The Bottomless Pit - Rev. #1

[John]

The Bottomless Pit - Rev. #1

Greedy sod.
You saunter up with cool aplomb
like a conceited dandy,
snatch her sandwich and saunter on,
and leave some startled woman in your wake.

Don't look at me like that;
emotional blackmail just won't work.
You want some food? Then find your own.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips in peace,
and savour the harbour and the sun.

Bog off, and con some trusting trippers
with faces full of burgers and buns.
Plenty of pickings for gluttons like you.
Pinch a crab from the kid's bucket,
and listen to him laugh and his mother shout
while his dad holds out some crispy cod
and you swallow the bloody lot whole.

Sodding beggars grubbing for dregs.
Our fault, giving in to pitiful looks.
You wouldn't be scrounging if you weren't hungry -
but you're not.

Bastard seagulls.

-------------------------------

The Bottomless Pit - ORIGINAL

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls.

[peacejazzspirit]

Throughout the entire poem, I was wondering: who/what is this person/thing bothering you? I like poetry where the very last line jumps out and answers all my questions, sometimes making me feel silly for not realizing before. But maybe you could add some more details regarding what this seagull is doing to bother you to create a better image? And why is it called The Bottomless Pit? I see no relation between the title and the poem itself, unless you want the seagull to drop into a bottomless pit that is.

Ah... never mind my comment on the title. Just reread it again and I like your metaphor of a beggar never satisfied to a bottomless pit.

[Keith]

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls.

Hi John
You know in Padstow they fed them contraception to cull the ever increasing population, plenty of food to go round now. The poem for me is a little bit, too much tell and not enough show, with this subject matter you have many options to give the reader a glimpse of what is going on and a few well placed images could really improve the reading experience. I can't stand seagulls and I had the essence of the poem nailed by line 4 the title works well because they never stop.
PS I would be the one with a cream tea. yum, yum.

Hope this helps. Best Keith

[John]

Hi, pjs, and thanks for your input. They are rapacious feeders and stomachs like... Just looked at a photograph of one swallowing a blackbird. But they're only doing what gulls do.

I take your point about a bit more circumstance and setting. I can work on that.

Cheers again.

Throughout the entire poem, I was wondering: who/what is this person/thing bothering you? I like poetry where the very last line jumps out and answers all my questions, sometimes making me feel silly for not realizing before. But maybe you could add some more details regarding what this seagull is doing to bother you to create a better image? And why is it called The Bottomless Pit? I see no relation between the title and the poem itself, unless you want the seagull to drop into a bottomless pit that is.

Ah... never mind my comment on the title. Just reread it again and I like your metaphor of a beggar never satisfied to a bottomless pit.

Hi, Keith, and thanks for your input. I can certainly work on the show/tell angle - there's plenty of material for that in our neck of the woods. In fact I was debating something similar but this time make the subject of my ire the holidaymakers and day trippers that sit there feeding the gulls, despite the notices. Really not the gulls' fault. We feed the damned things.

Oh, and it's cream first in Devon, and only a bit of jam on top when there's no more room for cream!

Thanks for your time in reading this.

Cheers

Hi John
You know in Padstow they fed them contraception to cull the ever increasing population, plenty of food to go round now. The poem for me is a little bit, too much tell and not enough show, with this subject matter you have many options to give the reader a glimpse of what is going on and a few well placed images could really improve the reading experience. I can't stand seagulls and I had the essence of the poem nailed by line 4 the title works well because they never stop.
PS I would be the one with a cream tea. yum, yum.

Hope this helps. Best Keith

I wonder. Would a poem work on this subject giving a seagull's perspective, and a holidaymaker's? Contrasting the two? Just a thought.

[Bunx]

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats. Not sure sure about the spelling of savour (savor?) and harbour (harbor?)
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls.

Really enjoyed this poem, love the imagery the the intro where you introduced "brood". I think most people can relate to this and the ending is perfectly agreeable.
Thanks for the post!

[John]

Hi, Bunx,

As I write, they're wheeling and screaming overhead. Sometimes they sound like little dogs barking.

Anyway, thanks for your kind comments and taking the time to read this.

As for spelling - English English, old bean. Glad you enjoyed it and the colour and flavour of the humour.  

[siyanide]

Haha. I found it very entertaining. Very innovative. I thought it was all gibberish till the last stanza, which explained everything. But may I suggest thinking of a more relevant title? Unless I'm missing something. But great poetry!

[Grace]

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls.

Hey John,

Well they ARE greedy sods.  Throw a chip to one and attract a flock. Yes, bastard bloody sea-gulls. This made me laugh because it's so true.  

Grace (fellow seagull sufferer)  

[billy]

hi john. while i enjoyed the poem, it could be improved a lot with an edit or two.

cut away any waste. i did a small example in the poem. there is more you can lose without any problems.

secondly, add some poetic devices. at present it feels all to literal. things like burgers and buns instead of burgers and cream. alliteration you can also utilise consonance and/or assonance etc. you have rod for your back which is a metaphor though a cliched one, try to use a few more but make them original. a good them but a nit wordy.

