadic punctuation looks sloppy (IMHO).

It snarled and spat almost in spite.
Its hatred for my love now known
And slipping through the darkest night
I struck, I struck it to the bone

Nicely viscious and bitter. The rhyme of "known" and "bone" was beautiful. Chilling and bizarre.

With knife now drawn and sheathed inside
The bewildered thing gave a scream
In blood soaked sheets it promptly died
And I walked out as in a dream

"Inside" seems forced, like it's there simply to rhyme with "died."

In conclusion, a good poem, with a couple of excellent verses, and a beautiful atmosphere of dread, but the archaic structure disrupts the syntax, and your punctuation seems slipshod.

i very much appreciate your honest feedback, puncuation and spelling have never been my strong points