The Unforgiving Wind

[Brenkin]

The Unforgiving Wind

A stiff and unforgiving wind,
blew through the meadow with a roar.
And swept the earth beneath it’s feet
while tumbling through the greenery.

I stand erect, intent on grit.
To face the unforgiving wind.
It’s force cannot have hold on me,
I will not yield, I will not yield.

The wind however did not cease,
and gradually it weakened me.
Reluctantly, I have to quit.
My body simply must submit.

And get swept by the unforgiving wind.

[John]

Hi, Brenkin,

My first image was of a child with his arms out in defiance of the wind, but then your choice of 'unforgiving' clearly has deeper meaning.

You've maintained assonance through the stanzas - feet, greenery, me, yield, cease - and a regular iambic rhythm (although I'd sharpen the last line as it feels a beat too long.)

Whilst I love the overall imagery of L3 and L4 (S1), your choice of 'tumbling' is more akin to a playful wind (and the kid with his arms out) and doesn't accord with a wind that is 'unforgiving.'

Overall, I admire your choice in using iambic verse and picking up natural speech rhythms and cadences.

These are my initial impressions. Hope they're of some use.

Cheers

[Grace]

The Unforgiving Wind

A stiff and unforgiving wind,
blew through the meadow with a roar.
And swept the earth beneath it’s feet
while tumbling through the greenery.

I stand erect, intent on grit.
To face the unforgiving wind.
It’s force cannot have hold on me,
I will not yield, I will not yield.

The wind however did not cease,
and gradually it weakened me.
Reluctantly, I have to quit.
My body simply must submit.

And get swept by the unforgiving wind.

I think this is really good. I was wondering about the tense changes? Maybe  the present tense is intended to be for the speaker's engagement with the wind and the past tense for describing it. This is just me (take with a pinch of salt), but Id prefer the  whole thing in present tense, or perhaps the narrator's thoughts in italics?  Unforgiving is a brilliant word choice to put with wind.  It gives a personality to a force of nature and  turns it into a metaphor. Thank you for the read of this. Grace

[Quixilated]

Hi Brenkin,

1.) Disclaimer: New to all this and handing out poetry advice willy nilly like a clown with too many baloons. Heed my advice with caution.

2.) Accolade: I love wind and storms, and that's what drew me to this poem in the first place. You did a great job with your description, I felt like I could picture every aspect of what was happening.
"Intent on grit" was my favorite line, it solidified the image of person vs. wind.

3.) Explication: I read this poem two ways. The first and obvious way is that this is a nature poem about a person getting caught in a sort of gale, and his/her struggle to hold their ground. The second way, based on some of your wording, is that this is a metaphor for getting bowled over by a person or situation that is out of your control. "Its force cannot have a hold on me,/ I will not yield" especially, and also the choice of the word "submit" and even the idea that the person does get blown away at the end. It is a very accurate portrayal of an attempt of a weaker person to withstand, in vain, an opposing force, whether it's simply the wind, or an overbearing person, or overwhelming situation.

3.) Changes: Everything about this poem is so forceful and wild that "tumbling" in L4, S1 seems too mild and playful. A stronger, more destructive word is needed here. Then L2, S2, the repetition of "unforgiving wind," would perhaps work better to use this opportunity to describe it more, say it a new way, "Unrelenting Gale" etc. Just to switch it up a bit. But keep the repetition of the line at the end, to tie it together with the beginning.

Finally, as a metaphor it is complete. As a nature poem, you could take it further if you wanted to. I would want to hear and see more destruction possibly, the creaking sound trees make when they are being forced to bend, how does the wind feel on the speaker's skin, clothes, hair? If the person is literally blown away by the wind, then other things would be flying through the air, etc. Just options if you wanted some.

Anyway, hope something in all that mess helps.

--Quix

[Brenkin]

Hi Brenkin,

1.) Disclaimer:  New to all this and handing out poetry advice willy nilly like a clown with too many baloons.  Heed my advice with caution.  

2.) Accolade:  I love wind and storms, and that's what drew me to this poem in the first place.  You did a great job with your description, I felt like I could picture every aspect of what was happening.
"Intent on grit" was my favorite line, it solidified the image of person vs. wind.  

3.) Explication:  I read this poem two ways.  The first and obvious way is that this is a nature poem about a person getting caught in a sort of gale, and his/her struggle to hold their ground.  The second way, based on some of your wording, is that this is a metaphor for getting bowled over by a person or situation that is out of your control.  "Its force cannot have a hold on me,/ I will not yield"  especially, and also the choice of the word "submit" and even the idea that the person does get blown away at the end.  It is a very accurate portrayal of an attempt of a weaker person to withstand, in vain, an opposing force, whether it's simply the wind, or an overbearing person, or overwhelming situation.  

