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[pdvarona]

Hey guys so this is my first poem on this forum, decided to post in mild because I wanted a bit more critique than just novice!

Day one
Fluttering glances
And barely there brushes.
Caught eyes
that shy away
Like you said I do from the camera.
Sun kissed cheeks in the middle of winter.
A meeting. A warm feeling.
An introduction.

Day two
Long winding roads
led to even more drawn out conversations.
With my words that you said
strung together perfectly
to sing your name like a melody.
Venturing towards the truth.
Heart beats
racing yet afloat.
Like the thoughts on our minds
Like the kisses on our lips.

Day three
Desperate clutches at bare skin
Lips bit with the confessions
I couldn't say.
But you said there was no need
you knew what I was thinking
And you loved me first anyway.
Heart sunk to thighs and toes
I was submerged in a world of you.

Day four
Our screams could be heard
down the block.
Lips no longer soft
rather stinging like the
blades in your fingertips.
Pink Floyd on the stereo
the song we deemed our own.
You threw it across the living room
crashing like the terror in my eyes.
The ones you said
you refused to look at
after what I did.
What was done,
I’ve still yet to know.

Day five
The apologetic pleas
you said
forgive me
and my chest melted right to my knees.
Love is reckless
even if it means
bloody hands.
You’re my double edged sword
that I’d gladly take a stab from.
We’ll kiss away our sins,
both red handed.
But I’ll still flinch
every time you speak too loud.

Day 6
Car in the driveway
5 minutes too late you said
dinner was ready
an hour ago
How could I be so careless?
and just like that,
the biggest blow.
One I’d somehow expected.
Open handed red slap
seared into the left side of my face.
A shock wave,
after the nuclear attack.
Hit after hit
it stung me
over and over
A single slap.

Day 7
If you didn’t make me angry
you said
I wouldn’t do this.
You face a bruised girl
a constellation of tough love
on her back
her thighs
the very ones you once craved.
Now the canvas for your twisted artwork.
A numbing feeling
where a heart once ran free.
A single question,
why do you do this to me?

Day 8
Hospital bed,
you said
I fell down a staircase
when the nurses ask what happened.
The breath caught in my throat
when they interrogate my eyes
for affirmation.
A stern glare
burns into my chest
like your hands once did.
A simple nod. A confirmation.
And all is well.

Day 9
I fucking love you
you said
but no one else can have you
As you finger the trigger
a shaky hand.
On my knees,
secretly pleading
you’ll do it.
Because it hurts too much to despise
the one you adore.
The same person who once called you his girl
who made you scream with delight
who looked at you
like you held the secrets of the universe.
But this isn’t beautiful
and this isn’t a Hollywood
toxic love.
It’s hate,
that’s all there is in your dead eyes.
So I beg you,
Pull the trigger.
Kill me,
Please.
But you never did do it.
Not when I asked nicely.

Day 10
I find you at the window
like a lost boy looking for home.
You did this to me
you said
right before you fall
into a pool of your own blood on the floor.
Fingers intertwined
one last time.
Now tainted with your fresh wound,
and the tears fall
like daggers on my skin
not because I love you.
But because I once did.
You once made my years
flash by like days
But now I’m no better than you.
You broke more than bones
and cut more than flesh.
You tore me open
with your favorite weapon.
You said
You’d love me until the day you died,
once whispered between bedroom sheets.
So I have a single question,
tell me was it true?
Do you still love me?

[Brownlie]

I'll give you my opinion, which is basically a shot in the dark.

Hey guys so this is my first poem on this forum, decided to post in mild because I wanted a bit more critique than just novice!

Day one
Fluttering glances
And barely there brushes. -- The only way a phrase like this could work is if you go "meta" (I quote the word due to a tentativeness against it). In other words, a phrase like this may work if you are mocking a cloying type of romantic (romantic in the contemporary sense) idiom. Then again, I'm talking out of my butt here. 
Caught eyes
that shy away
Like you said I do from the camera. -- This bit about shying away from the camera seems, to me, to be the most individuating piece of detail in this stanza. 
Sun kissed cheeks in the middle of winter. 
A meeting. A warm feeling.
An introduction. -- I give you points for clarity, but I think you could retain the clarity and phrase this in a way that offers more potential meaning to a reader.

