Two years in Limerick

[Keith]

Edit 1 thanks to AJ and Brownlie

There's music to be found and drunk
with a well placed ear on cobbled streets,
any man or musician could drown
in Guinness, if the mood is dark
and the kings Island has his shilling.

It's too dark to see the swans
and the one too many drinkers
three stone bridges chew the tide
until Atlantic skies turn light,
then the river falls majestic.

Gypsy royals still roam the roads
gunslingers without saddles,
strong horsed at the traffic lights,
flicks a tail at the car along side.
green goes true grit,
racing for slips.

The buildings old enough to look,
glimpse an echo of a once proud past
their faces weathered on worn down steps,
see a place reflected in their eyes.
Plush black coach-work and single rigs,
trundle through the horse drawn streets,
running milk and whiskey in the mud.
The two bangs of a man hole cover,
gunshots stop the martial law,
blink and the cars return.

There are babies in prams
mothers with false tans
being fed free wifi burgers,
I start a note on a white serviette  
but the grease coats the ball
at the point of my pen.
A man from Manchester
who plays the pubs
said you can dance if you want to,
so I bought an Ashton in an Aldi car park.
Designed down under, Made in Korea,
it thunders when I bang the strings.

The McManager is asking the wifi's
to leave and they do, running on battery
to the next free zone.
I dip the last of my chips
into a tub of curry sauce,
feeling old enough to mind my business,
feeling sad the present cheapens the past,
It won't lasts.






Original

There are babies with false tans
being fed free wifi burgers,
I feel old enough to look
but not for too long.

He rode into town,
a gunslinger without a saddle,
pulls up at the traffic lights,
gives the eye to the car along side.

The lights change, true grit
racing for slips.
The buildings old enough to look
can't resist,
a proud past reflects in their eyes
but not for too long.

I start a note on a white serviette  
but the grease from the cheese
puts a stop to the horse
and I noticed the baby has an earring.

A man from Manchester who plays the pubs
said don't give Ryanair a guitar,
so I bought an Ashton in an Aldi car park.
Designed in Australia? Made in Korea,
it does thunder when I play.

River rescue teams train at night
watched by white swans and wineo's.
A vicious mouth
wired shut by three stone bridges
that scrape and chew against the tide
until the morning turns the light
and swans glide out for fresh baked bread.
Old boys line the walls of splintered wood,
speaking in tongues of how it was
when the waters played an Irish jig
to a well placed ear on cobbled streets,
any man or musician could drown
in Guinness, if the mood was dark
and the king's Island had taken his shilling.

The manager is asking the wifi's
to leave and they do, running on battery
to the next free zone.
I dip the last of my chips
in a small tub of curry sauce,
waiting for the posse to arrive,
I feel old enough to be the Sheriff
but not for too long.

[Brownlie]

There are babies with false tans
being fed free wifi burgers,
I feel old enough to look
but not for too long.

He rode into town,
a gunslinger without a saddle,
pulls up at the traffic lights,
gives the eye to the car along side. -- Good idea, I'd like to see John Wayne getting road rage. I'm not sure if this is a limerick though, or if you're talking about a town named Limerick. 

The lights change, true grit
racing for slips.
The buildings old enough to look
can't resist,
a proud past reflects in their eyes
but not for too long.

I start a note on a white serviette   -- Had to look up serviette
but the grease from the cheese
puts a stop to the horse
and I noticed the baby has an earring.

A man from Manchester who plays the pubs
said don't give Ryanair a guitar,
so I bought an Ashton in an Aldi car park.
Designed in Australia? Made in Korea,
it does thunder when I play.

River rescue teams train at night
watched by white swans and wineo's.
A vicious mouth
wired shut by three stone bridges
that scrape and chew against the tide
until the morning turns the light
and swans glide out for fresh baked bread. -- This is a good image in what seems sort of confusing, to me at least.
Old boys line the walls of splintered wood,
speaking in tongues of how it was
when the waters played an Irish jig
to a well placed ear on cobbled streets,
any man or musician could drown
in Guinness, if the mood was dark
and the king's Island had taken his shilling. -- If this were comprehensive, maybe it is and I'm missing it, it might be pretty good.

