Untitled Insanity

[Merrikay]

*anxiously awaits helpful critique*

My weapon, a lie, insidious creeping.
I attack, her soul, her being.
Soon a doubt, a question raising,
What is truth, is she mistaking?
Fantasy holds such allure,
When her mind is so unsure.
She overlooks, her demons watch,
One step closer, she'll be lost.
Balanced on that tempting line,
Another thought, she'll soon be mine
No one hears her grievous plea,
As she sinks to insanity.

[DivineMsEmm]

I am not personally a fan of strict meter and rhyme, but I will address the imagery you've expressed here.
I typically critique line-by-line or every couple lines, so I'll dive right in.

My weapon, a lie, insidious creeping.
The lie is the weapon - very nice idea. The word insidious could be a bit much - when I hear that word I think of the movie because it's on tv so much right now. The idea of creeping is effective, because lies can creep in, or creep out of control without the speaker's knowledge - I can definitely see a lie creeping insidiously into someone's mind.

I attack, her soul, her being.
Here the first comma should be a colon or period, unless the speaker is the soul, the being. It is difficult to tell who the speaker is with this line.

Soon a doubt, a question raising,
What is truth, is she mistaking?
Fantasy holds such allure,
When her mind is so unsure.
This section is very abstract, and doesn't tell much about the speaker or the situation. The "she" is doubting, but what? Herself? if so, the reader needs a little more information - is she sweating? Are her eyes glossed over? I want to know more about who this person is, what about her is showing her uncertainty? What is the fantasy? What is it that brings her doubt?

She overlooks, her demons watch,
One step closer, she'll be lost.
Closer to what? The edge of what? Lost to whom? There is so much left to know that isn't offered, the reader wants to know about these characters: real, imagined, internal, external - all of them.

Balanced on that tempting line,
Another thought, she'll soon be mine
Who is the speaker? If Insanity is the speaker, it would spend more time taunting, not just waiting for her to fall to one side or the other - think of Insanity as a sadistic killer - it doesn't want the person to go easily, the sadist gets off on someone else's pain, taunting them to cause their own pain would be the perfect weapon.

No one hears her grievous plea,
As she sinks to insanity.
Who is she pleading to? Who is listening? Is anyone listening or even trying to offer help?

There is a great backstory here, and I want to know more about these characters.
I can feel a lot of emotion behind this piece, I think the speaker needs to really dig in, though, in order for the piece to make more sense to the reader - insanity is an abstract message, but there are many concrete images that can bring it to life. What does insanity look like? What kind of cereal does insanity eat for breakfast? Who does insanity call on the weekends? These are some questions to ask when trying to write from an abstract POV.

A good start here.

[poppoetry]

*anxiously awaits helpful critique*

My weapon, a lie, insidious creeping.    My weapon's a lie, creeping
I attack, her soul, her being.          attacks her soul and being
Soon a doubt, a questions raising,
What is truth, is she mistaking?                 is she mistaken?
Fantasy holds such allure,                            Minds fantasy holds allure
When her mind is so unsure.
She overlooks, her demons watch,           overlooked, her demons watch
One step closer, she'll be lost.
Balanced on that tempting line,                        balanced by that tempting line
Another thought, she'll soon be mine              soon she'll be mine
No one hears her grievous plea,
As she sinks to insanity.                                    sinks into insanity

this is with the benefit of hindsight so to speak and is just my personal preference to keep it short and sweet and punchy but the poem itself is a nice poem to do, a good subject and viewpoint but would read better if we got a better sense of manic urgency or despair, it reads a but like this is it so we accept it and move on, i'd prefer if we got a sense of desperation maybe.

thanks

poppoetry

[Merrikay]

DivineMsEmm

Thank you, you've given me some food for thought! In the second line, it was simply an ignorance of whether to use a comma/colon/period. I'm having problems trying to get away from the abstract and create solid imagery, it's a tad frustrating! Your questions really helped me to view it how a reader would

Poppoetry
I'm glad you like the subject! I can see how it'd be better if it made more of an impact, I'll work on it, thanks for your alteration, I would have never thought of forming it like that. I think I'll go read some more poetry and try to broaden my perspective..

[DivineMsEmm]

Hi there, it is my pleasure - it has taken me a lot of time and energy to write outside of the abstract - now I find myself almost too concrete - the trick is finding the happy medium, marrying the concrete and the abstract in a poetic way.

You have a great backstory here!

DivineMsEmm

Thank you, you've given me some food for thought! In the second line, it was simply an ignorance of whether to use a comma/colon/period. I'm having problems trying to get away from the abstract and create solid imagery, it's a tad frustrating! Your questions really helped me to view it how a reader would

Poppoetry
I'm glad you like the subject! I can see how it'd be better if it made more of an impact, I'll work on it, thanks for your alteration, I would have never thought of forming it like that. I think I'll go read some more poetry and try to broaden my perspective..

[billy]

the first line reads well enough but could do with better punctuation [i think]
My weapon is a lie; insidious, creeping.
same in the 2nd
I attack her soul, her being.

try not to use too many ing words, specially at the end of a line. raised
it could do with some fresh lines and less forced end rhymes.
watch and lost don't rhyme. some times poetry need not rhyme.
the first line could very well be

My weapon are insidious lies [just an idea to ponder.

*anxiously awaits helpful critique*

My weapon, a lie, insidious creeping.
I attack, her soul, her being.
Soon a doubt, a question raising,
What is truth, is she mistaking?
Fantasy holds such allure,
When her mind is so unsure.
She overlooks, her demons watch,
One step closer, she'll be lost.
Balanced on that tempting line,
Another thought, she'll soon be mine
No one hears her grievous plea,
As she sinks to insanity.

