The world breaks everyone

[musesbydaylight]

The world breaks everyone

I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmary
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby
Till the worms started feeding on the roots.
 
Outside,
        The trees waved their black roots
        Mourned their miscarried fruits
        Choked six feet deep
        In the rich dirt.
 
We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuck
Our roots
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break.
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentle
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello muse,
I am currently in a "critique phase" where I am going to respond with first impressions, and then possibly circle back with a 2nd (possibly much different ) impression:

The world breaks everyone title sets a good hook, so I have to read...

I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmaryI'm going to need a better understanding of this place than I currently have
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby"cool" suggests a problem, as a baby would be warm
Till the worms started feeding on the roots.and now the baby is dead

Outside,
       The trees waved their black roots"waved" ??  maybe "dug in"
       Mourned their miscarried fruits
       Choked six feet deep
       In the rich dirt.

We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuckthis is where it refers back to the "trees waved", which is why I suggested "dug in" (above)
Our rootsthe metaphor is completed here: patients/trees
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break.this break is the critical point, as the patients, in fact, do break
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentlea sign of resignation/acceptance now
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. the real world, of course, is very unforgiving...

Ok muse, that's what I get the first time through.  The construction is strong enough that I'd be surprised if I am far off from the effect intended (by you, the writer).  Simple language, plainly stated: strong, powerful piece, once it settles in... one or two minor changes and it would be a direct hit on my heart

... Mark

[musesbydaylight]

Hello muse,
I am currently in a "critique phase" where I am going to respond with first impressions, and then possibly circle back with a 2nd (possibly much different ) impression:

The world breaks everyone title sets a good hook, so I have to read...

I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmaryI'm going to need a better understanding of this place than I currently have
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby"cool" suggests a problem, as a baby would be warm
Till the worms started feeding on the roots.and now the baby is dead

Outside,
       The trees waved their black roots"waved" ??  maybe "dug in"
       Mourned their miscarried fruits
       Choked six feet deep
       In the rich dirt.

We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuckthis is where it refers back to the "trees waved", which is why I suggested "dug in" (above)
Our rootsthe metaphor is completed here: patients/trees
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break.this break is the critical point, as the patients, in fact, do break
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentlea sign of resignation/acceptance now
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. the real world, of course, is very unforgiving...

Ok muse, that's what I get the first time through.  The construction is strong enough that I'd be surprised if I am far off from the effect intended (by you, the writer).  Simple language, plainly stated: strong, powerful piece, once it settles in... one or two minor changes and it would be a direct hit on my heart

... Mark

Your initial impression is not far off at all Mark. And Im glad you think this poem has potential. 

As for the roots being "dug in" as opposed to waving.

I was actually going for a very particular image and line of thought. I imagined the infirmary as a final and temporary refuge for the patients from life or the "outside." 
As you said- life is not forgiving. The "outside" is characterized by a sense of wrongness and destruction; by a nightmarish surreal quality. Thus we have trees waving their black roots. The implication is that the trees have been uprooted with their roots waving in the air and the fruits "miscarried" and buried in the ground.

And eventually in the infirmary the patients are uprooted too. The worms get to them.

Does this make sense to you? Or do you still feel upon reading the poem that an alternate line or image should be used?


Thanks for taking the time to read and review the poem, Mark. Much appreciated.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again muse-

I'll clarify. I very much LOVE the image of the "black roots" waving, I just don't know if it's the correct image for this particular poem.

I certainly did interpret that the "worms" were eating at the patients, too, and that's why I commented on life being unforgiving (at times).

I did not get a sense of the infirmary as a "last stop" for the patients. A temporary stop, YES.

What I saw was a miscarried baby; trauma of the mother; and desperation of the patients. This is where I need more info on St James infirmary. If it's not supplied from the poem, I must break my train of thought to look it up.

And I did look it up, which in fact does put me more in line with your intent. That said, the impact of the first read was dulled by my lack of knowledge of the place where the action was happening.

Adding more of a description of St James would help, BUT it may, unfortunately, defuse the poem, as well. Perhaps not being so specific about the place would help. Somehow I get the feeling that it not going to happen because you (the writer) may have a connection to this place that is the basis for your poem.

That's about as good as I can 'splain myself, muse.