Day two -- Em dash or colon after the day numbers?  Doesn't really matter though.
Long winding roads
led to even more drawn out conversations.
With my words that you said
strung together perfectly
to sing your name like a melody.
Venturing towards the truth.
Heart beats
racing yet afloat.
Like the thoughts on our minds
Like the kisses on our lips.  -- Maybe you could string together Vignettes that "show and not tell." That might change your whole poem though. The problem I have is that this type of young love idiom is not standing out to me. 

Day three
Desperate clutches at bare skin
Lips bit with the confessions
I couldn't say.
But you said there was no need
you knew what I was thinking
And you loved me first anyway.
Heart sunk to thighs and toes
I was submerged in a world of you. -- If this is sex, it could include more details. I'm not suggesting something pornographic, but the sensuality of the body or an idiosyncratic love experience may add to the poem. I believe the ambiguity of what sort of works but what doesn't and the whole instability of human impulse and what not is what "is" working here. 

Day four
Our screams could be heard
down the block.
Lips no longer soft
rather stinging like the
blades in your fingertips.
Pink Floyd on the stereo -- Best part of the poem for me. I can picture , somewhat, a full scene of people fighting with the music on.
the song we deemed our own.
You threw it across the living room
crashing like the terror in my eyes.
The ones you said
you refused to look at
after what I did.
What was done,
I’ve still yet to know.

Day five
The apologetic pleas
you said
forgive me
and my chest melted right to my knees.
Love is reckless
even if it means
bloody hands.
You’re my double edged sword -- Bloody hands is not bad in my opinion, but I don't like double edged sword.
that I’d gladly take a stab from.
We’ll kiss away our sins,
both red handed.
But I’ll still flinch
every time you speak too loud.

Day 6
Car in the driveway
5 minutes too late you said
dinner was ready
an hour ago
How could I be so careless?
and just like that,
the biggest blow.
One I’d somehow expected.
Open handed red slap
seared into the left side of my face.
A shock wave,
after the nuclear attack.
Hit after hit
it stung me
over and over
A single slap.

Day 7
If you didn’t make me angry
you said
I wouldn’t do this.
You face a bruised girl
a constellation of tough love -- The tough love line was a good, or horrific, twist on that phrase.
on her back
her thighs
the very ones you once craved.
Now the canvas for your twisted artwork.
A numbing feeling
where a heart once ran free.
A single question,
why do you do this to me?

Day 8
Hospital bed,
you said
I fell down a staircase
when the nurses ask what happened.
The breath caught in my throat
when they interrogate my eyes
for affirmation.
A stern glare
burns into my chest
like your hands once did.
A simple nod. A confirmation.
And all is well.

Day 9
I fucking love you
you said
but no one else can have you
As you finger the trigger
a shaky hand.
On my knees,
secretly pleading
you’ll do it.
Because it hurts too much to despise
the one you adore.
The same person who once called you his girl
who made you scream with delight
who looked at you
like you held the secrets of the universe.
But this isn’t beautiful
and this isn’t a Hollywood
toxic love.
It’s hate,
that’s all there is in your dead eyes.
So I beg you,
Pull the trigger.
Kill me,
Please.
But you never did do it.
Not when I asked nicely.

Day 10
I find you at the window
like a lost boy looking for home.
You did this to me
you said
right before you fall
into a pool of your own blood on the floor.
Fingers intertwined
one last time.
Now tainted with your fresh wound,
and the tears fall
like daggers on my skin
not because I love you.
But because I once did.
You once made my years
flash by like days
But now I’m no better than you.
You broke more than bones
and cut more than flesh.
You tore me open
with your favorite weapon.
You said
You’d love me until the day you died,
once whispered between bedroom sheets.
So I have a single question,
tell me was it true?
Do you still love me?

I would maybe use a regular line length and focus on tangibly conveying the story in a poetic meter.  Good luck.

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Hey guys so this is my first poem on this forum, decided to post in mild because I wanted a bit more critique than just novice!

Day one
Fluttering glances
And barely there brushes.
Caught eyes
that shy away
Like you said I do from the camera.
Sun kissed cheeks in the middle of winter.
A meeting. A warm feeling.
An introduction.

Day two
Long winding roads
led to even more drawn out conversations.
With my words that you said
strung together perfectly
to sing your name like a melody.
Venturing towards the truth.
Heart beats
racing yet afloat.
Like the thoughts on our minds
Like the kisses on our lips.

