Posts: 32
Threads: 7
Joined: Jan 2014
I don't do this I said,
As he pulled my dress over my head.
This isn't me I sighed,
Before he stuck his tongue inside.
Softly, slowly he kissed me,
As if my mouth was the only place to be.
I don't even know you I fretted,
As certain parts of me wetted.
I decided to make an exception,
As I timorously stroked his erection.
I will regret this when we are finished,
With my dignity diminished.
Later, I'll tend to my self esteem.
For now, thanks for making me scream.
Alisha Bourland
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(06-05-2015, 07:56 AM)kingmicahde Wrote: I don't do this I said,
As he pulled my dress over my head.
This isn't me I sighed,
Before he stuck his tongue inside.
Softly, slowly he kissed me,
As if my mouth was the only place to be.
I don't even know you I fretted,
As certain parts of me wetted.
I decided to make an exception,
As I timorously stroked his erection.
I will regret this when we are finished,
With my dignity diminished.
Later, I'll tend to my self esteem.
For now, thanks for making me scream.
Alisha Bourland
Call me a dirty old man but I love this in its entirety and in its encapsulation. There is innocent/ informed intent here. Do I know this girl? See what I mean? Generic. Critique wise, no line by line as it flows almost without fault...though I could ask for the punctuation to be improved beyond the spontaneous (ie, were you writing this whilst being rogered?) expression of abandonment. After all, this is a poetry site, not a peep show. So, capitalising starts of lines when unnecessary is unnecessary and very confusing.
The "I don't even know you I fretted line" is hopeless and loses rhythm almost like a catholic contraceptive. It NEEDS punctuation.
Overall, though, a great piece of selfless sexpression. Can you follow it?
Great restart on the site for a returning pilgrim(ess?) Alisha. I mean...who the hell wrote this? Help.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 20
Threads: 5
Joined: Jun 2015
(06-05-2015, 07:56 AM)kingmicahde Wrote: I don't do this I said,
As he pulled my dress over my head.
This isn't me I sighed,
Before he stuck his tongue inside.
Softly, slowly he kissed me,
As if my mouth was the only place to be.
I don't even know you I fretted, (you, I fretted)
As certain parts of me wetted.
I decided to make an exception,
As I timorously stroked his erection.
I will regret this when we are finished,
With my dignity diminished.
Later, I'll tend to my self esteem.
For now, thanks for making me scream.
Alisha Bourland
Nice poem and engages the reader, writer is being used and resigned to it, feels like the writer wants to connect with the reader through the verse!, nice poem and a great read!, well done.
"Nice" try at crit but please try to restrict comments to the poem and its technicalities. The writer, whoever it is in this case, wants constructive feedback...as would you. Nice is not a nice word. Mod.
