Posts: 10
Threads: 2
Joined: Jul 2015
Where is my Bird?
Where is my Bird?
I can’t find it!
It flew away, along the firth,
Where listless seas meet
And wallow me in.
In Bliss, I cannot tell
The verge of drowning
Heaven-
and the mundane of
Life.
I took a pigment of shell
And looked for a dead Essence;
O how sweet, redolent and fine!
Thank you for reading this poem! Hope you have a nice day
p/s I am a newbie and I am just seventeen years old so please don't be so harsh. I really appreciate your feedback. Thank you
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
what are the seas that meet at the firth?
at first read it feels very poetic but on closer look it's missing some depth.
the
'and wallow me in' line really held me up.
try it with some meter. [you can find out about meter in a lot of the stickies we have on the site]
i often find that poems with brevity can often be improved with even more brevity.
I took a pigment of shell
And looked for a dead Essence;
i love the above two lines but the next line deflates any good they carry.
Where is my Bird?
It flew away, along the firth,
to where listless seas meet
Obadiah Grey
Unregistered
Where is my Bird?
I can’t find it!
It flew away, along the firth,
Where listless seas meet
And wallow me in.
In Bliss, I cannot tell
The verge of drowning Heaven-
and the mundane of Life.
I took a pigment of shell
And looked for a dead Essence;
O how sweet, redolent and fine!
Hello, ( I'm guessing "Claire" ?) I found Your poem interesting.
Your pice as it stands, is slightly confusing and doesn't quite hold together, though poetry needn't be metered to be of worth it is more easily read with a semblance of it; might I suggest the easiest of metering, "Syllabic verse" - "then accentual-syllabic verse".
A nice phrase,,
I took a pigment of shell
and looked for a dead Essence,
sweet, redolent, and fine.
Obi.
Posts: 10
Threads: 2
Joined: Jul 2015
Thank you for your feedback, it is a poem about despair when a person loses his lover and he is on a verge of sanity. But you can interpret it whichever way you like
Thank you again for these helpful advice.
