Black Bile

[Mr. Creosote]

The Sheol of the living
Contorted reason turned inward
The mind is the cause
It is hard to understand its apathy

Transformed into a walking shade
The outside world fades
Circular trenchant thoughts
Self-loathing absorption

[ellajam]

Hi, Mr, for me this was a jigsaw puzzle that never quite made a pictue. You may want to consider whether or not omitting punctuation is helping you here, ditto the capitalizing of each line. You've also got a lot of abstractions for a short piece, although I know what you are saying I don't think your way of saying it makes a lasting impression. Here are some notes.

The Sheol of the living I'd like to see a colon here or an "is" before "contorted".
Contorted reason turned inward
The mind is the cause Reason indicates the mind for me, I don't think you need this line.
It is hard to understand its apathy You're not helping me understand how contorted reason turned inward leads to apathy. I'm lost.

Transformed into a walking shade "walking shade" is interesting, but I don't know that it works if you need the next line to explain it.
The outside world fades
Circular trenchant thoughts This was the one image I could grab.
Self-loathing absorption This line just seems stuck on to me, I have no idea what has led the Narrator to this point.

So you can see this poem really didn't work for me, I hope my comments can help you understand why. Good luck with it.

[Mr. Creosote]

Hi, Mr, for me this was a jigsaw puzzle that never quite made a pictue. You may want to consider whether or not omitting punctuation is helping you here, ditto the capitalizing of each line. You've also got a lot of abstractions for a short piece, although I know what you are saying I don't think your way of saying it makes a lasting impression. Here are some notes.

The Sheol of the living I'd like to see a colon here or an "is" before "contorted".
Contorted reason turned inward
The mind is the cause Reason indicates the mind for me, I don't think you need this line. Reason is part of the mind. Reason dissects and criticizes
It is hard to understand its apathy You're not helping me understand how contorted reason turned inward leads to apathy. I'm lost.The mind is apathetic to in regards to the pain that it is causing

Transformed into a walking shade "walking shade" is interesting, but I don't know that it works if you need the next line to explain it.Two sides of the coin...being a shade makes you fade to the outside world, while depression makes the world fade from you
The outside world fades
Circular trenchant thoughts This was the one image I could grab.
Self-loathing absorption This line just seems stuck on to me, I have no idea what has led the Narrator to this point.Maybe this is too cutesy, the strange irony that depression makes you absorbed/obsessed with the very thing that it makes you loathe

So you can see this poem really didn't work for me, I hope my comments can help you understand why. Good luck with it.

Thanks for the feedback. This poem is more of a list of obscured thoughts...I don't even use the word depression...I am trying to imply the shame while explaining the feeling. Sorry it didn't hit home.

[RiverNotch]

Same as Ella, I got nothing. I'm basing this piece of feedback off of your comments, Mr. Creosote, since, for the most part, it's the only way I can get this.

The Sheol of the living Alright.
Contorted reason turned inward At this point, you seem to be getting somewhere. I read a commentary on ill-begotten navel-gazing, turning the whole world into some sick, deathly place -- but then....
The mind is the cause Reason may be part of the mind, but that's not something you need to state. Of course the mind is the cause; without a mind, there would be no reason in the first place. Question is, what kind of mind?
It is hard to understand its apathy "Contorted reason" means reason gone wrong, aka stupid thoughts, but stupidity does not always equal pain. 

Transformed into a walking shade In the land of the dead, all beings are walking shades. I don't see the point of this.
The outside world fades It's been gray since the first line.
Circular trenchant thoughts The one line that supports the first two well.
Self-loathing absorption A meh conclusion to an unset point. This could be better shown than said.


Black Bile = Melancholy. Being straight up would be better, I think; the title's too esoteric to strike up the thought immediately, and actual images of Black Bile don't ever get into the work.