Day three
Desperate clutches at bare skin
Lips bit with the confessions
I couldn't say.
But you said there was no need
you knew what I was thinking
And you loved me first anyway.
Heart sunk to thighs and toes
I was submerged in a world of you.

Day four
Our screams could be heard
down the block.
Lips no longer soft
rather stinging like the
blades in your fingertips.
Pink Floyd on the stereo
the song we deemed our own.
You threw it across the living room
crashing like the terror in my eyes.
The ones you said
you refused to look at
after what I did.
What was done,
I’ve still yet to know.

Day five
The apologetic pleas
you said
forgive me
and my chest melted right to my knees.
Love is reckless
even if it means
bloody hands.
You’re my double edged sword
that I’d gladly take a stab from.
We’ll kiss away our sins,
both red handed.
But I’ll still flinch
every time you speak too loud.

Day 6
Car in the driveway
5 minutes too late you said
dinner was ready
an hour ago
How could I be so careless?
and just like that,
the biggest blow.
One I’d somehow expected.
Open handed red slap
seared into the left side of my face.
A shock wave,
after the nuclear attack.
Hit after hit
it stung me
over and over
A single slap.

Day 7
If you didn’t make me angry
you said
I wouldn’t do this.
You face a bruised girl
a constellation of tough love
on her back
her thighs
the very ones you once craved.
Now the canvas for your twisted artwork.
A numbing feeling
where a heart once ran free.
A single question,
why do you do this to me?

Day 8
Hospital bed,
you said
I fell down a staircase
when the nurses ask what happened.
The breath caught in my throat
when they interrogate my eyes
for affirmation.
A stern glare
burns into my chest
like your hands once did.
A simple nod. A confirmation.
And all is well.

Day 9
I fucking love you
you said
but no one else can have you
As you finger the trigger
a shaky hand.
On my knees,
secretly pleading
you’ll do it.
Because it hurts too much to despise
the one you adore.
The same person who once called you his girl
who made you scream with delight
who looked at you
like you held the secrets of the universe.
But this isn’t beautiful
and this isn’t a Hollywood
toxic love.
It’s hate,
that’s all there is in your dead eyes.
So I beg you,
Pull the trigger.
Kill me,
Please.
But you never did do it.
Not when I asked nicely.

Day 10
I find you at the window
like a lost boy looking for home.
You did this to me
you said
right before you fall
into a pool of your own blood on the floor.
Fingers intertwined
one last time.
Now tainted with your fresh wound,
and the tears fall
like daggers on my skin
not because I love you.
But because I once did.
You once made my years
flash by like days
But now I’m no better than you.
You broke more than bones
and cut more than flesh.
You tore me open
with your favorite weapon.
You said
You’d love me until the day you died,
once whispered between bedroom sheets.
So I have a single question,
tell me was it true?
Do you still love me?

I dont have any specific suggestions regarding specific wording, as i just did a read through, but I do think that syntax could be fixed in a few places. Try reading it aloud.
I really didnt like the days at the beginning of each stanza before i got to the lines "You once made my years/ flash by like days" That is really the only thing that ties it together. I think the image is enough on its own without the numbering at all. I suggest taking it out, although in thought it is a really good idea.
I like parts, the parts that really go against cliche. Stanza 8 bothers me because of the cliche out. I would consider cutting it.

Overall, I enjoyed the read, and thanks for posting!

[xyroph]

Hey guys so this is my first poem on this forum, decided to post in mild because I wanted a bit more critique than just novice!

Day one
Fluttering glances
And barely there brushes.
Caught eyes
that shy away
Like you said I do from the camera.
Sun kissed cheeks in the middle of winter. 
A meeting. A warm feeling.
An introduction.

Mm, this starts out so pleasant and sweet. I especially like the "sun kissed cheeks in the middle of winter"

Day two
Long winding roads
led to even more drawn out conversations. -Nice connection between the lines
With my words that you said
strung together perfectly
to sing your name like a melody.
Venturing towards the truth.
Heart beats
racing yet afloat.
Like the thoughts on our minds
Like the kisses on our lips.



Day three
Desperate clutches at bare skin
Lips bit with the confessions
I couldn't say.
But you said there was no need
you knew what I was thinking
And you loved me first anyway.
Heart sunk to thighs and toes
I was submerged in a world of you.

