Beasts of Burden

[Turtle]

Thanks to all the critics, this piece has been in dire need of editing for a long time. I shelved it a while back, seeing potential but always cringing in the back of my head every time I came across it. I like it quite a bit more now, but I also still welcome feedback.

EDIT #4
Taken to the ocean,
they are men afraid of fear.
Forsaken
steel beasts of burden
who hail a god of homogeneity
with a silver smile.

new homes,
old lands,
a cause written – justified.
Spoken with broken fingers
by owners of a stolen lie.

Watch quietly, weep.
Then save yourself from that
burden,
their beast.
Be still while waiting patiently
to see the cycle repeat.

EDIT #3
They've taken to vast oceans
and are owners of stolen hearts.
They are men afraid of fear, forsaken
steel beasts of burden
who hail a god of homogeneity
with silver teeth, and hating blood.

With new homes
in old lands,
their cause was written, and justified.
They spoke with broken fingers and
avoided what was left behind.

We watched quietly, wept,
waved our hands in peace.
Then saved ourselves from that
burden,
their beast,
and faded while waiting patiently
to see the cycle repeat.

EDIT #2
They've taken to vast oceans
and are proprietors of stolen hearts,
they are men afraid of fear, forsaken
steel beasts of burden
hailing a god of homogeneity,
with silver teeth, and hating blood.

With new homes
in old lands,
their cause was written, and justified,
speaking with broken fingers and
avoiding what was left behind.
 
We watched quietly and wept,
waving our hands in peace,
saving ourselves from that
burden,
their beast,
fading while waiting patiently
to see the cycle repeat.

EDIT #1
They've taken to vast oceans,
proprietors of stolen hearts, they are
bringers of steel beasts of burden.
They are men afraid of fear, and
have forsaken their ancient nature,
hailing a lord, a god of homogeneity,
praising a golden sun
with silver teeth, and hating blood.

With new homes in old lands,
silver teeth, and hating blood,
the bringers justified their cause,
speaking with broken fingers and
avoiding what they’ve lost.
 
We watched quietly and wept aloud,
waving our weathered hands in peace,
saving ourselves from that burden,
their beast,
fading away slowly while standing boldly,
awaiting patiently on both our feet.

ORIGINAL
They've taken to vast oceans,
sailing vessels soaked in lacquer,
distilled with broken fingers and
by men afraid of fear.

Forsaking their ancient nature,
they hail the god of cold wrath,
the lord of homogeneity,
praising their golden sun.

They found new homes in old lands,
preying upon weakened equals
and courageous hospitality,
only to stray from those words
spoken by those who would save our world.

Abounding with trinkets, they are
bringers of Steel Beasts of Burden,
chariots made by boiling blood,
silvering teeth, and hating love.

They stole the earth, written and justified,
proprietors of stolen hearts,
they would wave fingers and noses,
while gnawing away at stars in the sky.

We watched and wept,
waving our hands in peace,
saving ourselves from the burden,
the beast,
fading away while standing on both our feet.

[John]

They've taken to vast oceans, Who are they? People or sailing vessels?
sailing vessels soaked in lacquer, Is this a suggestion of glinting topsides? For those acquainted with the sea, soaking in lacquer will do nothing for underwater hull preservation. I like the alliteration, and subtle consonance in vessels and lacquer.
distilled with broken fingers and Can't see the relevance of broken fingers distilling lacquer.
by men afraid of fear. Phobophobic? Is this an inverted way of saying they're brave?

Forsaking their ancient nature, Which was...?
they hail the god of cold wrath,
the lord of homogeneity, This'll have readers scurrying for their dictionaries.
praising their golden sun. Sounds like the god doing the praising. What if this line was second in the stanza?

They found new homes in old lands,
preying upon weakened equals Again, like the joint assonance and consonance in just two words. Isn't the word 'equals' a misnomer? So far 'they' haven't been considered in that vein.
and courageous hospitality,
only to stray from those words I get the impression that 'they' have never been allied to those words, therefore can't stray.
spoken by those who would save our world.

