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Oh, hello period.
We meet again.
You woke me in the middle of the night this time.
URGENT! EMERGENCY! DISASTER ALERT!
The way you knock painfully loud on my uterus, it’s all terribly unnecessary you know.
But I see you’re right on time.
I forgot your familiar sense of special pain.
The way you make your presence known makes my stomach churn.
The weight of your burden makes my back ache.
I have no other choice; I must drown myself in double chocolate, caramel chip, marshmallow peanut butter swirl ice-cream.
It’s tradition.
What I hate the most about your uninvited visits, Period, is not that you dress me like a slob.
Or even that you force me to tears over the last slice of pizza.
It has to be the painful reminder that I have not had sex for yet another month.
I believe that makes four and counting.
Mother Nature must have a cruel sense of humor sending you to torture and taunt me.
Never letting me forget that
I Am Barren.
Don’t you see that my womb could be full of love and life and joy?
That I am capable of so much more!
That my body could grow such a magnificent life!
Can’t you just see my womb has so much potential?
But sadly you inhabit it instead.
An ironic projection of my messy, painful life.
You know, I think I’m just going to curl up in bed until you are gone.
This unfruitful uterus is not much in the mood for houseguests.
When you’re done wreaking havoc, please just clean up after yourself and lock the door.
And make sure you leave a little trail of blood
In my tiny pink panties
So I don’t forget you,
Period.
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There were quite a few points while reading that I did a signature 'sharp exhale' (aka the Internet version of laughing), so bravo. The last two lines wrap the poem up succinctly and cleverly, with the double meaning of 'period'. I'd suggest using a full stop after "So I don't forget you" though, as it would give the final word even more impact.
I also think that 'uterus' probably only needed to be used once, in the sixth stanza. You make it clear that you're talking about your period in the first line, so the fifth line may benefit more from a metaphor that continues the theme of the CAPS part just before it - something about screaming with barely masked glee?
Aside from that, I'm really not sure what needs to be improved. I think you should probably take this whole comment with a pinch of salt to be honest!
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Hello staciamberdawn, quite a first offering. Welcome to the site!
I will do my best to give you feedback. I found this quite funny. It would make a great spoken piece, and that's sort of how I'm going to approach it. Here are some comments for you.
(06-06-2015, 08:03 AM)staciamberdawn Wrote: Oh, hello period. --As a first line I like the full stop of the period after the "period".
We meet again.
You woke me in the middle of the night this time.--You probably don't need this time. Though that's a very slight cut.
URGENT! EMERGENCY! DISASTER ALERT!--This might be a good place to consider inserting an image. I see the old lost in space robot flailing its vacuum arms sounding the alarm (but that's just me). It's a good sequence as you have it, but imagery might make it stronger and more memorable.
The way you knock painfully loud on my uterus, it’s all terribly unnecessary you know.
But I see you’re right on time.--Maybe foreshadow a little more emotional pain into this line.
I forgot your familiar sense of special pain.
The way you make your presence known makes my stomach churn.--condense it will make ice cream line pop more.
The weight of your burden makes or my back ache.
I have no other choice; I must drown myself in double chocolate, caramel chip, marshmallow peanut butter swirl ice-cream.--excellent expansive line with a great follow up line.
It’s tradition.
What I hate the most about your uninvited visits, Period, is not that you dress me like a slob.--Consider condensing again without so much lead up.
Or even that you force me to tears over the last slice of pizza.--perhaps first and last
It has to be the painful reminder that I have not had sex for yet another month.
I believe that makes four and counting.--I'm already stretching the amount of feedback I should be giving you in novice (a testament to how much I like your treatment of this). Condense again here.
Mother Nature must have a cruel sense of humor sending you to torture and taunt me.
Never letting me forget that
I Am Barren.
Don’t you see that my womb could be full of love and life and joy?
That I am capable of so much more!
That my body could grow such a magnificent life!
Can’t you just see my womb has so much potential?
But sadly you inhabit it instead.
An ironic projection of my messy, painful life.
You know, I think I’m just going to curl up in bed until you are gone.
This unfruitful uterus is not much in the mood for houseguests.
When you’re done wreaking havoc, please just clean up after yourself and lock the door.
And make sure you leave a little trail of blood
In my tiny pink panties
So I don’t forget you,
Period. --perfect ending and it works with the one word line full stop.
I stopped giving comments because of novice and because it's more of the same. I like what you're doing, but I think the poem would be stronger if you pared out a lot of the extra flourishes. You would still keep your voice and the humor.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Hello three name girl, welcome to the site.
Aha, the "Vagina Monologues" via menstruation.
The thing that really jumped out and confused me was the use of the word "barren". Although I understand it can have a meaning that is something akin to fallow, that is not the general connotation, nor the one that came to mind for me. Initially this caused me confusion as I took it to mean incapable of producing. Also it appeared the character was blaming her period for not having had sex for four months. However a painful period does not mean painful sex. Certainly if one was talking about large cysts (ovarian cysts) these can make sex painful all the time, but there was nothing to indicate that this was a condition of this character. So while I enjoyed the raging, it seemed somewhat unfounded. It could be she is the victim of a massive hormonal dump and this is what is making her somewhat hyperbolic in her language usage and irrational in the focus of her hate. This is quite understandable given the circumstances, however if such is true, it cannot be left unsaid, so in some subtle way, mention it; decent poems can be ruined by the lack of necessary contextual background. There are the means of a good poem here.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(06-06-2015, 01:02 PM)Erthona Wrote: Hello three name girl, welcome to the site.
Aha, the "Vagina Monologues" via menstruation.
