Home Run Edit 3.51 cider, river

[tectak]

That night the moon dipped down her crown, and glowing, raced us home.

She sped on hedges, skimming  black-browed, deep-ploughed fields;
vanquished by the unseen wraiths  that rose from hollows hid by shade,
to flash again through  fence and tree, on pallid, swirling sprites.
Writhing like smoke, they fell behind to die in scarlet light.

We breathed and drank the damp, quick air so none was left for words;
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I as one.

Our bobbing beam lit eyes in earth and grass and bush and tree,
each stare a star in moments lost to miles sucked up by time.
We neither gasped nor pointed “look!” as each bright light blinked out;
for this was not our time to dwell but time to journey on.

We smiled 'neath scented canopies as heaven lost to leaf;
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I at peace.

Familiar lifts and swaying turns made strangely known our path.
No maps nor guides could steal this sense, our bodies felt the line.
Leaning in advance of bends, we hugged then flew the ironed way.
As gravity reversed we rose, held by its weightless hand.

Before us fell the hill to hope and warmth from welcome walls;
just faster than the moon we rolled, you and I…then home.    

Tectak
2012
 
A bump but also a much needed edit. Thanks to all who helped it along.

[cidermaid]

Hi tec,
out of practice with crit / poetry / pig banter et all, but I just wanted to comment on this because it has an enchanting quality that keep drawing me back.
I have been away a lot and not actually seen any previous work n this poem, so these are fresh eyes so to speak.

Enjoy the breathless sense of speed I get from the read and this in turn fits well with the title.  Although for me home run made me think of  a sport / ball game setting and then when applied to the subject of the poem smacks as arty  (which is to say I'm not over keen on it)

That night the moon dipped down her crown, and glowing, raced us home.   Lovely opening.   The whole poem in a line, so that what follows does what it says on the tin.  (I would prefer it if "That night" was the title followed by the rest as the sentence as the first line)

She sped on hedges, skimmed the black-browed, deep-ploughed fields;   feel that it is clear enough on full reading that the she is the moon, so okay with this... and adore the sonics in this line - beautifuly done.
vanquished by the wraiths unseen that rise from hollows hid by shade,  think I would prefer the unseen to be set before wraiths, construct wise it feels odd this way round to me. (and could then drop the).
to flash again through hedge and tree, on pallid, swirling sprites…  Like the bounce effect  by the repition of the word hedge. (gives both a sonic boost and an image boost to the story).
writhing like smoke, they fell behind then died in scarlet light.  nice solid nature image.   ? move the comma from after smokes to after  behind.  

We breathed and drank the damp fast air, so none was left for words;
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I as one.   Think these semi refrain couplets work very well. Thinking this poem is after the style of Ghent to Aix or something similar...can't put my finger on it. (probably showing my ignorance here)  But nice use of line breaks.

Our stabbing beam lit eyes in earth and grass and bush and tree;   Least favorite line of the poem.   Don't get what the image is, beyond things flashing past perhaps but this is a stretch to arrive at.  think it could be delivered more clearly.  stabbing beam lit eyes - yes get that quite nice...but how are they then IN earth and grass and bush and tree?   On maybe or rather alighted on, but for me the whole line has too many ands and does not really say anything new to me to add to the images of the poem. 
each stare a star in moments lost to miles sucked up by time.   This line has a nice images but I could not make "each stare a star to moments lost maintain the same momentum as the rest of the poem when read out loud.  Did you intend for this effect?   Not saying I don't like it - in fact I think the timeless quality of the stars is well effected by this.
We neither gasped nor pointed “look!” as each bright light blinked out;
for this was not our time to dwell but time to journey on.   Overall like the progression this stanza gives to move the poem forward.

We smiled in darker canopies as heaven lost to leaf;   again with the construct of this line   in or at / under  (how are they in the darker canopies they could be under them i suppose, but to my read in suggested they are somehow now in space)   and    as or of.  As it stands I struggle with this line.  I'm sure you will explain to me why you think I am wrong - i look forward to it.
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I at peace.   Back to Mrs warm and fluffy - love this line.