Abounding with trinkets, they are Are 'they' adorned with trinkets, or are the trinkets gifts or bribes?
bringers of Steel Beasts of Burden, Why capitalise here? Lord, god, and homogeneity weren't capitalised. And what are the beasts? I can imagine a shire horse, or a donkey, and even a robot.
chariots made by boiling blood, Can't imagine this.
silvering teeth, and hating love. Comma-splicing has thrown this stanza out of kilter for me. The beasts could be the chariots, and the chariots can be made of boiling blood, silvering teeth, and... what?

They stole the earth, written and justified, What does written and justified mean?
proprietors of stolen hearts, Sounds like they captivated all the maidens. Doesn't sit well with cold wrath, idolatry, boiling blood, and hating love. Too much incongruity for me.
they would wave fingers and noses, How do you wave a nose? I know elephants can.
while gnawing away at stars in the sky. I confess to being defeated here.

We watched and wept, With relief? Good that the alliteration has rolled over to the second line.
waving our hands in peace,
saving ourselves from the burden,
the beast,
fading away while standing on both our feet. Put the first and last lines of this stanza together, and who/what is fading away?

Hi, Turtle. Seriously, I'm exhausted trying to understand this. I don't deny that it may well be down to me, but then I am the reader.  

Free verse is one thing for me to come to terms with, but this poem has reminded me of the apostle John writing the Book of Revelation whilst in prison. Max Max didn't seem to fit, nor Viking invasions, nor the Spanish in South America, or even anything post-apocalyptic.

Without doubt you've had some fantastic imagery in your mind when writing, but it hasn't translated for me onto the page in a way that I could lose myself in. As I say, it may well be down to me, but any type of explanation will help me try and understand this type of work in the future.

Cheers, and thanks for the opportunity to read it.

[tectak]

They've taken to vast oceans, Who? Will beasts of burden be a clue?
sailing vessels soaked in lacquer, No...and what is this laquer to which you refer? Is "sailing" a descriptor or a verb? 3 Q's and no A's yet.
distilled with broken fingers and About now I am sure I have missed a monumental metaphor. Now, as metaphors should clarify I am doubly disabled if I cannot even find the bloody thing. What is "distilled"? Why is it distilled? What breaks whose fingers? Are the "men" next line, beasts of burden? Is the greatest fear the fear of fear itself or is there a greater fear of the fear of fear itself...and...and...well, you see the problem.Phobophobophobophobia.
by men afraid of fear.

Forsaking their ancient nature, If atavism comes in to this there had better be a good reason...but until we define "they" nothing really matters. This is a technical issue...the structure of the piece is threatened by the lack of rigidity. The whole piece is so flimsy it is like a tower built of words but held together with fog.Homogenous it ain't. I believe that the over-use of they/their is a significant issue.
they hail the god of cold wrath,
the lord of homogeneity, This is downright obscure. Abstract I can just about take but deliberate obtuseness smacks of author anal retention. You KNOW what you mean and you are keeping the meaning hidden somewhere the sun don't shine. Is this an unfair comment? Should I appease thus-wise? OK. It could be me, but...
praising their golden sun.

They found new homes in old lands,
preying upon weakened equals
and courageous hospitality,
only to stray from those words
spoken by those who would save our world. Gobbledygook

Abounding with trinkets, they are
bringers of Steel Beasts of Burden,
chariots made by boiling blood,
silvering teeth, and hating love. To damned wordy for a simple cliche. White man come...bring offerings and great thunder-beast to cross our sacred land...take our buffalo and etc etc. You may as well just say it...cliches can be made of words or of intentions. Sometimes both.

They stole the earth, written and justified,
proprietors of stolen hearts,
they would wave fingers and noses,
while gnawing away at stars in the sky. Comedic but then collapses in to death on a stage. Nobody laughs at the waving noses.

We watched and wept,
waving our hands in peace,
saving ourselves from the burden,
the beast,
fading away while standing on both our feet. Amen...a life sentence if ever I read one.