Day four
Our screams could be heard
down the block.
Lips no longer soft
rather stinging like the
blades in your fingertips.
Pink Floyd on the stereo
the song we deemed our own.
You threw it across the living room
crashing like the terror in my eyes.
The ones you said
you refused to look at
after what I did.
What was done,
I’ve still yet to know.

Day five
The apologetic pleas
you said
forgive me  -Quotation marks would help with the clarity of the statements
and my chest melted right to my knees. -Oof, beautiful vision here
Love is reckless
even if it means
bloody hands.            -Bloody hands seem like a direct result of recklessness, not sure if the "even if" is appropriate
You’re my double edged sword
that I’d gladly take a stab from.
We’ll kiss away our sins,
both red handed.
But I’ll still flinch
every time you speak too loud.

I really enjoy your cadence and the placement of line breaks.

Day 6
Car in the driveway
5 minutes too late you said
dinner was ready
an hour ago
How could I be so careless?  -not quite clear what's happened here, was he five minutes late from work, coming home to an hour-old dinner?
and just like that,
the biggest blow.
One I’d somehow expected.
Open handed red slap
seared into the left side of my face.
A shock wave,
after the nuclear attack.
Hit after hit
it stung me
over and over
A single slap.

Day 7
If you didn’t make me angry
you said
I wouldn’t do this.   -Quotation marks would really help here
You face a bruised girl
a constellation of tough love
on her back
her thighs
the very ones you once craved.  -heartbreaking, haunting. Beautiful work here.
Now the canvas for your twisted artwork.
A numbing feeling
where a heart once ran free.
A single question,
why do you do this to me?

Day 8
Hospital bed,
you said
I fell down a staircase
when the nurses ask what happened.
The breath caught in my throat
when they interrogate my eyes
for affirmation.
A stern glare
burns into my chest
like your hands once did.
A simple nod. A confirmation.
And all is well.

Day 9
I fucking love you
you said
but no one else can have you
As you finger the trigger
a shaky hand.
On my knees,
secretly pleading
you’ll do it.                    
Because it hurts too much to despise
the one you adore.
The same person who once called you his girl
who made you scream with delight
who looked at you
like you held the secrets of the universe.
But this isn’t beautiful
and this isn’t a Hollywood
toxic love.
It’s hate,
that’s all there is in your dead eyes.
So I beg you,
Pull the trigger.
Kill me,
Please.
But you never did do it.
Not when I asked nicely.

Day 10
I find you at the window
like a lost boy looking for home.
You did this to me
you said
right before you fall
into a pool of your own blood on the floor. -I think the "own" is a smidge redundant here
Fingers intertwined
one last time.                           
Now tainted with your fresh wound,
and the tears fall
like daggers on my skin
not because I love you.
But because I once did.
You once made my years
flash by like days
But now I’m no better than you.
You broke more than bones
and cut more than flesh.
You tore me open
with your favorite weapon.
You said
You’d love me until the day you died,
once whispered between bedroom sheets.
So I have a single question,
tell me was it true?
Do you still love me?

Fantastic work here. I think adding in some last bittersweet remembrance (like the "fingers intertwined one last time" line) would make the fallout/conclusion hit even harder. The last line is striking, but seems confused considering it's been proven in earlier stanzas that his version of "love" was twisted. I think the concluding question was answered earlier in the poem. 

I'm sorry for the pain you've been through. What you've created with it is beautiful.

[DeakinDeakin]

Thanks for sharing this.  I have made some comments and suggestions below.  

It is certainly thoughts provoking.  I think some additional grammar would help increase clarity.  Best wishes, Deakin

Hey guys so this is my first poem on this forum, decided to post in mild because I wanted a bit more critique than just novice!

Day one
Fluttering glances
And barely there brushes.  
Caught eyes
that shy away.  
Like you said I do from the camera.   This seems clunky
Sun kissed cheeks in the middle of winter.
A meeting. A warm feeling.
An introduction.  These last two lines work well in setting the expectation of what might come

Day two
Long winding roads
led to even more drawn out conversations.  I don't agree that there were any drawn out conversations in S1 that justify 'even more'
With my words that you said
strung together perfectly
to sing your name like a melody.
Venturing towards the truth.  This is a good line
Heart beats
racing yet afloat.
Like the thoughts on our minds full stop or comma I would suggest
Like the kisses on our lips.

