Can I Please Love You? REVISION

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Not sure how I feel about parts of this revision...I like parts and just don't know about parts. Thanks for the feedback!!

New Title: Stranger, What's Wrong?

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are
my first .
I want to know what is wrong but...
your friend tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were fine now,
but should I really believe that?
You didn't believe me,
but I was lying.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
I know you don't love me.
But I love you.

Let me.


ORIGINAL
You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

[QDeathstar]

I like the last line of the first version better than the last few lines of the second.

I think that the first stanza of the second version is more effective than the first, and I think the second stanza of the first version is more effective than the second.

[nightKnight]

I think the first stanza of your revision is better than the first, the structure flows much better.
I prefer the original second stanza to the revision, the second line in particular

You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?

I feel is much better than the revision's becuase it implies a lot more regarding the narrative of the story.
I also agree with the other poster that your last line in your original is a lot more powerful than the revision edit.

In all though, nice poem, i like the tone of it.

[xyroph]

Not sure how I feel about parts of this revision...I like parts and just don't know about parts. Thanks for the feedback!!

New Title: Stranger, What's Wrong?

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are
my first .
I want to know what is wrong but...
your friend tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were fine now,   A little confused about the tense here, you said you were fine (past tense) now (present tense)
but should I really believe that?
You didn't believe me,
but I was lying.     Not sure what you're referring to here, this line seems sort of out of place
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,                               
but I like you, like that.    I love the use of italics here, very effective
I know you don't love me.
But I love you.

Let me.    

This piece really illustrates the anxiety that can result from not having closure. And with the implied youth (drunk in class) it seems so full of longing and desperation. Especially the ending, I really love how you ended it. 

The piece really works with its brevity, but I'd love examples of how the lover's behavior contrasts with how they were before the rift formed between them. How do you know whats normal for them? What is it that you're longing for? I'm always full of questions, but as I said in regards to length, many pieces are better left to suggest questions rather than revealing all.

[DeakinDeakin]

I think that this is a powerful exposition of a scenario that most people have experienced in their life. It could be further developed to cover the inevitable fact that the person in question is extremely unlikely to allow the protagonist to love them.

I am not sure I believe that the character got a tattoo. Also, I instinctively feel that good writing should implicitly demonstrate emphasis rather than rely on italics. That said, I have very little knowledge of the proper form in this regard (if indeed there is one). I also agree with the other comments about the tense being confusing.

The title maybe seems a bit obvious and I am not sure it encapsulates the sentiment.

All told though the sentiment and tone are well done, and it makes for an interesting read, that also evokes memories of my school life.

Thanks for sharing and best wishes. Deakin

[Achebe]

I'm with Qdeath here...why not replace the weak 'Let me' with the 'Will you let...' of the original? More restless, more angsty.

[ThatsNotFennel]

Not sure how I feel about parts of this revision...I like parts and just don't know about parts. Thanks for the feedback!!

New Title: Stranger, What's Wrong?

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are
my first .
I want to know what is wrong but...
your friend tells me this is normal.

This is not normal. Your use of italics is great, how about we include the "not" here?

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were fine now,
but should I really believe that? Way too wordy. Why not just "I don't believe you"?
You didn't believe me,
but I was lying.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. Line-break after the comma would generate more momentum to match the first "like that."
I know you don't love me. The following two lines should be their own stanza. This is your final draw of power before the ending.
But I love you.

Let me. This should be "Let me?" The question mark conveys the desperation the rest of the piece works hard at.


ORIGINAL
You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

Some really good moments here. I'm not a big fan of the ellipses but I couldn't think of a better alternative so I suppose you should keep them. The power in this piece is that it feels real and it generates force throughout, but please do not end this on a statement. It needs a question after the buildup so that the reader leaves with the desperation the poem speaks to.

Thanks,
ThatsNotFennel

[samyarb]

I like the concept and I think many people can relate to it. However, it was hard to tell what tense you were using at times. I also got a little confused at reading the line "you didn't believe me,  but I was lying". It's a little confusing and doesn't flow right with the rest of it.