Glide Comes Before The Fall (title change, edit #1)

[ellajam]

Glide Comes Before The Fall edit #1 (Cidermaid, Brownlie, Grace, Wjames, John) edit 1.1 (PJS) edit 1.2 (ray)
(and a thank-you to Ray and milo for the NaPM prompt:
Topic 3: Ray would like to see a poem about the Circus, particularly concerning nostalgia, food or a terrible accident.)

So near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp
I climb up to my wooden perch;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each cap confetti on the crowd.

I set my sights across the span;
with spine aligned and shoulders squared
I find my center, set a smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

A boy, whose mother thinks he's sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief sparks his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, its sharp report
a bullet through the fragile spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.




Original
Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

[cidermaid]

Hi ella,  I remeber reading and enjoying this one from the NAPN offerings.
Will offer a few thoughts below.

First off I am not a big fan of the title - doesn't add anything for me or draw me into the story in any relevant way.

Cause and Effect or Coincidence
The view is fine from this close space  not sure about the use of this as opposed to my.  The rest of the poem is based on personal view and perspectives so why not this?  Good opening line makes me want to find out where the write is.
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;  Next three lines were more difficult to get into on the first read.  Once the circus image had been found was obvious.  Like the images and the fact that they are not obvious to start with- made me want to re-read to savour the images.
the bubbleheads are packed below,  Liked the use of bubbleheads...gives the reader a insight into the opinions as well as the perspective.
each hat confetti on the mass.  Not so sold on the confetti hats image  (dates the poem into not of this era and so lessens the onnection to personal connection of here and now)  However do like the sonics and rhyme bounce of hats and mass.
I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.  Nice details.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.  no comments for this stanza.

Each step is sure, while one small boy  Not sure I need the first four # five words.  think they are already implied in stanza above (usual walk makes me think the writer is quite relaxed and casual about this walk)
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.  Like the use of itchy to describe the behaviour of the boy - good image seems perfect.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found commar here perhaps.
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.
The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.  Don't like the use of magic spell - feels forced and cliche  (suggestion sub magic for silent if you want to keep the s's - which I like running through this stanza).
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.  Good clear ending with just the right amount of suggested smugness.  - nice.

All the best AJ.

[ellajam]

Hi ella,  I remeber reading and enjoying this one from the NAPN offerings.
Will offer a few thoughts below.

First off I am not a big fan of the title - doesn't add anything for me or draw me into the story in any relevant way.

Cause and Effect or Coincidence
The view is fine from this close space  not sure about the use of this as opposed to my.  The rest of the poem is based on personal view and perspectives so why not this?  Good opening line makes me want to find out where the write is.
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;  Next three lines were more difficult to get into on the first read.  Once the circus image had been found was obvious.  Like the images and the fact that they are not obvious to start with- made me want to re-read to savour the images.
the bubbleheads are packed below,  Liked the use of bubbleheads...gives the reader a insight into the opinions as well as the perspective.
each hat confetti on the mass.  Not so sold on the confetti hats image  (dates the poem into not of this era and so lessens the onnection to personal connection of here and now)  However do like the sonics and rhyme bounce of hats and mass.
I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.  Nice details.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.  no comments for this stanza.

Each step is sure, while one small boy  Not sure I need the first four # five words.  think they are already implied in stanza above (usual walk makes me think the writer is quite relaxed and casual about this walk)
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.  Like the use of itchy to describe the behaviour of the boy - good image seems perfect.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found commar here perhaps.
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.
The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.  Don't like the use of magic spell - feels forced and cliche  (suggestion sub magic for silent if you want to keep the s's - which I like running through this stanza).
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.  Good clear ending with just the right amount of suggested smugness.  - nice.

All the best AJ.

Thanks so much, AJ, very helpful. Maybe I can find a subtle circus title to ease the confusion of the first few lines. I liked confetti and was unsure about mass, trying to get away without using masses but I didn't realize confetti has gone the way of tickertape. Maybe shredded paper, thanks for the headsup, I'll think on it.

I'll see what I can do with the one small boy line and the magic spell. Your time and comments are much appreciated.