Familiar lifts and swaying turns made strangely known our path.
No maps nor guides could steal this sense, our bodies felt the line.   these two lines read better out loud than they scan on the page.  I like this effect - just saying.
Reeling in advance of bends we hugged then flew the ironed way;   thinking a comma is needed after hugged.  (but then I like to use commas like confetti in your book and each comma used in this poem gives the reader pause to draw breath...so perhaps not make the reader suffer!)
as gravity reversed we rose, held by its weightless hand.   Great conclusion gathering line.  (I'm reading two lovers caught out by passion beyond the hour of curfew, but this line almost makes me think that perhaps they were stars in the night sky racing the moon home - slung shot on errant orbits by the hand of love), nicely done.

Before us fell the hill to hope and warmth from welcome walls;
just faster than the moon we rolled, you and I…then home.    

Tectak
2012
 
A bump but also a much needed edit. Thanks to all who helped it along.

I really like this one and even if i find i am miles off in what others have interpreted - I will still be happily stick to my read because it works for me!  
All the best AJ.

[tectak]

Hi tec,
out of practice with crit / poetry / pig banter et all, but I just wanted to comment on this because it has an enchanting quality that keep drawing me back.
I have been away a lot and not actually seen any previous work n this poem, so these are fresh eyes so to speak.

Enjoy the breathless sense of speed I get from the read and this in turn fits well with the title.  Although for me home run made me think of  a sport / ball game setting and then when applied to the subject of the poem smacks as arty  (which is to say I'm not over keen on it)

That night the moon dipped down her crown, and glowing, raced us home.   Lovely opening.   The whole poem in a line, so that what follows does what it says on the tin.  (I would prefer it if "That night" was the title followed by the rest as the sentence as the first line)

She sped on hedges, skimmed the black-browed, deep-ploughed fields;   feel that it is clear enough on full reading that the she is the moon, so okay with this... and adore the sonics in this line - beautifuly done.
vanquished by the wraiths unseen that rise from hollows hid by shade,  think I would prefer the unseen to be set before wraiths, construct wise it feels odd this way round to me. (and could then drop the).
to flash again through hedge and tree, on pallid, swirling sprites…  Like the bounce effect  by the repition of the word hedge. (gives both a sonic boost and an image boost to the story).
writhing like smoke, they fell behind then died in scarlet light.  nice solid nature image.   ? move the comma from after smokes to after  behind.  

We breathed and drank the damp fast air, so none was left for words;
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I as one.   Think these semi refrain couplets work very well. Thinking this poem is after the style of Ghent to Aix or something similar...can't put my finger on it. (probably showing my ignorance here)  But nice use of line breaks.

Our stabbing beam lit eyes in earth and grass and bush and tree;   Least favorite line of the poem.   Don't get what the image is, beyond things flashing past perhaps but this is a stretch to arrive at.  think it could be delivered more clearly.  stabbing beam lit eyes - yes get that quite nice...but how are they then IN earth and grass and bush and tree?   On maybe or rather alighted on, but for me the whole line has too many ands and does not really say anything new to me to add to the images of the poem. 
each stare a star in moments lost to miles sucked up by time.   This line has a nice images but I could not make "each stare a star to moments lost maintain the same momentum as the rest of the poem when read out loud.  Did you intend for this effect?   Not saying I don't like it - in fact I think the timeless quality of the stars is well effected by this.
We neither gasped nor pointed “look!” as each bright light blinked out;
for this was not our time to dwell but time to journey on.   Overall like the progression this stanza gives to move the poem forward.

We smiled in darker canopies as heaven lost to leaf;   again with the construct of this line   in or at / under  (how are they in the darker canopies they could be under them i suppose, but to my read in suggested they are somehow now in space)   and    as or of.  As it stands I struggle with this line.  I'm sure you will explain to me why you think I am wrong - i look forward to it.
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I at peace.   Back to Mrs warm and fluffy - love this line.

Familiar lifts and swaying turns made strangely known our path.
No maps nor guides could steal this sense, our bodies felt the line.   these two lines read better out loud than they scan on the page.  I like this effect - just saying.
Reeling in advance of bends we hugged then flew the ironed way;   thinking a comma is needed after hugged.  (but then I like to use commas like confetti in your book and each comma used in this poem gives the reader pause to draw breath...so perhaps not make the reader suffer!)
as gravity reversed we rose, held by its weightless hand.   Great conclusion gathering line.  (I'm reading two lovers caught out by passion beyond the hour of curfew, but this line almost makes me think that perhaps they were stars in the night sky racing the moon home - slung shot on errant orbits by the hand of love), nicely done.