The thing that really jumped out and confused me was the use of the word "barren". Although I understand it can have a meaning that is something akin to fallow, that is not the general connotation, nor the one that came to mind for me. Initially this caused me confusion as I took it to mean incapable of producing. Also it appeared the character was blaming her period for not having had sex for four months. However a painful period does not mean painful sex. Certainly if one was talking about large cysts (ovarian cysts) these can make sex painful all the time, but there was nothing to indicate that this was a condition of this character. So while I enjoyed the raging, it seemed somewhat unfounded. It could be she is the victim of a massive hormonal dump and this is what is making her somewhat hyperbolic in her language usage and irrational in the focus of her hate. This is quite understandable given the circumstances, however if such is true, it cannot be left unsaid, so in some subtle way, mention it; decent poems can be ruined by the lack of necessary contextual background. There are the means of a good poem here.
Best,
Dale Hey Dale,
Thanks for the feedback! Much appreciated 
I definitely understand your points, in the poem itself the reasoning for lack of intercourse and infertility are not expressed specifically. This is why I entitled the poem Endometriosis. This is a condition where tissue that typically grows inside the uterus, starts to grow outside the uterus. It's very painful, particularly during menstration and typically causes pain during sex and infertility. The piece is meant to be spoken by the woman in the throws of her period under pain and particularly hormonal rage like you mentioned.
I didn't want to divulge the details of the condition in the poem because being in that moment I felt the woman would not necessarily blame outright the condition but more so her body, her period for putting her in this position, etc. As women we're not necessarily known for our rationale during this time of the month :p I wanted a bit of subtlety
I hope that provides a little more insight for you
Thanks again,
Three name girl.
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(06-06-2015, 08:03 AM)staciamberdawn Wrote: Oh, hello period.
We meet again.
You woke me in the middle of the night this time.
URGENT! EMERGENCY! DISASTER ALERT!
The way you knock painfully loud on my uterus, it’s all terribly unnecessary you know.
But I see you’re right on time.
I forgot your familiar sense of special pain.
The way you make your presence known makes my stomach churn.
The weight of your burden makes my back ache.
I have no other choice; I must drown myself in double chocolate, caramel chip, marshmallow peanut butter swirl ice-cream.
It’s tradition.
What I hate the most about your uninvited visits, Period, is not that you dress me like a slob.
Or even that you force me to tears over the last slice of pizza.
It has to be the painful reminder that I have not had sex for yet another month.
I believe that makes four and counting.
Mother Nature must have a cruel sense of humor sending you to torture and taunt me.
Never letting me forget that
I Am Barren.
Don’t you see that my womb could be full of love and life and joy?
That I am capable of so much more!
That my body could grow such a magnificent life!
Can’t you just see my womb has so much potential?
But sadly you inhabit it instead.
An ironic projection of my messy, painful life.
You know, I think I’m just going to curl up in bed until you are gone.
This unfruitful uterus is not much in the mood for houseguests.
When you’re done wreaking havoc, please just clean up after yourself and lock the door.
And make sure you leave a little trail of blood
In my tiny pink panties
So I don’t forget you,
Period.
hello longname,
much has been said already but there are some quirky hints from others that may have passd you by...primarily, it is the inconsistency which I felt in the level of humour. I just cannot decide deliberate or accidental?
That second stanza would be stabilised in intent if you did not refer again to the anthropomorphic Period. It is an unecessary hiatus in the flow...sorry, I should rephrase that.
I did notice in your response to one crit that women were not given to "rationale" whilst menstruating, or words to that effect, and this minor misuse of the word "rationality" is interesting. In the poem I observe a rationale, an attempt to use logical statements in a very irrational state of mind. This is an interpretation of my own based upon years of observation and I could see it in your words. Some may disagree. Well they can fuck the hell off, you never did like my mother..if you get my drift
Best,
tectak
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Three name girl,
No, I see you are correct, while I knew about the tissue growth and the pain from endometriosis, I was unaware it could cause infertility and I thought it only happened at he time of the period: so the barren line confused me. My only question would be (and this out of simple curiosity) and I understand this poem is more geared towards female type persons, but do most woman have this depth of understanding of endometriosis? I do think your premiss is clever and maybe most of your target audience gets it. I also admire your bravery in taking on this subject with humor. Finally, I hope this character gets some treatment for this (I've read up on this since the last time), even though there is no cure. Seems to me that they should add MDMA to their list of drugs, it might help on the sex end of things, too bad it's illegal. Stupid government. Anyway, glad to have you on board. Look forward to future efforts.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Haha, I like your content! I might be wrong here, but the way the beginnings of your lines read are a little dull. We, you, I, the, but, what... See what I mean? A little predictable, I'd break up the starts of lines in a more original way like: "what I hate the most" hating the most... Or something. I hope that was helpful, I look forward to reading your revision!
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.
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Hello S.A.D.,
This is an amusing piece and I hope that is your intention. It is one way of dealing
with a serious and debilitating disease. At first your poem comes off as a sardonic diatribe
about menstruation in general (especially in your opening two and closing stanzas),
more than depicting the pain and suffering of a woman with endometriosis, as your midsections
indicate by alluding to infertility and the refrain from sexual activity (due to the pain I presume).
Overall it is nearly strict narrative and you really need to incorporate metaphor and simile.
This would create more interest and make this more poetic as opposed to prose-like.
I would also try to address the endometriosis better and not just the period. However,
the period references are the most entertaining part. Perhaps there are two poems in here:
1) The sarcastic ‘Period’ piece and 2) The tragic ‘Endometriosis’ poem.
Good luck with your next edit./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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