pray or prey

[Merrikay]

Late night poetry practice

Sticky, corrosive.
a web of what could have been,
the spider stalls death
giving illusion of life
only to pierce,
with carefully concealed fangs.

Even in death, his poison flows
affecting a multitude
of moths. Drawn to light,
they flutter away but

I am the princess
And he; a king in a court of snakes,
Who would just as soon devour their own.
I am his legacy, and this
is my slow death.

[Keith]

Hi QC,
The title is a clever one and fits really well. when I read the poem I am reading a father daughter relationship post his death, and being reflected on by the daughter, in that respect it reads quite dark and the extended metaphor of the spider and snakes seems to set the tone, I like the end lines and my only nit would be to have a look at the punctuation it could do with a tidy. Best Keith

[Merrikay]

Thank you.
Yes it is quite dark, but probably not in the way most would imagine. You're right about the pov . I'll see what I can do about the punctuation, I'm having a bit of trouble with that haha. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!

[Mark A Becker]

YO, queen C-

I wonder why I don't see more of this in your other work.  

You take risks, you spin good images, you twist it at the end.

"affecting a multitude of moths"  sounds cool but lacks force.  Also, I'm not sure what the moths are doing, just as I thought they were trapped, you have them fluttering away, when "but...." implies that they're headed for the web (not away).

The introduction of the snakes at the end nearly blows it for me.  Why not stick with spiders?  They eat their offspring, too.  

I think you need to re-work the end to be more concise.  Something about the wording confuses me.  (Maybe I'll figure what is confusing me on another go-around)...

Very promising one, this is.

... Mark

---

OK - thought about it a little more and it's a matter of accuracy.  That dang accuracy, again.  

What is confusing me is that snakes, spiders, and other creatures that eat their kind, usually do so before those offspring can grow into princesses.  And certainly before the offspring can bear a legacy. (Or, maybe I am truly just confused).  Now I'll have to look it up...

The slow death part is OK...  (well, not literally OK, but you know what I mean).

Also, what's with the title? Doesn't work for me....

Would like to say more but it's time to watch the women play kick ball (Women's World Cup - USA v GERMANY)

... Mark

[Merrikay]

Mark
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! I wonder if there's a thread on this, but your comments are making me think a lot about accuracy, haha. As something metaphoric that still needs to make sense, how accurate must a metaphor be? It's describing something by using an image of something else, is there a little leeway there, since it is metaphoric? And then how much leeway? That seems like it might be a fine line..
You may be right about the introduction of the snake metaphor, when I had spiders throughout. I was hoping it would give... Interest? Impact? Hearing your thoughts, I'm rethinking it. Thanks again, I'll keep your comments in mind.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello queen c--

Accuracy remains important, even (maybe especially) with metaphors. I will try to brief, as the subject of metaphors is very deep.

Tenor, vehicle, metonymy, synecdoche, conceit: what do these words mean in regard to metaphor?

Inaccurate metaphor: "A feather of smoke flapped its wings." The problem: though wings have feathers, feathers don't have wings. A reader instantly (if subconsciously) knows something ain't right.

A metaphor that works ( by Trumbull Stickney,1824-1904):
"The green and climbing eyesight of a cat
Crawled near my mind's poor birds"

Works because cats can have green eyes, and one can visualize those eyes tracking a bird. It makes its own weird sense because of its accuracy.

Good luck,
... Mark