The Trouble With Dying...

[shemthepenman]

The trouble with dying,
kept under my pillow,
evaporates when light
through my window
cracks the broken neck shadows
on the wall,
and abstracts what I cannot abstract any more;
until, the trouble with dying
is no trouble at all.


[i had posted this here before, but as i have recently read a couple of poems about insomnia recently i thought i would repost in solidarity with my sleep deprived comrades - note, the only edits made to the original are the spelling 'any more' (rather than 'anymore') and 'kept' (instead of 'keeps'').]

[Weeded]

Whoa. This is a lot heavier lol. The only line im having trouble with is the second- is this insinuating the Narrator has a gun under his pillow?
Great poem- dark, subtle, and short. Just my kind of poem

[tectak]

The trouble with dying,
kept under my pillow,
evaporates when light
through my window
cracks the broken neck shadows
on the wall,
and abstracts what I cannot abstract any more;
until, the trouble with dying
is no trouble at all.


[i had posted this here before, but as i have recently read a couple of poems about insomnia recently i thought i would repost in solidarity with my sleep deprived comrades - note, the only edits made to the original are the spelling 'any more' (rather than 'anymore') and 'kept' (instead of 'keeps'').]

Hi shem,
Shortform is not always a distillation of a complexity. Here, you are expressing a single thought. The debatable twisting of a succinct adage in the title does not really fit the mood of the piece...partly because the reader takes more from the opening line than from the absurd failure of the title to make sense. This is really where it falls down. We are all at the mercy of our central processing unit, and strive to understand in a "complete" way. I cannot connect the title to the poem nor can I make any headway (good word) with the opening syntax. The sentence structure is way off. It reads as though there is a line missing. Keeping a verb under your pillow is just overpoweringly nonsensical. Read it and weep.
To square the circle, shortform poetry has neither the time nor distance to explain itself if the words do not function in a coherent way...no matter that you may enjoy the tinkering of edgey meanings ( abstract an abstraction?) what matters, surely, is that you make your overall point. Which is?
Could be clearly condensed but for this crit, it is cloudy.
Best,
tectak

[shemthepenman]

The trouble with dying,
kept under my pillow,
evaporates when light
through my window
cracks the broken neck shadows
on the wall,
and abstracts what I cannot abstract any more;
until, the trouble with dying
is no trouble at all.


[i had posted this here before, but as i have recently read a couple of poems about insomnia recently i thought i would repost in solidarity with my sleep deprived comrades - note, the only edits made to the original are the spelling 'any more' (rather than 'anymore') and 'kept' (instead of 'keeps'').]

Hi shem,
Shortform is not always a distillation of a complexity. Here, you are expressing a single thought. The debatable twisting of a succinct adage in the title does not really fit the mood of the piece...partly because the reader takes more from the opening line than from the absurd failure of the title to make sense. This is really where it falls down. We are all at the mercy of our central processing unit, and strive to understand in a "complete" way. I cannot connect the title to the poem nor can I make any headway (good word) with the opening syntax. The sentence structure is way off.  It reads as though there is a line missing. Keeping a verb under your pillow is just overpoweringly nonsensical. Read it and weep.
To square the circle, shortform poetry has neither the time nor distance to explain itself if the words do not function in a coherent way...no matter that you may enjoy the tinkering of edgey meanings ( abstract an abstraction?) what matters, surely, is that you make your overall point. Which is?
Could be clearly condensed but for this crit, it is  cloudy.
Best,
tectak

hello,
i entirely agree about the title. the only reason i didn't change it, is because i had already posted it before (and removed it) and didn't want to appear dishonest by posting the same poem with a different title. but must confess that now you have made me want to keep it.

i am not at the mercy of my central processing unit and i prefer not to understand anything in a complete way and it doesn't really matter to me about making points. there is no point to this poem, at least, not a very sharp one. i also do not think it reads like there is a line missing, and the sentence structure seems perfectly spot on to me.

