Midnight drive

[Sharramon]

Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt,
The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.

The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."**

I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.

*Ozymandias by Shelly
**Myth of Prometheus

[John]

Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt, Tyres and car are synonymous in this context, as are rolling and gently. You only need one of each and tighten the first two lines down to eight words.
The car gently parts the darkness
And I, insulated, stare blankly out Grammar sounds clumsy, and stare blankly out sounds like a split infinitive. Try stare out blankly.
Of tinted windows to the stark night.

The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars. Good imagery.
'Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed I can't understand why you've opted for archaic language (is this line from Shelley's Ozymandias?) It's incongruous and passé mixed in a modern form.
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames.'

I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly Do away with adverbs as much as possible. If you think you need them, then find a stronger verb. How do you mutter vacantly? That's a new one. Incoherently may be a better choice. Clutters for English English implies disorder e.g. a kid's cluttered room. Perhaps find a stronger verb which isn't so ambiguous.
Away on its trek upon some track of tar Some track is now indefinite, and contrasts with the first line which implied an ordered journey.
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty Why is the land marred? And why choose a lofty vagrant? Who is this? Once you use the word perhaps, then the lofty vagrant can represent anything under the sun. It's meaningless.
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.

I can't decide whether this is free verse with limited rhyme, or blank verse with insufficient rhyme. Once you employed some rhyme in the last verse, it was disappointing that you hadn't used it throughout. Neither one nor the other. These are the mixed signals for your form and structure, and why I've only addressed some of your grammar.

Hope it's of some use in that respect.

Cheers

[Sharramon]

Hey, it's the first person I wrote something for! Hey, what's up.

I've read through your response and I've thought over it a little.

First! I'm not sure you're doing this but when reading a poem don't take a break at the line breaks. I think you're supposed to only take a break when there's a comma or period to stop you. I think I'm quoting my professor on that. I feel that might be what's causing you some problems but I'm not sure.

The first two lines I could agree with but I'm not sure if I'm going to change. I've always had a weakness for taking a while to set the scene. The tires roll 'down' and the car parts the night. It's soft and weak and it sets the scene.
Blankly out was done on purpose knowing that it might sound a bit odd. I wanted specifically for the word 'blankly' to hit before 'out'. Since I want that word to be the first that the reader encounters to set up the concept of blankness for them to throw out of the car window view. I also wanted that line and the next to be a little choppy. So I used single syllable words to finish the lines.

Thank you for the imagery! Also, yes! It is almost a direct steal of 'look upon these works, ye Mighty, and despair!' from Ozymandias. The next line is a reference to the myth of Prometheus who stole fire for us humans. They are both references to older things so I used language that was a little archaic. The two lines are in quotations to answer your question of 'what do you mutter?' They both show overt human pride. Ozymandias is a poem about failed human pride, and the artificial city lights in the distance proclaims that we don't need the flame from the stars that started us off the path of invention that Prometheus gave us. I do agree it might be a little overdone but I'm stealing lines form another poem so I don't know how to make it sound more modern while maintaining its meaning D:

The first line of the last verse was intentionally weak and odd. Since I don't agree with the sentiment that was said in the second verse. The word clutter was chosen to be vague, weak, messy, to rhyme with mutter (to tie the two together), and also for its similarity to the word clatter (since the empty can rattles the most hoho).

The poems here is a denunciation of human pride. So ultimately anything human isn't all that good. The track of tar mars the land. Again, the word 'some' was chosen on purpose to make the tar vague and also unimportant. So the vagrant who trod alone before the track and the lights who could look up at the stars is the ideal. That's why in the beginning the tires roll 'down' but the 'lofty' vagrant gazes 'up'. The word 'some' for the vagrant isn't because he's unimportant but because there's so much distance between us and this vagrant. He's a relic of the past and we can't know him anymore. The perhaps was used in a the form 'perhaps he stood here'. So it would read 'perhaps some lofty vagrant once trod'.

