My Dream Girl

[Weeded]

I wasn't planning on editing this, but Milo mentioned I should work on my line breaks so I did. Please comment if more work needs to be done, thanks.

Edit 1


My Dream Girl

Today I met the girl
of my dreams.
She wrote poetry
(far better than I),
sang, danced, cooked,
cleaned; More beautiful
than Jennifer Aniston, 
Garner, Lawrence, Lopez...

Combined.

She was more interesting
than I could ever perceive.
We talked for hours
it seemed-- about inspiration 
amongst other things. My friends
tried to woo her when I walked 
away. She texted me pleading
"Come back to me!" I replied...

"Come dine?"

So at a diner we met,
I wept, she asked why.
"You're the girl of my dreams,
and I'm afraid our time's limited
for soon we all wake, forever
we'll seperate. For that my eyes quake."
She simply smiled, a luscious strand
of hair caught in her lips, and said:

"Relax."

So I relaxed and we lived,
for once in my life.
We took a train to nowhere,
we rode a ferris wheel
at the fair. We danced in the bar
when no one else would,
we snuck in the movies like
children. We made love. Twice.

Climax.

Life can be so climactic...
we took a stroll down the block
when a shadowy figure crossed
our path. Rather than walk my dream
girl straight to danger, we crossed the street.
Yet the shadowy figure followed, 
as he drew closer I whispered "Run!"
I turned. He drew a knife and stabbed m-

Awaken.

Original


Today I met the
girl of my dreams.
She wrote poetry
(far better than I),
sang, danced, cooked,
cleaned; She was more
beautiful than Jennifer
Aniston, Garner, Lopez...

Combined.

She was more interesting
than I could ever perceive.
We talked for hours it seemed,
about inspiration amongst
other things. My friends tried
to woo her when I walked away.
She simply texted me pleading
"Come back to me!" I replied...

"Come dine?"

So at a diner we met,
I wept, she asked why.
"You're the girl of my dreams,
and I'm afraid our times limited.
For soon we all wake, forever you'll
be gone, for that my eyes quake."
She simply smiled, a luscious strand
of hair caught in her lips, and said:

"Relax."

So I relaxed and we lived,
for once in my life.
We took a train to nowhere,
we rode a ferris wheel at
the fair. We danced in the
bar when no one else would,
we snuck in the movies like
children. We made love. Twice.

Climax.

Life can be so climactic...
we took a stroll down the block
when a shadowy figure crossed
our path. Rather than walk my dream
girl straight to danger, we crossed the street. Yet the figure followed us, as
he closed in I told her "Run!" and turned
around. He drew a knife and stabbed m-

Awaken.

[ellajam]

good read. typo "our time's limited" and you might drop the period after it.

[milo]

My Dream Girl

Today I met the
girl of my dreams.
She wrote poetry
(far better than I),
sang, danced, cooked,
cleaned; She was more
beautiful than Jennifer
Aniston, Garner, Lopez...

Combined.

She was more interesting
than I could ever perceive.
We talked for hours it seemed,
about inspiration amongst
other things. My friends tried
to woo her when I walked away.
She simply texted me pleading
"Come back to me!" I replied...

"Come dine?"

So at a diner we met,
I wept, she asked why.
"You're the girl of my dreams,
and I'm afraid our times limited.
For soon we all wake, forever you'll
be gone, for that my eyes quake."
She simply smiled, a luscious strand
of hair caught in her lips, and said:

"Relax."

So I relaxed and we lived,
for once in my life.
We took a train to nowhere,
we rode a ferris wheel at
the fair. We danced in the
bar when no one else would,
we snuck in the movies like
children. We made love. Twice.

Climax.

Life can be so climactic...
we took a stroll down the block
when a shadowy figure crossed
our path. Rather than walk my dream
girl straight to danger, we crossed the street.
Yet the figure followed us, as he
closed in I told her "Run!" and turned
around. He drew a knife and stabbed m-

Awaken.

I think you might want to work on your line breaks.

[Weeded]

Thanks Ella Ah slipped by me I'll change it now

---

Milo,
Noted, any breaks in particular that bug you?

[milo]

Thanks Ella Ah slipped by me I'll change it now

---

Milo,
Noted, any breaks in particular that bug you?

I don't know how familiar you are with line breaks but they are /very/ important in poetry.  i suggest you read a couple of the threads available right on this very forum (helpful ella may be along any minute to guide you along the way).

i would suggest never breaking on "the" and working up from there.

[justlikeyou]

My Dream Girl

Today I met the
girl of my dreams.
She wrote poetry
(far better than I),
sang, danced, cooked,
cleaned; She was more
beautiful than Jennifer
Aniston, Garner, Lopez...

Combined.

She was more interesting
than I could ever perceive.
We talked for hours it seemed,
about inspiration amongst
other things. My friends tried
to woo her when I walked away.
She simply texted me pleading
"Come back to me!" I replied...

"Come dine?"

