1:43

[JS]

1:43,
it's always 1:43. 

Time has stopped moving,
it's left only you. 
Circling me,
consuming me,
abusing me.

Put your chest against my back,
the way you used to. 
I want to slow our hearts to the same speed.
Only for a minute,
it's all the time I need,
so I can remember the synchronized beating.

Scream in my face,
so I know you feel something.
Shake me if I'm day dreaming,
I may just be numb. 

Love me,
lose me,
hate me,
and remind me again which one of us won.


Looking forward to getting some constructive feedback, especially around punctuation and flow.

[QDeathstar]

I think that this might work better as song lyrics.

I find most of the ideas, imagery, and word choice to be borderline cliche. The last stanza doesn't have much impact because of this. A lot of the poem comes off as a list of words that are different but mean the same thing.

The middle stanza has some substance and I would focus on that going forward. I especially enjoyed the synchronized beating double meaning.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello JennSmith61_


Time has stopped moving,
it's left only you.
Circling me,
consuming me,
abusing me.

Put your chest against my back,
the way you used to. always 1:43, so this has happened before, eh?
I want to slow our hearts to the same speed.
Only for a minute,
it's all the time I need,
so I can remember the synchronized beating.HUH?

Scream in my face,with chest against your back, how can this person scream in yer face?
so I know you feel something.
Shake me if I'm day dreaming,
I may just be numb.

Love me,odd for this to follow "abusing me" from the first stanza
lose me,
hate me,
and remind me again which one of us won.won what?

I can't get my head around what is going on in this piece. The best I can get is that traumatic experience has "stopped time" and that the scene keeps playing over and over again. That said, the ending is very confusing...
... Mark

[Todd]

Hi Jenn, welcome to the site: 

The way I read this poem. Something significant happened at this moment in time, and the speaker is forever locked in this loop. A few comments below:

1:43, --This is one 1:43 too many for me when you use it in the title. I think you can start with the next line.
it's always 1:43. 

Time has stopped moving,
it's left only you. 
Circling me,
consuming me,
abusing me.--These last three lines are what I tend to call shorthand. They don't really convey much other than being descriptive tags. You'd be better served cutting them or replacing them with one or two more specific images.

Put your chest against my back,
the way you used to. 
I want to slow our hearts to the same speed.
Only for a minute,
it's all the time I need,
so I can remember the synchronized beating.--I like this strophe. It presents an intimate picture, a relationship lost. You might think to add more desperation into the "Only for a minute, it's all the time I need" part. This would be a less repetitious inclusion of 1:43. Maybe "Only for a minute/but it's 1:43" something like that.

Scream in my face,
so I know you feel something.
Shake me if I'm day dreaming,
I may just be numb. --Not as evocative as the first part. Try not to also give us what we expect. Mix it up a little. Have a cause give slightly off but believable effect. Show more in the relationship so we care about the people.

Love me,
lose me,
hate me,
and remind me again which one of us won.--Not a bad last line. The two word lead ups are again throw away shorthand. You can do much better than that. They really don't say much. Dig a bit deeper.


Looking forward to getting some constructive feedback, especially around punctuation and flow.

I think this has good bones to it. I look forward to seeing where you take it.

I hope some of this helps.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

1:43,
it's always 1:43. not sure these 2 lines do much as the title suggests the same point....[something happened then]

Time has stopped moving,
it's left only you. 
Circling me, up to here reads pretty ok, the next two lines do emphasise but could be stronger, perhaps if you turn circling me into a simile
consuming me,
abusing me.

Put your chest against my back,
the way you used to. 
I want to slow our hearts to the same speed.
Only for a minute,
it's all the time I need, no need really for [the time] in truth i don't think it adds much to the poem
so I can remember the synchronized beating. a suggest would be beats for beating

Scream in my face, is this person dead? literally as well as figuratively? if so it works, it's as if you're trying to raise a response from them
so I know you feel something.
Shake me if I'm day dreaming, is day needed? it feels a little weak
I may just be numb. 

Love me,
lose me,
hate me, i've seen these lines elsewhere. flesh them out into something with more depth
and remind me again which one of us won. this lets me know its was a traumatic parting.


Looking forward to getting some constructive feedback, especially around punctuation and flow.