with regards to the opening, before i address that specifically, i should like to say: since when did poetry become so rigid about logic and sense and reason. if one cannot keep a verb under one's pillow in poetry then i'll be damned with poetry and find somewhere one can keep a verb under one's pillow!

but now, and in all seriousness, the opening line is a problem. it isn't suppose to be a verb, it is an abstract noun (technically not able to be kept under pillows either). the first line is one abstract noun: the-trouble-with-dying. it is a complete idea. it seemingly only manifests itself when i lay my head on the pillow to sleep (and then i can't sleep), and as soon as the morning comes, it disappears completely.

anyway, thanks for reading it, and i genuinely appreciate the feedback (despite my little sarcasms). unfortunately, as i no longer write poetry i won't be making any adjustments to this (oh, fuck it, maybe i will change the title, though). as i said in the little note, i only posted it because i had read the other two poems about insomnia and felt like giving a nod to my baggy eyed bredrins.

---

Whoa. This is a lot heavier lol. The only line im having trouble with is the second- is this insinuating the Narrator has a gun under his pillow?
Great poem- dark, subtle, and short. Just my kind of poem

hello,

i am happy you liked it.
about the second line, like niknak said, i think the title has confused the issue. the suicide aspect to the poem is the less substantial layer, and the title simply confounds, what was, for me, not supposed to be a very difficult poem at all. in which case, no, i hadn't thought of a gun under the narrators pillow. it is part of an extended metaphor using 'the trouble with dying' as a single complete abstract noun. it is this idea which is kept under the pillow.

anyway, thanks for reading.

[tectak]

The trouble with dying,
kept under my pillow,
evaporates when light
through my window
cracks the broken neck shadows
on the wall,
and abstracts what I cannot abstract any more;
until, the trouble with dying
is no trouble at all.


[i had posted this here before, but as i have recently read a couple of poems about insomnia recently i thought i would repost in solidarity with my sleep deprived comrades - note, the only edits made to the original are the spelling 'any more' (rather than 'anymore') and 'kept' (instead of 'keeps'').]

Hi shem,
Shortform is not always a distillation of a complexity. Here, you are expressing a single thought. The debatable twisting of a succinct adage in the title does not really fit the mood of the piece...partly because the reader takes more from the opening line than from the absurd failure of the title to make sense. This is really where it falls down. We are all at the mercy of our central processing unit, and strive to understand in a "complete" way. I cannot connect the title to the poem nor can I make any headway (good word) with the opening syntax. The sentence structure is way off.  It reads as though there is a line missing. Keeping a verb under your pillow is just overpoweringly nonsensical. Read it and weep.
To square the circle, shortform poetry has neither the time nor distance to explain itself if the words do not function in a coherent way...no matter that you may enjoy the tinkering of edgey meanings ( abstract an abstraction?) what matters, surely, is that you make your overall point. Which is?
Could be clearly condensed but for this crit, it is  cloudy.
Best,
tectak

hello,
i entirely agree about the title. the only reason i didn't change it, is because i had already posted it before (and removed it) and didn't want to appear dishonest by posting the same poem with a different title. but must confess that now you have made me want to keep it.

i am not at the mercy of my central processing unit and i prefer not to understand anything in a complete way and it doesn't really matter to me about making points. there is no point to this poem, at least, not a very sharp one. i also do not think it reads like there is a line missing, and the sentence structure seems perfectly spot on to me.

with regards to the opening, before i address that specifically, i should like to say: since when did poetry become so rigid about logic and sense and reason. if one cannot keep a verb under one's pillow in poetry then i'll be damned with poetry and find somewhere one can keep a verb under one's pillow!

but now, and in all seriousness, the opening line is a problem. it isn't suppose to be a verb, it is an abstract noun (technically not able to be kept under pillows either). the first line is one abstract noun: the-trouble-with-dying. it is a complete idea. it seemingly only manifests itself when i lay my head on the pillow to sleep (and then i can't sleep), and as soon as the morning comes, it disappears completely.

anyway, thanks for reading it, and i genuinely appreciate the feedback (despite my little sarcasms). unfortunately, as i no longer write poetry i won't be making any adjustments to this (oh, fuck it, maybe i will change the title, though). as i said in the little note, i only posted it because i had read the other two poems about insomnia and felt like giving a nod to my baggy eyed bredrins.

