Good Person

[Tigonfre]

Good Person
I give to charity,
so that others
might live happily,
so that mothers
can feed their kids

I care for my family
I am considerate
I want them to be happy
I am not burdened
by my deeds
I do them with love,
I provide for their needs
and make sure they have enough

Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm such a good person, can't you see?
Please don't hurt them

I give to charity. 
I tend to broken hearts.
I live happily. 
I am smart. 

I tell my secrets to the right people,
those that need my help,
I don't gossip,
I'm selectively truthful. 
Good people are kind. 
We lie when lies get us by. 
Good people are considerate 
(killers)
Consider it
(killers)
considerate

Good people love people (just one pill)
Good people let others win
(Sin no sin)
Good people don't ask questions
(Answers indefinite) 
Good people know only good 
(Get out while you could)
Join us, I'm such a good person join us I'm such a good person joy

I'm so innocent,
I'll never lie. 
Always smile when you say goodbye.
But you'll never leave
Never leave

We're such good people. 

Ask again?
When?
Tomorrow? 

"It would seem that he has indeed risen from his grave, after three days I'm told, apparently to save them, quite bold.

"Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm Such a goOd persON.  

---------------------------

I wrote this poem to try and illustrate how the good intentions of people are corrupted by forces that they are not aware of. It is a difficult thing to show because even the most disturbing things in the poem seem very innocent, but they most certainly are not. The idea behind the poem is the most important for me, I'm not so bothered by technical aspects, but I am aware of the fact that they are important. Any advice or critique would be appreciated.

[tectak]

Good Person
I give to charity,
so that others
might live happily,
so that mothers
can feed their kids

I care for my family
I am considerate
I want them to be happy
I am not burdened
by my deeds
I do them with love,
I provide for their needs
and make sure they have enough

Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm such a good person, can't you see?
Please don't hurt them

I give to charity. 
I tend to broken hearts.
I live happily. 
I am smart. 

I tell my secrets to the right people,
those that need my help,
I don't gossip,
I'm selectively truthful. 
Good people are kind. 
We lie when lies get us by. 
Good people are considerate 
(killers)
Consider it
(killers)
considerate

Good people love people (just one pill)
Good people let others win
(Sin no sin)
Good people don't ask questions
(Answers indefinite) 
Good people know only good 
(Get out while you could)
Join us, I'm such a good person join us I'm such a good person joy

I'm so innocent,
I'll never lie. 
Always smile when you say goodbye.
But you'll never leave
Never leave

We're such good people. 

Ask again?
When?
Tomorrow? 

"It would seem that he has indeed risen from his grave, after three days I'm told, apparently to save them, quite bold.

"Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm Such a goOd persON.  

---------------------------

I wrote this poem to try and illustrate how the good intentions of people are corrupted by forces that they are not aware of. It is a difficult thing to show because even the most disturbing things in the poem seem very innocent, but they most certainly are not. The idea behind the poem is the most important for me, I'm not so bothered by technical aspects, but I am aware of the fact that they are important. Any advice or critique would be appreciated.

As this is in Novice I can but suggest that you distill it. You say the same thing over and over so weakening whatever SALIENT point you are trying to make. Boil off all the water, it is just steam, and see what is left. I suspect it will be like making vodka from aftershave...there will not be much left  BUT what is left may be potent. For the record, and I risk things a bit here, we try not to make calls upon the ethical stance of the "poet" but on what the "poem" needs to be improved. By writing in first person you blackmail the majority of crits into empathy...this will do nothing for your writing skills but may make you feel better...especially amongst those who "feel" like you do. In this piece you cast your net so widely that there will be something in the catch for everyone... BUT "A poet who can’t make the language sing doesn’t start. Hence the shortage of real poems among the global planktonic field of duds." Clive James. There will be a lot of plankton in your net.
Best,
tectak

[Tigonfre]

Good Person
I give to charity,
so that others
might live happily,
so that mothers
can feed their kids

I care for my family
I am considerate
I want them to be happy
I am not burdened
by my deeds
I do them with love,
I provide for their needs
and make sure they have enough

Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm such a good person, can't you see?
Please don't hurt them

I give to charity. 
I tend to broken hearts.
I live happily. 
I am smart. 