The rhyme was also done on purpose! Thank you for noticing. I wanted there to be steadily more rhymes as the poem wore on so that the poem would feel more structured and well... nice (the second verse has a very, very loose rhyme-ish thing going on with away and dismayed.... haha...).

But your confusion as to the theme probably shows that I haven't done a brilliant job at conveying the message. I probably made it way too convoluted. I should try to simplify and make it more accessible and easy to get. Any way you think I could do that?

[fluorescent.43]

Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt, a rather boring opener.
The car gently parts the darkness, your verbs are messed up here, resulting in a comma splice. either end this on a period or change up the sentence structure.
And I, insulated, stare blankly out insulated from what? the night? if so, what's in the night?
Of tinted windows to the stark night. this stanza sounds nice but is devoid of content. basically, the character is sitting in car. the car has windows. it's nighttime. say something.

The sky is empty, but some distance away 'some distance' is vague.
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars. you say the sky is empty-- then how come there are stars to be swallowed? i like the imagery but it could do with some clarification.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed* the grammar in these quotations is messed up. assuming these are two separate quotations from two separate works of literature, what happened to the quotation marks? punctuation?
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."** why, why, why do you have asterisks? poetry is not meant to be explained. the quotations detract from the poem in their current form, because there is only the quotation and nothing at all to elaborate (also, two quotations in a row is really jarring). and i don't see what they have to do with the poem-- i want to read what you have to say, not some old book.

I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly a car does not clutter. it could flutter, twitch, or something. but it definitely does not clutter. also, what are you muttering about? so far you've said a lot and i'm no more enlightened.
Away on its trek upon some track of tar in my opinion, this is a failed attempt to poetically describe a road. don't just describe the road-- describe what it means. introduce an interesting concept and bind it to this car.
That mars a land where [a] perhaps some lofty wordy, wordy. pare it down.
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars. i'm left feeling a bit empty. i don't know what you're trying to say. also, vagrant already implies alone.

*Ozymandias by Shelly
**Myth of Prometheus

reading this, i get more of a single cluttered, vague image than a sequence of clear, original images. as i read this, i got cars and stars and night and not much else. i feel you are grasping at something good when you mention the swallowing of stars and the marring of land and the vagrant, but it isn't fleshed out in enough detail. i'd like to know who this vagrant is.

in addition, this poem could benefit greatly from a cleaning up of the wordiness that is currently present. choose every word with care-- don't just use it because it sounds original or beautiful. i don't sense a purpose in this poem-- i think it has a lot of potential; it's just buried beneath the words you use to express that. think about what you really wanted to say, then say that succinctly and poetically. but that's just my opinion, and i'm probably not the best person on this subject.

hopefully i've provided some food for thought (take my critique with a heavy dash of salt). good luck if you intend to edit.

43.

[MattVoscinar]

Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt,
The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.

1) It took me a few reads to become comfortable with the first line, and it has a lot to do with the present participial phrase. Although you could argue, grammatically, that you’ve used it as an introductory phrase, the continuation of pres. participle into present tense always creates issues. While it is not technically a comma splice, it reads like one.

2) I’m not sure why you felt the need to insert “insulated” into the third line. This creates further chop in the reading. I agree with florescent that we’d need further explanation of what you’re insulated from, exactly, for this to work. Even if there is some justification, I cannot think of a single reason why you must say so.

3) I agree that setting the scene can be important, but there needs to be substantial imagery in order to claim it is necessary. This stanza leaves more questions than answers, which is never a good sign. Why is the speaker in the car? Why at night? Why is this particular scene important?


The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."**

1) I agree with florescent that “some distance away” is far too vague.

2) More questions: What city? How can the sky be both empty, starlit, and conquered by city lights? If you mean there are no clouds, find a better way to state it. Why are the quotes there and why is the speaker saying them out-loud? If he/she is not, remove the first sentence of the next stanza.

I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.

1) “The car clutters softly” is a beautiful line.

2) The alliteration you’ve used in the second line is too harsh. Also, the vagueness hurts you yet again. “Some track of tar” gives me nothing.


