The Missing You: Reversion 1

[QDeathstar]

You've turned into a soulless crooked wretch.
Who knew that loving you was such a chore
'cause now I think you need a shank, here catch!
The path ahead is cumbersome and sore.

I took my time to find terrible truth .
I lost the light chasing torrential rain,
I found no hope in lessons learned in youth,
I've spent my moments alone buried in chain.

My pain is built in memories of you,
a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell.
was what we shared ever faithful and true?
who cares, fuck you, I can't pretend to tell.

I'd point to costs of karmas bought as why,
Remorse was faked the day after you died.





original

An ember in the flowing wind shown light,
A guide before the fade to nothing more,
did seem to drift to black and lack a fight.
The path ahead is cumbersome and sore.

I gave into despair last night, in truth.
I lost the light chasing torrential rain,
I found no hope in lessons learned in youth,
I looked for strength in thought - still real still sane.

My pain is built in memories of you,
a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell.
was what you showed ever faithful and true?
who cares, fuck you, I can't pretend to tell.

I'd point to costs of karma's got as why,
Remorse was faked the day after you died.




is the meter even close???????

[ellajam]

Well, I'm no meter expert but I think you're close enough to correct what's off without a total rewrite. There are some tripping points and some serious filler, especially in S1, I really enjoyed it after that. I'll put in a little more than usual for Novice because I think you'll have fun working on this.

An ember in the flowing wind shown light, Meter's fine here but shown is off in meaning.
A guide before the fade to nothing more, I think you could do more with "to nothing more".
did seem to drift to black and lack a fight. "did seem to" reads like filler.
The path ahead is cumbersome and sore. cumbersome is lovely but it seems odd to me to describe a path, I may be wrong here.

I gave into despair last night, in truth. GAVE INto read off to me, the same for LIGHT CHASing below.
I lost the light chasing torrential rain,
I found no hope in lessons learned in youth,
I looked for strength in thought - still real still sane.
comma after real, the poem takes on a personality in this stanza.

My pain is built in memories of you,
a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell.GHOST SUFfered
was what you showed ever faithful and true?SHOWED EVer
who cares, fuck you, I can't pretend to tell.CARES FUCK, but this one I think you get away with, fun line.

I'd point to costs of karma's got as why,I can't make sense of "got".
Remorse was faked the day after you died. DAY AFTer
I really like the couplet.




is the meter even close???????

I hope this helps a bit, just my 2 cents.

[Erthona]

Written in Iambic pentameter (more or less) An Elizabethan Sonnet

I concur with ella on all the feet of trochee you have, which she pointed out. Although it would be a hard case to make with the people I grew up with. The main troubling point is less in the meter and more in the line composition. Most of the lines tend to read a little stiffly due to syntactical and grammatical aberrations. To say it simply, the lines did not read as though natural.

Dale

[Merrikay]

"I gave into despair last night, in truth" The "in truth" seems like a filler to me, since the speaker already stated "I gave into despair last night"

I really like "a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell" that's such a powerful image to me.

-still real still sane- really threw off the rhythm for me. Is there suppose to be a comma between them!? I'm not sure of the proper punctuation, or if it needs any..

I don't understand what "I'd point to costs of karmas got as why" What's is a got?

In conclusion, it feels stiff, although I enjoyed a lot of the imagery.

[QDeathstar]

Karma's got was a new phrase developed over literally minutes of intense dawing a blank for a meter fitting word. It means the karma you have collected over a period of time. In lieu of doing something hard I think I'll add a few footnotes.




seriously though, thank you all for the comments, creating something that makes sense and follows a certain meter is tough.

---

I think also the apostrophe after karma (karma's instead of karmas) might have been an issue..

[QDeathstar]

You've turned into a soulless crooked wretch.
Who knew that loving you was such a chore
'cause now I think you need a shank, here catch!
The path ahead is cumbersome and sore.

I took my time to find terrible truth .
I lost the light chasing torrential rain,
I found no hope in lessons learned in youth,
I've spent my moments alone buried in chain.

My pain is built in memories of you,
a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell.
was what we shared ever faithful and true?
who cares, fuck you, I can't pretend to tell.

I'd point to costs of karmas bought as why,
Remorse was faked the day after you died.

[ellajam]

The work you've put into the first 3 lines shows, the meter works and I enjoyed the near rhyme of wretch/catch because L3 made me laugh.

L8 is not as successful meter or meaning wise. Maybe something like I've spent my time alone encased in chains, rain could be rains. Encased is wrong, you can find something better, but buried doesn't work for me.

I still have some trouble making sense of the couplet, did you mean the comma?

Keep at it.

You've turned into a soulless crooked wretch.
Who knew that loving you was such a chore
'cause now I think you need a shank, here catch!
The path ahead is cumbersome and sore.

I took my time to find terrible truth .
I lost the light chasing torrential rain,
I found no hope in lessons learned in youth,
I've spent my moments alone buried in chain.

My pain is built in memories of you,
a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell.
was what we shared ever faithful and true?
who cares, fuck you, I can't pretend to tell.

I'd point to costs of karmas bought as why,
Remorse was faked the day after you died.





original

An ember in the flowing wind shown light,
A guide before the fade to nothing more,
did seem to drift to black and lack a fight.
The path ahead is cumbersome and sore.

I gave into despair last night, in truth.
I lost the light chasing torrential rain,
I found no hope in lessons learned in youth,
I looked for strength in thought - still real still sane.

My pain is built in memories of you,
a ghost suffered in trust was burned to hell.
was what you showed ever faithful and true?
who cares, fuck you, I can't pretend to tell.

I'd point to costs of karma's got as why,
Remorse was faked the day after you died.




is the meter even close???????