I tell my secrets to the right people,
those that need my help,
I don't gossip,
I'm selectively truthful. 
Good people are kind. 
We lie when lies get us by. 
Good people are considerate 
(killers)
Consider it
(killers)
considerate

Good people love people (just one pill)
Good people let others win
(Sin no sin)
Good people don't ask questions
(Answers indefinite) 
Good people know only good 
(Get out while you could)
Join us, I'm such a good person join us I'm such a good person joy

I'm so innocent,
I'll never lie. 
Always smile when you say goodbye.
But you'll never leave
Never leave

We're such good people. 

Ask again?
When?
Tomorrow? 

"It would seem that he has indeed risen from his grave, after three days I'm told, apparently to save them, quite bold.

"Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm Such a goOd persON.  

---------------------------

I wrote this poem to try and illustrate how the good intentions of people are corrupted by forces that they are not aware of. It is a difficult thing to show because even the most disturbing things in the poem seem very innocent, but they most certainly are not. The idea behind the poem is the most important for me, I'm not so bothered by technical aspects, but I am aware of the fact that they are important. Any advice or critique would be appreciated.

As this is in Novice I can but suggest that you distill it. You say the same thing over and over so weakening whatever SALIENT point you are trying to make. Boil off all the water, it is just steam, and see what is left. I suspect it will be like making vodka from aftershave...there will not be much left  BUT what is left may be potent. For the record, and I risk things a bit here, we try not to make calls upon the ethical stance of the "poet" but on what the "poem" needs to be improved. By writing in first person you blackmail the majority of crits into empathy...this will do nothing for your writing skills but may make you feel better...especially amongst those who "feel" like you do. In this piece you cast your net so widely that there will be something in the catch for everyone... BUT "A poet who can’t make the language sing doesn’t start. Hence the shortage of real poems among the global planktonic field of duds." Clive James. There will be a lot of plankton in your net.
Best,
tectak

Thanks for the advice. I do not understand exactly what you are suggesting, but I agree that there is too much repetition in the poem. It's my prose-instinct to add too many unessential details. However, I cannot see the poem from your point of view, so I am not sure how to change it. Poetry is little more than a hobby for me, something to use occasionally in conjunction with prose.
I think I should have made the identity of the speaker clearer. It's actually the devil doing a monologue

[tectak]

Good Person
I give to charity,
so that others
might live happily,
so that mothers
can feed their kids

I care for my family
I am considerate
I want them to be happy
I am not burdened
by my deeds
I do them with love,
I provide for their needs
and make sure they have enough

Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm such a good person, can't you see?
Please don't hurt them

I give to charity. 
I tend to broken hearts.
I live happily. 
I am smart. 

I tell my secrets to the right people,
those that need my help,
I don't gossip,
I'm selectively truthful. 
Good people are kind. 
We lie when lies get us by. 
Good people are considerate 
(killers)
Consider it
(killers)
considerate

Good people love people (just one pill)
Good people let others win
(Sin no sin)
Good people don't ask questions
(Answers indefinite) 
Good people know only good 
(Get out while you could)
Join us, I'm such a good person join us I'm such a good person joy

I'm so innocent,
I'll never lie. 
Always smile when you say goodbye.
But you'll never leave
Never leave

We're such good people. 

Ask again?
When?
Tomorrow? 

"It would seem that he has indeed risen from his grave, after three days I'm told, apparently to save them, quite bold.

"Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm Such a goOd persON.  

---------------------------

I wrote this poem to try and illustrate how the good intentions of people are corrupted by forces that they are not aware of. It is a difficult thing to show because even the most disturbing things in the poem seem very innocent, but they most certainly are not. The idea behind the poem is the most important for me, I'm not so bothered by technical aspects, but I am aware of the fact that they are important. Any advice or critique would be appreciated.