The ending is nice, giving the contrast of someone in the car, who strangely quotes old poetry, and a vagrant of the past. It’s a clean and warm image, but getting there was a bit of a hassle.

The varying rhyme structure that you confused me. The first contains no rhymes, the second consists of ABAA, and the third is ABAB. You already have an issue with fluidity in the work, and this just exacerbated it.

Overall, you have something here, but it needs fleshing out. The scenery sounds pretty, but I can’t get a clear picture. This poem needs specificity in a bad way.

As a note - I reviewed this poem without reading your explanation of it on purpose. I wanted to go into the piece knowing nothing and ask you/comment on the topic as a first time reader.

[Sharramon]

Both of you are saying that everything is too vague. That's the biggest pointer I'm getting from this. One problem is that I actually wrote this poem with the idea of purposely making it vague in mind. But maybe it didn't really suit the subject matter very well and ended up hurting the poem. I will probably redo the whole thing in a major way sometime later! I'm just writing here to thank you guys for the critique.
What's funny is the quips about the 'insulated' since I did make and effort to draw attention to it. Everyone seems to realize that their attention is being drawn but they don't really get it or like it. I just liked the idea of being insulated since that's kind of how we all are. So the car is alone in the night with darkness everywhere but the city, and the person is even more alone inside the car. But as it's gotten such confusion I'll probably have to do something about it. Which is kind of sad as 'insulated' and 'alone' are the two words that were shoved in there by surrounded with commas to show a kind of kinship with the speaker and the vagrant.

@fluorescent: Most of what you have trouble with is vagueness and word choice... it seems. I'll take note and see what I can do. I actually really enjoy it when some poems do little throwbacks to other poems. Larkin's 'Sad Steps' has the title being a reference to a poem. Ginsberg's 'A Supermarket in California' has a ton of very offhand references to Whitman with either little plays on Whitman's lines or actual structure of the poem. So in this case I think that the burden of knowledge is on the reader, but maybe I should try to incorporate it a little more smoothly in the poem so that it still makes sense without really having to know the source material.

@MattVoscinar: Is the first line all that bad? I know that grammatically it might not be the most clean thing to write but I can read it just fine. The flow of the line goes smoothly over my tongue when I say it out loud. I'm also fond of the 'car clutters softly' ^^ So when people were having trouble with it I was extremely sad. The harsh alliteration I have to agree with. Looking back at it, I did overdo it. I always like leaving more questions than answers ): but this is probably one of those occasions when it was done poorly and to no real effect. I didn't even realize that the second HAD ABAA I thought that it was ABAC. But I suppose the strong a sound in flames might still have that effect. It seems I will have to work with the fluidity. Thank you for saying that the end was nice.

Thank you for the replies! I will try and edit when I can steal some time.

[Leanne]

Hello Sharramon, welcome to Serious Workshopping.  

The art of allusion or even pastiche requires a light touch, rather like a quiet hyperlink to another literary work that you may or may not click upon -- it links to knowledge that is not required to understand the main body of the piece, but does enhance it if one is familiar with the reference.  Your references, however, are a little more like those flashing pop-ups that insist you pay attention to them and are actually more likely to make one look elsewhere.  It is admirable that you have read, enjoyed and attempted to share great literature -- but most people here would have understood your references without footnotes, because we have also read them, and if we haven't, it shouldn't actually matter in a good poem.  One can read The Wasteland and love it without having read the seventy-six million other works that Eliot pays homage to within it.  The other point I feel I must make about your Ozymandias reference is that by misquoting within quotation marks, you run the risk of irritating those who are familiar with one of the most famous lines in literature.  Similarly, mashing it together with the Prometheus line is confused and could easily seem as if both allusions are there merely to draw attention to how well-read the writer is, rather than enhance the poem.
 
You say "the sky is empty", and yet you go on to say that there are city lights within it.  Most people would consider "empty sky" to mean that it is unrelentingly dark -- if there is even a single drop of water in a glass, it is not empty.  

