I knew surburban civil servant

[poppoetry]

another poem to submit, this is based on actual experience, this is something I loved doing and see it as a more normal poem for me to do, again its full of flaws but would love some tips on how to make it better, I struggled with the rhyming style and how long/short to make lines, I love the general idea of the piece but structure has been a problem, thanks for any contribution and again don't be shy to be blunt and truthful.




51. I knew a suburban civil servant.

By Michael P O’Shaughnessy

Paul sits in the far corner every day.
His neat desk there, all tidy'd away.
Coat stand waits, naked there.
Paul catches the 7.40 from Surbiton, he's on his way.

Waterloo bridge sees the masses come.
O'er the Thames they stride in unison.
Paul Walks, a faceless man, his day in front.
A Senior civil servant, he has a proud mum.

Four of us working together in this space,
I'm the junior one, here to do as they say.
Paul's here again, he's the senior man.
In from Surbiton, another year along.

We make small talk about train delays.
The weather today and cricket in play.
Paul, I find out later, lives all alone.
Still in Surbiton, close to his mom.

A funny shaped man, I found him a very peculiar guy.
Loves wine and cheese, does fine dine.
Always immaculate, tidy and neat.
England of yesteryear, that stiff upper lip.

Follows protocol and would never deviate.
Felt his letters are so important, he'd dictate.
A sense of aristocratic stature in this room.
Back in suburbia, all alone, he has his mom.

I tried to get to know him, to have a chat.
Talk about mundane matters, this and that.
It never worked, he just went all cold.
I was too young, he was too old.

I often think to myself, what about Paul?.
Did he stay going o'er that bridge, summer and fall.
He must be retired now and still at home.
All alone in Surbiton, mum now gone.

© poppoetry 2015.

[Observer]

I can see what you mean about the structure having problems. I think that the root of some of the problems is your struggle to find rhyming words, thus creating lines that really serve no purpose. From the looks of things, you've been attempting to use lines with nine syllables but often have lines that are too short or long due to excess information. For example:

Paul sits in the far corner every day. - Cutting this line down to nine syllables rather than ten matches the line below.
His neat desk there, all tidy'd away. - I believe the word you're looking for is 'tidied'.
Coat stand waits, naked there. - This whole line needs some revising. Try to add something to this so it fits the rhythm.
Paul catches the 7.40 from Surbiton, he's on his way. - As with the above, this line just doesn't fit. It's much too long, and provides information the reader doesn't need.

I'm not going to go through the rest of the poem because I'm already looking too in-depth at it. However, I wonder if the poem would be more effective without any mention of Surbiton (or for that matter any locations)? I know the poem is personal to you, but 'Surbiton' doesn't rhyme well and seems to be a source of a fair few structural issues. Besides, I'm British and I had to look Surbiton up to find out it existed. If you chose not to mention any place names in the poem, you may find yourself being less restricted - and the reader will be able to connect more with the poem and its message.
One more nitpick: The use of both 'mum' and 'mom'. The poem is set in England, so naturally I'd go for 'mum' but please don't use both.

[poppoetry]

I can see what you mean about the structure having problems. I think that the root of some of the problems is your struggle to find rhyming words, thus creating lines that really serve no purpose. From the looks of things, you've been attempting to use lines with nine syllables but often have lines that are too short or long due to excess information. For example:

Paul sits in the far corner every day. - Cutting this line down to nine syllables rather than ten matches the line below.
His neat desk there, all tidy'd away. - I believe the word you're looking for is 'tidied'.
Coat stand waits, naked there. - This whole line needs some revising. Try to add something to this so it fits the rhythm.
Paul catches the 7.40 from Surbiton, he's on his way. - As with the above, this line just doesn't fit. It's much too long, and provides information the reader doesn't need.

I'm not going to go through the rest of the poem because I'm already looking too in-depth at it. However, I wonder if the poem would be more effective without any mention of Surbiton (or for that matter any locations)? I know the poem is personal to you, but 'Surbiton' doesn't rhyme well and seems to be a source of a fair few structural issues. Besides, I'm British and I had to look Surbiton up to find out it existed. If you chose not to mention any place names in the poem, you may find yourself being less restricted - and the reader will be able to connect more with the poem and its message.
One more nitpick: The use of both 'mum' and 'mom'. The poem is set in England, so naturally I'd go for 'mum' but please don't use both.

Thanks for the suggestion, you're 100% correct, I never thought of taking out Surbiton but now it seems obvious, structure is problematic ok and I'll take in your suggestions and revise, I'll try and restrict the amount of syllables I use and stick to it, I now see how to develop a poem and thanks.

[10F1renegade]

Hello there. I'm brand new to critiquing poetry so take my (blunt) feedback lightly, I guess! Tbh, I'm more of a grammar Nazi than poet, but I do want feedback on my poem so...

Paul sits in the far corner every day.
His neat desk there, all tidy'd away. a neat desk that's been tidied is basically saying the same thing; perhaps make this "desk of Paul's" sound more interesting
Coat stand waits, naked there. every last word rhymes but this one, oddly
Paul catches the 7.40 from Surbiton, he's on his way.

