Cheerios

[underthewronghat]

Cheerios

There are girls outside, ready to hand me
political bumper stickers.  And they're oh
beautiful like the sunrise, and like everything
else that's beautiful like the sunrise.
I no longer have to see the things on
that list to know that they're beautiful.
That in spite of my sleep patterns, there it is:
a white beautiful carcinogenic fist making
everything ephemeral.  The cool angle of
light on a chrome bumper gleams like hope
around the name of every candidate.
I wish I had more water in my eyes,
make the girls outside feel awkward
for a moment, like the umpire making
a bad call at the baseball game, how we love
to heckle and jeer.  At 6am
when the sprinklers come on at the stadium
even in the parking lot, flowers pose, car doors
empty their endless girls and close, the 
shadows stretch and cast themselves over
water, over chalk lines in a hundred miniature
baseball diamond rainbows.  This will be
the pitch.  The first one
to start the season, mayor smile, take
the white ball, take the picture, just for fun,
take umbrage at the radar gun.  Stand up
tall to see a world polishing every road
that's how the girls can find your number
on the list of things that pollinate among 
the early buzzing of our white dotted lines.  
"It's elementary, it's opinion, my dear
contextual oreo."  The rims of their glasses 
glow.  Sexy oranges, beautiful spin, and good 
morning sunshine.


--wrote this silly thing last night...  not how accessible it is.

[rayheinrich]

Cheerios

There are girls outside, ready to hand me
political bumper stickers.  And they're oh
beautiful like the sunrise, and like everything
else that's beautiful like the sunrise.
I no longer have to see the things on
that list to know that they're beautiful.
That in spite of my sleep patterns, there it is:
a white beautiful carcinogenic fist making
everything ephemeral.  The cool angle of
light on a chrome bumper gleams like hope
around the name of every candidate.
I wish I had more water in my eyes,
make the girls outside feel awkward
for a moment, like the umpire making
a bad call at the baseball game, how we love
to heckle and jeer.  At 6am
when the sprinklers come on at the stadium
even in the parking lot, flowers pose, car doors
empty their endless girls and close, the 
shadows stretch and cast themselves over
water, over chalk lines in a hundred miniature
baseball diamond rainbows.  This will be
the pitch.  The first one
to start the season, mayor smile, take
the white ball, take the picture, just for fun,
take umbrage at the radar gun.  Stand up
tall to see a world polishing every road
that's how the girls can find your number
on the list of things that pollinate among 
the early buzzing of our white dotted lines.  
"It's elementary, it's opinion, my dear
contextual oreo."  The rims of their glasses 
glow.  Sexy oranges, beautiful spin, and good 
morning sunshine.


--wrote this silly thing last night...  not how accessible it is.

Not that silly (except where it's supposed to be). The humour certainly isn't silly,
it highlights its more profound aspects (of which there are many).

Loved:
"The cool angle of
light on a chrome bumper gleams like hope
around the name of every candidate."

"when the sprinklers come on at the stadium
even in the parking lot" - even humourous eco-political commentary

And all those other wonderfully original metaphors.

It's quite good.
It deserves a more thoughtful critique from me, but I'm trying to get four cats ready for a trip to the vet.
Ray

P.S. That "oh" on the second line needs either punctuation or removal.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Under. I quite like this. The spontaneity works. I think a first edit might benefit from some word chopping and some thoughtful line breaks. Some thoughts below...

Cheerios

There are girls outside, (girls) ready to hand me I love the repetition of the sunrise in L3,L4 - I would consider hinting at it with repeating "girls"
political bumper stickers.  And they're oh
beautiful like the sunrise, 
and like everything else 
that's beautiful like the sunrise.
I no longer have to see the things on
that list to know that they're beautiful.
That in spite of my sleep patterns, there it is:
a white beautiful carcinogenic fist 
making everything ephemeral.  
The cool angle of light 
on a chrome bumper gleams like hope
around the name of every candidate. Nice
I wish I had more water in my eyes;
make the girls outside feel awkward
for a moment, like the umpire making
a bad call at the baseball game, how we love
to heckle and jeer.  At 6am
when the sprinklers come on at the stadiumFor word economy you might consider something like "soak" to replace "come on at "... your poem.
even in the parking lot, flowers pose, car doors
empty their endless girls and close, the 
shadows stretch and cast themselves over
water, over chalk lines in a hundred miniature
baseball diamond rainbows.  This will be
the pitch.  The first one
to start the season, mayor smile, take
the white ball, take the picture, just for fun,
take umbrage at the radar gun.  Stand up
tall to see a world polishing every road
that's how the girls can find your number
on the list of things that pollinate among 
the early buzzing of our white dotted lines.  
"It's elementary, it's opinion, my dear
contextual oreo."  The rims of their glasses 
glow.  Sexy oranges, beautiful spin, and good 
morning sunshine.


--wrote this silly thing last night...  not how accessible it is.

I stopped adjusting the line breaks after the first few lines as it was really only my opinion. But I do think the poem was worth that sort of tweaking. Not to my tastes but your own. Quick writing is some of the best. You only need to check Milo's NaPM threads to confirm that. I enjoyed this. Welcome.
Paul

[rayheinrich]

...
Quick writing is some of the best. You only need to check Milo's NaPM threads to confirm that.

    While quick writing requires more time spent editing, it can contain a
    subconscious spirit that our rational selves can't duplicate.
    (Though when it contains too much of that spirit, it looks pretty terrible the next morning.)


    " Write drunk, edit sober " - attributed to many people, most notably Hemingway.