An Empty Vessle, or a Broken Sea

[Lloyd E Dixon]

An Empty Vessel, or Broken Sea?

How was I to know,
of all the faces
your's would be misplaced
in a terror show,
How could I had thought,
of walking away
Is the same as letting go,
Wasn't how I was taught,
How tough the folds,
become now that
The distance isn't as distant,
When I knew I was bold,
How comparable,
the shores of lands
Harbors once grand
And plentiful,
How their ports dry one season,
And became a dream
of man's greater comprise,
And broken comprehenions,
But if their was one thing,
They would say,
And we knew it,
We could have saved the day.
Now the tide is of their illusion,
And so the ship's,
And so the man.
And we, too.

[Lloyd E Dixon]

A like or dislike? Something. Know it's vague/rough draft. Critique the "shits" out of it, let me know something. Too simple, too vague, rhyme no reason. No rhyme no reason. Anything, first post. Throwing out there like a desperate lamb, but it's okay to slaughter/sacrifice this lam... I don't know. Don't leave me hanging bros/brosettes.

[just mercedes]

Hi Lloyd - Your thread title has a typo, which is a bit off-putting.I hate starting in on spelling, but it's hard to ignore, right at the entrance.

An Empty Vessel, or Broken Sea?

How was I to know,
of all the faces
your's would be misplaced should be 'yours'
in a terror show, I think you need a ? instead of a ,
How could I had thought,
of walking away
Is the same as letting go, these three lines are confusing because of the mixture of tenses
Wasn't how I was taught,
How tough the folds,
become now that again, tenses are mixed
The distance isn't as distant,
When I knew I was bold,
How comparable,
the shores of lands
Harbors once grand
And plentiful,
How their ports dry one season,
And became a dream
of man's greater comprise, tenses
And broken comprehenions, comprehensions?
But if their was one thing, there
They would say, tenses
And we knew it,
We could have saved the day.
Now the tide is of their illusion,
And so the ship's, confusing
And so the man.
And we, too.

I think it would be much easier to read your poem if you used capital letters ONLY at the start of a new sentence or phrase, and used some stanza breaks to give your reader a pause between images. You also use , when the sense of the words means it should be . However, because of your arbitrary use of capital letters, it's hard to be sure of that.

You have me something to think about, though, with the contrast between what was once grand and plentiful, and the dry season. I think you could work that metaphor further, if you revise your poem. Thanks for the read.

I'm a bit confused about who 'your face' belongs to, and who the 'we' and 'they' are, too.

[Lloyd E Dixon]

It's a work in progress. Thank you for the input. Noticed the misspelled "vessel" after post. I plan on making revisions, and hopefully get your input again. Thanks, again. I may change the past/present/future tense, but I'm not suelre how yet, and I kind of want to be more discriptive, but the may just be the part of me that likes to lay it on the table. Anymore information or ideas are helpful.

[rowens]

How was I to know
of all faces 
yours would be misplaced
in a terror show

You could get rid of all the punctuation until you know how it works. Maybe 'the' or 'this' terror show. Or leave 'a' as it is.



How could I think
walking away
is letting go

You could lose words here and there.


Wasn't how I was taught,
How tough the folds,
become now that 
The distance isn't as distant,
When I knew I was bold,
How comparable,
the shores of lands
Harbors once grand 
And plentiful,
How their ports dry one season,
And became a dream
of man's greater comprise,
And broken comprehenions,
But if their was one thing,
They would say,
And we knew it,
We could have saved the day.
Now the tide is of their illusion,
And so the ship's,
And so the man.
And we, too.

Tamper with it, losing punctuation and unnecessary words, reword, and add words if any strike you. Right now it seems like a case of trying to say something in a poetic way in a language you aren't used to speaking in. 

[billy]

at present it reads too wordy for me. Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all [/i]the world, she walks into mine; the opening makes me think of cassablanca. [the film]
try and cut out excess, ie;

your face was missplaced
in a terror show

you could play with enjambment

your face was miss
placed in a terror show not saying do it, just saying it's one suggestion of many that could be.

is/was walking away
letting go?

go through the poem and say it in as few words as possible. then is the time to add/embellish, that's embellish not bury. great to see you intend to work at it.

An Empty Vessel, or Broken Sea?

How was I to know,
of all the faces
your's would be misplaced
in a terror show,
How could I had thought,
of walking away
Is the same as letting go,
Wasn't how I was taught, [it] wasn't...
How tough the folds,
become now that
The distance isn't as distant,
When I knew I was bold,
How comparable,
the shores of lands
Harbors once grand
And plentiful,
How their ports dry one season,
And became a dream
of man's greater comprise,
And broken comprehenions,
But if their was one thing, this and the next two lines add zero to the poem
They would say,
And we knew it,
We could have saved the day. big big cliche
Now the tide is of their illusion,
And so the ship's,
And so the man.
And we, too.