Posts: 33
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2015
ALD
You run the racetrack round my mind,
and you run fast as hell.
You visit me, you bless my dreams,
but I guess you can't tell.
To verbalize, to do and die,
I'll f--k this up right quick...
If I don't say, there's no someday.
One feeling I can't trick.
To creep out from your leftmost brain,
to burrow in the right.
I crave your touch throughout the day
but wouldn't mind the night.
I guess I might, today, or not.
Please help me from above.
My tongue will twist. And die. And rot.
Just please don't say it's love.
Cause if it is.... F--k me, I wish I was simple
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
You run the racetrack round my mind,
and you run fast as hell.
You visit me, you bless my dreams,
but I guess you can't tell.
To verbalize, to do and die,
I'll f--k this up right quick...
If I don't say, there's no someday.
One feeling I can't trick.
To creep out from your leftmost brain,
to burrow in the right.
I crave your touch throughout the day
but wouldn't mind the night.
I guess I might, today, or not.
Please help me from above.
My tongue will twist. And die. And rot.
Just please don't say it's love.
Cause if it is.... F--k me, I wish I was simple
The last four line stanza sounds the best. The last lines of the first two stanzas don't come off as well. There's a disconnected, choppy logic to the lines that don't work so well either, especially since you're rhyming.
Posts: 19
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2015
I think you could find a better rhymes in stanza 2 - "quick" and "trick", "trick" seems rather forced and unnatural to the poem, perhaps different word choice would help.
How about switching around the third stanza and changing it up a bit?
"I crave your touch throughout the day,
Even more so by night;
To creep out from inside your brain,
To move from left to right."
I'm not sure, it's just a thought about how you could change that stanza around a bit. For me, the 'leftmost brain to the right' bit didn't really make much sense.
I really enjoyed the first stanza and the last, the final stanza sounds particularly excellent read aloud.
Good work mate
Posts: 11
Threads: 2
Joined: Apr 2015
Nice slalom between pained yearning and a subtle sense of humour. I do agree that the word "trick" in the second stanza doesn't quite flow, but I think you should leave the third stanza as is, the suggested alternatives subdue the humour of it.
But hey, I'm a novice, so I'm not really comfortable telling people how to articulate their soul, haha.
You run the racetrack round my mind,
and you run fast as hell.
You visit me, you bless my dreams,
but I guess you can't tell.
To verbalize, to do and die,
I'll f--k this up right quick...
If I don't say, there's no someday.
One feeling I can't trick.
To creep out from your leftmost brain,
to burrow in the right.
I crave your touch throughout the day
but wouldn't mind the night.
I guess I might, today, or not.
Please help me from above.
My tongue will twist. And die. And rot.
Just please don't say it's love.
Cause if it is.... F--k me, I wish I was simple
In the first stanza, I'm distracted from the content of the poem by the use of 'and' and 'but' to start the second and forth lines. Conjunctions at the beginning of lines aren't necessarily a bad thing, but with the way they're visually stacked on top of each other makes it difficult for me to dig into the start of the poem. Once I'm able to make my eyes focus past the initial "what am I looking at here" though, I think the content is solid. I'd suggest maybe starting line two with a descriptive verb to break it up a bit.
I really enjoy the third stanza, especially the concept of moving from one side of a person's brain to the other. It subtly suggests a strong desire by the narrator to foster creativity, and therefore passion, in their subject, and those lines combined with the physically focused third and forth lines makes the depth of the narrator's wishes feel more encompassing.
The only part of the poem I guess I don't 'get' (a term I personally hate, but I'm not sure how else to describe my confusion here) is the "I wish I was simple" after the last line's "F--k me". I get that the narrator wishes they were a simpler person in terms of how they are analyzing their situation, but I don't get the impression from the rest of the poem that the narrator is heavily analyzing the situation...instead I have the idea that they already know what they could or could not do (speak vs. not speak to the object of their desire) and are indecisive about what they should do.
Posts: 7
Threads: 2
Joined: May 2015
hey there, this is my first comment or post of any sort here so feel free to disregard.
anyway, i really enjoy your last stanza the most. there's an easiness to it that i don't feel from the others, as if you've finally settled into yourself there. it feels less stilted than the other stanzas.
in terms of the first and second ones (the ones i would choose to critique the most), they just feel a bit ... overcommitted. like you're trying way too hard to stick with the rhyme and rhythm and are sacrificing content in the process. maybe try writing down this feeling in the simplest, most honest way possible, and then work backwards from there to fit the rhyme and rhythm back in. right now it doesn't seem genuine. feels sort of robotic and awkward.
but i enjoy some of the images here, ("to creep out from your leftmost brain" is nice) and there's a certain amount of humor and personality that i think you should capitalize on (i really actually like the "and you run fast as hell" part of the first stanza, it just sounds sort of strangled by the end of that stanza.) put more of yourself into it, i think this poem should be personal for you and at the moment it doesn't feel that way.
thanks for posting!
-ajax
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