Squint

[Cousin Kil]

SQUINT
Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
I relate
And your eyes, they squint for sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and I, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling
-----------------
Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

[kakashi1090]

SQUINT

Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
it relates
And your eyes, they squint with sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling

-----------------

Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

I like this but I want to like it a lot more. The big thing I feel I missed out on when I read this was your tone. I think near the end you give a very good sense of sympathy and maybe even belonging? But it comes out of nowhere and sort of leaves the beginning of the poem rather dry. Maybe sprinkling a couple subtle hints that "You" and "I" are related would help out. I think the physical image for what you are going for is spot on. So just expanding on that to guide the reader beyond the physical would be pretty BA. Or even making another stanza that dives deeper into it.


Upon rereading I started to pick up on the tone a bit more being a very "YEah, I know bud" so I to make my opinion more specific, using words and phrases that represent that "I've been there" feeling would do this well I feel. A very beautiful picture this one draws though I very much enjoy it.

[Mark D. Windmill]

SQUINT
Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
it relates
And your eyes, they squint for sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling
-----------------
Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

Sounds more like a rap or music lyrics than a poem to me. I have the image of a sleezy character smoking a cigar on a street corner posing . Grats on putting the word droop and droopin in your poem that is no small feat haha. I like the feeling of the last two lines but I would put it this way: We do not know each other yet we know the feeling or something that would be inclusive and working to express the feeling that this type of encounter brings. Cheers

[Cousin Kil]

SQUINT

Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
it relates
And your eyes, they squint with sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling

-----------------

Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

I like this but I want to like it a lot more. The big thing I feel I missed out on when I read this was your tone. I think near the end you give a very good sense of sympathy and maybe even belonging? But it comes out of nowhere and sort of leaves the beginning of the poem rather dry. Maybe sprinkling a couple subtle hints that "You" and "I" are related would help out. I think the physical image for what you are going for is spot on. So just expanding on that to guide the reader beyond the physical would be pretty BA. Or even making another stanza that dives deeper into it.  


Upon rereading I started to pick up on the tone a bit more being a very "YEah, I know bud" so I to make my opinion more specific, using words and phrases that represent that "I've been there" feeling would do this well I feel. A very beautiful picture this one draws though I very much enjoy it.

Hi Kakashi,
thanks for all complements (love to find my imagery has a positive effect) and your critique is very helpful
In the line "it relates", I really liked the brevity of it. It wrote and sounded to me like something one who "smolders casually" would say
To keep up the tone, do you think altering it to "we relate" would suffice to express that "I've been there" feeling"?... I think I like the sound of that, curious as to what you think about it...

[kakashi1090]

SQUINT

Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
it relates
And your eyes, they squint with sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling

-----------------

Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

I like this but I want to like it a lot more. The big thing I feel I missed out on when I read this was your tone. I think near the end you give a very good sense of sympathy and maybe even belonging? But it comes out of nowhere and sort of leaves the beginning of the poem rather dry. Maybe sprinkling a couple subtle hints that "You" and "I" are related would help out. I think the physical image for what you are going for is spot on. So just expanding on that to guide the reader beyond the physical would be pretty BA. Or even making another stanza that dives deeper into it.  


Upon rereading I started to pick up on the tone a bit more being a very "YEah, I know bud" so I to make my opinion more specific, using words and phrases that represent that "I've been there" feeling would do this well I feel. A very beautiful picture this one draws though I very much enjoy it.

Hi Kakashi,
thanks for all complements (love to find my imagery has a positive effect) and your critique is very helpful
In the line "it relates", I really liked the brevity of it. It wrote and sounded to me like something one who "smolders casually" would say
To keep up the tone, do you think altering it to "we relate" would suffice to express that "I've been there" feeling"?... I think I like the sound of that, curious as to what you think about it...

I do, and I agree the concise line does well where it is. Maybe even "I relate" to give the character just a slight hint of vulnerability?

