A Routine Extravagance
#1
Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday —
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
Reply
#2
Im a little confused about whether the couple is having sex on thursdays and the listed holidays, or if the holidays are the limp obligations. I can sense a great deep meaning, i'm just not getting to it.
Sometimes I feel like writing poetry and sometimes I watch Netflix. No judging.
Reply
#3
Wait! Extravagence, or Extravagance?

Also, "limp obligations", hahaha. (to spoil the joke, think "an old couple that always has sex on Thursday")
Reply
#4
I'm thinking this has something to do with the Oxford Comma.
Reply
#5
(05-11-2015, 01:26 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote:  Im a little confused about whether the couple is having sex on thursdays and the listed holidays, or if the holidays are the limp obligations. I can sense a great deep meaning, i'm just not getting to it.

The holidays were supposed to be the limp obligations. As the couple's obligatory sex doesn't represent an expression of love (or even lust), the revelry on many of our holidays is more of a social obligation than a genuine celebration of life. The best New Years I've ever had was spent on a couch in front of the tv with my parents and a few of their friends (that was just this past one, and I'm 20 years old); I've always hated days when there's some kind of a social obligation to party.

(05-11-2015, 01:36 AM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Wait! Extravagence, or Extravagance?

Also, "limp obligations", hahaha. (to spoil the joke, think "an old couple that always has sex on Thursday")

Gah! I had spelt it correctly in my word document, but there's no spell check in the title on pigpen!

(05-11-2015, 02:44 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  I'm thinking this has something to do with the Oxford Comma.

That's an interesting interpretation, but not what I set out to do.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
Reply
#6
Hi Wjames,

I like the sentiment of your piece and having read your explanation, I now understand it a little better. I have to say I feel exactly the same about being expected to have a good time just because it's a big holiday or such.

As far as the piece is concerned, I felt as though I were reading an excerpt from a bigger work and not the whole thing.

The title is good in itself, but I did struggle a tad to connect it to the piece as if again I were missing some chunk of text.

You say in your reply to i.might.be.a.bit.sad., that the holidays are meant to represent the obligations, in this vein, it might be better to use a full stop at the end of you first line, this might clear up that confusion.

I hope you don't mind my commenting like this, these are only my observations on first reading your piece.

best regards

Mark
Reply
#7
(05-10-2015, 01:57 PM)Wjames Wrote:  Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday,
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.

Yes, the comma after Thursday made me read it as the first in the list, they had sex on thursdays and holidays. A change in punctuation I think would improve this. And I'm not sure you need old, even younger couples find themselves caught only in obligation. But thanks for the read, I enjoyed it.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

Reply
#8
Thanks for reading guys.

Yes, I do think I could make it a little bit clearer that the Thursday is separate from the holidays. I don't think a period would work after Thursday, as I don't think a simile can really carry over in to two sentences. I might just cut the comma after Thursday, or use some sort of colon to show that it isn't a part of the Holiday list.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
Reply
#9
A semi-colon might work to provide the necessary clarification. In fact, yeah, I think that fixes it.
Reply
#10
A colon is the answer.

A semi-colon used as a super-comma is grammatically correct, but it would still be
confusing on a first read as a semi-colon at the end of a line of poetry is almost
always being used as a conjunction.

It does bother me somewhat that there's no indication as to who the people are that
think St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays are limp obligations. Leaving this
out implies you think everybody views them as such.  Since my friends and relatives
love these holidays and usually (9 out of 10) have a rollicking good times (probably
too much so on New Year's*),  it doesn't make much sense to extend it to everyone.
Though, of course, freedom of opinion is a universal right.

An old couple that has sex once a week (though Thursday, instead of Saturday, is a bit odd)
is pretty fucking amazing. Nothing limp about that!

* "New Year's" is an abbreviation for "New Year's Eve" so it really needs an apostrophe.

ray
almost terse
Reply
#11
I thought the gag was clearly expressed, and I'm saying that to be helpful, and not because it's funny to say. Actually, it's a bit of both
A yak is normal.
Reply
#12
Thanks for the feedback guys, I've changed the title, and I think it better reflects the content of the poem now. I'm still not sure what punctuation (if any, even though I definitely pause) would work best at the end of the line.
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
Reply
#13
(05-23-2015, 05:08 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Thanks for the feedback guys, I've changed the title, and I think it better reflects the content of the poem now. I'm still not sure what punctuation (if any, even though I definitely pause) would work best at the end of the line.

When in doubt, put two dashes:

Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday --
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.
almost terse
Reply
#14
(05-23-2015, 01:03 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:  
(05-23-2015, 05:08 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Thanks for the feedback guys, I've changed the title, and I think it better reflects the content of the poem now. I'm still not sure what punctuation (if any, even though I definitely pause) would work best at the end of the line.

When in doubt, put two dashes:

Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday --
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.

Or a really long one.
Reply
#15
(05-23-2015, 02:01 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  
(05-23-2015, 01:03 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:  
(05-23-2015, 05:08 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Thanks for the feedback guys, I've changed the title, and I think it better reflects the content of the poem now. I'm still not sure what punctuation (if any, even though I definitely pause) would work best at the end of the line.

When in doubt, put two dashes:

Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday --
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.
Or a really long one.

Yeah, well, if you're willing to go find an em dash that's fine.
The slang for em dash (lazy people's slang) is two hyphens. Smile
almost terse
Reply
#16
(05-24-2015, 07:56 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  
(05-23-2015, 02:01 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  
(05-23-2015, 01:03 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:  
When in doubt, put two dashes:

Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday --
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.
Or a really long one.

Yeah, well, if you're willing to go find an em dash that's fine.
The slang for em dash (lazy people's slang) is two hyphens. Smile
Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday —
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.
Tongue
Reply
#17
(05-25-2015, 05:58 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  
(05-24-2015, 07:56 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  
(05-23-2015, 02:01 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Or a really long one.

Yeah, well, if you're willing to go find an em dash that's fine.
The slang for em dash (lazy people's slang) is two hyphens. Smile
Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday —
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.
Tongue

Show off!
almost terse
Reply
#18
Yes, that does work well Smile
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
Reply
#19
(05-10-2015, 01:57 PM)Wjames Wrote:  Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday —
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.

this almost  reads as a simili, personally i'd change [like] to [to]
other than that i like it for it's universal truthfulness that old people don't shag as much as they'd really want to if they could.
Reply
#20
(05-26-2015, 12:41 PM)billy Wrote:  
(05-10-2015, 01:57 PM)Wjames Wrote:  Like an old couple that always has sex on Thursday —
St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, and Birthdays
are limp obligations.


this almost  reads as a simili, personally i'd change [like] to [to]
other than that i like it for it's universal truthfulness that old people don't shag as much as they'd really want to if they could.

It was a simile, I dislike all the holidays where you're sort of forced to party (most probably disagree).
"A hippopotamus is just a really cool opatamus."
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!