Dreams Edit 1

[Rederex]

Dreams
Edit
A restful slumber, memories relived
as Echo's voice dances in the present.
A world in which false Muses lament
with tempest songs from clouded whispers.

Past and present troubles all but forgotten
as feathers cradle me like a mother’s breast.
These dreams of my making they do caress,
A temporary refuge from life's hurricane.

An epic voyage and I'm the hero
limitless and unbound in freedom.
These dreams are my coliseum, my theatre.
My personal universe, and I'm the maker.

Yet these things I see clearly crumble by reason,
A world of my making impossible to realise.
They remain but dreams, a personal treason.
Lies hidden in plain sight, discovered in waking.

A new born adventure that ends at its peek.
A Time not regretted but something unique.

Original
A restful slumber, memories relived
The sound of distant voices a mere echo.
Light, heat, a pleasant feeling on my cheek
Dreams of epic endeavours, and I’m the hero.

Past and present troubles, all but forgotten
As feathers cradle me like a mother’s breast.
A world of my own temperament, created.
These dreams of my making, they do caress.  

Yet, these things I see clearly crumble by reason
A world of my making impossible to realise.
They remain but dreams, a personal treason.
Lies hidden in plain sight, discovered in waking.

Time not regretted, but a break from reality
An escape from normality and the fears of mortality.

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Rederex,

I feel that your habit of capitalizing the first word of each line confounds
some issues with punctuation. You need to punctuate after ‘relived, voices, cheek.’
You don’t need that comma after ‘temperament.’ This line is an inversion and
has odd syntax: ‘These dreams of my making, they do caress.’
You need a period after ‘reason.’

There are more, but you may want to review your content before sorting them out.
To be honest, this poem reveals very little about the nature of your dreams or how they affect you.
The poem comes off thusly: I want to write a rhyming poem about dreaming.
I shall lay down the rhymes as a scaffold and assemble the lines around them.

This piece is mainly abstraction with little concrete imagery, from the very title to the last word ‘mortality’.
One might say, this is rhyme without reason. I would take a particular dream
and share it, interpret it, all in the absence of rhyme. Then you can ask if your poem
would benefit from the device. If so, work on your rhymes.

See what others have to say. Good luck with your next edit! /Chris

[bena]

I think you are trying to do a sonnet...but you need more work on your iambic pentameter to even attempt a sonnet. The meter is so scattered I can't for the life of me find your intended feet half the time. When you are writing in iambs, it is really important to think about the natural stresses in a word, and use that to anchor your feet...then you can work around that if you want to do a trochee, etc.

Your volta works, but it is fairly weak as far as voltas go. dream vs reality has been overdone.

Overall, the whole concept of the poem is flimsy. It has not enhanced nor altered my life as a reader any (except waste my time.) Other than the haphazard pentameter and forced and mundane end rhymes, there is no real attempt to use other poetic devices. There are many places on this forum for you to learn about sonnets and iambic pentameter, and poetic devices in general. I hope that you will peruse through and participate in them.

Had you posted this in Novice or Mild, my reaction would have been more nurturing, but here in Serious, you will receive nothing but brutal honesty.

Welcome aboard. Hope to read more from you in the future.

[michael the tenant]

A restful slumber, memories relived - GOOD OPENING LINE TO IMMEDIATELY DEFINE SUBJECT MATTER
The sound of distant voices a mere echo.
Light, heat, a pleasant feeling on my cheek
Dreams of epic endeavours, and I’m the hero. - THE USE OF THE WORD HERO COUPLED WITH THE NEXT LINE OF STANZA TWO CREATE THE IMAGE OF GOOD DREAMS "...troubles, all but forgotten". I LIKE THE FEEL OF PLEASANT SLEEP BEING CREATED


Past and present troubles, all but forgotten
As feathers cradle me like a mother’s breast. - AGAIN A SENSE OF SECURITY AND CLOSENESS TO "mother"
A world of my own temperament, created.
These dreams of my making, they do caress.

Yet, these things I see clearly crumble by reason
A world of my making impossible to realise.
They remain but dreams, a personal treason.
Lies hidden in plain sight, discovered in waking.

Time not regretted, but a break from reality
An escape from normality and the fears of mortality. - THEN THE ENDING DROPS THE NOTIONS OF PLEASANT SLEEP AND COMFORTING DREAMS DOWN TO A LOW OF REALIZATION THAT THE ONLY TRUTH IS THAT THE FEELINGS OF COMFORT AND SECURITY WERE ONLY MEMORIES AND CONJURINGS OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS.

IT IS A VERY NICE PEICE TO READ. THANK YOU

[Rederex]

Hello Rederex,

I feel that your habit of capitalizing the first word of each line confounds
some issues with punctuation. You need to punctuate after ‘relived, voices, cheek.’
You don’t need that comma after ‘temperament.’ This line is an inversion and
has odd syntax: ‘These dreams of my making, they do caress.’
You need a period after ‘reason.’