[cidermaid]

Thanks so much, AJ, very helpful. Maybe I can find a subtle circus title to ease the confusion of the first few lines. I liked confetti and was unsure about mass, trying to get away without using masses but I didn't realize confetti has gone the way of tickertape. Maybe shredded paper, thanks for the headsup, I'll think on it.

I'll see what I can do with the one small boy line and the magic spell. Your time and comments are much appreciated.
[/quote]

To clarify meant the hats dated it not the confetti  (which i also quite like)...think hat wearing has passed into olden times images.

[url=//uk.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/][/url]

[ellajam]

Thanks so much, AJ, very helpful. Maybe I can find a subtle circus title to ease the confusion of the first few lines. I liked confetti and was unsure about mass, trying to get away without using masses but I didn't realize confetti has gone the way of tickertape. Maybe shredded paper, thanks for the headsup, I'll think on it.

I'll see what I can do with the one small boy line and the magic spell. Your time and comments are much appreciated.

To clarify meant the hats dated it not the confetti  (which i also quite like)...think hat wearing has passed into olden times images.

[url=//uk.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/][/url]

Ah, got ya, peeps still wear a lot of hats here, baseball and stocking types, maybe caps would work better, caps confetti. Regardless, I'll think on it, thanks.

[Brownlie]

The tightrope walking is a good topic, especially considering the people who do it between sky scrapers these days.

Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space -- I think "from this close space" may be hindering the poem.  Maybe include some clear language to introduce the tightrope walking.
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass. -- I thought hat confetti was confetti in the shape of hats.

I set my sights across the span, -- I'm not sure about span, unless it is tight walking lingo.
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

Left some comments. Good Luck.

[ellajam]

The tightrope walking is a good topic, especially considering the people who do it between sky scrapers these days.

Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space -- I think "from this close space" may be hindering the poem.  Maybe include some clear language to introduce the tightrope walking.
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass. -- I thought hat confetti was confetti in the shape of hats.

I set my sights across the span, -- I'm not sure about span, unless it is tight walking lingo.
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

Left some comments. Good Luck.

Thanks Brownlie. Maybe Their caps confetti from this height. I think about it, and those other blurry words you pointed out. Thanks for your comments, I'll keep them in mind to edit.

[Grace]

Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

Hi Ellajam, just a thought but wondered if the poem could begin with "So near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp"
to set the scene.  I like the confetti of hats. An alternative line suggestion is  "their hats/caps confettied on the mass"(?)  Stanza 2 is brill. In stanza 3, "whose mother thinks he is so sweet", the stress on is bothered me, but that's probably just me! Loved the end line: "I spread my wings but catch no air".  I enjoyed this. Thanks, Grace.

[ellajam]

Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

Hi Ellajam, just a thought but wondered if the poem could begin with "So near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp"
to set the scene.  I like the confetti of hats. An alternative line suggestion is  "their hats/caps confettied on the mass"(?)  Stanza 2 is brill. In stanza 3, "whose mother thinks he is so sweet", the stress on is bothered me, but that's probably just me! Loved the end line: "I spread my wings but catch no air".  I enjoyed this. Thanks, Grace.

Thanks so much, Grace, I like your idea of starting with L2. I believe you are correct about that "is". I'll keep your useful crit on mind, much appreciated.

[Wjames]

Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass. I like the close/tight combo, and the overall image.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk You could change one or two of these "my's". ("I find the center", "the usual walk", "with shoulders squared" etc)
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy I would move the "while" to the beginning of this sentence. Just personal preference. You wouldn't need the comma after the next line then as well if you were to do that.
whose mother thinks he is so sweet, You could cut "he".
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp, I would cut "it carries sharp".
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air. Nice closing.

Just giving you my lens on it, I think it's a good poem as is. I agree with others, the title could use some work.

[ellajam]

Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass. I like the close/tight combo, and the overall image.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk You could change one or two of these "my's". ("I find the center", "the usual walk", "with shoulders squared" etc)
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy I would move the "while" to the beginning of this sentence. Just personal preference. You wouldn't need the comma after the next line then as well if you were to do that.
whose mother thinks he is so sweet, You could cut "he".
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp, I would cut "it carries sharp".
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air. Nice closing.