Hi turtle,
I sometimes wish I could cast a universal spell and make all poetry clear in intent and simple in construct...but how boring would that be? Instead, I continue to wrestle with the deep and profound thinking which is manifestly popular amongst the esoteric writers. Work like this puzzles me greatly and I am at a loss to make easy sense of it. No doubt (well,nothing is certain) I could spend a day or too convincing myself that I "get" it...but surely, it is the job/purpose/point/raison d'etre of the poet to make clear the theme. In line comments, then, are more on technicalities.
Best,
tectak

[Turtle]

They've taken to vast oceans, Who are they? People or sailing vessels?
sailing vessels soaked in lacquer, Is this a suggestion of glinting topsides? For those acquainted with the sea, soaking in lacquer will do nothing for underwater hull preservation. I like the alliteration, and subtle consonance in vessels and lacquer.
distilled with broken fingers and Can't see the relevance of broken fingers distilling lacquer.
by men afraid of fear. Phobophobic? Is this an inverted way of saying they're brave?

Forsaking their ancient nature, Which was...?
they hail the god of cold wrath,
the lord of homogeneity, This'll have readers scurrying for their dictionaries.
praising their golden sun. Sounds like the god doing the praising. What if this line was second in the stanza?

They found new homes in old lands,
preying upon weakened equals Again, like the joint assonance and consonance in just two words. Isn't the word 'equals' a misnomer? So far 'they' haven't been considered in that vein.
and courageous hospitality,
only to stray from those words I get the impression that 'they' have never been allied to those words, therefore can't stray.
spoken by those who would save our world.

Abounding with trinkets, they are Are 'they' adorned with trinkets, or are the trinkets gifts or bribes?
bringers of Steel Beasts of Burden, Why capitalise here? Lord, god, and homogeneity weren't capitalised. And what are the beasts? I can imagine a shire horse, or a donkey, and even a robot.
chariots made by boiling blood, Can't imagine this.
silvering teeth, and hating love. Comma-splicing has thrown this stanza out of kilter for me. The beasts could be the chariots, and the chariots can be made of boiling blood, silvering teeth, and... what?

They stole the earth, written and justified, What does written and justified mean?
proprietors of stolen hearts, Sounds like they captivated all the maidens. Doesn't sit well with cold wrath, idolatry, boiling blood, and hating love. Too much incongruity for me.
they would wave fingers and noses, How do you wave a nose? I know elephants can.
while gnawing away at stars in the sky. I confess to being defeated here.

We watched and wept, With relief? Good that the alliteration has rolled over to the second line.
waving our hands in peace,
saving ourselves from the burden,
the beast,
fading away while standing on both our feet. Put the first and last lines of this stanza together, and who/what is fading away?

Hi, Turtle. Seriously, I'm exhausted trying to understand this. I don't deny that it may well be down to me, but then I am the reader.  

Free verse is one thing for me to come to terms with, but this poem has reminded me of the apostle John writing the Book of Revelation whilst in prison. Max Max didn't seem to fit, nor Viking invasions, nor the Spanish in South America, or even anything post-apocalyptic.

Without doubt you've had some fantastic imagery in your mind when writing, but it hasn't translated for me onto the page in a way that I could lose myself in. As I say, it may well be down to me, but any type of explanation will help me try and understand this type of work in the future.

Cheers, and thanks for the opportunity to read it.  

Thank you John. Many of your suggestions/comments, especially the ones about the unnecessary ambiguity and wordiness, are ones I am also concerned about. Which is why I've posted this sucker on the internet. I will review and edit.

Tectak. Thanks for the critique. I will take your comments into consideration as I do some edits. I was well aware of the many questions that may arise. I left it vague and meandering to see what people thought of it, and where the meandering might be useful. I totally agree about the overuse of the word "they", among other things. And you are totally fair with your comments (they are your comments), I do keep my poetic meanings tucked away deep inside a place where the sun don't shine...  
On a side note. It's not cool to make light of historical traumas/atrocities. It's not really a cliche if people rarely talk about it... the only dialogue that does occur is usually an avoidance dialogue. The Hollywood stereotypes are definitely cliches, but indigenous communities didn't have much to do with the development of those. Unfortunately those are the ones that get stuck in peoples head, and then when an expression comes from the source it often gets plastered with the overused, false imagery that's been perpetuated by the movie industry. I've become used to it, so please don't take this as some kind of personal issue, I'm simply clarifying something that is very commonly misunderstood.  