---

Whoa. This is a lot heavier lol. The only line im having trouble with is the second- is this insinuating the Narrator has a gun under his pillow?
Great poem- dark, subtle, and short. Just my kind of poem

hello,

i am happy you liked it.
about the second line, like niknak said, i think the title has confused the issue. the suicide aspect to the poem is the less substantial layer, and the title simply confounds, what was, for me, not supposed to be a very difficult poem at all. in which case, no, i hadn't thought of a gun under the narrators pillow. it is part of an extended metaphor using 'the trouble with dying' as a single complete abstract noun. it is this idea which is kept under the pillow.

anyway, thanks for reading.

Hi shem,
You must be a  very contented man...long life to you. The "suicide aspect" becomes an irrelevancy after your explanation. I agree that too much analysis causes paralysis so I leave the poem as I found it...but it is one long life sentence
Best,
tectak

[Weeded]

Yeahh, the title was where I based my whole thought of the poem. It's somehow alot simpler looking at it abstractly, I had no idea the definition of an abstract noun until now. Nice.

[ellajam]

The trouble with dying,
kept under my pillow,
evaporates when light
through my window
cracks the broken neck shadows
on the wall,
and abstracts what I cannot abstract any more;
until, the trouble with dying
is no trouble at all.


[i had posted this here before, but as i have recently read a couple of poems about insomnia recently i thought i would repost in solidarity with my sleep deprived comrades - note, the only edits made to the original are the spelling 'any more' (rather than 'anymore') and 'kept' (instead of 'keeps'').]

Hi, Shem, I like the title. It's a thing I've turned over in my brain my whole long life, I keep it as a stuffed animal on my made bed instead of under my pillow and call it reasons to stay alive. I look forward to the time when it is no trouble at all, that time just hasn't gotten here yet and my hair is gray and the dentist wants my paycheck. Still waiting.

[tectak]

The trouble with dying,
kept under my pillow,
evaporates when light
through my window
cracks the broken neck shadows
on the wall,
and abstracts what I cannot abstract any more;
until, the trouble with dying
is no trouble at all.


[i had posted this here before, but as i have recently read a couple of poems about insomnia recently i thought i would repost in solidarity with my sleep deprived comrades - note, the only edits made to the original are the spelling 'any more' (rather than 'anymore') and 'kept' (instead of 'keeps'').]

Hi, Shem, I like the title. It's a thing I've turned over in my brain my whole long life, I keep it as a stuffed animal on my made bed instead of under my pillow and call it reasons to stay alive. I look forward to the time when it is no trouble at all, that time just hasn't gotten here yet and my hair is gray and the dentist wants my paycheck. Still waiting.

NOW I like the title, too.
Best,
tectak

[Quixilated]

Arg. Sorry. Will try harder.

[tectak]

Arg.  Sorry. Will try harder.  

Very good egg.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

Please don't forget that this is miscellaneous and any reply is a good reply.

[tectak]

Please don't forget that this is miscellaneous and any reply is a good reply.

Quite....any reply?
tectak

[milo]

Please don't forget that this is miscellaneous and any reply is a good reply.

Quite....any reply?
tectak

eh - maybe any reply except that one.

[tectak]

Please don't forget that this is miscellaneous and any reply is a good reply.

Quite....any reply?
tectak

eh - maybe any reply except that one.

Precisement

[shemthepenman]

Quite....any reply?
tectak

eh - maybe any reply except that one.

Precisement

i think Quixilated may be feeling a little hard done by, when the mods themselves are filling up the comments section with superfluous waffle

[milo]

Yah, probably didn't notice this was misc

[tectak]

eh - maybe any reply except that one.

Precisement

i think Quixilated may be feeling a little hard done by, when the mods themselves are filling up the comments section with superfluous waffle

You are right, shem. But that milo started it.Fini
Best,
tectak