The manager is asking the wifi's
to leave and they do, running on battery
to the next free zone.
I dip the last of my chips
in a small tub of curry sauce,
waiting for the posse to arrive,
I feel old enough to be the Sheriff
but not for too long.

I like the swans coming out for the bread. Maybe you'll get some comments here.

[cidermaid]

Hi Keith,  not sure what sort of feedback you might be looking for on this one.
I think there is a lot to be enjoyed in this one but it is currentlyburried under quite a few images and details that will not be assessable to many.  (Thinking you might be headed for a host of misreads on this one!).
I leave a couple of comments for you to chew over.

There are babies with false tans
being fed free wifi burgers,
I feel old enough to look
but not for too long.  This stanza does not really lock me into the bigger picture of what is going on in the rest of the poem.  From the title I am thinking it is going to be cameos of Limerick (Ireland)...which is great - not disappointed there...but this stanza is not strong enough to hook me into that idiom.  It could be anywhere in the world.  Content wise on this stanza, think you give too much away -  could just be:  old enough to look.

He rode into town,
a gunslinger without a saddle,
pulls up at the traffic lights,
gives the eye to the car along side.

The lights change, true grit
racing for slips.
The buildings old enough to look
can't resist,
a proud past reflects in their eyes
but not for too long.  Love the images for these two stanzas but confused about who the "he" is.  Also need more images to pick up the historical buildings  image. (Also didn't think the repeat line worked, as then no further referance till end stanza...the idea of oldest swinger in an old town is good, but is not projected enough to stand out as a sub image )

I start a note on a white serviette  
but the grease from the cheese
puts a stop to the horse  (Think this pun will be lost on most readers - too much age showing pet!)
and I noticed the baby has an earring.

A man from Manchester who plays the pubs
said don't give Ryanair a guitar,
so I bought an Ashton in an Aldi car park. Love the detail and A word play.
Designed in Australia? Made in Korea,
it does thunder when I play.  I made a leap and decided an Ashton was a type of guitar.  (don't think you need to change as enough clue given but just saying).  loved the thunders ref...but again how many will get this one?  Might need to give a second leg up - perhaps designed down under. (and edit out does)

River rescue teams train at night
watched by white swans and wineo's.
A vicious mouth
wired shut by three stone bridges
that scrape and chew against the tide
until the morning turns the light
and swans glide out for fresh baked bread.  Love these images of the river tidal protection. But the whole stanza is a bit long winded / wordy. 

Old boys line the walls of splintered wood,
speaking in tongues of how it was
when the waters played an Irish jig
to a well placed ear on cobbled streets,
any man or musician could drown
in Guinness, if the mood was dark
and the king's Island had taken his shilling. This stanza is a very rich vein.  Not sure how many will get the last two line.  personally I love them.  Perhaps consider some of these images for your first stanza to get the reader into the Land of Limerick more firmly.

The manager is asking the wifi's
to leave and they do, running on battery
to the next free zone.
I dip the last of my chips
in a small tub of curry sauce,
waiting for the posse to arrive,  Love the use of posse to describe the family writer is waiting for and the use of details to place the vioce in the role of observer rather than partaker.
I feel old enough to be the Sheriff
but not for too long.   ...Although I do like how you started with the image of jail bait and then finished on this as well.

Too much feedback?...Sorry can't help it. What can I say, I like your poetry.

[Keith]

Hi Keith,  not sure what sort of feedback you might be looking for on this one.
I think there is a lot to be enjoyed in this one but it is currentlyburried under quite a few images and details that will not be assessable to many.  (Thinking you might be headed for a host of misreads on this one!).
I leave a couple of comments for you to chew over.

There are babies with false tans
being fed free wifi burgers,
I feel old enough to look
but not for too long.  This stanza does not really lock me into the bigger picture of what is going on in the rest of the poem.  From the title I am thinking it is going to be cameos of Limerick (Ireland)...which is great - not disappointed there...but this stanza is not strong enough to hook me into that idiom.  It could be anywhere in the world.  Content wise on this stanza, think you give too much away -  could just be:  old enough to look.

He rode into town,
a gunslinger without a saddle,
pulls up at the traffic lights,
gives the eye to the car along side.