... Mark

Hello muse,
I am currently in a "critique phase" were I am going to respond with first impressions, and then possibly circle back with a 2nd (possibly much different ) impression:

The world breaks everyone title sets a good hook, so I have to read...

I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmaryI'm going to need a better understanding of this place than I currently have
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby"cool" suggests a problem, as a baby would be warm
Till the worms started feeding on the roots.and now the baby is dead

Outside,
       The trees waved their black roots"waved" ??  maybe "dug in"
       Mourned their miscarried fruits
       Choked six feet deep
       In the rich dirt.

We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuckthis is where it refers back to the "trees waved", which is why I suggested "dug in" (above)
Our rootsthe metaphor is completed here: patients/trees
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break.this break is the critical point, as the patients, in fact, do break
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentlea sign of resignation/acceptance now
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. the real world, of course, is very unforgiving...

Ok muse, that's what I get the first time through.  The construction is strong enough that I'd be surprised if I am far off from the effect intended (by you, the writer).  Simple language, plainly stated: strong, powerful piece, once it settles in... one or two minor changes and it would be a direct hit on my heart

... Mark

Your initial impression is not far off at all Mark. And Im glad you think this poem has potential. 

As for the roots being "dug in" as opposed to waving.

I was actually going for a very particular image and line of thought. I imagined the infirmary as a final and temporary refuge for the patients from life or the "outside." 
As you said- life is not forgiving. The "outside" is characterized by a sense of wrongness and destruction; by a nightmarish surreal quality. Thus we have trees waving their black roots. The implication is that the trees have been uprooted with their roots waving in the air and the fruits "miscarried" and buried in the ground.

And eventually in the infirmary the patients are uprooted too. The worms get to them.

Does this make sense to you? Or do you still feel upon reading the poem that an alternate line or image should be used?


Thanks for taking the time to read and review the poem, Mark. Much appreciated.

[musesbydaylight]

Very astute Mark.

I am going to stick with St. James infirmary. At least for now. 

Thanks for explaining your thought process to me. Writing a poem, at least the way I do it, is such a hermetic exercise. It's highly useful when you have candid feedback from a reader on how it affects them.

[musesbydaylight]

Thank you for your considered feedback mate. You definitely give some good insight.

You are now the second person to complain about the line "The trees wave their black roots"

I am considering bolstering the imagery by using a bit of your suggestion.

"Outside,
               The upturned trees wave their black roots
                Mourning their miscarried fruits
                Choked six feet deep
                 In the rich dirt"

Does the imagery clear itself up here?

About what you said regarding surrealist poetry; I didnt set out to write a poem that would be described as textbook "surrealist."

What I wanted to evoke was the surreal and dangerous nature of life, and how the infirmary gave the patients a momentary respite before obliteration.
 So while not writing an exact surrealist poem, I did want an element of the surreal to permeate the poem.

The poem was inspired actually, somewhat obliquely, by the novel "A farewell to arms" by Ernest Hemingway. In particular this quote from the novel:

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."

There is a fatalistic yet sincerely romantic nature to it that enthralled me.


Once again, thanks for the feedback. You really put some thought into critiquing my poem and I appreciate it.

[RiverNotch]

The world breaks everyone

I walked through the woods
To St. James infirmary St. James Infirmary Blues? If so, I read it has many versions -- which one? Otherwise, why "St. James"?
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby Two lines reinforce the reference. Nice, nice.
Till the worms started feeding on the roots. And then a good bit of this. I wonder...
 
Outside,
        The trees waved their black roots
        Mourned their miscarried fruits
        Choked six feet deep
        In the rich dirt. This, I think, is a good example of no punctuation, because it's easy to understand so, and the rhythm would suffer if not. The waving roots are a weird image once seen (I used that in a poem once, and a friend so commented -- and I found myself thinking so soon enough), but it could work here -- I hope you did not mean to conjure "fallen fruits" by "miscarried", because the associations of "miscarried" with pregnancies -- an unclear point: though choking six feet deep is good, I can't tell who's choking.
 