Day three
Desperate clutches at bare skin
Lips bit with the confessions
I couldn't say.
But you said there was no need
you knew what I was thinking
And you loved me first anyway.  Some punctuation is required in these three lines (5 to 7)
Heart sunk to thighs and toes,
I was submerged in a world of you.

Day four
Our screams could be heard
down the block.
Lips no longer soft,
rather stinging like the
blades in your fingertips.
Pink Floyd on the stereo
the song we deemed our own. This is a strong line good
You threw it across the living room
crashing like the terror in my eyes.
The ones you said
you refused to look at
after what I did. Builds intrigue 
What was done,
I’ve still yet to know.

Day five
The apologetic pleas
you said,  You seemed to have changed narrator here which is confusing.  
"forgive me." 
and my chest melted right to my knees.
Love is reckless
even if it means
bloody hands.  OK a punch up, excellent.  We like drama 
You’re my double edged sword
that I’d gladly take a stab from.
We’ll kiss away our sins,
both red handed.
But I’ll still flinch
every time you speak too loud.

Day 6
Car in the driveway
5 minutes too late you said
dinner was ready  I am not sure this sits well in Day 6.  Have we really progressed from violent sex in Day 5, to some sort of 'your dinner is in the dog' scenario just a day later?  Perhaps there could be another catalyst for an argument?
an hour ago
How could I be so careless?
and just like that,
the biggest blow.
One I’d somehow expected.
Open handed red slap
seared into the left side of my face.  Seared is a good word
A shock wave,
after the nuclear attack.   Nuclear attack doesn't reconcile very well with a red slap
Hit after hit
it stung me
over and over
A single slap. I thought there were lots of slaps?  Punctuation seems lacking towards the end of this verse

Day 7
If you didn’t make me angry
you said
I wouldn’t do this.  This well captures the retort of a wife/husband beater
You face a bruised girl
a constellation of tough love
on her back
her thighs
the very ones you once craved.
Now the canvas for your twisted artwork.
A numbing feeling
where a heart once ran free.
A single question:
why do you do this to me?

Day 8
Hospital bed.
You said:
I fell down a staircase,
when the nurses ask what happened.
The breath caught in my throat
when they interrogate my eyes
for affirmation.
A stern glare
burns into my chest
like your hands once did.
A simple nod. A confirmation.
And all is well.

Day 9
I fucking love you  This needs at least a comma.
you said  
but no one else can have you
As you finger the trigger
a shaky hand.
On my knees,
secretly pleading
you’ll do it.
Because it hurts too much to despise
the one you adore.   
The same person who once called you his girl
who made you scream with delight
who looked at you
like you held the secrets of the universe.
But this isn’t beautiful
and this isn’t a Hollywood
toxic love.  
It’s hate,
that’s all there is in your dead eyes.
So I beg you,
Pull the trigger.
Kill me,
Please.
But you never did do it.
Not when I asked nicely.

Day 10
I find you at the window
like a lost boy looking for home.
You did this to me
you said
right before you fall
into a pool of your own blood on the floor.   This needs punctuation I feel
Fingers intertwined
one last time.
Now tainted with your fresh wound,
and the tears fall
like daggers on my skin  
not because I love you.
But because I once did. I personally feel that the poem ends more powerfully here and that the rest adds little


You once made my years
flash by like days.  I am instinctively annoyed that you are now throwing about years after taking us through an extended ten day scenario.  Maybe I am missing something and there is an undertone of 'time flies when you are having fun,' however I took the ten day thing literally (rightly or wrongly)
But now I’m no better than you.
You broke more than bones
and cut more than flesh.  To be fair this is a good line
You tore me open
with your favorite weapon.
You said
You’d love me until the day you died,
once whispered between bedroom sheets.
So I have a single question,
tell me was it true?
Do you still love me?  No.  I do not believe that the narrator is clutching at love at this juncture.  They would be more likely to be relieved/annoyed with him or herself for poor judgement, or secretly pleased that they had a wild time.  

In general I found this thought provoking.  It could probably be edited to be somewhat shorter and I think that the conclusion could be more powerful, however I read this several times and it made me think, which is always a good thing.

Best regards, Deakin