So at a diner we met,
I wept, she asked why.
"You're the girl of my dreams,
and I'm afraid our time's limited
for soon we all wake, forever you'll
be gone, for that my eyes quake."
She simply smiled, a luscious strand
of hair caught in her lips, and said:

"Relax."

So I relaxed and we lived,
for once in my life.
We took a train to nowhere,
we rode a ferris wheel at
the fair. We danced in the
bar when no one else would,
we snuck in the movies like
children. We made love. Twice.

Climax.

Life can be so climactic...
we took a stroll down the block
when a shadowy figure crossed
our path. Rather than walk my dream
girl straight to danger, we crossed the street.
Yet the figure followed us, as he
closed in I told her "Run!" and turned
around. He drew a knife and stabbed m-

Awaken.

Enjoyable adventure!

[Weeded]

All I know about line breaks is that's when the line goes to the next haha. I'll get to studying, thanks!

---

Justlikeyou,

Thanks! Enjoying your picture poems.

[ellajam]

The Line:
http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=4281

This one is on line length, it's sort of butchered due to a self-deletion frenzy but you can follow it through the quotes, and I love this one.
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=11672

This post had the biggest effect on me:

Someone told me once that you should have every line break point to the central metaphor. I kind of dismissed it at the time as impossible but I think now that ideally this is true.

Oh, and there's a link on the right side of our home page to Colin Ward's Poetry Tips,  if you haven't read it give it a go, a fun and informative read.

[Weeded]

Ahh yes like Milo said, helpful Ella to the rescue

Wow, I immediately dismissed the first sentence of Milos quote. Then I read the second. 

Thanks for the links, I'll be sure to give them a read.

[Stateofmind]

I wasn't planning on editing this, but Milo mentioned I should work on my line breaks so I did. Please comment if more work needs to be done, thanks.

Edit 1


My Dream Girl

Today I met the girl
of my dreams.
She wrote poetry
(far better than I),
sang, danced, cooked,
cleaned; More beautiful
than Jennifer Aniston, 
Garner, Lawrence, Lopez...

Combined.

She was more interesting
than I could ever perceive.
We talked for hours
it seemed-- about inspiration 
amongst other things. My friends
tried to woo her when I walked 
away. She texted me pleading
"Come back to me!" I replied...

"Come dine?"

So at a diner we met,
I wept, she asked why.
"You're the girl of my dreams,
and I'm afraid our time's limited
for soon we all wake, forever
we'll seperate. For that my eyes quake."
She simply smiled, a luscious strand
of hair caught in her lips, and said:

"Relax."

So I relaxed and we lived,
for once in my life.
We took a train to nowhere,
we rode a ferris wheel
at the fair. We danced in the bar
when no one else would,
we snuck in the movies like
children. We made love. Twice.

Climax.

Life can be so climactic...
we took a stroll down the block
when a shadowy figure crossed
our path. Rather than walk my dream
girl straight to danger, we crossed the street.
Yet the shadowy figure followed, 
as he drew closer I whispered "Run!"
I turned. He drew a knife and stabbed m-

Awaken.

Original


Today I met the
girl of my dreams.
She wrote poetry
(far better than I),
sang, danced, cooked,
cleaned; She was more
beautiful than Jennifer
Aniston, Garner, Lopez...

Combined.

She was more interesting
than I could ever perceive.
We talked for hours it seemed,
about inspiration amongst
other things. My friends tried
to woo her when I walked away.
She simply texted me pleading
"Come back to me!" I replied...

"Come dine?"

So at a diner we met,
I wept, she asked why.
"You're the girl of my dreams,
and I'm afraid our times limited.
For soon we all wake, forever you'll
be gone, for that my eyes quake."
She simply smiled, a luscious strand
of hair caught in her lips, and said:

"Relax."

So I relaxed and we lived,
for once in my life.
We took a train to nowhere,
we rode a ferris wheel at
the fair. We danced in the
bar when no one else would,
we snuck in the movies like
children. We made love. Twice.

Climax.

Life can be so climactic...
we took a stroll down the block
when a shadowy figure crossed
our path. Rather than walk my dream
girl straight to danger, we crossed the street. Yet the figure followed us, as
he closed in I told her "Run!" and turned
around. He drew a knife and stabbed m-

Awaken.

I enjoyed the journey this took me on. When she said, "Relax".... so didn't I lol. There's nothing like that moment when ur assured that everything will be ok. I was actually fearful for the couple at the mention of a "shadow figure". And I'm glad u woke up, but a little disappointed it was all a dream lol. Thanks for this.

[Weeded]

Thanks stateofmind, glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, I was disappointed too! 

[2abi100]

only posts placed in the serious, mild and novice forum go towards you 3 post counts./mod

I like when it went to a new subject you used titles basically to make it more interesting, like the terms relax, climax etc
It made it more better and made it more edged into my head
I like how you made it seem like it wasn't a dream with the term "relax" until the shadowy figure appeared and ended with "awaken" which was great how you did that.

I don't know what you should work on but I guess you could try different techniques like starting from the end of the story and finishing at the start or something like that but on all that, great poem!