Patriotic Colors

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

I felt the original was maybe a little harsh, or non sensitive, or something and it was making me a bit uncomfortable, so i edited.
Edit
Here, in THE LAND OF THE BRAVE,
they curl up in rooms, waiting for the
PATRIOTIC DISPLAY
to stop
reminding
them
of the things they did for
THE LAND OF THE FREE!

People say that they
DEFENDED OUR RIGHTS
but someone, please, explain why,
exactly,
such a heavy price was taken from the few
and the liberty given to the free
while the few spend their time
reliving, avoiding, medicating.
Trapped.

And the
RED WHITE AND BLUE
Explode in the air,
but all she can think about is the
RED WHITE AND BLUE
that lit up the ceiling of their bedroom the night he
didn’t come home
from the
BRIGHT, ALL-AMERICAN
bridge.



Original
Here, in THE LAND OF THE BRAVE,
they curl up in rooms, waiting for the
PATRIOTIC DISPLAY
to stop
reminding
them
of the things they did for
THE LAND OF THE FREE
and people say that they
DEFENDED OUR FREEDOM
but someone, please, explain why,
exactly,
such a big sacrifice was required for…
what? What had the fight even been
about?
And the
RED WHITE AND BLUE
Explode in the air,
but all she can think about is the
RED WHITE AND BLUE
that lit up the ceiling of their bedroom that night that he
didn’t come home
from the bright, all-American
bridge.

[fluorescent.43]

First off- when I clicked on this thread, I noticed the all-caps right away. As I read the poem, I would have to say the emphasis on these words are a little sarcastic in nature especially as you mentioned that it was for PTSD sufferers and Independence Day. The spirit of this poem I really like- I think you could clean it up to be more precise and less wordy, but overall it's good. I hope I didn't go overboard with the comments as I know this is the Novice section.

Here, in THE LAND OF THE BRAVE,
they curl up in rooms, waiting for the some description of the rooms here would be nice
PATRIOTIC DISPLAY
to stop
reminding
them I like the separation of words here. It makes for a starker read, which I think fits in well with what you're trying to say.
of the things they did for
THE LAND OF THE FREE
and people say that they
DEFENDED OUR FREEDOM freedom sounds a bit overused right now as "the land of the free" was just used- liberty? rights?
but someone, please, explain why,
exactly,
such a big sacrifice was required for… "big" is unnecessary here, I think.
what? What had the fight even been
about?
And the
RED WHITE AND BLUE
Explode in the air,
but all she can think about is the
RED WHITE AND BLUE
that lit up the ceiling of their bedroom that night that he the night that he
didn’t come home
from the bright, all-American what do you mean to say by "all-American"? Does just "American" work?
bridge.

[Grace]

This is me, being the frustrated and mad and ignorant 14 year old that i am, so please forgive me if my information is totally wrong or something. In honor of victims of PTSD and in the spirit of the the 4th of July.



Here, in THE LAND OF THE BRAVE, - like the way you use capitals for emphasis
they curl up in rooms, waiting for the -rooms begin and end the poem
PATRIOTIC DISPLAY
to stop
reminding
them. line-breaks to drum those words in
of the things they did for
THE LAND OF THE FREE
and people say that they
DEFENDED OUR FREEDOM
but someone, please, explain why,
exactly, using commas to make your point
such a big sacrifice was required for…
what? What had the fight even been
about?
And the
RED WHITE AND BLUE
Explode in the air,
but all she can think about is the
RED WHITE AND BLUE
that lit up the ceiling of their bedroom that night that he
didn’t come home
from the bright, all-American
bridge. best line. Good way to end it.