Before us fell the hill to hope and warmth from welcome walls;
just faster than the moon we rolled, you and I…then home.    

Tectak
2012
 
A bump but also a much needed edit. Thanks to all who helped it along.

I really like this one and even if i find i am miles off in what others have interpreted - I will still be happily stick to my read because it works for me!  
All the best AJ.

Hi cider,
inspired by your crit I have made changes which I knew I would be called upon to make sooner rather than later...even though it is MUCH later already. The "Home Run" title has no connotations for this Englander. It is just a ride back home in the dark on a motor-bike....I don't do complicated. The headlights shine back from the eyes of stoats (earth), rabbits(grass),shrub(cats,and foxes) and roosting birds (trees). That is all. The gravity reference is one memory of going too fast over humpy hills...you are momentarily weightless but still hold on tight to the bar-grips as if gravity was in the bike itself; a great sensation not felt as often in a car ( though my science background reminds me that on a bump of any given radius all vehicles "take off" at the same speed, regardless of weight. I mention this because I thought it at the time.)
Glad you are back...gets lonesome round here at times...I may need to give reality a chance.
Best and thanks,
tectak

[cidermaid]

Ah should have got the motor bike thing being a derilict ex biker chick - that weightless moment is very familiar.   (and yes with this info going for  run on the bike and so a home run fits as well)  perhaps if you want this to be imparted to the reader you might need a more overly bike image in there somewhere to make the connection.  (roaring /throbbing / pulsing / vibrating/ botty clenching )
I can see what you are getting at about the headlights in the eyes thing, but that is not evident in the read.  think it needs something to clarify.
One thing perhaps I could offer from bygone biking days, is that the sense of smell on an evening / morning ride is one of the joys and most overpowering senses i recall.  perhaps if you managed to factor more of this aspect it would add another dimension
...I loved Autumn rides the best, but then as the winter drew in the least whiff of ice in the air  used to make me paranoid for ice on the road...but then watching sparks fly past your leg off the pegs has the effect of crystalising your imagination I suppose.  (def not so brave nowadays - would reach for the handbrake a lot sooner!)

[tectak]

Ah should have got the motor bike thing being a derilict ex biker chick - that weightless moment is very familiar.   (and yes with this info going for  run on the bike and so a home run fits as well)  perhaps if you want this to be imparted to the reader you might need a more overly bike image in there somewhere to make the connection.  (roaring /throbbing / pulsing / vibrating/ botty clenching )
I can see what you are getting at about the headlights in the eyes thing, but that is not evident in the read.  think it needs something to clarify.
One thing perhaps I could offer from bygone biking days, is that the sense of smell on an evening / morning ride is one of the joys and most overpowering senses i recall.  perhaps if you managed to factor more of this aspect it would add another dimension
...I loved Autumn rides the best, but then as the winter drew in the least whiff of ice in the air  used to make me paranoid for ice on the road...but then watching sparks fly past your leg off the pegs has the effect of crystalising your imagination I suppose.  (def not so brave nowadays - would reach for the handbrake a lot sooner!)

With you, cider.
I hoped the "breathing and drinking" of the fast moving air "so none was left for words", the "reeling" (wrong word but is leaning better? Yes. It is) in to corners, the bobbing beam, the anti-grav lift on hump-back hills, would be motorcycle certain. I am back with Persig on the journey to Bozeman ( the psychological state if not the place)....I remember a great line in which he noticed the air was cooler as he drove alongside water...the engine sounded "packed". I just loved that. Pure zen. Your scent thing is truly germane...another stanza, maybe?
Best,
tectak

[RiverNotch]

That night the moon dipped down her crown, and glowing, raced us home.

She sped on hedges, skimmed the black-browed, deep-ploughed fields;
vanquished by the unseen wraiths that rise from hollows hid by shade,
to flash again through hedge and tree, on pallid, swirling sprites… These two lines, describing what I think is essentially the moon appearing and disappearing out of and in to the wild's shadows, show an image that I think would be better told in one, instead, with something else buffering this stanza. 
writhing like smoke, they fell behind then died in scarlet light.

We breathed and drank the damp fast air, so none was left for words;
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I as one. I feel a more impersonal identification of your identities here would make the two of you, dear speaker, seem more as one -- no "you and I", just an "us": 'the two of us as one?'