Waterloo bridge sees the masses come.
O'er the Thames, they stride in unison. going by the next stanza ("four of us") shouldn't it be "we stride"?
Paul walks, a faceless man, his day in front.
A Senior civil servant, he has a proud mum.

Four of us working together in this space, four... of whom?? who are the other three (or two if counting Paul)?
I'm the junior one, here to do as they say.
Paul's here again, he's the  senior man.
In from Surbiton, another year along. you already mentioned that he came in from Surbiton

We make small talk about train delays.
The weather today and cricket in play. nice flow from delays
Paul, I find out later, lives all alone.
Still in Surbiton, close to his mom.

A funny shaped man, I found him to be a very peculiar guy. you found him somebody? perhaps you could shorten this to "a funny shaped man; a very peculiar guy". don't be afraid to use the semi-colon! it can be very effective, and I find that it's made me a better writer all around
Loves wine and cheese, does fine dine.
Always immaculate, tidy and neat.
England of yesteryear, that stiff upper lip. these closing lines don't evoke the "strangeness" that's alluded to in the first line

Follows protocol and would never deviate.
Felt his letters are so important, that he'd dictate. be careful of mixing tenses. perhaps you meant "were so important" or "feels (that) his letters are important" and "he'll dictate".
A sense of aristocratic stature in this room. good description
Back in suburbia, all alone, he has his mom.

I tried to get to know him, to have a chat.
Talk about mundane matters, this and that.
It never worked, he just went all cold.
I was too young, he was too old.

I often think to myself, what about Paul?.
Did he stay going o'er that bridge, summer and fall.
He must be retired now and still at home. perhaps "stuck at home"?
All alone in Surbiton, mum now gone.

© poppoetry 2015.

It's a lot different to the kind of poems I would write, but you've done a fairly good job on telling a story of a civil servant's isolated existence. And I hope you're not offended by my critique! Cheers.

[poppoetry]

Thanks for the critique, it's funny how you see your own poems differently when its pulled apart by someone else, your comments make perfect sense and I couldn't disagree with any of them, the Surbiton thing is interesting because I know where it is and what it stands for I'm assuming my readers do also, the four of us working together in this space, in reality there were four of us there but I need to make it clear to my reader too..I'm very grateful for your comments and will make the changes to improve the poem which I'll post up soon, mum and mom is another obvious faux pas so a lot to think about, i'll certainly put my next poem together differently, thanks for taking the time and I'll look out for your work too.

poppoetry

Hello there. I'm brand new to critiquing poetry so take my (blunt) feedback lightly, I guess! Tbh, I'm more of a grammar Nazi than poet, but I do want feedback on my poem so...

Paul sits in the far corner every day.
His neat desk there, all tidy'd away. a neat desk that's been tidied is basically saying the same thing; perhaps make this "desk of Paul's" sound more interesting
Coat stand waits, naked there. every last word rhymes but this one, oddly
Paul catches the 7.40 from Surbiton, he's on his way.

Waterloo bridge sees the masses come.
O'er the Thames, they stride in unison. going by the next stanza ("four of us") shouldn't it be "we stride"?
Paul walks, a faceless man, his day in front.
A Senior civil servant, he has a proud mum.

Four of us working together in this space, four... of whom?? who are the other three (or two if counting Paul)?
I'm the junior one, here to do as they say.
Paul's here again, he's the  senior man.
In from Surbiton, another year along. you already mentioned that he came in from Surbiton

We make small talk about train delays.
The weather today and cricket in play. nice flow from delays
Paul, I find out later, lives all alone.
Still in Surbiton, close to his mom.

A funny shaped man, I found him to be a very peculiar guy. you found him somebody? perhaps you could shorten this to "a funny shaped man; a very peculiar guy". don't be afraid to use the semi-colon! it can be very effective, and I find that it's made me a better writer all around
Loves wine and cheese, does fine dine.
Always immaculate, tidy and neat.
England of yesteryear, that stiff upper lip. these closing lines don't evoke the "strangeness" that's alluded to in the first line

Follows protocol and would never deviate.
Felt his letters are so important, that he'd dictate. be careful of mixing tenses. perhaps you meant "were so important" or "feels (that) his letters are important" and "he'll dictate".
A sense of aristocratic stature in this room. good description
Back in suburbia, all alone, he has his mom.

I tried to get to know him, to have a chat.
Talk about mundane matters, this and that.
It never worked, he just went all cold.
I was too young, he was too old.

I often think to myself, what about Paul?.
Did he stay going o'er that bridge, summer and fall.
He must be retired now and still at home. perhaps "stuck at home"?
All alone in Surbiton, mum now gone.

© poppoetry 2015.

It's a lot different to the kind of poems I would write, but you've done a fairly good job on telling a story of a civil servant's isolated existence. And I hope you're not offended by my critique! Cheers.