Contrary and Captivating

[kakashi1090]

Second Revision:
I'm twisted and churning
to expose you my features.
My body of glass
and howling creatures.
A slave to your winds,
your whims are my way.
Although I'm uncertain,
my direction won't change.

You've seen my destruction,
yet you seem unfazed.
Your white diamond smile
soothes my torturous self-blame.
"Created for cleansing",
you claim it's my place.
Your sapphire iris
has pierced through my grey.

I'm thankful, oh Goddess
Who rules o'er this plain
You've seen I shine brightly
in spite of the rain.
Your words are a doldrum
to winds both anxious and confused.
Now make them blow West
and guide me to you.


First Revision:
I am a tornado
reaching to Aether.
Hands made of glass
and howling creatures.
A slave to your winds
Your whims are my way
Although I'm uncertain
My direction won't change

I am surely a danger,
But you seem unfazed.
With canines of diamonds
You spare me your grace.
My lust is for loving
Your reaching my way
Your sapphire iris
Has pierced through my grey

Tell me, oh Goddess
As you rule o'er this plain
Why me you beckon
A product of rain
Your motions permitting
Assuming they're true
Make these winds blow West
and guide me to you



Original:
I am a tornado
But you are my equator
Equal to nothing
And far beyond a savior
My passion's for precious
And constant obsession
My love, it can not be better

I am my own danger
But you are my angel
Blinding and fearless
In beauty I'm tangled
My lust is for loving
And for you mine's endless
My love, we've grown together

Perhaps I'm not hateful
Just learning to love
I was a child
Who questioned too much
And though I am certain
These words aren't enough
My love, I'm still getting better

[fluorescent.43]

it seems there is no end to the love poems, is there? please refer to previous love poems posted here written in the same generically uninteresting style as yours. the spaces between lines make for an unnecessarily prolonged read and i'm not going to even mention the clichés here (as a poet, you should be able to learn to identify the classic love poem cliché either way).

i sort of like the ' i was child who questioned too much' line but in the poem's context makes no sense. even the title is generic. find something original to say about your love. something specific. in the category of love poems (there are so many of them that it makes this category very, very difficult to execute-- i rarely try it), it's better to focus on something tangible and human and unique, not 'you are my angel', 'my love', or 'constant obsession'.

i realize i've just given a bashing (lately i've been doing a lot of these-- sorry mods if i'm crossing the line ) but i do feel it's necessary for some poets to learn and grow in the right direction. i'm not saying this poem is awful-- given a harsh bleaching and revamping, possibly it could turn into something workable-- but this genre of poetry has been far overworked by young poets (in my opinion, a good love poem is the product of actual experience with the subject and with poetry in general).

if you intend to edit, good luck!

43.

All we ask is that you read seriously then respond honestly and as specifically as you can. mod

[kakashi1090]

it seems there is no end to the love poems, is there? please refer to previous love poems posted here written in the same generically uninteresting style as yours. the spaces between lines make for an unnecessarily prolonged read and i'm not going to even mention the clichés here (as a poet, you should be able to learn to identify the classic love poem cliché either way).

i sort of like the ' i was child who questioned too much' line but in the poem's context makes no sense. even the title is generic. find something original to say about your love. something specific. in the category of love poems (there are so many of them that it makes this category very, very difficult to execute-- i rarely try it), it's better to focus on something tangible and human and unique, not 'you are my angel', 'my love', or 'constant obsession'.

i realize i've just given a bashing (lately i've been doing a lot of these-- sorry mods if i'm crossing the line ) but i do feel it's necessary for some poets to learn and grow in the right direction. i'm not saying this poem is awful-- given a harsh bleaching and revamping, possibly it could turn into something workable-- but this genre of poetry has been far overworked by young poets (in my opinion, a good love poem is the product of actual experience with the subject and with poetry in general).

if you intend to edit, good luck!

43.

While nobody likes being told something as personal as a poem written about someone they love is utter garbage, especially when they are seeking to grow, I do appreciate your comments because I am trying to grow. Affirmation that my frustration with my own work is the same as someone else tells me I have a good critical eye with my own work. At the very least it tells me I am looking in the right direction.


I assume by your harsh criticism you are trying to say this may be more appropriate for the novice level threads. If other people have a similar response to you I may move it there. Thank you for the response.