[tectak]

They've taken to vast oceans, Who are they? People or sailing vessels?
sailing vessels soaked in lacquer, Is this a suggestion of glinting topsides? For those acquainted with the sea, soaking in lacquer will do nothing for underwater hull preservation. I like the alliteration, and subtle consonance in vessels and lacquer.
distilled with broken fingers and Can't see the relevance of broken fingers distilling lacquer.
by men afraid of fear. Phobophobic? Is this an inverted way of saying they're brave?

Forsaking their ancient nature, Which was...?
they hail the god of cold wrath,
the lord of homogeneity, This'll have readers scurrying for their dictionaries.
praising their golden sun. Sounds like the god doing the praising. What if this line was second in the stanza?

They found new homes in old lands,
preying upon weakened equals Again, like the joint assonance and consonance in just two words. Isn't the word 'equals' a misnomer? So far 'they' haven't been considered in that vein.
and courageous hospitality,
only to stray from those words I get the impression that 'they' have never been allied to those words, therefore can't stray.
spoken by those who would save our world.

Abounding with trinkets, they are Are 'they' adorned with trinkets, or are the trinkets gifts or bribes?
bringers of Steel Beasts of Burden, Why capitalise here? Lord, god, and homogeneity weren't capitalised. And what are the beasts? I can imagine a shire horse, or a donkey, and even a robot.
chariots made by boiling blood, Can't imagine this.
silvering teeth, and hating love. Comma-splicing has thrown this stanza out of kilter for me. The beasts could be the chariots, and the chariots can be made of boiling blood, silvering teeth, and... what?

They stole the earth, written and justified, What does written and justified mean?
proprietors of stolen hearts, Sounds like they captivated all the maidens. Doesn't sit well with cold wrath, idolatry, boiling blood, and hating love. Too much incongruity for me.
they would wave fingers and noses, How do you wave a nose? I know elephants can.
while gnawing away at stars in the sky. I confess to being defeated here.

We watched and wept, With relief? Good that the alliteration has rolled over to the second line.
waving our hands in peace,
saving ourselves from the burden,
the beast,
fading away while standing on both our feet. Put the first and last lines of this stanza together, and who/what is fading away?

Hi, Turtle. Seriously, I'm exhausted trying to understand this. I don't deny that it may well be down to me, but then I am the reader.  

Free verse is one thing for me to come to terms with, but this poem has reminded me of the apostle John writing the Book of Revelation whilst in prison. Max Max didn't seem to fit, nor Viking invasions, nor the Spanish in South America, or even anything post-apocalyptic.

Without doubt you've had some fantastic imagery in your mind when writing, but it hasn't translated for me onto the page in a way that I could lose myself in. As I say, it may well be down to me, but any type of explanation will help me try and understand this type of work in the future.

Cheers, and thanks for the opportunity to read it.  

Thank you John. Many of your suggestions/comments, especially the ones about the unnecessary ambiguity and wordiness, are ones I am also concerned about. Which is why I've posted this sucker on the internet. I will review and edit.

Tectak. Thanks for the critique. I will take your comments into consideration as I do some edits. I was well aware of the many questions that may arise. I left it vague and meandering to see what people thought of it, and where the meandering might be useful. I totally agree about the overuse of the word "they", among other things. And you are totally fair with your comments (they are your comments), I do keep my poetic meanings tucked away deep inside a place where the sun don't shine...  
On a side note. It's not cool to make light of historical traumas/atrocities. It's not really a cliche if people rarely talk about it... the only dialogue that does occur is usually an avoidance dialogue. The Hollywood stereotypes are definitely cliches, but indigenous communities didn't have much to do with the development of those. Unfortunately those are the ones that get stuck in peoples head, and then when an expression comes from the source it often gets plastered with the overused, false imagery that's been perpetuated by the movie industry. I've become used to it, so please don't take this as some kind of personal issue, I'm simply clarifying something that is very commonly misunderstood.  