Just giving you my lens on it, I think it's a good poem as is. I agree with others, the title could use some work.

Hey, W, thanks so much for your notes, they are a great help. I was close to lopping off the first line but you've made me think maybe I'll just rework it. Good point on all those mys.

I've tried to keep to a steady meter so those cuts would need to be swaps, same problem with moving the while. I'll try to clean it up. Thanks for the thumbs down on the title, each comment makes me think about it again. Maybe Glide Comes Before The Fall.

[John]

Hi, ella,

I haven't anything to add or detract from what's already been said, except to reference this little bit:

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.

You're describing the pop and linking it to a bullet. Could the italicised part read better as the sharp report (and dumping the comma?)

The pop rings out, the sharp report
a bullet through the magic spell.

Overall an enjoyable piece and easily understood.

Cheers

[ellajam]

Hi, ella,

I haven't anything to add or detract from what's already been said, except to reference this little bit:

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.

You're describing the pop and linking it to a bullet. Could the italicised part read better as the sharp report (and dumping the comma?)

The pop rings out, the sharp report
a bullet through the magic spell.

Overall an enjoyable piece and easily understood.

Cheers

Wow, thanks, John, I was wondering what I was going to do with WJames' comment. Report is a word I wouldn't have come up with myself, I don't have much to do with guns but that's an interesting choice for that line. Thanks so much.

[ellajam]

Edit posted. I have stolen a bit from each of you, humbly grateful. I'm not sure about losing "close space" or about the title (I considered Snap, Crackle, Plop ).

As always, all crit welcomed and cherished.

[peacejazzspirit]

Hi Ella, although I didn't critique the original I like the changes you've made. Mishap of a perfectionist... I enjoy accounts of little flubs like these.

Glide Comes Before The Fall edit #1 (Cidermaid, Brownlie, Grace, Wjames, John)


So near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp
I climb onto my wooden perch;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each cap confetti on the crowd.

I set my sights across the span
with spine aligned and shoulders squared. I like the assonance in this line.
I find my center, set a smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.
A suggestion for this stanza: a semicolon at the end of the first line, then replace the period of the second kine with a comma. The way you have it works for me, but just thought I'd throw that out there.

A boy(,) whose mother thinks he's sweet(,)
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief sparks his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack Begin this line with 'and'.
to prick his souvenir balloon. To puncture his souvenir balloon, maybe?

The pop rings out, its sharp report
a bullet through the fragile spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step, Aaah, the suspense is killing me, will you fall or stay aloft??!!
I spread my wings but catch no air. I love the way you ended it.




Original
Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

[ellajam]

Hi Ella, although I didn't critique the original I like the changes you've made. Mishap of a perfectionist... I enjoy accounts of little flubs like these.

Glide Comes Before The Fall edit #1 (Cidermaid, Brownlie, Grace, Wjames, John)


So near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp
I climb onto my wooden perch;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each cap confetti on the crowd.

I set my sights across the span
with spine aligned and shoulders squared. I like the assonance in this line.
I find my center, set a smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.
A suggestion for this stanza: a semicolon at the end of the first line, then replace the period of the second kine with a comma. The way you have it works for me, but just thought I'd throw that out there.

A boy(,) whose mother thinks he's sweet(,)
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief sparks his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack Begin this line with 'and'.
to prick his souvenir balloon. To puncture his souvenir balloon, maybe?

The pop rings out, its sharp report
a bullet through the fragile spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step, Aaah, the suspense is killing me, will you fall or stay aloft??!!
I spread my wings but catch no air. I love the way you ended it.




Original
Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

Thanks so much, peace, for reading and your excellent punctuation suggestions. I'm going to think first but I'm pretty sure I'll edit them in. Much appreciated.

[peacejazzspirit]

You're welcome. I just caught a mistake I made, here, I meant to put "begin this line with and" in a different spot...

Hi Ella, although I didn't critique the original I like the changes you've made. Mishap of a perfectionist... I enjoy accounts of little flubs like these.

