Parrots

[Weeded]

Parrots

Edit 1:

Baby blue borders met with sunflower yellow.
Newspaper clippings met with water bottles.
Master feeds, admires shortly then leaves
it be. It doesnt wonder about freedom,
or how it feels to use its wings.
Bred in captivity;
perhaps why it sits
when it should fly.

Perhaps its like a cat, half domesticated,
half animal. Not fit for a home, not fit
for the wild. Caught in the depression
we humans project. Unaware of its ability
to sing a song in piercing highs and resonant
lows. If it knew it were trapped it would stage escape
attempts every moment doors open to the cage.

It doesn't wish what it doesn't know.
All it knows is water tastes, and food tastes good.
If only it knew what wings were for,
or its origin versus where its really stored.
You can't blame ignorance,
and in this case, can't call it bliss.
You can only hope. Only hope...
Forever trapped inside me, this parrot remains.

Original

Parrots

Baby blue borders met with sunflower yellow
belies beauty in it's subtle chirp and vibrant
coat. Only useful to eyes of admiration;
lack of freedom more depressing than ignorance
to purpose. Equilibrium effervesces
to the point it's bubble bursts. Perhaps the reason
why it simply just sits and chirps, when it should fly.

Yet it could never fathom what's beyond its home.
Perhaps it wouldn't last if given the sweet chance
to roam. So there it sits, it's subtle chirp shall ring
this home. Unaware that it has the potential
to sing a song in piercing highs and resonant
lows. If it knew it were trapped it would stage escape
attempts every moment doors open to the cage.

It can't help but not wonder how it'd feel to fly.
It's mind so wrapped around feeding time like addicts
of the pipe, wherein it's mind settles for lesser
qualities of life. But sadly you can't blame it,
you can only hope that one day its mind untames
and truly sees life rather than that cooped up cage.
Forever trapped inside me, this parrot remains.

[ellajam]

Hi, Weeded,I think this one suffers from being a little too florid. I'll line by line the opening to give you some idea of my confusion.

Parrots

Baby blue borders met with sunflower yellow With the line below, too many Bs for me, I'd prefer a change out of Baby for Pale or something similar, a nice image, though.
belies beauty in it's subtle chirp and vibrant I don't understand why L1 belies the beauty of L 2  
coat. Only useful to eyes of admiration; Here "admiring eyes" would sound more natural. I can see you working on making your breaks more meaningful but you are doing what I tend to do, sacrificing the meaning and sense of the whole for it. Coat only makes sense on the next line if it means something there - been there, done that.
lack of freedom more depressing than ignorance
to purpose. Equilibrium effervesces of purpose? Are you meaning something else? I haven't gotten a sense of equilibrium until you mentioned it.
to the point it's bubble bursts. Perhaps the reason
why it simply just sits and chirps, when it should fly.

Yet it could never fathom what's beyond its home.
Perhaps it wouldn't last if given the sweet chance
to roam. So there it sits, it's subtle chirp shall ring
this home. Unaware that it has the potential
to sing a song in piercing highs and resonant
lows. If it knew it were trapped it would stage escape
attempts every moment doors open to the cage.

It can't help but not wonder how it'd feel to fly.
It's mind so wrapped around feeding time like addicts
of the pipe, wherein it's mind settles for lesser
qualities of life. But sadly you can't blame it,
you can only hope that one day its mind untames
and truly sees life rather than that cooped up cage.
Forever trapped inside me, this parrot remains.

So, you can see that S1 was just too much for me, I read through the first time but since then I just get stopped at the beginning. I'll give the rest a go later.

[milo]

Parrots

Baby blue borders met with sunflower yellow
belies beauty in it's subtle chirp and vibrant
coat. Only useful to eyes of admiration;
lack of freedom more depressing than ignorance
to purpose. Equilibrium effervesces
to the point it's bubble bursts. Perhaps the reason
why it simply just sits and chirps, when it should fly.

Yet it could never fathom what's beyond its home.
Perhaps it wouldn't last if given the sweet chance
to roam. So there it sits, it's subtle chirp shall ring
this home. Unaware that it has the potential
to sing a song in piercing highs and resonant
lows. If it knew it were trapped it would stage escape
attempts every moment doors open to the cage.

It can't help but not wonder how it'd feel to fly.
It's mind so wrapped around feeding time like addicts
of the pipe, wherein it's mind settles for lesser
qualities of life. But sadly you can't blame it,
you can only hope that one day its mind untames
and truly sees life rather than that cooped up cage.
Forever trapped inside me, this parrot remains.

A couple notes:

1.  "Go in fear of abstraction"

abstractions are nouns that could not be painted on a canvas. "admiration, freedom, ignorance, purpose, equilibrium" - they ruin good poetry.

2.  "Use no superfluous word, no adjective, which does not reveal something."

every adjective or "modification" if referring to phrases should do more than describe a scene, in poetry it should point its way to the central metaphor.  If it is not doing double duty, consider removing it entirely.

Think of a phrase like "sweet chance to roam" - the word "sweet" lessens what you want to say immensely, trust your reader to feel the longing of the prisoner.

3.  "Don’t be “viewy”—leave that to the writers of pretty little philosophic essays. Don’t be descriptive; remember that the painter can describe a landscape much better than you can, and that he has to know a deal more about it. "

Kind of a continuation but even more.  Poet's don't paint landscapes with words just for pretty landscapes, they /must/ reveal something more.

* All suggestions courtesy of Ezra Pound:

here

[billy]

the parrot: be the parrot, don't let the parrot become you.

it can't help but not wonder how it'd feel to fly?
what exactly does the above line try to say?

Yet it could never fathom what's beyond its home.
yet isn't needed but the real question is...why would it want to. it's a bird. lines like the above add little to a poem.

and get rid of as many abstractions as you can [see milo's post]


this
to sing a song in piercing highs and resonant
lows.

this line is worth reading, the line break adds an extra dimension; aim as hi as this and braveyt chop away everything that doesn't come up to this benchmark.

[Weeded]

Hello all,
Thank you for the feedback! I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone on this one. I tried to find a central metaphor and build something on that, looks like its back to the drawing board!

Ella,
Florid is definitely an accurate word to describe this piece. I think im going to rewrite it completely in order to avoid it coming off that way. Thanks for the pointers!

Milo,
I read that link, good stuff. I've been studying Ezras works lately so I hope that shows in the next edit. Thanks for the exposure.

Billy,
Thanks for the feedback. Be the parrot... Be the parrot... Be the parrot... Haha I totally get what you mean though. I'm going to keep trying with this one but I think I'm going to take on a new approach in the next edit.

Thanks all for the feedback!

[Weeded]

Bump.

[aschueler]

Since you bumped this...

Nice edits to this version.  My first read prompted these thoughts...I can't quote correctly as on an iPad.

1.  The lines ."Master feeds, admires shortly then leaves//
it be..." Don't work for me, too abrupt.  The word master doesn't seem to fit for one thing, I can't get a cheesy old vampire movie out of my head with a character saying "the master will kill you for this!".  The line break seems to interrupt where it ought not.



2. " Perhaps its like a cat, half domesticated,
half animal". This also seems odd, nonpoetic perhaps, verbose certainly.  Perhaps semi-tame, or half tame?  Then assume the other half.  Also, domesticated/ animal isn't really a dichotomy.


More later, it's great potential there