1st poem here: 'Precious Time'.

[poppoetry]

here is my first posting, I wrote this in February 2015, i love this poem myself but I'm sure it has huge flaws, my poetry comes from my head onto the page and thats it, i don't edit or change it much just put it down, ctitique is so much appreciated as I don't show my poems to anyone, good or bad I'll learn loads and look forward to it. Thanks and don't be kind, be truthful.

37*.  Precious Time.

Flow of a stream
a trickle,
Tender and soft,
Constant.

Moss on trees,
beautiful fern leaves.
Nature's fragrance.
So fresh So clean.

On the moist ground,
insects about.
Lives acting out,
For survival.

The early morning call,
Birdsong at dawn,
Dew on the ground,
The day rises.

Later at noon,
A path we hew,
continue on,
to our day's reward.

We'll stay a while,
Enjoy this time,
Place filled with sounds,
Nature's around.

To get away,
Spend the day,
Time spent here,
So precious.


Copyright poppoetry.

[jbw1277]

I am a novice as well so take my advice with a grain of salt. I just joined the site and have yet to post my first poem.

However, these are my thoughts.

I read it out loud 5-6x and was struggling to get the rhythm of it. I couldn't exactly recreate the way you wanted to words to flow and a few times I got hung up where I had to reread. Specifically at "The early morning call,
Birdsong at dawn,
Dew on the ground,
The day rises."

However, I really liked the way it felt like it went through your day to the ending, realizing time is precious. I would be curious to hear what you were trying to convey to understand if I interpreted it correctly. Thanks for posting!

[Observer]

Hi! I enjoyed reading this poem, as I thought that some of the stanzas, particularly the first, seemed carefully and thoughtfully crafted. There are a few areas of improvement though.

First, there are a number of rhyming couplets that feel forced and as such immediately alienate the reader, for example:
"Place filled with sounds,
Nature's around."
This couplet breaks the otherwise quirky (and that's definitely a good thing in this context) flow that the poem has by not rhyming. As a result, it feels to me like it's been inserted to serve only as an example of rhyme, which this poem works well without. Also, with lines as short as those, every word needs to count towards building up a picture for the reader or alluding to the message of the poem. This does neither. I think that some imagery or other figurative language would work better.

Secondly, there are one or two points where the punctuation is off. "So fresh So clean" was the obvious choice example for this point. The two clauses should be joined with a comma or separated with a full stop.

Other than that, I think this poem has a lot of potential. Some of the stanzas, such as the fourth, don't need any alterations.

[Todd]

Hi Poppoetry, welcome to the site! Don't be kind, be truthful--all right. That's mostly our default position here. We don't attempt to be jerks but we focus on the poem not the poet, and try to help them make it better.

Here are a few comments for you.

here is my first posting, I wrote this in February 2015, i love this poem myself but I'm sure it has huge flaws, my poetry comes from my head onto the page and thats it, i don't edit or change it much just put it down, ctitique is so much appreciated as I don't show my poems to anyone, good or bad I'll learn loads and look forward to it. Thanks and don't be kind, be truthful.

37*.  Precious Time. -- I assume this is your 37th poem not a comment on being 37 and the title is Precious Time. The title could use some work. Precious doesn't add much and it makes the reader expect a hallmark card. I would encourage you to stretch yourself a bit and dig deeper for your title.


I think what would improve this poem the most would be to go through it and eliminate every modifier (adjective/adverb) and replace them with say two lines each of a clean simple image.

Flow of a stream
a trickle,
Tender and soft,
Constant.--so, show me a stream that carries the soft, tender, constant qualities you are looking for without telling me that the stream has those qualities. Most of my comments will be centered on this one point.

Moss on trees,--an image you can develop
beautiful fern leaves.--beautiful is vague and adds nothing. What specific characteristic gives the leaves beauty. Highlight that characteristic with a cleanly rendered image and not a modifier.
Nature's fragrance.
So fresh So clean.--Choose a specific smell build it into the image

On the moist ground,--Moist is one of your few modifiers I don't hate. It tells me something beautiful above can't. It's more sensory.
insects about.--You were probably meaning abound here not about. This still doesn't say much.
Lives acting out,
For survival.

The early morning call,
Birdsong at dawn,
Dew on the ground,
The day rises.--This strophe is one of your better ones because it deals with concrete specific things. It's less vague.

Later at noon,
A path we hew,
continue on,
to our day's reward.

We'll stay a while,
Enjoy this time,
Place filled with sounds,--sounds, choose some that are specific.
Nature's around.

To get away,
Spend the day,
Time spent here,
So precious.--Again this is a shorthand ending. You need your conclusions to have more punch than this.


Copyright poppoetry.

I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you. If you look to work more with nouns and verbs and less with adjectives and adverbs, and if you make more specific choices  I think you can improve this poem dramatically.