[Cousin Kil]

I like this but I want to like it a lot more. The big thing I feel I missed out on when I read this was your tone. I think near the end you give a very good sense of sympathy and maybe even belonging? But it comes out of nowhere and sort of leaves the beginning of the poem rather dry. Maybe sprinkling a couple subtle hints that "You" and "I" are related would help out. I think the physical image for what you are going for is spot on. So just expanding on that to guide the reader beyond the physical would be pretty BA. Or even making another stanza that dives deeper into it.  


Upon rereading I started to pick up on the tone a bit more being a very "YEah, I know bud" so I to make my opinion more specific, using words and phrases that represent that "I've been there" feeling would do this well I feel. A very beautiful picture this one draws though I very much enjoy it.

Hi Kakashi,
thanks for all complements (love to find my imagery has a positive effect) and your critique is very helpful
In the line "it relates", I really liked the brevity of it. It wrote and sounded to me like something one who "smolders casually" would say
To keep up the tone, do you think altering it to "we relate" would suffice to express that "I've been there" feeling"?... I think I like the sound of that, curious as to what you think about it...

I do, and I agree the concise line does well where it is. Maybe even "I relate" to give the character just a slight hint of vulnerability?

Ooooo, I dig that even more
Made the change, many thanks Kakashi

[kakashi1090]

Hi Kakashi,
thanks for all complements (love to find my imagery has a positive effect) and your critique is very helpful
In the line "it relates", I really liked the brevity of it. It wrote and sounded to me like something one who "smolders casually" would say
To keep up the tone, do you think altering it to "we relate" would suffice to express that "I've been there" feeling"?... I think I like the sound of that, curious as to what you think about it...

I do, and I agree the concise line does well where it is. Maybe even "I relate" to give the character just a slight hint of vulnerability?

Ooooo, I dig that even more
Made the change, many thanks Kakashi

My pleasure! Thank you for letting me in on the revisions. That's where I believe the true art comes out of a piece. Let me know if I can help any more! I am following this one through it's revisions for sure.

[Cousin Kil]

SQUINT
Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
it relates
And your eyes, they squint for sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling
-----------------
Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

Sounds more like a rap or music lyrics than a poem to me. I have the image of a sleezy character smoking a cigar on a street corner posing . Grats on putting the word droop and droopin in your poem that is no small feat haha. I like the feeling of the last two lines but I would put it this way: We do not know each other yet we know the feeling or something that would be inclusive and working to express the feeling that this type of encounter brings. Cheers

Hey Mark, appreciate the feedback. No surprise about the rap/music lyric interpretation, I'm a guitarist/sing/songwriter so lyricism pretty much permeates all my thinking and writing... little confused on what you meant about the last two lines though.
The encounter is between two men who have likewise experience with women, and the narrator is suggesting to the other that you may not know her, whether it be a pretty woman walking by or whoever, but you don't need to, you know what she'll bring to you.
Not sure how the line rework would fit/what you meant.
Also thanks for noticing "droop".

All the best, CK

[tectak]

SQUINT
Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
i relate
And your eyes, they squint for sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling
-----------------
Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

I'll tell you what I think about this...I think it is excellent. Apart from the droop drooping the laconic, laid back style permits for all the idiosyncrasies of punctuation, line breaks and capitalisation which I normally rant about...why? Because the poem IS the style and vice-versa. This "easy rider" pace works. Very well done. It reminds me of the Pearl Fishermen.
PS. I would not object to capitalising "i" just to prove that you can.
Best,
tectak

[Cousin Kil]

SQUINT
Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
i relate
And your eyes, they squint for sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling
-----------------
Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

I'll tell you what I think about this...I think it is excellent. Apart from the droop drooping the laconic, laid back style permits for all the idiosyncrasies of punctuation, line breaks and capitalisation which I normally rant about...why? Because the poem IS the style and vice-versa. This "easy rider" pace works. Very well done. It reminds me of the Pearl Fishermen.
PS. I would not object to capitalising "i" just to prove that you can.
Best,
tectak

Wow tectak, that means A LOT, especially coming from a mod who's got a lot more experience under their belt than I have, I really appreciate all the complements! Also it's interesting you said Easy Rider haha- the first real poem I wrote was inspired by Easy Rider (I was planning on posting it sometime down the line). Found it funny you said that haha. I'll consider changing the i's but to me they feel more personal as small and uncapitalized... I'll have to think on it
Again, thanks for the huge complements!
Cousin Kil

