Faubourg at eve

[Alexearth]

Hey there,

This is set around Canal Saint-Martin, in Paris. Tell me what you think-


"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside
the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on
with shifting crowds; endless witness to Apache nights waking."

[ellajam]

Hi, Alex, for me this started with a bang but then fell apart.
L1:"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day" is lovely and a strong image but then I'm not sure why evening (?) lowers the canal, tides?. Ok if that's correct I got there. "by its waterside" seem to hang there, I might prefer it dropped down.

L2: It might be clearer with "with its" after rooftop, but again you start with a strong image, but then Mansard being capitalized confuses me and I never do get my footing again.

L3: Huh? I'm lost.

So in summary, there's plenty to like but it doesn't get me anywhere. Hope this helps.

Hey there,

This is set around Canal Saint-Martin, in Paris. Tell me what you think-


"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside
the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on
with shifting crowds; endless witness to Apache nights waking."

[Alexearth]

Hi, Alex, for me this started with a bang but then fell apart.
L1:"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day" is lovely and a strong image but then I'm not sure why evening (?) lowers the canal, tides?. Ok if that's correct I got there. "by its waterside" seem to hang there, I might prefer it dropped down.
L2: It might be clearer with "with its" after rooftop, but again you start with a strong image, but then Mansard being capitalized confuses me and I never do get my footing again.
L3: Huh? I'm lost.
So in summary, there's plenty to like but it doesn't get me anywhere. Hope this helps.

Hey there,
This is set around Canal Saint-Martin, in Paris. Tell me what you think-
"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside
the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on
with shifting crowds; endless witness to Apache nights waking."

Hey Ellajam,

thanks for your message. To answer what you are telling me:

I got this impression that the water shines more while the sun is setting, tell me if you think it's true!

For the capitalized "Mansard", I always wondered if it should be capitalized or not, as it actually comes from the name of François Mansart.

For the last line, what is bothering you? I thought of replacing "shifting" by "spreading". The "endless witness" still refers to the rooftop, maybe not the best structure, a suggestion?



Alex

[jams01752]

Hey there,

This is set around Canal Saint-Martin, in Paris. Tell me what you think-


"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside
the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on
with shifting crowds; endless witness to Apache nights waking."

Hi Alex,

Firstly an overall comment about the poem itself: I found it effective in terms of scenery description however lacking in any real though provoking ideas or meaning. BUT you can claim that's not what is being aimed for. I did enjoy calm tone and feeling the poem had.
L1: I found this a vivid image and could see clearly what was being described. Like the canal was a scaled animal. Why are the leftovers pale? Is the to give the impression that the day has been drained?
L2 and L3: There's not really much being said here in these lines I would have rather something that had more impact in terms of imagery but from what was said the word choice is not bad. The bit I most enjoyed of these lines was the ending "endless witness to Apache nights waking."

[danny_]

Hey there,

This is set around Canal Saint-Martin, in Paris. Tell me what you think-


"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside
the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on
with shifting crowds; endless witness to Apache nights waking."

I agree with some comments that L1 is best. L3 is most misleading. Well "shifting crowds" I suppose is all the people around the building outside? That was a bit unclear. The worst is "endless witness to Apache nights waking." What is Apache? Too many formal names for anyone who doesn't know them. I guess the crowd witnesses night turn to dawn though. But it's obscure to me. How does a rooftop linger on with a shifting crowd? I don't know what is the focus of the poem.
Overall though, I like the simplicity and imagery. You are close to what you want to say, and I believe you will be able to say it very well after some refinement.

[Brownie]

This is very nice. The imagry transported me there. The canal waves and ripples appear like scales as the light nears the horizon lighting up one side of the numerous little waves and shading the backside creating a look like scales on a fish. The rooftops catching that same light and casting long shadows over the crowd as they linger above and upon them. But I don't get what the Apache Night is you're referring to or how it fits in here. I'm transported from France to the desert southwest all sudden like as a whitness to the night sky over long plateaus. Was that the intent?

[Alexearth]

Hi Alex,
Firstly an overall comment about the poem itself: I found it effective in terms of scenery description however lacking in any real though provoking ideas or meaning. BUT you can claim that's not what is being aimed for. I did enjoy calm tone and feeling the poem had.
L1: I found this a vivid image and could see clearly what was being described. Like the canal was a scaled animal. Why are the leftovers pale? Is the to give the impression that the day has been drained?
L2 and L3: There's not really much being said here in these lines I would have rather something that had more impact in terms of imagery but from what was said the word choice is not bad. The bit I most enjoyed of these lines was the ending "endless witness to Apache nights waking."

