Sonnet Thingy About Love

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Found the sonnet practice thread, and i vowed to write a freaking sonnet. Just didn't turn out too good. This is my first real attempt at any sort of meter or rhyming scheme, so that's most what i was focusing on. Afraid the actual words don't make much sense...



My love for thee you do not dare compare.
So who is it that I love, if not you?
This confusion is such that I can’t bear.
You don’t love me, so if not you then who?
This is not pain more than a sense of dread,
for the next time your name comes up…JUST STOP!
Your face rattles around inside my head,
for everything else you must have just caught.
The friends, the music and even the math,
is gone in place of just a dumb young girl.
Oh God I feel I need to take a bath.
If I don’t calm I think I may just hurl.
I have to think of something that's not you,
I have to think of something that’s not blue.

[poppoetry]

it fits with the rhyming scheme so the first hurdle is completed for a sonnet, it makes sense to me and isn't a mad jumble of words, I've made some suggested edits but overall I like this poem, it works and is a good attempt, it needs some work on the story and rhythm but overall it works for me.

Found the sonnet practice thread, and i vowed to write a freaking sonnet. Just didn't turn out too good. This is my first real attempt at any sort of meter or rhyming scheme, so that's most what i was focusing on. Afraid the actual words don't make much sense...



My love for thee you do not dare compare.
So who is it that I love, if not you?
This confusion is such that I can’t bear. My confusion[b][/b]
You don’t love me, so if not youthen then who?
This is not pain more than a sense of dread,
for the next time your name comes up…JUST STOP!.
Your face rattles around inside my head,
for everything else you must have just caught. trying to keep to rhyming scheme, doesn,t work here for me
The friends, the music and even the math,
is gone in place of just a dumb young girl.
Oh God I feel I need to take a bath.
If I don’t calm I think I may just hurl. If I don't calm down
I have to think of something that's not you,
I have to think of something that’s not blue.

[QDeathstar]

Found the sonnet practice thread, and i vowed to write a freaking sonnet. Just didn't turn out too good. This is my first real attempt at any sort of meter or rhyming scheme, so that's most what i was focusing on. Afraid the actual words don't make much sense...
My love for thee you do not dare compare.
So who is it that I love, if not you?
This confusion is such that I can’t bear.
You don’t love me, so if not you then who?
This is not pain more than a sense of dread,
for the next time your name comes up…JUST STOP!
Your face rattles around inside my head,
for everything else you must have just caught.
The friends, the music and even the math,
is gone in place of just a dumb young girl.
Oh God I feel I need to take a bath.
If I don’t calm I think I may just hurl.
I have to think of something that's not you,
I have to think of something that’s not blue.

I don't know... I mean it doesn't say a whole lot... and the only sense I can make out of "something that's not blue" is that you needed something to rhyme with you.

how bout ending it with a quote "here comes a lie, we will always be true"... seems more fitting.

I agree that stop and caught don't work, mainly because none of your other rhymes are slant rhymes and so it's glaringly out of place.

my love for thee? Who says thee anymore. I don't think talking strangely adds value to the peice
I'm not qualified to judge meter, as I just can't grasp the concept....

[Leanne]

Hi, I've addressed this in the practice thread, but don't despair -- it takes guts to even make an attempt, and you're not all that far off.

[Merrikay]

I can sort of see where you're going with it, but it seems you were really focused on the rhyming, which lessened the meaning for me. As someone mentioned, the "thee" feels really out of place compared to the rest of the piece. Some of your word choices do give me some feels though, frustration, haha. I could be way off, just my two cents.

[ellajam]

Found the sonnet practice thread, and i vowed to write a freaking sonnet. Just didn't turn out too good. This is my first real attempt at any sort of meter or rhyming scheme, so that's most what i was focusing on. Afraid the actual words don't make much sense...



My love for thee you do not dare compare.
So who is it that I love, if not you?
This confusion is such that I can’t bear.
You don’t love me, so if not you then who?
This is not pain more than a sense of dread,
for the next time your name comes up…JUST STOP!
Your face rattles around inside my head,
for everything else you must have just caught.
The friends, the music and even the math,
is gone in place of just a dumb young girl.
Oh God I feel I need to take a bath.
If I don’t calm I think I may just hurl.
I have to think of something that's not you,
I have to think of something that’s not blue.

So, can I assume you are aiming for IP? If so, I think you're having a problem I often have, poetic wishful thinking.

Are you saying So WHO is IT that I love, IF not YOU? I can say it like that, but I would not naturally. I would say. so WHO is it THAT i LOVE if not YOU? If you use more multisyllabic words it may be easier not to fall into that. Take "The friends, the music and even the math,"
The friends, the music, even the math,
is iambic, just short a foot.

I hope you continue to work at this, for me it has been a fun and interesting journey with frequent pitfalls and an occasional triumph. I enjoyed the girl/hurl rhyme.