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I don't really deal in meter all that much; it usually just gives me headaches. But I decided to challenge myself with this one. Definitely I think the meter needs polishing, and also comment on the efficacy of the metric aside in the last two stanzas if your so inclined.
Fever Prayer
I danced around the fringes of
depression in the road; I sailed.
My soul spun in a circle dance,
the moon's cadenza twirl.
The trees across the road were turned
a centrifugal way.
Cold spheres condensed into my palms
and chest; old pewter globes that I
would pull towards my heart so I
might faster whirl in step.
The whisper cracks in asphalt spun
kaleidoscopically.
Astrology dissatisfies,
but still...
the sun was my core and
my freckles constellations,
until the light dissolved.
-"You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."
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in general meter is meter, if you don't have a constant one i can't see it as being true meter. that said. there's always exception to any rule [probably] including meter. the last two create a problem for being to heavy word-wise. if you're going to discard meter it shouldn't matter removing an odd syllable. i have to be totally honest and say i'm struggling to get into it. i see a native american kind of feel to it but as i say, i'm struggling to make it work
(06-08-2015, 01:29 PM)Animal Riots Activist Wrote: I don't really deal in meter all that much; it usually just gives me headaches. But I decided to challenge myself with this one. Definitely I think the meter needs polishing, and also comment on the efficacy of the metric aside in the last two stanzas if your so inclined.
Fever Prayer
I danced around the fringes of the [of] where it is feels forced for the meter
depression in the road; I sailed. it reads awkwardly for me. would [depressions] add anything?
My soul spun in a circle dance,
the moon's cadenza twirl.
The trees across the road were turned
a centrifugal way.
Cold spheres condensed into my palms
and chest; old pewter globes that I
would pull towards my heart so I
might faster whirl in step.
The whisper cracks in asphalt spun two spuns is too much spunning
kaleidoscopically.
Astrology dissatisfies,
but still...
the sun was my core and
my freckles constellations,
until the light dissolved.
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Greetings Fellow Poet:
Your meter is pretty well solid, after re reading "Fever Prayer" and the reviews on it. I find that the only thing it may need correcting is in the last stanza. It could flow a little better if it were like this:
You wrote:
the sun was my core and
my freckles constellations
until the light dissolved.
How would this sound?
the sun was in my core and so
my freckles constellations shone
until the light dissolved away.
Just a thought. Overall great read!
Thanks for sharing
Forestdawn
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hello Animal Riots-
After reading through a couple of times I noticed the near haiku in the last three lines. Since you desired comment on meter, I thought that I'd start there, though my comment is really more about syllable count than meter.
You could achieve a classic haiku (5-7-5 syllable count) in the final 3 lines by dropping "and" in the third from last line, and "the" in the final line. No damage done to the poem.
From the top...
In S.1 I'd drop "I sailed". To me it messes with the dancing.
I love the "centrifugal way" of S.2 when I pronounce "centrifugal" correctly.
S.3/L.2 : I'd probably lose "and chest"...
S.4/L1. : I'd change "spun" to "spin", to go better with "whisper". Besides, I spotted a better "spun" in S.1, and another one, is one "spun" too many. Thinking about it more, S.4 is a bit of a clumsy bridge now that I killed "astrology..." and perhaps it might still work at the very end (using "spinning" instead of "spun").
You are quite right that "astrology dissatisfies", and I was dissatisfied as well. Enough so that I'd cut it along with "but still".
The ending I already addressed, although (if I followed my own suggestion) I'd have it ending with "kaleidoscopically".
I hope that all makes some sense. I quite enjoyed this piece, and it has enough musicality to it that I wouldn't get too stressed about the meter.
...Mark
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Joined: May 2015
Thank you all for the comments. It seems my main problem was intentionally breaking meter, which functioned did not function as I intended at all. I've been tooling around with it, and what would people think about changing the meter of those last two stanzas (from 'the sun was my...' down) into either trochees or anapests? I definitely want it to be sectioned off from the rest of the poem metrically, clearly dropping meter entirely doesn't function well.
As for individual comments, Billy: two spuns is definitely too much spinning. And it seems both you and mark had the same idea to make the last stanza into a haiku, but I'm definitely going to have to overhaul there, and still I think dropping the meter there is too jarring.
Forest: I definitely appreciate the re tooling of the last stanza, and I'll have to work on it some more, but your comments are very helpful to that effect.
Mark: The idea to put the last stanza into haiku is a nice one, but I'll need to do more work on it myself. Your in depth comments are a great help, thanks!
I'm going to have to sit with this one for a while longer before I edit it, but I definitely appreciate yalls help!
-Em
-"You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."
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Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hello again Riots-
Reading your reply, I would suggest against anapests at the end of this one, because of the "pedaling" effect they have: ba-da-boom, ba-da-boom, ba-da-boom. Anapests will put things in motion just as they're coming to rest. (I hope that makes sense).
I very much like your idea of changing meter so that the ending is "sectioned off", as you say. That will require establishing meter strong enough to create different sections. Just be prepared to have a meter change pointed out. I did the meter shift with a poem of mine (to indicate two voices), and got really blasted for it. That said, I believe that meter shifting can be a fantastic poetic device when it has a purpose. Just be prepared for cries against cleverness.
All in all, I really enjoy this poem, and I'm glad that you are standing back from it for a little while, before polishing it off.
Good luck, my friend!
... Mark
