Cardinal

[Tiger the Lion]

Cardinal

 
I wonder
how pompous you are;
pretending to be rare
and commonly flittering away
before questions rise,
before cameras click.
 
Are you blushing behind all that red?

[Wjames]

Cardinal

 
I wonder
how pompous you are;
pretending to be rare
and commonly flittering away
before questions rise,
before cameras click.
 
Are you blushing behind all that red?

At first I thought this might be about the catholic church, but then I realized I was probably just reading too much into it.

I like the idea behind the poem though. I live in an area with lots of parks about, and I've seen lots of deer this summer, but they always seem to run away before I can snap a picture.

A few things you might want to think about:

I didn't like the repeat of "before", you could change one of them if you want.

I think it would read better with "beneath" than "behind" in the last line.

This is just personal preference stuff though.

[Tiger the Lion]

Cardinal

 
I wonder
how pompous you are;
pretending to be rare
and commonly flittering away
before questions rise,
before cameras click.
 
Are you blushing behind all that red?

At first I thought this might be about the catholic church, but then I realized I was probably just reading too much into it.

I like the idea behind the poem though. I live in an area with lots of parks about, and I've seen lots of deer this summer, but they always seem to run away before I can snap a picture.

A few things you might want to think about:

I didn't like the repeat of "before", you could change one of them if you want.

I think it would read better with "beneath" than "behind" in the last line.

This is just personal preference stuff though.

WJ,

I'm struggling with the repeat of "before". I like it and I don't. This is not the first poem where I've faced that same question. 

"At first I thought this might be about the catholic church, but then I realized I was probably just reading too much into it."

Why write if no one reads into it?  I wanted to go further and I would still like "pomp" and "flittering" and "blush" to do more work by way of connotation, but it may require an expanded piece. 

Thanks for reading...
Paul

[Magpie]

Hi Paul, this is interesting and I've come back to it a few times to see if it reveals anything new.

I also made a catholic church connection at first, which I think is inevitable (and not a bad thing). I was thinking that if you had the second line as a question (or first and second together) then it alters the dynamic of the next four lines, changing it into a more direct accusation if you know what I mean.
I like the wordplay between 'rare' and the 'commonly' flittering, also the 'flittering' is an interesting word choice, I like how it works.
I'm not having any problem with the repetition of 'before', I was wondering if 'arise' could be used instead of 'rise'.

The way that I'm reading this it could work for the catholic church cardinal, it could work for the bird called a cardinal  as well as the butterfly and other things metaphorical and all, and that's a good thing.

The last thing I will say - is there any room for 'your eminence' or 'eminent', perhaps sarcastically??? 

Cheers for the read, it has made me think,

Mark

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Paul, this is interesting and I've come back to it a few times to see if it reveals anything new.

I also made a catholic church connection at first, which I think is inevitable (and not a bad thing). I was thinking that if you had the second line as a question (or first and second together) then it alters the dynamic of the next four lines, changing it into a more direct accusation if you know what I mean.
I like the wordplay between 'rare' and the 'commonly' flittering, also the 'flittering' is an interesting word choice, I like how it works.
I'm not having any problem with the repetition of 'before', I was wondering if 'arise' could be used instead of 'rise'.

The way that I'm reading this it could work for the catholic church cardinal, it could work for the bird called a cardinal  as well as the butterfly and other things metaphorical and all, and that's a good thing.

The last thing I will say - is there any room for 'your eminence' or 'eminent', perhaps sarcastically??? 

Cheers for the read, it has made me think,

Mark

If I could find a way to squeeze "eminence" in, I certainly would. Will toy with it. I did flipflop with "rise" and "arise" but in the end decided "rise" was more birdlike. I wish the poem were a little more subtle but the title is necessary and maybe weighs a little heavy. 

[Keith]

Hi TTL, I think you create a strong visual with this one, I did not see the Catholic church connection I only saw the butterfly. For me it stands on its own but I could see the blush question working on two levels as pointed out previously, I would also like to say the use of the word flittering is inspired, it describes the action spot on and is such an underused word, thanks Keith