Clarifying? Huh?

[fluorescent.43]

EDIT #1
They've taken to vast oceans,
proprietors of stolen hearts, they are the first three lines are too confusing... fix the sentence structure.
bringers of steel beasts of burden. massive comma splice in L2.
They are men afraid of fear, and contractions... no comma needed.
have forsaken [of] their ancient nature, you need to end this line here; otherwise, it becomes a long and wacky run-on.
[They]hailing a lord, a god of homogeneity, which is it? lord or god? of homogeneity? what?
praising[e] a golden sun
with silver teeth, and hating blood. major annoyance: who the hell is 'they'? and their god? 'and hating blood' makes no sense whatsoever poetically and grammatically. are you saying that 'they' are a peaceful people? the placement makes it sound like the golden sun hates blood.

With new homes in old lands, i thought they were explorers from the first stanza. then why 'old lands'?
silver teeth, and hating blood, what's the significance of this line for it to be repeated? i don't even know what it means.
the bringers justified their cause, bringers of what? they can't have just brought 'steel beasts of burden', right?
speaking with broken fingers and i like this line. evocative
avoiding what they’ve lost. this run-on brings tears to my eyes. fix the punctuation, i beg you. also, the last line is too vague. what have 'they lost'? and WHO ARE THEY?  
 
We watched quietly and wept aloud,
waving our weathered hands in peace,
saving ourselves from that burden,
their beast, now it's 'we'. we and they and me and you and them and everybody and anyone and nobody and her.
fading away slowly while standing boldly, too many adverbs.
awaiting patiently on both our feet. huh?

this was in serious workshopping, so i hope you don't mind the bash. anyways, i don't like it. sorry! i do think it's got massive potential (i normally quite like poems like these) if only you could fix the grammar and introduce some clarity about what you're trying to say or the story you're trying to tell. because all i have in mind are the vikings. if you're trying to be broad and expansive to include everyone and everything, it's not working.

personally, i like the ideas you raise in the poem. interesting concepts, mostly original. it just needs polishing, and a bit of chipping. a lot of your stanzas follow the same structure: line after line ends in a comma, finally to end in a period. i would also argue that some of the words are unnecessary, but that's just because i prefer a more minimalist style.

hopefully this will help some, or just a little. good luck if you intend to edit this further!

43.

[Turtle]

EDIT #1
They've taken to vast oceans,
proprietors of stolen hearts, they are the first three lines are too confusing... fix the sentence structure.
bringers of steel beasts of burden. massive comma splice in L2.
They are men afraid of fear, and contractions... no comma needed.
have forsaken [of] their ancient nature, you need to end this line here; otherwise, it becomes a long and wacky run-on.
[They]hailing a lord, a god of homogeneity, which is it? lord or god? of homogeneity? what?
praising[e] a golden sun
with silver teeth, and hating blood. major annoyance: who the hell is 'they'? and their god? 'and hating blood' makes no sense whatsoever poetically and grammatically. are you saying that 'they' are a peaceful people? the placement makes it sound like the golden sun hates blood.

With new homes in old lands, i thought they were explorers from the first stanza. then why 'old lands'?
silver teeth, and hating blood, what's the significance of this line for it to be repeated? i don't even know what it means.
the bringers justified their cause, bringers of what? they can't have just brought 'steel beasts of burden', right?
speaking with broken fingers and i like this line. evocative
avoiding what they’ve lost. this run-on brings tears to my eyes. fix the punctuation, i beg you. also, the last line is too vague. what have 'they lost'? and WHO ARE THEY?  
 
We watched quietly and wept aloud,
waving our weathered hands in peace,
saving ourselves from that burden,
their beast, now it's 'we'. we and they and me and you and them and everybody and anyone and nobody and her.
fading away slowly while standing boldly, too many adverbs.
awaiting patiently on both our feet. huh?

this was in serious workshopping, so i hope you don't mind the bash. anyways, i don't like it. sorry! i do think it's got massive potential (i normally quite like poems like these) if only you could fix the grammar and introduce some clarity about what you're trying to say or the story you're trying to tell. because all i have in mind are the vikings. if you're trying to be broad and expansive to include everyone and everything, it's not working.

personally, i like the ideas you raise in the poem. interesting concepts, mostly original. it just needs polishing, and a bit of chipping. a lot of your stanzas follow the same structure: line after line ends in a comma, finally to end in a period. i would also argue that some of the words are unnecessary, but that's just because i prefer a more minimalist style.

hopefully this will help some, or just a little. good luck if you intend to edit this further!