Why does the car clutter?  Is it a rust-bucket?  Has the fender fallen off and is dragging along the road?  Otherwise, I'm afraid cars simply don't clutter and it's clearly there just for the sonic link with "mutter", which is also a strange choice.  You could just as easily use mumble/ rumble.  Trek, too, is not quite right as it does imply a journey by foot, or one of some difficulty.  And "some track"?  Wouldn't the track be known, since one is driving upon it?  

I think your last two lines are where the poem is truly at.  You could cut the second stanza without damaging the piece at all, and work with the idea of isolation amid civilisation, or the self-centred city dweller's (blissful) ignorance of surroundings -- but your purpose must be made clear, and it must be yours alone.

[billy]

could probably do better with a consistent meter, you say in a reply, you want it to be vague . personally i don't like poetry unless it holds something substantial i can grab on to. as for line ends. they're called line ends because it's where a line, or a portion thereof usually ends with some kind of pause. most professors would agree. a short pause with a comma, longer with with a period and a host of other pauses depending on the the next line and or punctuation. how do we deal with un-punctuated poetry not all poems have it. i get a sense of being away form the city and in awe of the universe but it feels too weak to make me read it twice [though i had to in order to give feedback] the first line doesn't grab me and say. you will be rocked by the awesomeness of the poem and universe. while you rightly gave attributes,; they more or less were the complete poem. think about this; [i could be wrong of course] these two memorable lines, the only memorable lines of the poem belonged to someone else.

Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt,, no need for [tyres] as we can presume the car has them
The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.

The sky is empty, but some distance away so it's not really empty, just empty-ish
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars. this isn't a bad image but the mixed quotes screw it up.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."** why two quote in one set of marks

I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly clutter and softly are at odds with each other and gently from the 2nd line
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty for me this feels disjointed and unconnected to the lines above would it and the line below have worked better after vacantly?
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.

*Ozymandias by Shelly
**Myth of Prometheus

[tectak]

Hi Shar,
I have read the critiques...I have read your responses. I have always had difficulty with the aspirational claim of wishing to be vague, or  deliberately mis-spelling or  to punctuating inventively etc, etc.
It just doesn't carry any weight.
Better to look at your piece, then, with a sympathetic eye as you have written what you wanted to write but not what the crits want you to write. If that seems vague then I meant it that way.....harrrrummmph
So, as this is in Serious, a line by line follows.  

Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt, This kind of open-ended approach to syntax leaves the reader no where. It is early in the poem but you have not shown any attempt to explain consequentiality...so I read this as a none sentence, almost an aide-memoire, a note, a lead in to a more textured cameo. It says something, a car I'm guessing, has tires which roll round and round on the road....so?  
The car gently parts the darkness, Hey...it WAS a car. How about that? Why not say car? You see, it makes something out of nothing, so your words are wasted trying desperately to NOT say car....then you find there is a difficulty with this approach because it COULD be a LIGHT aircraft. Then you have to come clean. All this for what? Don't worry....EVERYONE did it early on; me too, still do...it is called being faux-poetic.
And I, insulated, stare blankly out In spite of what your professor of english says, my professor of english, Prof. A.L.L. Hearsay, is bigger than your professor of english and my professor says that whilst enjambment is not a substitute for punctuation, which includes pauses, it is an unwise man who writes a piece of prose and enjambs for no reason other than the line was visually too long. If you have no meter, no rhyme and no syllable counting you can enjamb wherever you like...but to enjamb preciptously makes the reader fall off a cliff. So think about it when you
do it.
Of tinted windows to the stark night. You could make much more of this concept. The idea of "insulated" is a good one as long as you mean in the sense of being protected from heat or cold or sound...but I don't think you do. I think that you mean isolated. Now, here we go. Please, even though you may hear from others that capitalising every line is a good idea, it isn't. It is a default condition which causes the reader to stumble about, at first trying to get the syntax in to order but then out of blind rage. No one, no one, has ever given me a good reason WHY it is a good idea. I have had lots of bad reasons. Finally, in this stanza, you say "gently parts the darkness" which is excellent as a visual indication of a car, headlights scouring the darkness ahead...but "gently"? I do not relate to gently. What kind of suspension has this car got?...I fear we shall soon regret the "gently" word

The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."** Gratuitously nonsensical interjection of an irrelevent piece of trivia. As for an empty sky full of stars...I leave that to you and others. I remember once writing " ...and in the void, from ages past, all manner of stars and things that last...lit up the empty sky with light and made my day...though it was night". I nearly gave up then. Don't.