As this is in Novice I can but suggest that you distill it. You say the same thing over and over so weakening whatever SALIENT point you are trying to make. Boil off all the water, it is just steam, and see what is left. I suspect it will be like making vodka from aftershave...there will not be much left  BUT what is left may be potent. For the record, and I risk things a bit here, we try not to make calls upon the ethical stance of the "poet" but on what the "poem" needs to be improved. By writing in first person you blackmail the majority of crits into empathy...this will do nothing for your writing skills but may make you feel better...especially amongst those who "feel" like you do. In this piece you cast your net so widely that there will be something in the catch for everyone... BUT "A poet who can’t make the language sing doesn’t start. Hence the shortage of real poems among the global planktonic field of duds." Clive James. There will be a lot of plankton in your net.
Best,
tectak

Thanks for the advice. I do not understand exactly what you are suggesting, but I agree that there is too much repetition in the poem. It's my prose-instinct to add too many unessential details. However, I cannot see the poem from your point of view, so I am not sure how to change it. Poetry is little more than a hobby for me, something to use occasionally in conjunction with prose.
I think I should have made the identity of the speaker clearer. It's actually the devil doing a monologue

Yah...well, everybody needs a hobby. Take it leave it, I guess. Pointed points...prose instinct? Even in prose one unessential detail is too many. I have absolutely no wish to encourage you or anyone to see "their" poem from "my" point of view...but vice-versa is useful most times. The devil doing a monologue? Well, if you say so...but who'd have thought it?
What I am suggesting, as this is in Novice , is that you distill it. You say the same thing over and over so weakening whatever SALIENT point you are trying to make. Boil off all the water, it is just steam, and see what is left. I thought that was clear a gin.
Best,
tectak

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Tigonfre-

A monologue by the devil, eh? Unless you'd have said so, that fact would not have struck me.

Another approach is required. First person is OK, and angling for "sympathy for the devil" is OK too. I think that Mick's much more direct treatment is also more effective.

Tighten this one down, and don't be so obscure that you need to then tell readers after the fact what the poem is about: that is not a luxury afforded outside this forum.

And yes, I did get the SON at the end line. But I'm afraid that only confused this reader even more, because I did NOT take it to mean LUCIFER, the fallen angel. So, you spend a lot of words leading up to an obscure ending. That can be deadly, my friend.

... Mark

[tectak]

Hello Tigonfre-

A monologue by the devil, eh?   Unless you'd have said so, that fact would not have struck me.  

Another approach is required.  First person is OK, and angling for "sympathy for the devil" is OK too.  I think that Mick's much more direct treatment is also more effective.  

Tighten this one down, and don't be so obscure that you need to then tell readers after the fact what the poem is about:  that is not a luxury afforded outside this forum.  

And yes, I did get the SON at the end line.  But I'm afraid that only confused this reader even more, because I did NOT take it to mean LUCIFER, the fallen angel.  So, you spend a lot of words leading up to an obscure ending.  That can be deadly, my friend.

... Mark

...I got SOON. Huh?

[Tigonfre]

Hello Tigonfre-

A monologue by the devil, eh?   Unless you'd have said so, that fact would not have struck me.  

Another approach is required.  First person is OK, and angling for "sympathy for the devil" is OK too.  I think that Mick's much more direct treatment is also more effective.  

Tighten this one down, and don't be so obscure that you need to then tell readers after the fact what the poem is about:  that is not a luxury afforded outside this forum.  

And yes, I did get the SON at the end line.  But I'm afraid that only confused this reader even more, because I did NOT take it to mean LUCIFER, the fallen angel.  So, you spend a lot of words leading up to an obscure ending.  That can be deadly, my friend.

... Mark

]
...I got SOON. Huh?

