The Death Caps Grow

[Zeno's Bullet]

Lyrics I am working on:


Porcelain city cracked with grime
Tattered to the point of pieces falling off
Aged blackened gnarled times
Arabesque winds will blow beyond the rough
Patches of this land will burn
leaving only tiles of taint and passing cars
Swift control with pelting scorn
Watch the rain warp like a bursting neutron star

The skyscraper heap
Of metal that weeps


Where the death caps grow
What escapes the undertow
Where the death caps grow
We'll hide ourselves where the seeds will sow

I feel my face about to break
Under rubble pressure and the mausoleum light
Searching through dark lemniscate
Picking up tomes and pieces of the plight
Ashes burn and rust entwines
Drowning of the phoenix inside the elder walls
I rebirth from the boulder shrine
Fetal escape outside the ancient halls

I'm the subtle heap
Of flesh that weeps

(Refrain)

Bridge:

Where lightning heals the fawn
Where earthquakes build the road
Where dustbowls feed the crops
Where our dead seeds will sow

(Solo)

(Refrain)

(Coda)

[tectak]

Lyrics I am working on:


Porcelain city cracked with grime
Tattered to the point of pieces falling off
Aged blackened gnarled times
Arabesque winds will blow beyond the rough
Patches of this land will burn
leaving only tiles of taint and passing cars
Swift control with pelting scorn
Watch the rain warp like a bursting neutron star

The skyscraper heap
Of metal that weeps


Where the death caps grow
What escapes the undertow
Where the death caps grow
We'll hide ourselves where the seeds will sow

I feel my face about to break
Under rubble pressure and the mausoleum light
Searching through dark lemniscate
Picking up tomes and pieces of the plight
Ashes burn and rust entwines
Drowning of the phoenix inside the elder walls
I rebirth from the boulder shrine
Fetal escape outside the ancient halls

I'm the subtle heap
Of flesh that weeps

(Refrain)

Bridge:

Where lightning heals the fawn
Where earthquakes build the road
Where dustbowls feed the crops
Where our dead seeds will sow

(Solo)

(Refrain)

(Coda)

Lyrics are destined to be miraculously transported to Miscellaneous where they may be appreciated for their qualities not normally so appreciated in the other forums. As this is "work in progress" (your words) one wonders what you would like in terms of response?
Mod.

---

Lyrics I am working on:


Porcelain city cracked with grime
Tattered to the point of pieces falling off
Aged blackened gnarled times
Arabesque winds will blow beyond the rough
Patches of this land will burn
leaving only tiles of taint and passing cars
Swift control with pelting scorn
Watch the rain warp like a bursting neutron star

The skyscraper heap
Of metal that weeps


Where the death caps grow
What escapes the undertow
Where the death caps grow
We'll hide ourselves where the seeds will sow

I feel my face about to break
Under rubble pressure and the mausoleum light
Searching through dark lemniscate
Picking up tomes and pieces of the plight
Ashes burn and rust entwines
Drowning of the phoenix inside the elder walls
I rebirth from the boulder shrine
Fetal escape outside the ancient halls

I'm the subtle heap
Of flesh that weeps

(Refrain)

Bridge:

Where lightning heals the fawn
Where earthquakes build the road
Where dustbowls feed the crops
Where our dead seeds will sow

(Solo)

(Refrain)

(Coda)

Lyrics are destined to be miraculously transported to Miscellaneous where they may be apreciated for their qualities not normally so appreciated in the other forums. As this is "work in progress" (your words) one wonders what you would like in terms of response?
Mod.

[Zeno's Bullet]

My deepest apologies for the noobisms.

I expect a mild form of critique.

[tectak]

My deepest apologies for the noobisms.

I expect a mild form of critique.