Hey! Thanks for your message. I have to say, this poem was more the description of an atmosphere. The idea I'm trying to share is an impression I had of the shift between day and night, the reluctance of the canal, the buildings and rooftops and also the people to disappear as the night comes.
I'll edit my poem, as too make this a little more clear!
Thanks again,

Alex

---

I agree with some comments that L1 is best. L3 is most misleading. Well "shifting crowds" I suppose is all the people around the building outside? That was a bit unclear. The worst is "endless witness to Apache nights waking." What is Apache? Too many formal names for anyone who doesn't know them. I guess the crowd witnesses night turn to dawn though. But it's obscure to me. How does a rooftop linger on with a shifting crowd? I don't know what is the focus of the poem.
Overall though, I like the simplicity and imagery. You are close to what you want to say, and I believe you will be able to say it very well after some refinement.

Hey Danny, thanks for your message.
About rooftops lingering with the crowd, I'm talking here about the reluctance of the canal, the buildings and rooftops and also the people, to disappear as the night comes. I'll work on it to make the message clear!
Also, as I'm talking here about a "Faubourg", the Apaches was a gang during the Belle Epoque in the Faubourgs of Paris which would cause mayhem at night.
I'm using this metaphor to express the wildness of the nights here in the old Faubourgs, even today.
Thanks again for your help!

Alex

---

This is very nice. The imagry transported me there. The canal waves and ripples appear like scales as the light nears the horizon lighting up one side of the numerous little waves and shading the backside creating a look like scales on a fish. The rooftops catching that same light and casting long shadows over the crowd as they linger above and upon them. But I don't get what the Apache Night is you're referring to or how it fits in here. I'm transported from France to the desert southwest all sudden like as a whitness to the night sky over long plateaus. Was that the intent?

Hey Brownie, thanks for your message
I like how you interpreted the poem! As for the Apache nights, like I said above, this refers to a famous gang in the Faubourgs of Paris during la Belle Epoque. I used the metaphor to express the craziness of the nights here, even today. What do you think?

Alex 

[Brownie]

Ok thanks. Bravo!

[ellajam]

Hi, Alex, for me this started with a bang but then fell apart.
L1:"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day" is lovely and a strong image but then I'm not sure why evening (?) lowers the canal, tides?. Ok if that's correct I got there. "by its waterside" seem to hang there, I might prefer it dropped down.
L2: It might be clearer with "with its" after rooftop, but again you start with a strong image, but then Mansard being capitalized confuses me and I never do get my footing again.
L3: Huh? I'm lost.
So in summary, there's plenty to like but it doesn't get me anywhere. Hope this helps.

Hey there,
This is set around Canal Saint-Martin, in Paris. Tell me what you think-
"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside
the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on
with shifting crowds; endless witness to Apache nights waking."

Hey Ellajam,

thanks for your message. To answer what you are telling me:

I got this impression that the water shines more while the sun is setting, tell me if you think it's true!

For the capitalized "Mansard", I always wondered if it should be capitalized or not, as it actually comes from the name of François Mansart.

For the last line, what is bothering you? I thought of replacing "shifting" by "spreading". The "endless witness" still refers to the rooftop, maybe not the best structure, a suggestion?



Alex

Hi, alex, I can see others saw your L1 image the way you intended while I saw the scaly walls of the canal, so I guess that's on me. I googled mansard before commenting and found the definitions in lower case but if you know of it differently, your poem, for me with Faubourg before it I still would prefer lower case, you are talking about a roof style, not the man it was named after, or am I missing something?

For me the wording says the rooftop lingers, where would it go? Maybe lingers is not the word you mean or maybe a change in punctuation would have the shadow linger or a switch to The mansard shadow of the Faubourg or something like that.

Because I didn't have enough knowledge (any) of the Apache gangs google did not help me, Apache alone did not give me what I needed. You may not care whether or not peeps like me get it, if you do you might want to consider adding another clue. Your poem.

Hope this helps explain my read, good luck with it.

[Vastile]

Line 1"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside"

I would replace "by it's Waterside" with by it's Bank" it just seems like it breaks the flow of the image. Canals invoke water and "Waterside" invokes, well, more water. Bank is a good transitioning word, which caries the image towards the rooftops in the next line.

Line 2 "the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on"

It's just a small nit pick, but changing Rooftop to Rooftops.

I liked the imagery and I apologize for not being able to be more technical, but I hope I've helped with some wording, and the more abstract way an image flows.