Best,

Todd

[poppoetry]

Hi Poppoetry, welcome to the site! Don't be kind, be truthful--all right. That's mostly our default position here. We don't attempt to be jerks but we focus on the poem not the poet, and try to help them make it better.

Here are a few comments for you.

here is my first posting, I wrote this in February 2015, i love this poem myself but I'm sure it has huge flaws, my poetry comes from my head onto the page and thats it, i don't edit or change it much just put it down, ctitique is so much appreciated as I don't show my poems to anyone, good or bad I'll learn loads and look forward to it. Thanks and don't be kind, be truthful.

37*.  Precious Time. -- I assume this is your 37th poem not a comment on being 37 and the title is Precious Time. The title could use some work. Precious doesn't add much and it makes the reader expect a hallmark card. I would encourage you to stretch yourself a bit and dig deeper for your title.


I think what would improve this poem the most would be to go through it and eliminate every modifier (adjective/adverb) and replace them with say two lines each of a clean simple image.

Flow of a stream
a trickle,
Tender and soft,
Constant.--so, show me a stream that carries the soft, tender, constant qualities you are looking for without telling me that the stream has those qualities. Most of my comments will be centered on this one point.

Moss on trees,--an image you can develop
beautiful fern leaves.--beautiful is vague and adds nothing. What specific characteristic gives the leaves beauty. Highlight that characteristic with a cleanly rendered image and not a modifier.
Nature's fragrance.
So fresh So clean.--Choose a specific smell build it into the image

On the moist ground,--Moist is one of your few modifiers I don't hate. It tells me something beautiful above can't. It's more sensory.
insects about.--You were probably meaning abound here not about. This still doesn't say much.
Lives acting out,
For survival.

The early morning call,
Birdsong at dawn,
Dew on the ground,
The day rises.--This strophe is one of your better ones because it deals with concrete specific things. It's less vague.

Later at noon,
A path we hew,
continue on,
to our day's reward.

We'll stay a while,
Enjoy this time,
Place filled with sounds,--sounds, choose some that are specific.
Nature's around.

To get away,
Spend the day,
Time spent here,
So precious.--Again this is a shorthand ending. You need your conclusions to have more punch than this.


Copyright poppoetry.

I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you. If you look to work more with nouns and verbs and less with adjectives and adverbs, and if you make more specific choices  I think you can improve this poem dramatically.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the feedback Todd, I've learned a whole new bunch of stuff about poetry and am grateful, I see exactly what you mean about my use of grammer, it doesn't really work and the reader needs to be taken on the journey with you however I like to leave them to imagine the place like I do, Especially at the start, the stream is flowing, it's only a trickle but it's a tender trickle so I want the readers to feel this, I fully accept what you say and will take it on board, correct it is poem 37 and now I have 60 so hope to post more soon and thanks, very very interesting, appreciated.

[Leanne]

Your poem has a lot of non-specific adjectives like "beautiful" and "precious" that add nothing. You use "so" at least three times and it's really nothing but a noise. We know you feel a connection to this place only because you tell us in very straightforward terms -- to make it really unique, you need to show us. Focus on images rather than skimming over them with a list of random compliments.

And now we reach a dilemma, because like Todd, I could spend some time giving you pointers but you state in your original post -- and then seem to reiterate in your reply to Todd -- that you don't edit, that you like things just the way they are. In that case, what you're looking for is a bit of feedback, but not critique. I suspect that Todd spent upwards of an hour reading and dissecting your poem for your benefit but as there is no indication that you have in fact "taken it on board", I'm not sure there's any purpose to adding my own advice. What a shame.

[poppoetry]

Your poem has a lot of non-specific adjectives like "beautiful" and "precious" that add nothing.  You use "so" at least three times and it's really nothing but a noise.  We know you feel a connection to this place only because you tell us in very straightforward terms -- to make it really unique, you need to show us.  Focus on images rather than skimming over them with a list of random compliments.

And now we reach a dilemma, because like Todd, I could spend some time giving you pointers but you state in your original post -- and then seem to reiterate in your reply to Todd -- that you don't edit, that you like things just the way they are.  In that case, what you're looking for is a bit of feedback, but not critique.  I suspect that Todd spent upwards of an hour reading and dissecting your poem for your benefit but as there is no indication that you have in fact "taken it on board", I'm not sure there's any purpose to adding my own advice.  What a shame.

My 'newness' to poetry is laid bare, I think of a subject and write it down and don't really think about the poetry writing process as such, I know it flawed and not exact but it's what I feel at the time and seems appropriate, if there are rules then I need to learn them because I love other work on here and also other poets too, Frost, Heaney, Shakespeare, etc so the shame is I know so little and would like to learn, I appreciate fully the time spent on replying to my post and I'm grateful, this is only my first post, I have loads more poems to contribute to the forum, 60 as of today, and more coming too, I love the poetry process and have a real feel for it, if it turns out I'm not a great poet the so be it, it's still gives me something I didn't have last December 2014, thanks for the feedBack and I really do mean it when I say I'm grateful.