The lights change, true grit
racing for slips.
The buildings old enough to look
can't resist,
a proud past reflects in their eyes
but not for too long.  Love the images for these two stanzas but confused about who the "he" is.  Also need more images to pick up the historical buildings  image. (Also didn't think the repeat line worked, as then no further referance till end stanza...the idea of oldest swinger in an old town is good, but is not projected enough to stand out as a sub image )

I start a note on a white serviette  
but the grease from the cheese
puts a stop to the horse  (Think this pun will be lost on most readers - too much age showing pet!)
and I noticed the baby has an earring.

A man from Manchester who plays the pubs
said don't give Ryanair a guitar,
so I bought an Ashton in an Aldi car park. Love the detail and A word play.
Designed in Australia? Made in Korea,
it does thunder when I play.  I made a leap and decided an Ashton was a type of guitar.  (don't think you need to change as enough clue given but just saying).  loved the thunders ref...but again how many will get this one?  Might need to give a second leg up - perhaps designed down under. (and edit out does)

River rescue teams train at night
watched by white swans and wineo's.
A vicious mouth
wired shut by three stone bridges
that scrape and chew against the tide
until the morning turns the light
and swans glide out for fresh baked bread.  Love these images of the river tidal protection. But the whole stanza is a bit long winded / wordy. 

Old boys line the walls of splintered wood,
speaking in tongues of how it was
when the waters played an Irish jig
to a well placed ear on cobbled streets,
any man or musician could drown
in Guinness, if the mood was dark
and the king's Island had taken his shilling. This stanza is a very rich vein.  Not sure how many will get the last two line.  personally I love them.  Perhaps consider some of these images for your first stanza to get the reader into the Land of Limerick more firmly.

The manager is asking the wifi's
to leave and they do, running on battery
to the next free zone.
I dip the last of my chips
in a small tub of curry sauce,
waiting for the posse to arrive,  Love the use of posse to describe the family writer is waiting for and the use of details to place the vioce in the role of observer rather than partaker.
I feel old enough to be the Sheriff
but not for too long.   ...Although I do like how you started with the image of jail bait and then finished on this as well.

Too much feedback?...Sorry can't help it. What can I say, I like your poetry.

AJ you have given me plenty to work with here and your feedback is very clear, a simple thank you seems inadequate but I am extremely grateful for all the support. This did need a workshop but I don't have enough in the bank to ask for more money, so thank you for the loan. Best Keith

---

There are babies with false tans
being fed free wifi burgers,
I feel old enough to look
but not for too long.

He rode into town,
a gunslinger without a saddle,
pulls up at the traffic lights,
gives the eye to the car along side. -- Good idea, I'd like to see John Wayne getting road rage. I'm not sure if this is a limerick though, or if you're talking about a town named Limerick. 

The lights change, true grit
racing for slips.
The buildings old enough to look
can't resist,
a proud past reflects in their eyes
but not for too long.

I start a note on a white serviette   -- Had to look up serviette
but the grease from the cheese
puts a stop to the horse
and I noticed the baby has an earring.

A man from Manchester who plays the pubs
said don't give Ryanair a guitar,
so I bought an Ashton in an Aldi car park.
Designed in Australia? Made in Korea,
it does thunder when I play.

River rescue teams train at night
watched by white swans and wineo's.
A vicious mouth
wired shut by three stone bridges
that scrape and chew against the tide
until the morning turns the light
and swans glide out for fresh baked bread. -- This is a good image in what seems sort of confusing, to me at least.
Old boys line the walls of splintered wood,
speaking in tongues of how it was
when the waters played an Irish jig
to a well placed ear on cobbled streets,
any man or musician could drown
in Guinness, if the mood was dark
and the king's Island had taken his shilling. -- If this were comprehensive, maybe it is and I'm missing it, it might be pretty good.

The manager is asking the wifi's
to leave and they do, running on battery
to the next free zone.
I dip the last of my chips
in a small tub of curry sauce,
waiting for the posse to arrive,
I feel old enough to be the Sheriff
but not for too long.

I like the swans coming out for the bread. Maybe you'll get some comments here.

Hi Brownlie, Many thanks for the considered feedback, I will take all your comments and use them to form the edit as much work is needed here i think. Best Keith

[Keith]

Many thanks AJ and Brownlie for the feedback, I have made some changes based on it. Best Keith