3.) Changes:  Everything about this poem is so forceful and wild that "tumbling" in L4, S1 seems too mild and playful.  A stronger, more destructive word is needed here.    Then L2, S2, the repetition of "unforgiving wind," would perhaps work better to use this opportunity to describe it more, say it a new way, "Unrelenting Gale" etc.  Just to switch it up a bit.  But keep the repetition of the line at the end, to tie it together with the beginning.  

Finally, as a metaphor it is complete.  As a nature poem, you could take it further if you wanted to.  I would want to hear and see more destruction possibly, the creaking sound trees make when they are being forced to bend, how does the wind feel on the speaker's skin, clothes, hair?  If the person is literally blown away by the wind, then other things would be  flying through the air, etc.  Just options if you wanted some.  

Anyway, hope something in all that mess helps.

--Quix

I do agree that tumbling seems a little playful and rather nonchalant. Some replacement words I thought of are: tearing, charging, stomping, and ripping (I don't like this one as much as the others). I think tearing is the best replacement, what do you guys think?

As for the actual content of the poem, I desired to keep it brief and as such, was reserved in my description of the wind and as such, the destruction it causes. As for me calling the "unforgiving wind" something else in S2, I feel like the words wind and grit have a certain flow to them, maybe I'm wrong.

Does anyone else have an opinion on past vs. present tense? Should make it consistently one or the other? Let me know. Everyones feedback is greatly appreciated.

[Quixilated]

Tearing works! Also, tried to make up my mind about the past and present tense quesstion. If you change it, make it all present not all past, would give it a more active feel. Somehow the change between the two that you have now makes the present tense stanza stand out, it seems more vivid somehow. If you want to spotlight it, then keep it as is.

[billy]

a really good effort with the meter brenkin. in parts i think you chose meter over quality.

blew through the meadow with a roar.

could have been something like;

roared through the meadow

for meter

that raced through the meadow; a roar
that swept the earth beneath it’s feet  i changed [and] to [that] for the example

the multiple  use of unforgiving wind weakens it and the title
the poem does work on more the one level, hardship or a fight against the odds being one of them. a suggestion would be to to choose quality over meter than work on the meter if you want one, or now you have the meter work on the content in order to strengthen it.

The Unforgiving Wind

A stiff and unforgiving wind,
blew through the meadow with a roar.
And swept the earth beneath it’s feet
while tumbling through the greenery.

I stand erect, intent on grit. should it be stood it feels like the tense has changed but i could and often am wrong
To face the unforgiving wind. cliche
It’s force cannot have hold on me, [its]
I will not yield, I will not yield.

The wind however did not cease,
and gradually it weakened me.
Reluctantly, I have to quit.
My body simply must submit.

And get swept by the unforgiving wind.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Brenkin-- lemme have a look and see what i can offer...
The Unforgiving Wind
A stiff and unforgiving wind,
blew through the meadow with a roar.
And swept the earth beneath it’s feet its (not it is feet) what feet? the earths?
while tumbling through the greenery."swept"? or "tumbling"?
I stand erect, intent on grit.
To face the unforgiving wind.
It’s force cannot have hold on me,
I will not yield, I will not yield.
The wind however did not cease,
and gradually it weakened me.
Reluctantly, I have to quit.
My body simply must submit.
And get swept by the unforgiving wind.
Not much of a story here I'm afraid. Sort of another way of saying that you're getting blown away.
There is very sparse imagery, and images show the reader what it is you are seeing/felling/etc... More images please. A lot more images...

[Brenkin]

a really good effort with the meter brenkin. in parts i think you chose meter over quality.
blew through the meadow with a roar.
could have been something like;
roared through the meadow
for meter
that raced through the meadow; a roar
that swept the earth beneath it’s feet  i changed [and] to [that] for the example
the multiple  use of unforgiving wind weakens it and the title
the poem does work on more the one level, hardship or a fight against the odds being one of them. a suggestion would be to to choose quality over meter than work on the meter if you want one, or now you have the meter work on the content in order to strengthen it.

