Masturbation - Edit

[Wjames]

Edit:

I've heard the ocean in a shell
and just to breathe her, bought Chanel;
but without sand between my toes,
or skin to stray beneath my noes,
it's just another night alone.

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to push back on my own,
it’s just another night alone.

Original:

I’ve heard the ocean through a shell,
and bought perfume to breathe her smell;
but without sand between my toes
or love to bind my earthly woes,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to match the love I’ve shown,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

[Erthona]

I like this, but I think the last lines need to read:

"It's just another night alone." 4 accents, which matches the other lines.

Dale

[tectak]

I’ve heard the ocean through a shell,
and bought perfume to breathe her smell;
but without sand between my toes
or love to bind my earthly woes,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to match the love I’ve shown,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

Wot dales sez squared...also, I've heard the ocean in a shell? "Smell" rhymes but is aesthetically wrong...and bought perfume I knew so well?
Masturbation may have a different meaning in your life but it is an interesting tililation.
Best,
tectak

[poppoetry]

I’ve heard the ocean through a shell,
and bought perfume to breathe her smell;
but without sand between my toes
or love to bind my earthly woes,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to match the love I’ve shown,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

I'm a newbie here and may be in the wrong place so apologies if I am but this is a great poem, nice rhymimg and great subject matter, my only criticism is too many words, you could cut out a few to make it flow a bit better, its a great poem though and brilliant title too.

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

I’ve heard the ocean through a shell,
and bought perfume to breathe her smell;
but without sand between my toes
or love to bind my earthly woes,
it’s just another night spent all alone.<--this last line just doesn't flow right for me...i might think about "another night spent all alone" or its just another night alone". Make the syllables match

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,<--fireplace has too many syllables...somehow get one out of this line.
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to match the love I’ve shown,<--i might think about rewording this...i works, but it could work better
it’s just another night spent all alone.<--whatever you decide to do above, do it with this line too. Make them match.

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading and commenting guys.

Dale: I think you're right about the last lines, I'll make the change tonight (writing this from my phone).

Tectak: I might change it to in a shell, I'll think on it a little more. I agree smell doesn't really fit with everything else, but I think what I'm trying to say is clearer that way (why do I know it so well & why am I buying it?).

Pop: thanks for reading, I would sort of call this poem "pop poetry", so your name made me smile. I know what you mean about those words perhaps being unnecessary, but this was written in iambic metre and they're needed to keep the meter. I might be able to change them somehow though.

I might be sad: I'm fairly certain I had the meter right, with every line having four feet but the last ones, with 5. I will change the last lines to make them all have 4. I agree about the 4th line in the second stanza. I think the 4th lines in each stanza are the weakest parts of the poem (they just sort of explain the preceding metaphors with no new imagery or ideas). I'll do some thinking on those.

[billy]

another night spent all alone world sort out the alone line in the first verse. it's really likable for obvious reason but needs a tid bit of work on the meter.

[Wjames]

I've made a little edit to this one, I think it tidies up a few of its problems. I took Dale's suggestion for the last lines, and also got rid of "smell" which I think didn't really fit very well (as Tectak pointed out). Also made a couple other small changes.

[ellajam]

Really good work on the edit. A few notes:

Edit:

I've heard the ocean in a shell
and just to breathe her, bought Chanel; Love this rhyme, these lines work beautifully now.
but without sand between my toes,
or skin to stray beneath my noes, Typo nose? Skin to stray is the only bump in this for me.
it's just another night alone.

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to push back on my own,
it’s just another night alone.

Original:

I’ve heard the ocean through a shell,
and bought perfume to breathe her smell;
but without sand between my toes
or love to bind my earthly woes,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to match the love I’ve shown,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts ella, I agree about skin to stray, it can probably be improved.

[tectak]

Really good work on the edit. A few notes:

Edit:

I've heard the ocean in a shell
and just to breathe her, bought Chanel; Love this rhyme, these lines work beautifully now.
but without sand between my toes,
or skin to stray beneath my noes, Typo nose? Skin to stray is the only bump in this for me.
it's just another night alone.

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to push back on my own,
it’s just another night alone.

Original:

I’ve heard the ocean through a shell,
and bought perfume to breathe her smell;
but without sand between my toes
or love to bind my earthly woes,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

I’ve watched a fireplace on TV,
and kissed her pillow, tenderly;
but without flames to warm my bones
or lips to match the love I’ve shown,
it’s just another night spent all alone.

Good edit, good egg,goodnight.
Best,
tectak