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs big cliche
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls. best line of the poem, would also make a good title

[Quixilated]

John,
I've read this over several times, and every time it makes me smile. I've had many a run in with all kinds of greedy animals: seagulls, too fat dogs, too fat cats, an army of crazed squirrels that killed my bird feeder dreams, and I think you captured the idea perfectly.
The only thing I might change would be some of the line breaks. This reads almost conversationally, and when I read it I found myself wishing to not have a pause in one or two places. I'll indicate where, and if you had a reason for the break, then by all means leave it.
Great job on another one!
--Quix

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips *wish "in peace" was on this line*
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream- *I don't know what cream tea is, so maybe I'm missing something, but don't see a reason for tea to be all the way down there.*
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging *this sentence starting at "You ..." would sound easier on its own line.*
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls.

[John]

Hi, billy, and thanks again for the input. I thought hard about rods for backs, and decided it was a permissible idiom. But then some idioms are still clichés, so I'll review it.

As for the title, I thought if I mentioned the birds it may give the game away: I wanted that to be the surprise ending. But as with your other comments, I'll look closely at it. The subject does seem to have struck a chord (how to we stop even speaking in clichés?) with readers.

Cheers again. Much appreciated.  

hi john. while i enjoyed the poem, it could be improved a lot with an edit or two.

cut away any waste. i did a small example in the poem. there is more you can lose without any problems.

secondly, add some poetic devices. at present it feels all to literal. things like burgers and buns instead of burgers and cream. alliteration you can also utilise consonance and/or assonance etc. you have rod for your back which is a metaphor though a cliched one, try to use a few more but make them original. a good them but a nit wordy.

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs big cliche
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls. best line of the poem, would also make a good title

Many thanks again, Quix. I'll review those line breaks. Most of the time I was breaking to try and preserve rhythm where I could, but with billy's suggestions the breaks may well alter anyway. Good point.

If you google cream teas, you'll be salivating! Mention the subject down here and we become like Pavlov's dogs.

Cheers.  

John,
I've read this over several times, and every time it makes me smile.  I've  had many a run in with all kinds of greedy animals: seagulls, too fat dogs, too fat cats, an army of crazed squirrels that killed my bird feeder dreams, and I think you captured the idea perfectly.
The only thing I might change would be some of the line breaks.  This reads almost conversationally, and when I read it I found myself wishing to not have a pause in one or two places.  I'll indicate where, and if you had a reason for the break, then by all means leave it.
Great job on another one!  
--Quix

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips      *wish "in peace" was on this line*
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-  *I don't know what cream tea is, so maybe I'm missing something, but don't see a reason for tea to be all the way down there.*
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging  *this sentence starting at "You ..." would sound easier on its own line.*  
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls.

[ellajam]

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls.

Hi, John, just a note on the title: I like it. All giving to the begging is a bottomless pit, no one can give enough to fill the need. I read the poem thinking it was about chronic human beggars and truly was caught by the last line, I think it works beautifully and I wouldn't recommend a title that gave it away.

Thanks for the read, I'm enjoying it.

[Turtle]

I imagined a man trying to sell something on the street, which gets me thinking about my own stereotypes that I have floating around in my head. I really like how you saved the seagulls for the end. The only part that through me off a bit, and that I'd recommend shifting (unless you're going for a particular effect) is the part where you go to a different line between "cream-" and "tea". I think it would flow a little better if you either moved "cream-" down, or "tea" up to the next line. Although there's power in breaking up words/phrases, sometimes flow is more important.

[John]

Thank you, ella. Glad you enjoyed it.  

Hi, John, just a note on the title: I like it. All giving to the begging  is a bottomless pit, no one can give enough to fill the need. I read the poem thinking it was about chronic human beggars and truly was caught by the last line, I think it works beautifully and I wouldn't recommend a title that gave it away.

Thanks for the read, I'm enjoying it.

Thanks for your input, Turtle. I split the line at that point to try and preserve speech rhythm, coupled with a little ambiguity. But it's all under review.

I imagined a man trying to sell something on the street, which gets me thinking about my own stereotypes that I have floating around in my head. I really like how you saved the seagulls for the end. The only part that through me off a bit, and that I'd recommend shifting (unless you're going for a particular effect) is the part where you go to a different line between "cream-" and "tea". I think it would flow a little better if you either moved "cream-" down, or "tea" up to the next line. Although there's power in breaking up words/phrases, sometimes flow is more important.

Thank you both for your comments.  

[tectak]

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls.

Good john. Good but not beyond reproach. This should be in the Fun forum because it will attract some crits like seagulls to a sandwich. Just say if you want it moving.
Well, now that I'm here let's see if it's tuna or treacle before I start squawking.
The capitalising of each line used to be arguably contentious...now it is criticised more for its retro-pseudo-pretentiousness. Me? I find it confusing and say it is lazy...thankfully it is disappearing but you painstakingly capitalise lines which are not only begun with conjunctions.
But new lines to boot. (See how that line fooled you?) You do not make a case for this construction and though the vernacular style may permit, I still think that you could make it better by making it correct.
Frankly, the "and" word causes problems in poetry for me and everyone else because it is a poor quality linking device. Often you could simply omit the word, as in both occurences in this poem.
That really us about it. A good and current rant beats a bad outdated rant everytime. Well done.
Best,
tectak

[John]

Many thanks for your constructive comments, tectak. I'm assimilating all I can.

If you think this will work in Fun, no problems in you moving it.

Cheers again.  

[tectak]

Many thanks for your constructive comments, tectak. I'm assimilating all I can.

If you think this will work in Fun, no problems in you moving it.

Cheers again.  

Done. Now take care of your bizarre (and) random enjambments.
Best,
tectak