The Unforgiving Wind
A stiff and unforgiving wind,
blew through the meadow with a roar.
And swept the earth beneath it’s feet
while tumbling through the greenery.
I stand erect, intent on grit. should it be stood it feels like the tense has changed but i could and often am wrong
To face the unforgiving wind. cliche
It’s force cannot have hold on me, [its]
I will not yield, I will not yield.
The wind however did not cease,
and gradually it weakened me.
Reluctantly, I have to quit.
My body simply must submit.
And get swept by the unforgiving wind.

Hi Brenkin-- lemme have a look and see what i can offer...
The Unforgiving Wind
A stiff and unforgiving wind,
blew through the meadow with a roar.
And swept the earth beneath it’s feet its (not it is feet) what feet? the earths?
while tumbling through the greenery."swept"? or "tumbling"?
I stand erect, intent on grit.
To face the unforgiving wind.
It’s force cannot have hold on me,
I will not yield, I will not yield.
The wind however did not cease,
and gradually it weakened me.
Reluctantly, I have to quit.
My body simply must submit.
And get swept by the unforgiving wind.
Not much of a story here I'm afraid. Sort of another way of saying that you're getting blown away.
There is very sparse imagery, and images show the reader what it is you are seeing/felling/etc... More images please. A lot more images...

How about "my last hurrah, against the wind", instead of "to face the unforgiving wind", I want to stick to meter, as I'm hesitant to venture in to free verse as I don't really know how to write quality free verse.
As for the imagery, I don't want to play it up, as the heart of the poem is metaphorical. More imagery imo isn't needed because it doesn't add to the metaphor, only detracts from it. (I could definitely be wrong, but that's why I added less imagery).

and by it's in that line I meant the wind, not the earth.

[tectak]

The Unforgiving Wind

A stiff and unforgiving wind,
blew through the meadow with a roar.
And swept the earth beneath it’s feet
while tumbling through the greenery.

I stand erect, intent on grit.
To face the unforgiving wind.
It’s force cannot have hold on me,
I will not yield, I will not yield.

The wind however did not cease,
and gradually it weakened me.
Reluctantly, I have to quit.
My body simply must submit.

And get swept by the unforgiving wind.

Some small general points to suit the forum.
L1 needs no comma.
L2 is short on novelty. The wind blew....hmmm...could be improved.Raged through? Semicolon to end the line.
L3 Loose "and" replace with "sweeping the earth beneath..."
L4 loose the dead word "whilst" and replace with "to bluster through the greenery"

Once you anthropomorphise the wind in a stanza, you should continue to build the personality. We have unforgiving (which you blatantly use again and again),we have the vocalisation of roaring, we have the humanistic trait of sweeping (as in brush) so keep it up...tumbling, no...bluster, yes. Your poem so no more of this.
Again, generally, repeating phrases can add drama, but not dramatically so if they are cliches so "I will not yield" twice is something of a tautological misnomer If you do not yield then there is an end to it. To not yield twice is like not dying twice
Finally, you do not rhyme much, so once seems accidental. Rhyme or don't.
Best,
tectak

[peacejazzspirit]

The Unforgiving Wind

A stiff and unforgiving wind,
blew through the meadow with a roar.
And swept the earth beneath it’s feet
while tumbling through the greenery.

I stand erect, intent on grit.
To face the unforgiving wind.
It’s force cannot have hold on me,
I will not yield, I will not yield.

The wind however did not cease,
and gradually it weakened me.
Reluctantly, I have to quit.
My body simply must submit.

And get swept by the unforgiving wind.

I must admit I am not the most advanced poet, so I hope my suggestions are helpful The last line... I feel like it needs something more... maybe "And get swept by" could be replaced with "And succumbed to"? Or, since the prior line is written in present tense, "And succumb to"? I liked the repetition in line 8, "I will not yield, I will not yield"; it shows determination, whether it be towards withstanding a real wind or an event that has a large impact on you. And then of course the grammatical mistake in line 3... but otherwise, very nice!

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again Brenkin--

In your poem you wrote, "that swept the earth beneath it’s feet"

And then commented, "... and by it's in that line I meant the wind, not the earth."

You missed my point, my friend: it's is incorrect grammar-- there should be no apostrophe. It's a common mistake, but it drives me nuts (and trust me, I ain't no English teacher). Sorta like writing, "its you're poem".

[joesammsington]

Hi, I'm new here, so please take my advice with a grain of salt.
I think in some places the diction could be changed up a bit,
for example "A stiff and unforgiving wind", could be changed to a "Callous and unforgiving wind". I just feel callous sounds more... intense.

And instead of "gradually weakened me", it could be "weakened me gradually". I don't know why. It just sounds better, to me, as I read it like so.