43.

Thanks 43. I appreciate the feedback. I've taken that, and some other comments into consideration and have posted another edit.

[John]

EDIT #2
They've taken to vast oceans Grammatically, the first stanza is one long sentence with comma-spliced disparate clauses. Until the clauses are better defined/associated/ordered throughout, punctuation can't be effectively assessed.
and are proprietors of stolen hearts, Cliché? To avoid the slight tongue-twist, would 'keepers' serve instead of proprietors?
they are men afraid of fear, forsaken Like the consonance.
steel beasts of burden It reads as if the men are the forsaken beasts, but who has the silver teeth and hates blood? Their god?
hailing a god of homogeneity,
with silver teeth, and hating blood. Good tetrameter. Makes the work far easier to read. Whatever the form, I look for speech rhythm.

With new homes
in old lands,
their cause was written, and justified,
speaking with broken fingers and
avoiding what was left behind.
 
We watched quietly and wept,
waving our hands in peace,
saving ourselves from that
burden,
their beast,
fading while waiting patiently
to see the cycle repeat.

Hi, Turtle. I've only addressed some grammatical issues in S1 with a view to cascading down through the rest. Hope it's of some use.

Cheers.

[Turtle]

EDIT #2
They've taken to vast oceans Grammatically, the first stanza is one long sentence with comma-spliced disparate clauses. Until the clauses are better defined/associated/ordered throughout, punctuation can't be effectively assessed.
and are proprietors of stolen hearts, Cliché? To avoid the slight tongue-twist, would 'keepers' serve instead of proprietors?
they are men afraid of fear, forsaken Like the consonance.
steel beasts of burden It reads as if the men are the forsaken beasts, but who has the silver teeth and hates blood? Their god?
hailing a god of homogeneity,
with silver teeth, and hating blood. Good tetrameter. Makes the work far easier to read. Whatever the form, I look for speech rhythm.

With new homes
in old lands,
their cause was written, and justified,
speaking with broken fingers and
avoiding what was left behind.
 
We watched quietly and wept,
waving our hands in peace,
saving ourselves from that
burden,
their beast,
fading while waiting patiently
to see the cycle repeat.

Hi, Turtle. I've only addressed some grammatical issues in S1 with a view to cascading down through the rest. Hope it's of some use.

Cheers.

Thanks John. That did help.

[Animal Riots Activist]

Thanks to all the critics, this piece has been in dire need of editing for a long time. I shelved it a while back, seeing potential but always cringing in the back of my head every time I came across it. I like it quite a bit more now, but I also still welcome feedback.

EDIT #3
I'll avoid the grammar in this because it seems like it's been covered by others

They've taken to vast oceans -a tad redundant: Ocean implies vastness
and are owners of stolen hearts. -Stolen hearts is essentially devoid of any image or meaning for me and quite cliche.
They are men afraid of fear, forsaken
steel beasts of burden -This confuses me, are they pirates? Capitalists? Trains?
who hail a god of homogeneity
with silver teeth, and hating blood. These just further confuse me; this poem is so generalized I can't really get much from it.

With new homes
in old lands, -Seems like we're talking about america now?
their cause was written, and justified.
They spoke with broken fingers and
avoided what was left behind. -yep pretty much vaguely sounds like america

We watched quietly, wept, -Hold up. Now who is the we?
waved our hands in peace.
Then saved ourselves from that
burden,
their beast, -I like this set of three lines (this and the two preceding). It would be quite effective if I had the slightest idea (in specific terms) what is going on.
and faded while waiting patiently
to see the cycle repeat.

This poem doesn't give an inch! It is completely cloaked in vagueness and generalization, which makes it inaccessible to me.
-Em