haiku attempt

[Merrikay]

Haha, thanks! I think I got it right.

Drifting incense
Bells whisper and sigh
Luminous moon

I spent a ridiculous amount of time on this?

Incense permeates
The rain, bells tinkle and sigh;;
Tell me my future

[billy]

for me it's a bit more senryu than haiku

carry a pen and paper and just right gratuitous lines down. after a week see how many quick ones you can come up with

i can't figure out how they tell you your future?

[Merrikay]

Haha, and I thought I was being too obvious! It's about someone visiting gypsy to have their fortune told, and rain was my season word, spring. Oh well, I tried.

[just mercedes]

Incense and bells give me a temple, and I'm stretching to see a gypsy there! Nice evocation of scent and sound though.

[Magpie]

Incense permeates
The rain, bells tinkle and sigh;;
Tell me my future

It has got some interesting possibilities and the individual concrete images are easy to imagine. I agree with Billy that it feels more like a senryu, especially now we know there is a human element to it. Don't worry too much about sticking to the 5-7-5 syllable structure it's more about the snapshot of a moment so in many ways the least amount of words that it's possible to do it with is best.

Just using all the elements that you've got here it could be arranged something like,

bells and incense
fortune teller sighs -
thunderstorm (or 'raindrops sound' or something similar)

So this way it has still got your images and kind of implies what I think you were getting at and there is an element of humour in there which is in a lot of senryu. See what you think.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[Merrikay]

@ambrosial oh, now I like that that arrangement. snapshot of the moment, that concept just clicked, hm
Thanks Mercedes, I see your point, thinking about bells and incense now bring monks to mind.
just for the record, I was picturing a gypsy caravan, belled curtains, incense, crystal balls..XD
Is it okay to post revisions in the same day? Or is that breaking the rule of one poem in critique forums? Is this a critique forum?! Btw, I appreciate the comments, I see that's its senryu now, more about humans than the natural world..

[ellajam]

@ambrosial oh, now I like that that arrangement. snapshot of the moment, that concept just clicked, hm
Thanks Mercedes, I see your point, thinking about bells and incense now bring monks to mind.
just for the record, I was picturing a gypsy caravan, belled curtains, incense, crystal balls..XD
Is it okay to post revisions in the same day? Or is that breaking the rule of one poem in critique forums? Is this a critique forum?! Btw, I appreciate the comments, I see that's its senryu now, more about humans than the natural world..

This is a critical forum although we need to make that clearer, I myself just found that out recently.

The one a day rule does not apply to edits, only to new threads. Feel free to post edits on as many pieces as you want when they are ready.

[Merrikay]

Thanks for the info!

[Merrikay]

tried to get a better, (maybe) original image. worse? Better? I can't tell...
Bells and incense
Candlelight on yellowed cards,
Thunder crash

Incense permeates
The rain, bells tinkle and sigh;;
Tell me my future

[just mercedes]

tried to get a better, (maybe) original image. worse? Better? I can't tell...

Bells and incense
Candlelight on yellowed cards,
Thunder crashes

Incense permeates
The rain, bells tinkle and sigh;;
Tell me my future

Hi - we try to post the edits above the original at the top of the thread so it's easy, for anyone reading, to see the changes.


Traditionally, basically, haiku try to contain three thoughts, one per line, the third one in some way joining or illustrating the other two with an unexpected juxtaposition of image. (or it can be the second and third line  that combine to contrast the first) That's why I hesitate with the enjambment between your first and second lines. The final line steps away from haiku as well, with a Narrator present and addressing either the reader, or the rain and bells etc. Also, 'future' is an abstract term, and haiku deal with  the concrete, observable world, usually. Also, no capital letters at the start of lines, and no punctuation. Some use a dash or tilde. Also, everything I've said here can be contradicted by examples. I've found though, that's it's easier to learn the rules first, before rejecting them, because then you know why you're doing it.

So I'd be looking for something like

rain brings incense
bells tinkle and sigh
distant thunder


but that's just me, and every reader will have a different take, and different advice. You'll learn to take on board only what you need.

It's great to see your energetic exploration of the site!

[billy]

i like the edit a heck of lot more queeni.

for me it sets up an image of a nepal temple in the mountains, if i had a piece of constructive feedback it would be to ask; [is and sigh] needed? good effort

Haha, thanks! I think I got it right.

Drifting incense
Bells whisper and sigh
Luminous moon

I spent a ridiculous amount of time on this?

Incense permeates
The rain, bells tinkle and sigh;;
Tell me my future

[Grace]

Haha, thanks! I think I got it right.

Drifting incense
Bells whisper and sigh
Luminous moon

I spent a ridiculous amount of time on this?

Incense permeates
The rain, bells tinkle and sigh;;
Tell me my future

The edit I love, especially luminous moon

[Magpie]

Before I forget to say it, the two things that I wished someone had told me when I first started writing haiku are, it's 

a one breath poem

that has an 'aha' moment

If I could go back in time this is what I would tell myself about writing haiku, elements like a season word and a cut are important but in my opinion not as important as those two points.

I like the way that this haiku is going, nice edits. I think the whole process that you're going through now with this haiku is amazing for your first haiku. My first haiku didn't have a fraction of the effort that you've put into this.
Also, I know it's really hard to get out of the habit of using capital letters and punctuation, but in short poems like this it usually isn't used. It can sometimes clutter and complicate things unnecessarily, good line breaks can usually imply how it is to be read. Sometimes a dash  - to indicate a cut is used if needed. Minimalism. Brevity. and the occasional frog or cherry blossom tree.

[Merrikay]

Thank you grace!

Thanks billy, I'll be thinking on it!

Ambrosial, thank you! Your description, of one breath, and a aha, along with everyone else's advice is starting to build a picture of what it should look like for me. I actually wasn't meanjng to capitalize, I'm writing from my phone, but I see there is importance in those details too now. I'll take more care in the future.