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A dentist prowls savannah sand,
he needs to find his plaque;
like bloody gums from shaky hands,
with guns this time, attacks.
A lion falls, his jaw destroyed,
there’s time for one more shot;
a camera’s flash preserves his joy,
the lion’s carcass rots.
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(07-30-2015, 07:40 AM)Wjames Wrote: A dentist prowls savannah sand,
he needs to find his plaque;
like bloody gums from shaky hands,
with guns this time, attacks.
A lion falls, his jaw destroyed,
there’s time for one last shot;
a camera’s flash preserves his joy,
the lion’s carcass rots.
Bravo and bravo and bravo.
I could not have put it better myself... no, really.
Beast,
tectak
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(07-30-2015, 08:12 AM)tectak Wrote: (07-30-2015, 07:40 AM)Wjames Wrote: A dentist prowls savannah sand,
he needs to find his plaque;
like bloody gums from shaky hands,
with guns this time, attacks.
A lion falls, his jaw destroyed,
there’s time for one last shot;
a camera’s flash preserves his joy,
the lion’s carcass rots.
Bravo and bravo and bravo.
I could not have put it better myself... no, really.
Beast,
tectak
Thanks, glad you like it. Unfortunately, as such topical things go, within a month it will be incomprehensible to most people (at least, the dentist bits).
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Love the title as a summation of that story.
One last shot seems axiomatic. There can only be one last shot. What about
there's time for one more shot ?
Cheers
(07-30-2015, 07:40 AM)Wjames Wrote: A dentist prowls savannah sand,
he needs to find his plaque;
like bloody gums from shaky hands,
with guns this time, attacks.
A lion falls, his jaw destroyed,
there’s time for one last shot;
a camera’s flash preserves his joy,
the lion’s carcass rots.
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.
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Quite a topical and sobering analogy, I didn't get the title at first but I guess all that's left is to pick at the remains. very well done, Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Thanks for reading guys, yes one more shot is a little better - I'll make the change.
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Hey man, nice shot and very inspired! I do have a suggestion:
'Savannah sand' is not a common pairing and seems more contrived
to make the rhyme. Perhaps, 'land(s)' would serve you better.
See what you think./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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Or as it's a game reserve, protected lands?
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.
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Joined: Jan 2013
I think right now I prefer "sand", but I'll keep your thoughts in mind. If everyone else agrees savannah sand seems forced, I'll definitely consider changing.
Thanks for your ideas guys.