I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly Go on then. I challenge you to mutter vacantly, and expect that you would be up to the task, and so I feel that there IS a meaning in this, without a stretch. Nonetheless, I cannot believe you were not just priming my tolerance (see, I can do it, too) for the "cluttering car"...unless, oh joy, you have delivered yourself in to my hands...surely, not  tachyphemia or tachyphrasia That explains everything.
Away on its trek upon some track of tar For Pete's sake, what is this bitumastic obsession? It is reading like an Aesop's Fable...I fully expect some lofty vagrant to come across a sticky black baby in the middle of the linearly compressed surface of  phenol, polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons and heterocyclic compounds. It is a road...a road.
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars. Though so...but who he?

*Ozymandias by Shelly
**Myth of Prometheus

My outbursts are not without reason. There is something simple in this piece which you could condense down in to a clear, encapsulated, original distilled thought. You have made a cocktail out of a fine malt whisky...and that is unforgivable. Lucky it is only a metaphor. Pare this down in to the quintessential(s), I see more than one. You might get two poems out of this.
Best,
tectak

[isabelhershko]

Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt,
The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.

The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."**

I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.

*Ozymandias by Shelly
**Myth of Prometheus

I think the imagery here is strong. You've taken an experience poetic in nature and expressed it in a way that didn't feel dated or overused. I do think that while there is definitely great language here, I would love more specificity. Maybe just by giving specific locations "Away on its trek upon some track of tar"...throwing in a destination there might add something concrete to the poem. I think there are definitely areas that could be tightened and some sentences that are made to be a bit more economic. I love L2 but I think even saying "the car parts the darkness" make it feel more compact while still using intriguing language. I think L6 feels a little cliche. Something about city lights feels out of place here where you've done such a great job avoiding that sensation. I love the use of alliteration L10. Overall, very nice job!

[musesbydaylight]

Ok now let me see:


Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt,
The car gently parts the darkness, 
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.

The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."**

I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.

*Ozymandias by Shelly
**Myth of Prometheus
[/quote]



I think it would be better to start the poem from L2 as L1 does not seem to add to the poem in any way and seems a rather weak opener.

1. "The car gently parts the darkness, 
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night."

2. "The sky is empty, but some distance away

City lights flicker as they swallow up stars."

3. "I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly

Away on its trek upon some track of tar"


I think all these are instances of rather weak use of imagery or sonic effects.

Lets start with 1. where the car gently parts the darkness. I assume you are speaking of car headlights. And Im afraid "parting the darkness" is simply not a very fresh way to describe this. Its obscure and at the same time tired.

2. "The sky is empty" and then you go on to say "but some distance away/ city lights..." I think you can do a better segueway than "but" between the image of an empty night sky and the flickering city lights. Also, you say that the night sky is empty. Then what stars are there for the city lights to swallow?

3. What does it mean for a car to clutter softly? Clutter means to make untidy. It just doesn't make sense when used along with the word softly.

 Now the quotations. Now it feels like the poem is something against modern civilization with the quote from Ozymandias and the quote about fire from Prometheus. However I feel that you could try and get to the core of what you are trying to say and why these two quotes speak to you instead of justing inserting them in there.

Finally, the last stanza just doesn't hold up for me. I take nothing away from it except for some sort of vague bland melancholy for...something. 

I feel there is definitely a good poem in here somewhere though. You definitely are on to something. But this draft of the poem is unfocused and as such the impact on the reader is diluted.

Best of luck writing!!