Potter's Wheel

[milo]

Potter's Wheel

What fool would leave creation up to me,
to force my thumbs and palms across the palette?
If the golem wavers in the make
I'll choose the mallet,
pound the crumble, sweep away the scree
then spatula and slurry, slake
the wheel, then spatula again and nothing grips.

There is a marvel in the roll of blunger drips -
Whose hand formed these oily hills and what's beneath?
I could try again or take a break
or taste the clay dust on my teeth.

[Leanne]

milo, I can't work out whether I've read this before or if it just rather perfectly expresses what I've been thinking. The mallet must be the tool of choice -- smaller, more sophisticated tools are good for nothing but cosmesis.

The "whose hand" line is to my ear missing a beat -- I want it to read "whose hand has formed" but perhaps you're reading it differently. Similarly, the last line to me seems a bit off and I'd probably go with "or taste the dust of clay upon my teeth"... but then I'm always wanting things to be longer...

[milo]

milo, I can't work out whether I've read this before or if it just rather perfectly expresses what I've been thinking.  The mallet must be the tool of choice -- smaller, more sophisticated tools are good for nothing but cosmesis.  

The "whose hand" line is to my ear missing a beat -- I want it to read "whose hand has formed" but perhaps you're reading it differently.  Similarly, the last line to me seems a bit off and I'd probably go with "or taste the dust of clay upon my teeth"... but then I'm always wanting things to be longer...

I posted it here years ago, one of the first things I posted.  Thought perhaps it might be a good time to actually go back and put some of the feedback i have received to use. 

I have made a couple changes though nothing really major.  The whose hand line isn't missing a beat so much as it suffers an awkward demotion.  "Whose hand" should really be a spondee, but then "formed comes along and messes the whole thing up.  Your solution fixes the awkward demotion and the hiccup and creates a perfect spondee substitution. Ideally, perhaps I should look for a double iamb?

Thanks for reading.  I think I am going to take your suggestion on the "whose" line.  "Dust of clay . . .?"  hmm . . . going to ponder a bit, I suppose.

[cjchaffin]

Potter's Wheel

What fool would leave creation up to me,
to force my thumbs and palms across the palette?
If the golem wavers in the make
I'll choose the mallet,
pound the crumble, sweep away the scree
then spatula and slurry, slake
the wheel, then spatula again and nothing grips.

There is a marvel in the roll of blunger drips -
Whose hand formed these oily hills and what's beneath?
I could try again or take a break
or taste the clay dust on my teeth.

hi milo,

there's a lot to like here: great visuals, nice alliteration and rhymes for the most part, a thought-provoking premise, and impeccable word choice.

i did struggle a bit with the second and third lines of the first strophe; when read aloud they left me a little mush-mouthed and immediately slowed the pace that's set by the first line (which is a fantastic opening!), and then the awkward bluntness of "if" to start line 3...i really wanted to carry the lilt of line one straight on through. i'm not sure how you would remedy that without major alterations though, and maybe it's just me and the way i'm reading it (and i read it several times out loud to see if the tone would change. it didn't, not for me anyway).

i also don't particularly like the repeat of "or" in lines three and four of the second strophe, but that's a really minor nit and i hate even mentioning it.

again, minor nits here. on the whole, a wonderful poem. thanks for sharing.

[milo]

Potter's Wheel

What fool would leave creation up to me,
to force my thumbs and palms across the palette?
If the golem wavers in the make
I'll choose the mallet,
pound the crumble, sweep away the scree
then spatula and slurry, slake
the wheel, then spatula again and nothing grips.

There is a marvel in the roll of blunger drips -
Whose hand formed these oily hills and what's beneath?
I could try again or take a break
or taste the clay dust on my teeth.

hi milo,

there's a lot to like here: great visuals, nice alliteration and rhymes for the most part, a thought-provoking premise, and impeccable word choice.

i did struggle a bit with the second and third lines of the first strophe; when read aloud they left me a little mush-mouthed and immediately slowed the pace that's set by the first line (which is a fantastic opening!), and then the awkward bluntness of "if" to start line 3...i really wanted to carry the lilt of line one straight on through. i'm not sure how you would remedy that without major alterations though, and maybe it's just me and the way i'm reading it (and i read it several times out loud to see if the tone would change. it didn't, not for me anyway).

i also don't particularly like the repeat of "or" in lines three and four of the second strophe, but that's a really minor nit and i hate even mentioning it.

again, minor nits here. on the whole, a wonderful poem. thanks for sharing.

Thanks for stopping by and reading.

You are correct about "if" - it start a line as trochaic in an iambic poem.  I remember when I wrote this I tried to do a lot of fancy things with meter and over time, I think I have relegated most of them to the bin so it may be time to relegate that one as well.  If I added a "but" right before it, it would probably smooth it right out and it may be time to do that.

Also, what if I switched "palms" and "thumbs" in L2, would that clear it up for you a bit?

Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting.  Still working on it.

[cjchaffin]

yes, the switch of "palms" and "thumbs" works a bit better. i think it's the abundance of "m" sounds that's throwing that whole section off for me, but only when i read it aloud. and again, it could just be me and the way i'm reading it.

one thing though, do you use a palette in pottery other than to paint the finished product? if not, then you wouldn't be moving your palms and thumbs across one, would you? i suppose you could use the term as an overarching metaphor of sorts. my knowledge of pottery is pretty limited, other than one short class i took in college, so please forgive me if i'm being ignorant.