Glide Comes Before The Fall edit #1 (Cidermaid, Brownlie, Grace, Wjames, John)


So near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp
I climb onto my wooden perch;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each cap confetti on the crowd.

I set my sights across the span
with spine aligned and shoulders squared. I like the assonance in this line.
I find my center, set a smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.
A suggestion for this stanza: a semicolon at the end of the first line, then replace the period of the second kine with a comma. The way you have it works for me, but just thought I'd throw that out there.

A boy(,) whose mother thinks he's sweet(,)
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief sparks his eye,
he burrows round until he's found Begin this line with and.
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon. To puncture his souvenir balloon, maybe?

The pop rings out, its sharp report
a bullet through the fragile spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step, Aaah, the suspense is killing me, will you fall or stay aloft??!!
I spread my wings but catch no air. I love the way you ended it.




Original
Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

Thanks so much, peace, for reading and your excellent punctuation suggestions. I'm going to think first but I'm pretty sure I'll edit them in. Much appreciated.

[Grace]

Edit posted. I have stolen a bit from each of you, humbly grateful. I'm not sure about losing "close space" or about the title (I considered Snap, Crackle, Plop   ).

As always, all crit welcomed and cherished.

Snap, crackle, plop   .  The title Glide Comes Before The Fall is good, I think.  The edit reads beautifully.  The only slight stumble when reading aloud, was in the second line, where, unless I pause after climb, the stress falls on the to of onto:  I climb onto my wooden perch. But it's probably just me, so maybe ignore?  Anyway, I love this poem. Grace.

[ellajam]

Edit posted. I have stolen a bit from each of you, humbly grateful. I'm not sure about losing "close space" or about the title (I considered Snap, Crackle, Plop   ).

As always, all crit welcomed and cherished.

Snap, crackle, plop   .  The title Glide Comes Before The Fall is good, I think.  The edit reads beautifully.  The only slight stumble when reading aloud, was in the second line, where, unless I pause after climb, the stress falls on the to of onto:  I climb onto my wooden perch. But it's probably just me, so maybe ignore?  Anyway, I love this poem. Grace.

Thanks so much for reading, Grace. I'm hearing I climb onto my wooden perch. I often place a stumbling block that I can't hear, we'll wait and see if anyone else chimes in. Thinking now, it should be onto, I've forced it to my liking. Thanks, Grace, I'll think on a fix.

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Glide Comes Before The Fall edit #1 (Cidermaid, Brownlie, Grace, Wjames, John) edit 1.1 (PJS)
(and a thank-you to Ray and milo for the NaPM prompt:
Topic 3: Ray would like to see a poem about the Circus, particularly concerning nostalgia, food or a terrible accident.)

So near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp < it took me a while to get that this was the circus tent. I might suggest changing tarp to something else...just doesn't quite get the image done for me.
I climb onto my wooden perch;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each cap confetti on the crowd.

I set my sights across the span;
with spine aligned and shoulders squared
I find my center, set a smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

A boy, whose mother thinks he's sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief sparks his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, its sharp report
a bullet through the fragile spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.




Original
Cause and Effect or Coincidence

The view is fine from this close space
so near the tight-pulled patchwork tarp;
the bubbleheads are packed below,
each hat confetti on the mass.

I set my sights across the span,
align my spine, my shoulders squared.
I find my center, set my smile
and take off on my usual walk
with pole in hand, the wire taut.

Each step is sure, while one small boy
whose mother thinks he is so sweet,
gets itchy from the silent awe.
A glow of mischief in his eye,
he burrows round until he's found
the sharpened pencil in his pack
to prick his souvenir balloon.

The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
A pause, a slide, a wobbled step,
I spread my wings but catch no air.

Ok honestly I really love this. The meter gets a bit too repetitive for me after awhile, but I also like it so I don't know what to do. Give it some thought. Your first edit is a major improvement and the only image that really bothers me is the tarp. The only other thing I can think of is to give the scene a little more color,maybe in the balloon, to make it more creepily cheery, or if you are going for just plain creepy more details like the patchwork in the roof.