Our bobbing beam lit eyes in earth and grass and bush and tree; Better a comma.
each stare a star in moments lost to miles sucked up by time.
We neither gasped nor pointed “look!” as each bright light blinked out; Again, better a comma.
for this was not our time to dwell but time to journey on.

We smiled 'neath darker canopies as heaven lost to leaf; Somehow, I am bothered by this line. Maybe it is the image of two races instead of one, or the tainted grace of the shortened word, or the image of the odd smile suddenly appearing, or the evening heaven not really being any darker than the shadows, being themselves one grand shadow of its own, but rather the stars of the evening, or the faint glow coming from them, but I don't really know.
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I at peace. 'The one of us at peace'?

Familiar lifts and swaying turns made strangely known our path.
No maps nor guides could steal this sense, our bodies felt the line.
Leaning in advance of bends, we hugged then flew the ironed way; The break with the rhythm here feels easily solved: "Leaned in advance of bends, we hugged then flew the ironed way;"
as gravity reversed we rose, held by its weightless hand. This line's rather awkward for me.

Before us fell the hill to hope and warmth from welcome walls;
just faster than the moon we rolled, you and I…then home. Following the suggested omission of "you and I", this ending feels awkward -- not following that, still does. I suppose the idea of the oneness being broken into its two natural bodies by the arrival of/at home is fair enough, but the ellipsis being a hurdle to the reader's grand journey (and my, what a grand journey this poem is!) feels like, er, The Scouring of the Shire, only without the lesson learned, or the tension earlier set-up exploding, or the thematic element fulfilled -- just a general hurdle to the straight myth. Speaking of 'just', I also think that the just here is unneeded, though the clause it precedes is a good return.

Tectak
2012

[tectak]

That night the moon dipped down her crown, and glowing, raced us home.

She sped on hedges, skimmed the black-browed, deep-ploughed fields;
vanquished by the unseen wraiths that rise from hollows hid by shade,
to flash again through hedge and tree, on pallid, swirling sprites… These two lines, describing what I think is essentially the moon appearing and disappearing out of and in to the wild's shadows, show an image that I think would be better told in one, instead, with something else buffering this stanza. 
writhing like smoke, they fell behind then died in scarlet light.

We breathed and drank the damp fast air, so none was left for words;
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I as one. I feel a more impersonal identification of your identities here would make the two of you, dear speaker, seem more as one -- no "you and I", just an "us": 'the two of us as one?'

Our bobbing beam lit eyes in earth and grass and bush and tree; Better a comma.
each stare a star in moments lost to miles sucked up by time.
We neither gasped nor pointed “look!” as each bright light blinked out; Again, better a comma.
for this was not our time to dwell but time to journey on.

We smiled 'neath darker canopies as heaven lost to leaf; Somehow, I am bothered by this line. Maybe it is the image of two races instead of one, or the tainted grace of the shortened word, or the image of the odd smile suddenly appearing, or the evening heaven not really being any darker than the shadows, being themselves one grand shadow of its own, but rather the stars of the evening, or the faint glow coming from them, but I don't really know.
just faster than the moon we rolled, with you and I at peace. 'The one of us at peace'?

Familiar lifts and swaying turns made strangely known our path.
No maps nor guides could steal this sense, our bodies felt the line.
Leaning in advance of bends, we hugged then flew the ironed way; The break with the rhythm here feels easily solved: "Leaned in advance of bends, we hugged then flew the ironed way;"
as gravity reversed we rose, held by its weightless hand. This line's rather awkward for me.

Before us fell the hill to hope and warmth from welcome walls;
just faster than the moon we rolled, you and I…then home. Following the suggested omission of "you and I", this ending feels awkward -- not following that, still does. I suppose the idea of the oneness being broken into its two natural bodies by the arrival of/at home is fair enough, but the ellipsis being a hurdle to the reader's grand journey (and my, what a grand journey this poem is!) feels like, er, The Scouring of the Shire, only without the lesson learned, or the tension earlier set-up exploding, or the thematic element fulfilled -- just a general hurdle to the straight myth. Speaking of 'just', I also think that the just here is unneeded, though the clause it precedes is a good return.

Tectak
2012

Thanks for this, river. I completely roll over on the comma/semicolon issue. I use semicolons as pause inducers and read my stuff out loud...er...with feeling You are still correct. The "you and I" is probably a Brit thing whilst "the two of us" is more US. Nothing wrong with either camp but I am a Brit.
Edit with your grammar gripes attended to.
Best,
tectak