[Merrikay]

Yea, I wasn't sure how to write anything that even resembled poetry without rhyming, I'm starting to learn though. I was hoping nobody would notice lost and watch, haha. Thankfully I didn't waste too much time on rhyming, not that it's bad, I now have a total of maybe 10 poems I've written? I'm starting to understand what poetry is, and that a even rhyme, does NOT make it poetry. Thanks for the suggestions, I might leave this piece alone for awhile, I've learned so much in the short time I've been here, I think I can make a better start.

[clairethaoduong]

First of all, Well done! This is a really great poem. However there are still some rooms for improvement.
* As this poem is about mental sanity, I think that you do not have to be strict about meter and rhymes, as it brings about monotony. I feel that the poem needs some sort of striking, awe-inspiring lines to subtly depict the psychological hysteria.
* By this I mean USING more end-stops, comma to create faster pace and more exclamation mark to convey that intense feeling
( shorter lines would be ideal)
But that's just my opinion, but great title and poem! Good job

[Merrikay]

Thank you for the critique! I will definitly be working on the punctuation, the whole thing will probably be getting a rewrite. I'll be coming back to this one though, the subject matter is an interesting one. Welcome to the site!

[Quixilated]

Disclaimer: new to critique, proceed with caution.

1). Is Insanity the speaker?  Or is the speaker a person who merely wishes to render the girl insane? (Cue mental image of a villain with a sinister chuckle as he devises new psychological torments)  I could read it either way.  Personal preference is that it is Insanity personified.  Perhaps the title could be used to answer this question somehow. (examples Insanity's Triumph etc.  or if it's a person, then let's say for example it is meant to be a malicious boyfriend it could be titled "The player"  These aren't great titles, but it's just for illustration.)  This clues the reader in to who is wielding such a powerful falshood.  Or maybe a clue could be slid in somewhere else?  Or perhaps having the question answered is not important to the purpose of the story.  

2).  Now line by line, with punctuation or wording suggestions, in case you are in the market for some alternates.  However, if, like an overzealous fish monger, my wares stink, then feel free to toss them in the rubbish bin.  

*anxiously awaits helpful critique*

My weapon, a lie, insidious creeping.  ("My weapon? A lie etc."  Or "My weapon: a lie  etc." to create a dramatic pause between weapon and lie.)

I attack, her soul, her being.  ("I attack her soul, her being." first comma unnecessary.  Or "Attacks her soul, her fragile being.")  (Or instead of "fragile" maybe a word to clue us into why the speaker dislikes her soul and wants to break it?  For example if the speaker is disgusted by her innocence it could be "gentle being"  etc.)

Soon a doubt, a question raising,
What is truth, is she mistaking?
Fantasy holds such allure,
When her mind is so unsure.

She overlooks, her demons watch,  (I had to read this line a few times to see that "overlooks" implied she is standing on a precipice about to fall ... at first I read it that she was missing something, like "overlooking a key piece of information"  Is there another way to say this to make the image clear immediately?  Or Possibly switch the second two lines with these. "Balanced ... Another ... overlooks ... one step ..."  Then we read the part about balancing on the line first, which is what clued me in to what, specifically,  she is overlooking.)
 
One step closer, she'll be lost.
Balanced on that tempting line,
Another thought, she'll soon be mine
No one hears her grievous plea,

As she sinks to insanity. (options:   "She has succumbed to insanity." "she has embraced insanity" again that would be if Insanity is speaking. "She plummets to insanity" more dramatic.)

Sorry, I'll stop now.  Your toys are fun to play with.    I really like this poem, it gives me the same feeling as a picture of a crumbling abandoned castle shouded in mist.  Dramatic and mysterious and a little dangerous.  

[Merrikay]

Haha, it's a nice critique, made me think from yet another perspective, and I like your suggestions! Thanks for taking the time to read, and welcome to the site.

[tectak]

First of all, Well done! This is a really great poem. However there are still some rooms for improvement.
* As this poem is about mental sanity, I think that you do not have to be strict about meter and rhymes, as it brings about monotony. I feel that the poem needs some sort of striking, awe-inspiring lines to subtly depict the psychological hysteria.
* By this I mean USING more end-stops, comma to create faster pace and more exclamation mark to convey that intense feeling
( shorter lines would be ideal)
But that's just my opinion, but great title and poem! Good job  

All is opinion but please, and it is your decision, avoid exclamation marks. If the words are  chosen to be exclamatory in their  intent by meaning, exclamation marks are  an insult to the perceptive reader. This is not to in any way diminish the value of the  critique...just to offer a "just saying" which I believe is modern parlance for "excuse my opinion". As a comment on the piece I find myself agreeing that "intensity" can  be increased  by shorter  lines, as long as you make each line count.
Best,
tectak

[yilmazp90]

Love the shirt, love the poem. The best thing about this poem is that it confused me and i'm going to spend the next 10 minutes reading it and interpreting it, and that is appropriate to the title of the poem. I feel that there could be one more line at the end that is a question which would reincorporate the feeling of being unsure as you said "when her mind is so unsure". Although, i see why you wanted to conclude the poem in quite a dark, and therefore powerful (amirite?), way. "Balanced on that tempting line," i sort of think this contradicts the explanation of this person's unstable mind. I don't see why it shouldn't be "unbalanced on that tempting line" - which suggests a bad ending that could add power to the ending you chose. One last criticism is the choice of word "grevious" in "grevious plea". I think it's simply the wrong word. Grevious is simply put, severe and a serious state of being. It could very well work if you replaced "plea" but they don't work too well together and i think that line can really be good.

But, i'm going to read it a few more times and maybe give you a bit more detailed feedback.