[Cousin Kil]

I would have to agree with 43. on this one
the content honestly makes me resent the poem and the genre it falls in
it doesn't feel personal, and what you're trying to write about- love -IS COMPLETELY personal
you need to hone your language to make us feel something
I would suggest running with one of the threads of theme you have already, maybe something elemental like the tornado, or the idea of being "tangled"

[ellajam]

Hi, kakashi, I think you have something to work with here. The meter is well done and you stick to your form consistently. The place I would start: Consider whether or not the white space supports your poem, I'd like to see how it reads without it. Consider punctuating, I think it would help the reader, and along with that I'd love to see it without the first word of each line capitalized. If you think it helps the poem I'd love to hear why.

Some notes are below.

I am a tornado

But you are my equator I'm not sure tornado/equator works, but it's interesting.

Equal to nothing I like equal after equator.

And far beyond a savior

My passion's for precious This sounds nice but I'm not sure how precious is being used.

And constant obsession

My love, it can not be better



I am my own danger

But you are my angel Giant cliche.

Blinding and fearless

In beauty I'm tangled

My lust is for loving Nice line.

And for you mine's endless

My love, we've grown together



Perhaps I'm not hateful

Just learning to love I'm not sure where the hateful comes in, no background.

I was a child

Who questioned too much

And though I am certain

These words aren't enough

My love, I'm still getting better

Good luck with it.

[kakashi1090]

I would have to agree with 43. on this one
the content honestly makes me resent the poem and the genre it falls in
it doesn't feel personal, and what you're trying to write about- love -IS COMPLETELY personal
you need to hone your language to make us feel something
I would suggest running with one of the threads of theme you have already, maybe something elemental like the tornado, or the idea of being "tangled"

Hi, kakashi, I think you have something to work with here. The meter is well done and you stick to your form consistently. The place I would start: Consider whether or not the white space supports your poem, I'd like to see how it reads without it. Consider punctuating, I think it would help the reader, and along with that I'd love to see it without the first word of each line capitalized. If you think it helps the poem I'd love to hear why.

Some notes are below.

Good luck with it.
[/quote]
I actually didn't notice the spaces until 43 said something. It was some sort of formatting error since this was in word and then I just dragged it over to the text box. Big mistake on my part because, no it is pretty gross looking that way lol. Let me reformat it a bit so it isn't atrocious to look at anymore. However it is a good thing to stumble upon in case I can use it later. How's it go? Each mistake is an opportunity for success? Something like that...

I am a tornado
reaching to Aether.
Hands made of glass
and howling creatures.
A slave to your winds
Your whims are my way
Although I'm uncertain
My direction won't change

I am surely a danger,
But you seem unfazed.
With canines of diamonds
You spare me your grace.
My lust is for loving
Your reaching my way
Your sapphire iris
Has pierced through my grey

Tell me, oh Goddess
As you rule o'er this plain
Why me you beckon
A product of rain
Your motions permitting
Assuming they're true
Make these winds blow West
and guide me to you


I also decided to rework my approach a bit. As the other comments said it was rather vague and shallow. It's pretty much an overhaul but what the hell. I liked what Kil had said about running with a thread. (Dear God I rhymed in conversation can you tell I've been thinking this through)

[Payday Looksee]

kakashi, thanks for putting this one up. A few thoughts-- some along the lines of others here... By no means an exhaustive reflection, but some diverse ideas. I think you're on to something, though there is work to be done. I don't think you need to scrap it-- see how it responds to your molding, but be open to bleeding out one or two stanzas. I agree with Cousin Kil, though. Doesn't give the personal sense. I don't think you have too many images, though, which is a good start for sure. I look forward to watching it continue to brew.

First Revision:
I am a tornado
Maybe better let us figure that out later. Stating it up front doesn't convey the sense of gravity you might be trying for. It reminds me of a child dressed up in a tornado suit proclaiming his power.
reaching to Aether.
Classically, aether is more an "element" than a "place"- not synonymous with "the heavens" so much. I'd also not capitalize, for the same reason that you wouldn't capitalize "air" or "fire" necessarily.
Hands made body of glass
and howling creatures.
I'm a fan of "howling creatures", but I'm not sure why hands- we don't see them again
A slave to your winds
Your whims are my way
Although I'm uncertain
My direction won't change