Well, putting it mildly, it is completely self indulgent pretentious nonsense...but that is the problem with mares eat oats and does eat oats and liittle lambs eat ivy, a kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you? Of course, the latter has a saving grace in that it makes some kind of sense...so how about trying for that?
Best,
tectak

[Zeno's Bullet]

Your criticism doesn't help me in any way.
I apologized for posting in the wrong forum and answered your question. I don't understand how that warrants you calling my work in progress "self indulgent pretentious nonesense" when I was never rude to you to begin with.
How does your feedback help me in any way other than make you look like an asshole?
I'll take my works elsewhere.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey bullet-

The best way to know if lyrics work is to sing them in front of someone.  That way, you can check the reaction as it happens, and get instant feedback just by asking.

Reading lyrics is quite another thing.  Some of my favorite songs have highly repetitious, very simple  lyrics with a solid hook.  Listen to any pop favorite and you'll see what I mean.  Does that mean I'm advocating pop music, or writing drivel.  NO.  What it means is that some of these songs do get ya tapping your toe.  

Poetry, on the other hand, may get you tapping your head.  Unless performed, poetry won't have the benefit of a 'backing band'.  

Now.  Just reading your lyrics did not get me taping my toes or tapping my head.  It did having me scratching my head.  Example:  
The skyscraper heap
Of metal that weeps
Other than being a forced rhyme, the image does not work for me.  Metal may melt, but does it weep?  C'mon.... even with abstract lyrics, there needs to be a touch of accuracy.  Otherwise, the lyrics are merely confusing, and confusing don't cut gold records.  

Not to brag, but I've written several songs, and performed on stage with any number of musical "configurations".  These lyrics would require way more stage presence than I'd be able to pull off.

Just a note: The previous comment is nothing compared to a live audience. Especially if you're the sensitive type.

That's the best I can do Zenos...
... Mark

[Zeno's Bullet]

Hey bullet-

The best way to know if lyrics work is to sing them in front of someone.  That way, you can check the reaction as it happens, and get instant feedback just by asking.

Reading lyrics is quite another thing.  Some of my favorite songs have highly repetitious, very simple  lyrics with a solid hook.  Listen to any pop favorite and you'll see what I mean.  Does that mean I'm advocating pop music, or writing drivel.  NO.  What it means is that some of these songs do get ya tapping your toe.  

Poetry, on the other hand, may get you tapping your head.  Unless performed, poetry won't have the benefit of a 'backing band'.  

Now.  Just reading your lyrics did not get me taping my toes or tapping my head.  It did having me scratching my head.  Example:  
The skyscraper heap
Of metal that weeps
Other than being a forced rhyme, the image does not work for me.  Metal may melt, but does it weep?  C'mon.... even with abstract lyrics, there needs to be a touch of accuracy.  Otherwise, the lyrics are merely confusing, and confusing don't cut gold records.  

Not to brag, but I've written several songs, and performed on stage with any number of musical "configurations".  These lyrics would require way more stage presence than I'd be able to pull off.

Just a note: The previous comment is nothing compared to a live audience.  Especially if you're the sensitive type.  

That's the best I can do Zenos...
... Mark

I appreciate your honesty and feedback, Mark. You at least give me some pointers to work with. I'm used to negative criticism (I've played in several ensembles too). However, I don't condone shallow attacks on my work.

If you're gonna call it shit, you might as well tell me why.

[Mark A Becker]

Alrighty then bullet-
The piece is full of forced rhymes, and I would not say that iof I did not find many of the rhymes to be, well... forced. If you interpret that as calling it "shit", that's not my problem. The forcing is evident in the very first rhyme: "grime" (OK) to "time" (forced).


Porcelain city cracked with grime
Tattered to the point of pieces falling off
Aged blackened gnarled times need other word than times
Arabesque winds will blow beyond the rough
Patches of this land will burn
leaving only tiles of taint and passing cars
Swift control with pelting scornyou went from concrete images to "scorn", which does not pelt
Watch the rain warp like a bursting neutron star really? rain bursting like a star? c'mon

The skyscraper heap
Of metal that weeps definitely forcing the rhyme here. The abstract has become obscure, now.. ie I just don;t get it


Where the death caps grow
What escapes the undertow how did we get into the ocean?
Where the death caps grow
We'll hide ourselves where the seeds will sow with seeds sowing in the ocean, right?

