Bus Routes As Origami

[Municipal Alchemist]

Bus Routes As Origami

infinite folds trace

patchwork
                  the crease

synapse across a page
brings corners together

inner city wind scars
Euclidian topography
darkest shining towers

why not carpet streets
usher eternal, find seat
when lights down
icy cold velvet
metal night bench

thanks government tie
light ways with fire line
charred to other side
crease scars collective
waiting frozen at sign
for flame to burn
downtown crease fold
origami rock and steel

[Leanne]

I will come back to this when I've read it through a few more times -- I just didn't want you to think it was languishing without any interest. First impressions though: the twisted syntax challenges me by creating lots of ambiguities and in most cases I really love this. There are a few times it doesn't quite work for me but again, I'm going to need to sit with it a while to decide whether that's actually true, because meaning shifts might take a while to appear. I enjoy the terseness of the delivery, almost a series of vignettes, with that fantastic incongruity of origami, rock and steel.

Just give me a while to do it justice.

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Municipal Alchemist,

I hope you don’t take exception to me saying that your poetry style is very reminiscent
of Language Poetry. Leanne gave a perceptive summary of Language Poet’s avante garde trends
in her reflection: ‘the twisted syntax challenges me by creating lots of ambiguities.’
Accordingly, it is difficult to connect all of the images, but I do like the splattering of metaphors
that you cast down the page.

I have a few observations that you may or may not find helpful for your next edit. With this particular piece
your use of white space and geometry is curiously restricted to the first stanza alone. I think you
could do some more with the other stanzas similarly. This may give the piece more of a concrete geometry (Euclidean perhaps  )
that is suggestive of an origami fold.

Also, I don’t think you need those two articles in the first strophe. You have not used them thereafter
and  ‘infinite folds trace – patchwork - crease - synapse across page - brings corners together’
may well flow better without them.

I enjoyed the rhymes (slants) and alliteration in the second half of the piece (streets/seat; tie/line/side/sign).
This makes their absence in the first half a bit glaring. You may want to consider adding one.

You have used 'crease' and 'fold' multiple times. Have you considered other synonyms that may provide
alternate sonics and/or meaning? I like 'groove, pleat and rumple.' I may have more to say upon subsequent reads.

Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your work./Chris

[Animal Riots Activist]

thanks government

i.e. Thanks, Obama.

In a poem like this, the only thing there is is nitpicking. So my nitpicks:

Bus Routes As Origami

infinite folds trace -I'm not sure what you're getting at here with infinite folds. Even though the poem is language oriented, it still seems the other images are tied together, but this one seems on its own. I would say rework it, or more clearly tie in what you're trying to say w/ the infinite folds part w/ more language

patchwork
                  the crease

synapse across a page -awesome. awesome. awesome.
brings corners together

inner city wind scars
Euclidian topography Hey, Map Man, could you send me a map of the NYC bus lines so that I can print them on a hypersphere? I just find that so much more convenient.
darkest shining towers-tweak this guy, it's too parallel w/ metal night bench. Mainly in the dark v night thing.

why not carpet streets -a question i find myself asking all too often...
usher eternal, find seat
when lights down
icy cold velvet -a bit of redundancy here, i would say tailor the adj "cold" into something less redundant
metal night bench I said to tweak the other one, because I like this one a lot better; this one's very strong.

thanks government tie
light ways with fire line -fire line. yes.
charred to other side
crease scars collective -I like that you're bringing crease back in here.
waiting frozen at sign
for flame to burn
downtown crease fold
origami rock and steel -there's a bit of a jump in this last line. Let me sit w/ it to tell you what I think, I just don't know yet.

Really nice work.