We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuck
Our roots
Would not break I don't think the lack of punctuation (the lack of distinction) is here really effective. I just got really annoyed by the double use of roots there, as it seemed like a grammatical error more than anything, while, well, where the hell did you stick the roots in? And so, fix this whole chunk of text, and punctuate -- and, since you seem to be talking about steam here, maybe add some more humps?
We would not break
We would not-
Break. And what's the point of the repetition here? I get the break, but the repetition just makes the break part seem like a trifle. Remove the first "We would not break".
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentle
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. Tiny but important note: your wee metaphor seems wildly inconsistent from real life. Why would worms go for the generally harder to get (I mean, wood!) roots first, rather than the fallen fruits? And don't tell me you meant not the miscarried fruits here -- they were the only ones mentioned existing, even if the implication was there. And overall point: you know, with the image of the infirmary, the root worms, and the miscarried fruits, I was really hoping for something that had, well, slightly more hotness, and much more horror; but no.

[tomoffing]

Hello Muse,

I've jumped right in below.

The world breaks everyone

I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmary simple effective opening. I don't have a clear picture yet, but it's specific enough that I'm confident it will develop.
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby the "and" is unnecessary. Immediately I'm unsure on "cool" baby, unless there is a very morbid theme coming. Knowing now said morbid theme is coming, I'm more uncomfortable with "clean". In either case, I think you can find stronger adjectives for this line that suit the remainder of the piece.
Till the worms started feeding on the roots. 
Is Till suitable here? Did you stay until the worms started feeding? Is that important. Your next lines tell me you didn't stay, and so I'm confused. I would recommend a period at baby, followed by a standalone line, "The worms started feeding on the roots". This is more impactful. I'd also recommend replacing "started" with "began", as sonically it flows better to my ear.
 
Outside,
        The trees waved their black roots I like the image of tree branches as roots in darkness, but the repetition from the previous line spoils it somewhat.
        Mourned their miscarried fruits This is powerful as I'm now fully emotionally involved. Well done.
        Choked six feet deep
        In the rich dirt. "rich" Doesn't add anything for me. I would remove.
 
We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed I know you're in the infirmary already, so an alternative adjective or removal would be preferable to me.
And we smiled and stuck
Our roots
Would not break 
We would not break
We would not-
Break.  

Further comment on the preceding 8 lines overall. The absence of any punctuation makes this almost incomprehensible. To borrow a tip from Tectak, try writing the lines in prose format, which yields;
We could see it all Naked in the infirmary bed And we smiled and stuck Our roots Would not break We would not break We would not- Break. 
As I said, pretty much incomprehensible. 
That said, I do appreciate the repetition and acceleration that picks up in the second 4 lines. 
A slight restructuring at 1 or 2 well chosen points will improve this immensely. I won't advise where though, as it very much depends on your intent.


And we were 
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentle
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits.
With the exception of the "Ands" these closing 6 lines are excellent. You expand the incantation type element begun with "We would not break".

I would suggest;
And we were 

Very brave

Very strong

Very gentle

And the worms fed on the roots
then the fruits.

My apologies if I've rewritten excessively in places here, but i found this really engrossing. 

Thank you for the evocative read, i'll keep an eye out for any edits.
t

[shemthepenman]

hello,

The world breaks everyone - yep, the title is interesting right away.

I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmary
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby
Till the worms started feeding on the roots. - nice little reference to st. james infirmary blues[I was down to St. James infirmary, I saw my baby there She was stretched out on a long white table, So sweet, cool and so fair], which is a bonus. it has that lyrical feel to it, in any case.
 
Outside,
        The trees waved their black roots - i don't mind the image of trees waving their black roots, yet, i would question the effectiveness of having the words roots finishing two close lines.
        Mourned their miscarried fruits - though i think this an interesting idea [miscarried fruits], i can't help thinking the anthropomorphic 'mourned' sounds weak and lazy - not to mention punctuation would help give some clarity.
        Choked six feet deep
        In the rich dirt. - i am not sure having no punctuation is a good idea; not only have you used punctuation [the comma and the full stop], and therefore show a lack of confidence; but also, there is a lot going on and the flow is broken by the reader having to arrange everything to make sense.
 
We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuck - i like it. the way these lines all flow into each other. i really like 'we smiled and stuck', but again, i think some actual punctuation is needed.
Our roots
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break. - i don't think the reiteration is necessary.
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentle -ok, one can get away with using 'very' once, but 3 times :/
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. - oh look, a full stop! anyway, i can't help thinking this poem ended after the first 'we would not break'; the rest is a bit of a 'skip!'

i hope you can make sense of my comments... i am extremely tired and i am not sure if it even makes sense to me...