I feel my face about to break
Under rubble pressure and the mausoleum light
Searching through dark lemniscate how will an audience ever know what this means. obscurity is not a virtue
Picking up tomes and pieces of the plight how does one pick up plight?
Ashes burn and rust entwines acuracy please: a thing that entwines may rust, but not the rust itself
Drowning of the phoenix inside the elder wallswhere the phoenix come from? and what elders?
I rebirth from the boulder shrine too obscure to be understood by my feeble brain
Fetal escape outside the ancient halls I'm sorry, but I just don't get it

I'm the subtle heap
Of flesh that weeps

(Refrain)

Bridge:

Where lightning heals the fawn it would make more sense for lightning to heal the cloud
Where earthquakes build the road
Where dustbowls feed the crops
Where our dead seeds will sow

Even with instruments wrapped around them, these lyrics will be a very tough sell. Have someone else sing them back to you, and then listen real hard to how they sound coming back.

... Mark

[Zeno's Bullet]

How is 'grime' and 'times' forced? Is it too elementary of a rhyme or does it make the overall meaning of the lines more confusing?
Also, thank you very much for the critique. Again, I appreciate it.

[NobodyNothing]

I've written song lyrics for a solo artist and another band before. The biggest mistake I made early on was to "overwrite" them. Not everyone's Dylan, or Tracy Chapman, nor every song a ballad of the sort. Generally speaking, listeners want time to emotionally interact with the sentiments and images the song is projecting and spontaneously evoking within the listener. Repetition matters in this way, but not always. 

Anyway...the first song lyrics that I ever wrote that hit home, in a manner of speaking, were the simplest, most non-deep-thinking set of lyrics I ever wrote, just sort of effing around with a particular emotion. Stupid little bluesy number called "Sweet Salvation".  

Music and lyrics are weird in that way.  To be catchy, set that hook...you never quite know (unless you're really good).

And, as always in music as a lyricist, you're dependent upon the rhythms and melodies you're presented to work with. Words/lyrics are limited in such a way.   

[tectak]

Your criticism doesn't help me in any way.
I apologized for posting in the wrong forum and answered your question. I don't understand how that warrants you calling my work in progress "self indulgent pretentious nonesense" when I was never rude to you to begin with.
How does your feedback help me in any way other than make you look like an asshole?
I'll take my works elsewhere.

Then punctuate to clarity and knock off the auto line cap on your "settings". It is no longer considered poetic and only adds to the confusion.  Hell, I am reading it and trying to fathom out what it all means...help me. Or don't and then tell me it isn't self-indulgent. Arabesque winds? Amanitas phalloides with seeds...in the ocean? Did I already say it was nonsense?
Best,
tectak

[Mark A Becker]

Z bullet-
Some suggestions:

For an abstract piece check out Dylan: It's Alright Ma. This song could easily be re-done as a rap masterpiece. But that's not my point-- note the images that he creates eg "from the fool's gold mouthpiece, the hollow horn". Get a feel for what he's doing with the language. Then try to repeat it (and beat your brain against the wall when you realize it ain't so easy, after all).

"She Loves You"- Beatles. The lyrics are elementary at best. Just find three other guys to sing them with and you'll make girls pee themselves. Maybe not. But, then, how did they do it?

Willy Nelson: Why is it that he calls playing in front of an audience like being in church?

The common thread with all three examples is CONNECTION. With an audience of one or one million, the trick, the essence, the "thing"... is the connection. Damn near impossible to predict, but ya know when ya see it.

Being "poetic" with songwriting is very difficult, and many attempts just don't work (because they tend to be obscure, and you lose the audience's attention).

Being abstract can be great. Being obscure is deadly. Your piece, I'm afraid, is the latter.

... Mark