There are more, but you may want to review your content before sorting them out.
To be honest, this poem reveals very little about the nature of your dreams or how they affect you.
The poem comes off thusly: I want to write a rhyming poem about dreaming.
I shall lay down the rhymes as a scaffold and assemble the lines around them.

This piece is mainly abstraction with little concrete imagery, from the very title to the last word ‘mortality’.
One might say, this is rhyme without reason. I would take a particular dream
and share it, interpret it, all in the absence of rhyme. Then you can ask if your poem
would benefit from the device. If so, work on your rhymes.

See what others have to say. Good luck with your next edit! /Chris

Hey ChristopherSea,

Thanks for the feedback, especially your grammatical observations. I think I am being complicated the the point that meaning is lost, This is probably an explanation for why it seems bland. I shall look at making the literary relationships more explicit.

Thanks, Rederex

[Rederex]

I think you are trying to do a sonnet...but you need more work on your iambic pentameter to even attempt a sonnet. The meter is so scattered I can't for the life of me find your intended feet half the time.  When you are writing in iambs, it is really important to think about the natural stresses in a word, and use that to anchor your feet...then you can work around that if you want to do a trochee, etc.

Your volta works, but it is fairly weak as far as voltas go.  dream vs reality has been overdone.

Overall, the whole concept of the poem is flimsy.  It has not enhanced nor altered my life as a reader any (except waste my time.) Other than the haphazard pentameter and forced and mundane end rhymes, there is no real attempt to use other poetic devices.  There are many places on this forum for you to learn about sonnets and iambic pentameter, and poetic devices in general.  I hope that you will peruse through and participate in them.  

Had you posted this in Novice or Mild, my reaction would have been more nurturing, but here in Serious, you will receive nothing but brutal honesty.  

Welcome aboard.  Hope to read more from you in the future.

Thanks Bena,
I will have a look at using some more devices.
One thing though, you said that it was conceptually "flimsy" are you able to explain further? Can you say what the concept is, this way I will know if it is the concept itself or the way I explored it that's the issue.

Thanks, Rederex

[bena]

I think if you're going to do a dream vs reality poem, you need to make the imagery concrete enough, and give us more about your own personal demons that haunt you...to make it less a generic poem about dreams. Since the topic has been done to death, it needs to stand on its own as something different--and making it more detailed perhaps will accomplish this. I don't think you need to trash the whole thing, just rethink the direction you are going in and the journey you're taking the reader on. It's a difficult thing sometimes to remember that the reader can't read your mind and fill in the gaps you do--I have troubles with it myself. More personal information would make this fresh.

Hope that helps.

bena/mel.

[ChristopherSea]

Red, Visit the poetry practice exercises forum. Review and try the sonnet lessons provided by Leanne. She is a wizard with the form! Should you post one, she will comment and provide invaluable aid. Milo is amazing as well. Good Luck./Chris

[bob68]

Dreams

A restful slumber, memories relived
The sound of distant voices a mere echo.
Light, heat, a pleasant feeling on my cheek
Dreams of epic endeavours, and I’m the hero.

Past and present troubles, all but forgotten
As feathers cradle me like a mother’s breast.
A world of my own temperament, created.
These dreams of my making, they do caress.  

Yet, these things I see clearly crumble by reason
A world of my making impossible to realise.
They remain but dreams, a personal treason.
Lies hidden in plain sight, discovered in waking.

Time not regretted, but a break from reality
An escape from normality and the fears of mortality.

I like the idea and theme of writing a poem about dreams, but unfortunately I think you missed the mark on this one. However, I do see you have something here, and I suggest working on it some more. Some of the lines seem cryptic like, "They remain but dreams a personal treason" I have no idea what that means. Try to really dig deep within yourself and say what you want to say. I've found that's the best way to do it.  Also, you have these rhymes here and there like, reality, mortality, reason, treason. It comes across as trite. Sorry to be so hard on you, but I know you could do better. Best of luck.  Keep with it.  

[Mark A Becker]

Hello rederex-

Before reading the other reviews, I'll put in my own two cents.

Right outta the gate, I see trouble with the abstract nature of S.1, as the only solid word in there is "cheek".

I've got "feathers" and a "breast" to hold onto in S.2, but I'm already losing interest.

Then S.3 comes along and I lose any hold at all, and the poem has lost any hold on me.  

The entire set-up this (trying to be) sonnet is wasted in the end couplet.  It's hard to fit a laundry list into two lines, but that's exactly what you achieved-- write the words vertically and you'll see what I mean.

The dream/reality poem is hard to pull off, and requires far more insanity than this, for me.  Slow down before you post.  This one requires a whole lot of editing by the reader, and that's your job, not mine: I don't know what minor changes to suggest, because a major re-write is needed.

... Mark