Thanks Mark. I thought it was obvious, with that creepy line where he asks everyone to "join us". Also the (killers) in brackets and the speech degrading into weird, out of context words. Then the direct speech passage mentioning someone that has risen from his grave after three days to "save them", followed by more direct speech repeating the mantra, but with the word "soon" in it, as in "it is almost time".
I'll try to change it into a third person poem, but I've already written such a poem with a similar meaning. This one will have to go into the "Metamorphosis file".

---

What does the word "killers" signify? Just curious.

The paradox of being both considerate ("good person property") and a killer ("bad person property") I wanted to point out how some "bad people" like killers have good traits as well, and are actually just as good as most others.

[ZacharyTwedell]

Good Person
I give to charity,
so that others
might live happily,
so that mothers
can feed their kids

I care for my family
I am considerate
I want them to be happy
I am not burdened
by my deeds
I do them with love,
I provide for their needs
and make sure they have enough

Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm such a good person, can't you see?
Please don't hurt them

I give to charity. 
I tend to broken hearts.
I live happily. 
I am smart. 

I tell my secrets to the right people,
those that need my help,
I don't gossip,
I'm selectively truthful. 
Good people are kind. 
We lie when lies get us by. 
Good people are considerate 
(killers)
Consider it
(killers)
considerate

Good people love people (just one pill)
Good people let others win
(Sin no sin)
Good people don't ask questions
(Answers indefinite) 
Good people know only good 
(Get out while you could)
Join us, I'm such a good person join us I'm such a good person joy

I'm so innocent,
I'll never lie. 
Always smile when you say goodbye.
But you'll never leave
Never leave

We're such good people. 

Ask again?
When?
Tomorrow? 

"It would seem that he has indeed risen from his grave, after three days I'm told, apparently to save them, quite bold.

"Why do bad things happen to me?
I'm Such a goOd persON.  

---------------------------

I wrote this poem to try and illustrate how the good intentions of people are corrupted by forces that they are not aware of. It is a difficult thing to show because even the most disturbing things in the poem seem very innocent, but they most certainly are not. The idea behind the poem is the most important for me, I'm not so bothered by technical aspects, but I am aware of the fact that they are important. Any advice or critique would be appreciated.

Well, I'll start by presenting that my knowledge of poetry is minuscule. I don't know much about the works of formating poetry and how that gets based. On a literally standpoint, I enjoyed the character's characteristics. The man that truly wants to just be positive and generous. Then is conflicted, because the world around him is a let down. I don't know if there's a different context you could use, to express when he has his, "moments". The way it was done I found perplexed, even though I knew what it was. But again I'm new to the poetry world, so not a lot of basis to go on as of yet. I didn't want to stop reading, so I was engulfed to the end. Wondering if he was going to lash at someone. Good Job.

[yessiryessum]

I like the arc of the narrator's journey- so sure of his/her own goodness, but seemingly being assaulted by the underlying evils inside of him/her.

I do think that the part before the "bad stuff" starts popping up might go on too long. It begins feeling very repetitive- not much gets added after the first stanza, until "killers" appear. Maybe you could condense several stanzas into one or two- make the "kick" of the poem stand out more.

[Weeded]

Even after you state this is a monologue from the devil, I still can't see it. I tried too- believe me. I think a first person depiction of the Devil is very difficult to pull off- especially after the Rolling Stones. There's not much in the poem of religion, either. The Devil is said to speak in tongues, maybe take this into consideration if you decide to edit? The Stones interpretation is extremely potent with the idea the Devil is not necessarily a good person, but a sophisticated person with charm. (Please allow me to introduce myself/ I'm a man of wealth and taste/Pleased to meet you!/Hope you guess my name!) Not saying you should piggyback ideas from classic rock songs but it's said the Devil disguises himself as the Angel of Light to get what he wants (so he must be charming, and sophisticated). Also I have no idea what that last line is supposed to mean.

I think the idea of this poem is great, however it seems to be lost in execution.