Let It Bleed

[Erthona]

Let It Bleed
 
“The Wall”
we thought
of self-absorbed victim-hood
the top;
as Waters mutilated his mug,
using self pity as a drug,
bemoaning the fact that
his father was not there,
having died so his son might live,
to sit knee deep in fame,
while crying out in misery
of his isolation and fake pain.
 
That narcissistic apex would have to wait
for the coming of Frida Kahlo’s  patron saint,
the Madonna-whore of moral taint.
Unfortunately for poor Frida,
a pole rammed through the pelvis
gave validity to her complaint,
hardly the same as the legions
that adored her —suffering—
as though she was a kindred spirit.
There is not the slightest hint
of any similarity between her pain
and their moanings;
which have more to do
with not getting what they want,
than any missing need.
"They say their wound is internal,
I say let it bleed!"
 
Erthona
 
©2009-2015

[RiverNotch]

Let It Bleed
 
“The Wall”
we thought
of self-absorbed victim-hood
the top; Kinda confused about the syntax of this sentence. '"The Wall" we thought of self-absorbed victim-hood the top;' Eh? Might be missing a comma or something.
as Waters mutilated his mug,
using self pity as a drug, Kinda annoying that the rhyme here, though it feels like it should sound forced, doesn't. My interpretation suggests that it works because "mutilate" is such a strong word, but then doing it to a mug sounds so impotent, driving what I see is the point of the poem, which is the, er, pointless vanity of the somewhat obscene, but admittedly still very cool, music; and the next line is simply natural.
bemoaning the fact that Sudden weak ending. Would move "that" to the next line, then maybe add a little something to the rather plain "bemoaning the fact".
his father was not there, "not there" sounds kinda unfulfilled. A more poetic word might bring this line more flavor. 
having died so his son might live,
to sit knee deep in fame, I disagree with sitting, here. I mean, the image is good, but I imagine this sort of fame to involve a lot more standing than sitting (that is, an artist of this sort would wallow in his fame with much more style than this) -- maybe "to stand waist deep in fame"? Although sitting could also somehow work, since it does kinda evoke the movie, too...I guess my issue would simply be with "knee deep", then. Yes, yes it is -- to "sit knee deep" sounds too passive, lacking in either the aforementioned 'style', or a real punchy sort of image (as in "wallowing in shit", the punch that I'm talking about).
while crying out in misery
of his isolation and fake pain. "in misery of his isolation and fake pain" I'm not very sure that's how the word 'misery' works. "Fake pain" sort of breaks it for me -- I think something else, like putting the word pain in quotes, would give the same air of sharpness without ruining the rhythm.
 
That narcissistic apex would have to wait The word "narcissistic" seems too long and long-sounding for it to work, here. The only other word with that sense of sound here, I think, is "isolation", but at least that isn't all s's, and is in a line two syllables shorter.
for the coming of Frida Kahlo’s  patron saint, I don't get it....
the Madonna-whore of moral taint. ...and with my (minimal) knowledge of Frida's art and life (but no, I did not here about her from the movie, just read about her), I feel kind of offended about this. Then again, the mythosophist in me says this is a good thing, but ech.
Unfortunately for poor Frida,
a pole rammed through the pelvis
gave validity to her complaint, Love these three lines. The first is kinda funny; the second, really awesome play of the literal and the figurative; and the third, very biting.
hardly the same as the legions
that adored her —suffering— I can't tell if the em dashes here are along the same lines as the "fake pain" of line twelve. If so, I'd be sort-of offended; from what I've read about her, such a portrait would be grossly inaccurate.
as though she was a kindred spirit. Ha! Burn.
There is not the slightest hint
of any similarity between her pain Oh, I guess I missed this, with my note on "narcissistic" before -- though the length isn't as gross here, I still feel "similarity" here should be a shorter word.
and their moanings; Maybe a comma instead? The semicolon is too clean a break for these two closely related, but not wholly independent, thoughts.
which have more to do This line sounds a lot like a piece of filler then anything else, a connector which, perhaps, can be distributed to its neighboring lines.
with not getting what they want,
than any missing need.
"They say their wound is internal,
I say let it bleed!" I was hoping for a Rolling Stones reference here (first thing that came to mind on seeing the title). But wait....nope, can't be sure. Also, who said the quote? Or is that part of the lyrics of one of the album's songs?
 
Erthona
 
©2009-2015

[Erthona]

Thanks RN (I did read your latest, but I had no idea what you were referencing so I left no comments, so it seems we are somewhat in the same boats.)

for the coming of Frida Kahlo’s patron saint, I don't get it....
the Madonna-whore of moral taint.

This is a pop cultural reference, "Madonna" the "singer" being Frida's patron saint (TNC). There is the queen of self absorption, Madonna, and then all of her little middle aged rich women followers who are as equally as self absorbed. They have taken Frida as their own thinking that they identify with her pain, when they have nothing of the sort. So that is the reference.

I like the punctuation corrections. However, on the air quotes, I prefer not to use them in formal writing unless the narrator is a valley girl, something along those line where the air quotes are endemic to the species.

Anyway, I just wanted to comment on these few things and to thank you for a very nice critique which I will certainly utilize when looking at the revision.

Dale

[Brownlie]

Let It Bleed
 
“The Wall”  -- Not sure if this is a specific reference.
we thought
of self-absorbed victim-hood
the top;
as Waters mutilated his mug,
using self pity as a drug,
bemoaning the fact that
his father was not there, -- I'm not sure who you're talking about here.
having died so his son might live,
to sit knee deep in fame,
while crying out in misery
of his isolation and fake pain.
 
That narcissistic apex would have to wait
for the coming of Frida Kahlo’s  patron saint, -- This seems most intriguing to me because I can peg something to the ideas.
the Madonna-whore of moral taint.
Unfortunately for poor Frida,
a pole rammed through the pelvis
gave validity to her complaint,
hardly the same as the legions
that adored her —suffering—
as though she was a kindred spirit.
There is not the slightest hint
of any similarity between her pain
and their moanings;
which have more to do
with not getting what they want,
than any missing need.
"They say their wound is internal,
I say let it bleed!"
 
Erthona
 
©2009-2015

I sort of like the misapplied Frida iconography and there is a definite rousing on the last line, but there is also too much vagueness (unless I'm missing specific references). 

[Erthona]

Brownlie,

Waters is Roger Waters of Pink Floyd and "The Wall" refers to "Pink Floyd – The Wall" a "1982 British live-action/animated musical film". Pink Floyd "The Wall"  It was written by Roger Walters and possibly being semi-autobiographical. It was similar in scope if not in content to the Who's "Tommy".
Ringer had not long before published his best selling book "Looking Out for #1". By the mid 70's the Baby Boomers had put aside the traditional values based on self sacrifice and moved towards what they called self-fulfillment, which was just a fancy way of saying self-absorbed and self-centered. I was using the Waters of the film (character name "Pink") as the character representing the first wave of this kind of thinking. However, there was still some non-self based morality in these people. Thus we had to wait a while until the second wave (with no redeeming characteristics) came along, the representative of such was Madonna: a manipulative, insincere, hedonist. The perfect leader for the second coming of the "me generation". Hopefully that will clear up some of the references.    

Maybe others will weigh-in on how obscure they think these references are. Before now, I never really considered them to be so, but maybe it is something I should consider.

Thanks for you comments,


Dale 

[Anne]

Hi Dale, what came to my mind first with "The Wall" was the Vietnam Wall because of Komunyakaa's famous poem, Facing It.

Anne