I like the way you write. It's your unique voice, telling it like it is.
Thank you for the read :)

[Erthona]

The point of view taken (black and white) tends to undermine any points the poem might make, that is by its tone the poem prejudices the reader against the reader, unless the reader is of the same mind as the poem. It bypasses any chance to be thoughtful, or to induce thoughtfulness. It does this by presenting the information in an angry and sarcastic tone while cherry picking only the part of the information that supports its contentions.
As the writer is 14, maybe they have yet to develop the necessary insight to not so obviously skew the information making it seem a question of right or wrong, when in actually there are a lot of grey areas in this subjects.
Despite the fact that as a counselor I worked with two groups of former military with acute PTSD for several years, I would never have known this was about PTSD had the writer not stated as much in the header (saying they are curled up in their beds does not bring PTSD to my mind). Except for the curled up part, most soldiers continue to ponder the war experience throughout for the rest of their life, especially those who had any part in killing others (and that does not have to mean directly).
If you want to make the middle part about Vietnam, you might have a valid point. However, anytime a democratic government goes to war, the motives and justification are going to run the gamut. Why do we not have US soldiers on the ground against Daesh (ISIS) in Iraq? One of many reasons is because the politicians know that the populace is tired of war and would not support it. When we attacked the time before the public still had the memories of 9/11 fresh in their minds. Yet Daesh is a much greater terrorist threat now than al-Qaeda ever was. So there are many reasons soldiers go and die in wars, some good, some bad, many so-so and so on. To simplify it and not acknowledge the complexities is the equivalent of someone giving the rational "because I said so." That sort of thinking in a poem is not very satisfying.

Still, this at heart a decent idea and it would be good to keep working at it.

Best,


Dale

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

The point of view taken (black and white) tends to undermine any points the poem might make, that is by its tone the poem prejudices the reader against the reader, unless the reader is of the same mind as the poem. It bypasses any chance to be thoughtful, or to induce thoughtfulness.  It does this by presenting the information in an angry and sarcastic tone while cherry picking only the part of the information that supports its contentions.
As the writer is 14, maybe they have yet to develop the necessary insight to not so obviously skew the information making it seem a question of right or wrong, when in actually there are a lot of grey areas in this subjects.
Despite the fact that as a counselor I worked with two groups of former military with acute PTSD for several years, I would never have known this was about PTSD had the writer not stated as much in the header (saying they are curled up in their beds does not bring PTSD to my mind). Except for the curled up part, most soldiers continue to ponder the war experience throughout for the rest of their life, especially those who had any part in killing others (and that does not have to mean directly).  
If you want to make the middle part about Vietnam, you might have a valid point. However, anytime a democratic government goes to war, the motives and justification are going to run the gamut. Why do we not have US soldiers on the ground against Daesh (ISIS) in Iraq? One of many reasons is because the politicians know that the populace is tired of war and would not support it. When we attacked the time before the public still had the memories of 9/11 fresh in their minds. Yet Daesh is a much greater terrorist threat now than al-Qaeda ever was. So there are many reasons soldiers go and die in wars, some good, some bad, many so-so and so on. To simplify it and not acknowledge the complexities is the equivalent of someone giving the rational "because I said so."   That sort of thinking in a poem is not very satisfying.  

Still, this at heart a decent idea and it would be good to keep working at it.

Best,


Dale

Dale-
Thank you for your viewpoint! I realized as i was posting it that the ideas i expressed are probably completely over simplified. I definitely don't have all, or probably any, of the true unbiased information. With that in mind, i am very, truly sorry that i said untrue things about any mental illness, as i know how i feel when people do that about my own. Thank you for explaining some of the real facts to me, i definitely needed it and certainly appreciate it.

thank you,
Liz

[tectak]

I like the general message of the poem and its stance of the subject of war.
No one should have to die for what they believe and the notion that people cannot be civil is a saddening one. People within society tend to accept great suffering because great suffering is so common in the world. And when atrocities become so widespread, people tend to accept it as a vanilla facet of life.
While we can't exactly make a paradise on Earth, we can most certainly make this planet a much better place for all its creatures. Whether people will wake up and dare to experience change is the defining factor. With all this being said, I do think the poem could stand to use more imagery to better convey the message and as Fluorescent.43 has stated, the general fine tuning of the words in the piece will help greatly. Balance is key in all things. A poem isn't created. It's sculpted, perfected. Anyway, I do hope this helps. ^_^

This critique may or may not help. It rather depends upon WHAT you hope to help. As a discussion of content you may be better suited to the Discussion forum. In this forum you should try to suggest areas of improvement...that is the primary directive. Mod