I really like the tension between power and impotence in these first few lines

I am surely a danger,
Who is the speaker reassuring? Himself? It comes across as "insecure", which may be what you're going for
But you seem unfazed.
With canines of diamonds
You spare me your grace.
I'm not sold on the above two lines- the rhyme is shaky, "canines" is a bit clinical, and I'm having trouble with the imagery- can someone spare someone else with their teeth?
My lust is for loving
Your reaching my way punctuation could be good here. I'm a hyphen guy, but maybe see how a comma or semicolon works
Grammar unclear. Is "your reaching" the object of "loving"? Or do you mean to say "you're"? Or, Is "your reaching my way" one of a series of two things (+"your sapphire iris") that "has pierced through my grey"?
Your sapphire iris
Has pierced through my grey

I like your gemstone theme in this stanza. It's good enough to make a little more out of it- it stands in stark contrast to the fluid, grey, chaotic image of the storm

Tell me, oh Goddess
As youwho rules o'er thisthe plain
Why me you beckon
A product of rain again, punctuation would be good here
Your motions permitting, and here
Assuming they're true,
Make these winds blow West
and guide me to you

Why "assuming they're true"? At times the speaker seems to have unfailing trust, and at others, is uncertain. It might be nice to settle on some resolution of this tension by the end- either the speaker has convinced himself, or has decided to doubt...

Original:
I am a tornado
But you are my equator
Equal to nothing
And far beyond a savior
My passion's for precious
And constant obsession
My love, it can not be better

I am my own danger
But you are my angel
Blinding and fearless
In beauty I'm tangled
My lust is for loving
And for you mine's endless
My love, we've grown together

Perhaps I'm not hateful
Just learning to love
I was a child
Who questioned too much
And though I am certain
These words aren't enough
My love, I'm still getting better

[kakashi1090]

I would have to agree with 43. on this one
the content honestly makes me resent the poem and the genre it falls in
it doesn't feel personal, and what you're trying to write about- love -IS COMPLETELY personal
you need to hone your language to make us feel something
I would suggest running with one of the threads of theme you have already, maybe something elemental like the tornado, or the idea of being "tangled"

Hi, kakashi, I think you have something to work with here. The meter is well done and you stick to your form consistently. The place I would start: Consider whether or not the white space supports your poem, I'd like to see how it reads without it. Consider punctuating, I think it would help the reader, and along with that I'd love to see it without the first word of each line capitalized. If you think it helps the poem I'd love to hear why.

Some notes are below.

Good luck with it.

I actually didn't notice the spaces until 43 said something. It was some sort of formatting error since this was in word and then I just dragged it over to the text box. Big mistake on my part because, no it is pretty gross looking that way lol. Let me reformat it a bit so it isn't atrocious to look at anymore. However it is a good thing to stumble upon in case I can use it later. How's it go? Each mistake is an opportunity for success? Something like that...

I am a tornado
reaching to Aether.
Hands made of glass
and howling creatures.
A slave to your winds
Your whims are my way
Although I'm uncertain
My direction won't change

I am surely a danger,
But you seem unfazed.
With canines of diamonds
You spare me your grace.
My lust is for loving
Your reaching my way
Your sapphire iris
Has pierced through my grey

Tell me, oh Goddess
As you rule o'er this plain
Why me you beckon
A product of rain
Your motions permitting
Assuming they're true
Make these winds blow West
and guide me to you


I also decided to rework my approach a bit. As the other comments said it was rather vague and shallow. It's pretty much an overhaul but what the hell. I liked what Kil had said about running with a thread. (Dear God I rhymed in conversation can you tell I've been thinking this through)
[/quote]

I appreciate the response greatly! I am a huge fan of how people go down the poem adding notes and such to it. It's very helpful to me to see how the reader is responding throughout the read. I do aim for a lack of conviction in the character but I see how the conviction would really compliment the end since he is basically going "Well fine whatever I'll go for it" in a way. I'll edit it below.




I'm twisted and churning
to expose you my features.
My body of glass
and howling creatures.
A slave to your winds,
your whims are my way.
Although I'm uncertain,
my direction won't change.

You've seen my destruction,
yet you seem unfazed.
Your white diamond smile
soothes my torturous self-blame.
"Created for cleansing",
you claim it's my place.
Your sapphire iris
has pierced through my grey.

I'm thankful, oh Goddess
Who rules o'er this plain
You've seen I shine brightly
in spite of the rain.
Your words are a doldrum
to winds both anxious and confused.
Now make them blow West
and guide me to you.