[tectak]

SQUINT
Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
i relate
And your eyes, they squint for sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling
-----------------
Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

Good egg, but I gave you compliments not complements unless you want crisps with your pint of lager. The small "i" will always be an affectation because it is pointlessly rebellious. The whole justification for my eulogistical comments is that you captured a vernacular and an image that works so well it does not need the pointless foibles of the writer unless, when reading it, you intend saying in a squeaky [i]sotto voce[i] ....i. And that is the point. When you read ANY piece outloud you fail to transmit any spelling mistakes or strange nuances like capitalising every line because you KNOW how to read your work...unfortunately, or fortunately, you submit your work for critique of the WRITTEN word and that is what I must do.
Best and well done,
tectak
I'll tell you what I think about this...I think it is excellent. Apart from the droop drooping the laconic, laid back style permits for all the idiosyncrasies of punctuation, line breaks and capitalisation which I normally rant about...why? Because the poem IS the style and vice-versa. This "easy rider" pace works. Very well done. It reminds me of the Pearl Fishermen.
PS. I would not object to capitalising "i" just to prove that you can.
Best,
tectak

Wow tectak, that means A LOT, especially coming from a mod who's got a lot more experience under their belt than I have, I really appreciate all the complements! Also it's interesting you said Easy Rider haha- the first real poem I wrote was inspired by Easy Rider (I was planning on posting it sometime down the line). Found it funny you said that haha. I'll consider changing the i's but to me they feel more personal as small and uncapitalized... I'll have to think on it
Again, thanks for the huge complements!
Cousin Kil

[Cousin Kil]

Good egg, but I gave you compliments not complements unless you want crisps with your pint of lager. The small "i" will always be an affectation because it is pointlessly rebellious. The whole justification for my eulogistical comments is that you captured a vernacular and an image that works so well it does not need the pointless foibles of the writer unless, when reading it, you intend saying in a squeaky [i]sotto voce[i] ....i. And that is the point. When you read ANY piece outloud you fail to transmit any spelling mistakes or strange nuances like capitalising every line because you KNOW how to read your work...unfortunately, or fortunately, you submit your work for critique of the WRITTEN word and that is what I must do.
Best and well done,
tectak
I'll tell you what I think about this...I think it is excellent. Apart from the droop drooping the laconic, laid back style permits for all the idiosyncrasies of punctuation, line breaks and capitalisation which I normally rant about...why? Because the poem IS the style and vice-versa. This "easy rider" pace works. Very well done. It reminds me of the Pearl Fishermen.
PS. I would not object to capitalising "i" just to prove that you can.
Best,
tectak

Wow tectak, that means A LOT, especially coming from a mod who's got a lot more experience under their belt than I have, I really appreciate all the complements! Also it's interesting you said Easy Rider haha- the first real poem I wrote was inspired by Easy Rider (I was planning on posting it sometime down the line). Found it funny you said that haha. I'll consider changing the i's but to me they feel more personal as small and uncapitalized... I'll have to think on it
Again, thanks for the huge complements!
Cousin Kil

Explained in depth, what you meant about the "I" now makes total sense to me
Made the appropriate changes
Again thanks for everything, I'm here to learn and the giving and receiving of critique has helped a lot in just a matter of days
Many thanks,
CK

[tectak]

Wow tectak, that means A LOT, especially coming from a mod who's got a lot more experience under their belt than I have, I really appreciate all the complements! Also it's interesting you said Easy Rider haha- the first real poem I wrote was inspired by Easy Rider (I was planning on posting it sometime down the line). Found it funny you said that haha. I'll consider changing the i's but to me they feel more personal as small and uncapitalized... I'll have to think on it
Again, thanks for the huge complements!
Cousin Kil

Explained in depth, what you meant about the "I" now makes total sense to me
Made the appropriate changes
Again thanks for everything, I'm here to learn and the giving and receiving of critique has helped a lot in just a matter of days
Many thanks,
CK

Good egg squared,
tectak