Elephants

[kaijoy2]

My room
is full of elephants.
Trumpeting prophets,
whose footprints have been lost
in the gusts of greens and groggy eyes.
Or thrusts of thought pumping jagged sighs through lips left ajar.

My face
is full of fleshy hands,
to hide in when the sand is dropping.
standing water lullabies, my mind’s collecting flies.
Pillow fists and sheets to choke, my skin’s already turning blue.
With wistful tunes from ceiling fans, I’d rather stay in bed alone.

My eyes
are bloody yet again.
With salt at least Its genuine.
But fruits fermented, grass ablaze at least I can escape.
Id love to hide, to run and run, I see myself hitting the ground.
To scrapes and scraps of memory from nerve endings gone limp.

This room
is full of elephants.
I try to cover ear canals.
This silence is uncomfortable and I look down the ledge.
I hate to be a bummer and I never mean to ruin nights,
but if I stand alone tonight,
I’m terrified of what I’ll do.

Trumpeting and trumpeting,
please dont leave me in this place.
Im clumsy and can’t trust my feet,
I’m aiming for the grass.
To hug me as I contemplate,
the dawn is a cacophony,
and Im just getting home again,
to feeling out of place.

[Erthona]

kaijoy2,

The first two lines of each stanza (except the last) start a pattern, unfortunately this does not continue through the rest of the stanza.
There are many images used, I would say metaphors, but they are not connected to anything, thus making the overall ambiguity level quite high.
Nice use of imagination, but what does it mean. A lot of times it seems the writer is dropping in ad hoc descriptions of a surrealistic painting, "gusts of greens and groggy eyes".

I would not wish to see the imagination be curtailed, but to make the thought clearer in the editing process.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[Mark A Becker]

Hello kaijoy-  
Some notes --

My room
is full of elephants.
Trumpeting prophets,
whose footprints have been lost
in the gusts of greens and groggy eyes.[b]weird metaphor, as eyes don't gust, wind does
Or thrusts of thought pumping jagged sighs through lips left ajar.another metaphor gone awry: "sighs"/"thoughts"

Please be careful with the metaphors, as many are mixed and/or confusing.  This lends to abstractions that over-fill the poem. While I applaud the use of imagery, there needs to be more concrete images for this reader to hold onto.

In the end you write "I'm aiming for the grass to hug me" and this reader is most confused, since grass will not hug anybody jumping from any distance. Once again, the metaphor is inaccurate.  

Lastly, the poem would be far more powerful if you shorten it... considerably.

The roomful of elephants is a great starting place.  

... Mark

[Obadiah Grey]

Quite like your piece; it reads as if it is a found poem, "written on the hoof" so to speak.

Think the first two stanzas are the best as it gets a bit rambling and dear diary after that.
Perhaps you could cut out a few references to yourself too.


Obi.

[Jezie]

I always feel odd critiquing anyone... especially if I believe they are more knowledgeable than me. With that said, I liked this poem... well.. in truth because it took me a few reads to fully get it. yet, with so much meaning hidden then to plainly state:
but if I stand alone tonight,
I’m terrified of what I’ll do.
Oddly, these two lines felt weird to me...

[alexbanner]

I really love the following line: "Id love to hide, to run and run, I see myself hitting the ground." It reminds me of myself, the times I've been trying to hide from many responsibilities... I love this poem. I am the Elephant.

[Misanthrope]

I don't feel there was too much ambiguity, after a brief pause to think about it. And I'm sorry that you feel this way if you do... I like the pattern set with the first 3 stanzas, I think you should continue it. Also, the imagery used in the first three falls off in the end as well. I know you have more!!! And, it could just be me, I think having the last stanza, rather than the penultimate, refer to the opening would give it more of a finished feeling. I love the concept though, the 'thing' that everyone sees but nobody wants to mention. And just so everyone knows you're ok, you should leave a comment. =D