The Ranch Fence (re-write of The Fence)

[onepapa]

Sun-greyed posts and sagging barbed wire
enforce the pasture's discipline.
Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed.

Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed.

My fingers like broken sticks from
stretching glistening barbed wire and
hammering the fastening staples,
fixing the wire in perfect lines.

My Grandson suggests electronic collars
can tell cattle the boundary.
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves.

______________


The Fence

I watch the ghosts in the evening haze
along the pasture fence.

We built that fence fifty years ago,
my back wet from driving pick and shovel,
placing the posts exactly where Grandfather pointed.

My aching fingers like broken sticks
from stretching barbed wire in perfect lines
on posts flawlessly spaced.

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

A breeze swirls the ghosts and haze away
from the glistening taut wire.

[Animal Riots Activist]

Wow, really strong work, both in the original and the re-write. Are you planning on keeping the original as a piece, or do you think you've revised it away? Either way, some comments.

Sun-greyed posts and sagging barbed wire
enforce the pasture's discipline. -I like discipline, but I feel like this line can do more. It falls a little flat for me, mostly because it awkwardly contrasts the withering nature of the previous line.
Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed. -really nice parallelism w/ discipline.

Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed. -you mix your tenses a bit in this stanza, overall really strong though.

I hope I'm not overstepping when I suggest this, and please feel free to ignore me, but I think the original has a really powerful stanza that you could include between these two:

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

My fingers like broken sticks from -broken sticks is a bit weak here
stretching glistening barbed wire and
hammering the fastening staples,
fixing the wire in perfect lines.

My Grandson suggests electronic collars -HA!
can tell cattle the boundary.
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves. -This ending is really strong as is, and I almost don't want to suggest it, but if you do take my other suggestion, some form of parallel structure might be nice here:

"Build it well," I say,
"and it will last longer than we will."

Outside of some minor nitpicks, I think you have a really really strong piece, and I hope you're not offended that I took so many libertys in my suggestions. It may have been a little much, but I thought it would look good, so I suggested it anyways :p

-Em

[onepapa]

Wow, really strong work, both in the original and the re-write. Are you planning on keeping the original as a piece, or do you think you've revised it away? Either way, some comments.

Sun-greyed posts and sagging barbed wire
enforce the pasture's discipline. -I like discipline, but I feel like this line can do more. It falls a little flat for me, mostly because it awkwardly contrasts the withering nature of the previous line.
Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed. -really nice parallelism w/ discipline.

Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed. -you mix your tenses a bit in this stanza, overall really strong though.

I hope I'm not overstepping when I suggest this, and please feel free to ignore me, but I think the original has a really powerful stanza that you could include between these two:

He towered above me.
"Build it well," he said,
"and it will last longer than we will."

My fingers like broken sticks from -broken sticks is a bit weak here
stretching glistening barbed wire and
hammering the fastening staples,
fixing the wire in perfect lines.

My Grandson suggests electronic collars -HA!
can tell cattle the boundary.
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves. -This ending is really strong as is, and I almost don't want to suggest it, but if you do take my other suggestion, some form of parallel structure might be nice here:

"Build it well," I say,
"and it will last longer than we will."

Outside of some minor nitpicks, I think you have a really really strong piece, and I hope you're not offended that I took so many libertys in my suggestions. It may have been a little much, but I thought it would look good, so I suggested it anyways :p

-Em

Em,

I am never offended by criticism or suggestions and I will make good use of your comments in the edit. I post of this web site because I get thoughtful feedback and my work is greatly improved with the workshop. Thank you very much.

onepapa

[DivineMsEmm]

Wow, what a great piece. The imagery is spot-on, I am right there on the farm with these characters.

That said, I think there is a little room for improvement.

~~~
Sun-greyed posts and sagging barbed wire
enforce the pasture's discipline.
great choices here - these lines take us right to the edge of the pasture, I can almost smell the manure. The word choice of "discipline" can fit with cows or people, metal does not discriminate.

Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed.
These lines are a nice touch, reinforcing the discipline mentioned two lines ago.

Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
"past" is old-fashioned, I think "ago" would work better here.

My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed.
I understand wanting to make these statements tight and not include articles like "my back was wet..." etc. However, this results in a sentence fragment, which can be difficult for readers. Consider adding the "was" or adding an I action later in the sentence: "My back wet from driving ... , I placed fresh...." Does that make sense?

My fingers like broken sticks from
stretching glistening barbed wire and
hammering the fastening staples,
fixing the wire in perfect lines.
Same issue as above, the lack of articles can be difficult. Also, the word "broken" is simple, almost a bit too simple - I wonder if there are other options to evoke the same feeling - possible options: trampled, shattered, chewed, shredded - just a few options for a stronger image.

My Grandson suggests electronic collars
can tell cattle the boundary.
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves.
Very nice final stanza.

I think in all this piece is very strong - a couple difficult spots for me as I mentioned with the articles. The imagery is there.
Very very nice work.
--E

[onepapa]

Wow, what a great piece.  The imagery is spot-on, I am right there on the farm with these characters.

That said, I think there is a little room for improvement.

~~~
Sun-greyed posts and sagging barbed wire
enforce the pasture's discipline.
great choices here - these lines take us right to the edge of the pasture, I can almost smell the manure. The word choice of "discipline" can fit with cows or people, metal does not discriminate.

Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed.
These lines are a nice touch, reinforcing the discipline mentioned two lines ago.

Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
"past" is old-fashioned, I think "ago" would work better here.

My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed.
I understand wanting to make these statements tight and not include articles like "my back was wet..." etc. However, this results in a sentence fragment, which can be difficult for readers. Consider adding the "was" or adding an I action later in the sentence: "My back wet from driving ... , I placed fresh...."  Does that make sense?

My fingers like broken sticks from
stretching glistening barbed wire and
hammering the fastening staples,
fixing the wire in perfect lines.
Same issue as above, the lack of articles can be difficult.  Also, the word "broken" is simple, almost a bit too simple - I wonder if there are other options to evoke the same feeling - possible options: trampled, shattered, chewed, shredded - just a few options for a stronger image.

My Grandson suggests electronic collars
can tell cattle the boundary.
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves.
Very nice final stanza.

I think in all this piece is very strong - a couple difficult spots for me as I mentioned with the articles. The imagery is there.
Very very nice work.
--E

Thank you for the great insights and comments. I will use them in the edits.

onepapa

[fluorescent.43]

Sun-greyed posts and sagging barbed wire
enforce the pasture's discipline. the line break in L1 upset the flow a bit- the second line took me by surprise- but still good.
Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed. These two lines cut right to the chase. Very effective.

Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed. when I read this, the words fall off my mouth. I like it. Just to nitpick   , I think a dash in between "hard packed" and "fresh cut" would work well, but really it doesn't matter.

My fingers like broken sticks from Do you mean to say "My fingers are like broken sticks from?"- there isn't a verb here.
stretching glistening barbed wire and I don't think the word "barbed" here is necessary because we already know it's barbed wire, and two adjectives in a row disrupts the starkly clean feeling of this poem.
hammering the fastening staples, is "the" really needed?- same with the line below and  
fixing the wire in perfect lines. A stronger adjective (instead of "perfect) could be used- maybe pristine? faultless?

My Grandson suggests electronic collars why is Grandson capitalized?- you're not talking about Grandson, you're talking about your grandson.
can tell cattle the boundary.for some reason (maybe it's just me), this line doesn't feel quite right- the word choice doesn't fit- maybe " "can rein in the cattle."?  
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves. I like the ending lines!- just the "and" that starts the last line feels odd since you already used "and" in the above line- maybe just "remind him to bring work gloves" and a semicolon to end the above line?- that's not proper grammar, though.

.~*~.
This poem is really good. It's straightforward but poetic- I just think some strategic cleaning up of the lines could improve it a bit. Hopefully I didn't write the same critique as everyone else! If I didn't and happened to write something a bit different, do take my words with a grain of salt.  

[onepapa]

Sun-greyed posts and sagging barbed wire
enforce the pasture's discipline. the line break in L1 upset the flow a bit- the second line took me by surprise- but still good.
Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed. These two lines cut right to the chase. Very effective.

Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed. when I read this, the words fall off my mouth. I like it. Just to nitpick   , I think a dash in between "hard packed" and "fresh cut" would work well, but really it doesn't matter.

My fingers like broken sticks from Do you mean to say "My fingers are like broken sticks from?"- there isn't a verb here.
stretching glistening barbed wire and I don't think the word "barbed" here is necessary because we already know it's barbed wire, and two adjectives in a row disrupts the starkly clean feeling of this poem.
hammering the fastening staples, is "the" really needed?- same with the line below and  
fixing the wire in perfect lines. A stronger adjective (instead of "perfect) could be used- maybe pristine? faultless?

My Grandson suggests electronic collars why is Grandson capitalized?- you're not talking about Grandson, you're talking about your grandson.
can tell cattle the boundary.for some reason (maybe it's just me), this line doesn't feel quite right- the word choice doesn't fit- maybe " "can rein in the cattle."?  
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves. I like the ending lines!- just the "and" that starts the last line feels odd since you already used "and" in the above line- maybe just "remind him to bring work gloves" and a semicolon to end the above line?- that's not proper grammar, though.

.~*~.
This poem is really good. It's straightforward but poetic- I just think some strategic cleaning up of the lines could improve it a bit. Hopefully I didn't write the same critique as everyone else! If I didn't and happened to write something a bit different, do take my words with a grain of salt.  

43,

Thank you for the great comments and suggestions. I will put this to good use in the rewrite.

onepapa

[Mark A Becker]

Hey papa-

I like the stark images-- just like a fence.  

I'm good with this one all the way until the last stanza.

The poem is more about the "generational thing" then it is actually building the fence.  I think this could have one more stanza to show the "tension" between papa and grandson.  

I just want more of that tension, and maybe that's where the come-along and other tools can be put to good use building that relationship.

Thanks!
... Mark

[onepapa]

Hey papa-

I like the stark images-- just like a fence.  

I'm good with this one all the way until the last stanza.

The poem is more about the "generational thing" then it is actually building the fence.  I think this could have one more stanza to show the "tension" between papa and grandson.  

I just want more of that tension, and maybe that's where the come-along and other tools can be put to good use building that relationship.

Thanks!
... Mark

Mark,

Thanks for commenting. This was certainly about passing things from generation to generation so I will look harder at the tension/tools idea....good suggestion.

onepapa