Early Edit 0.01 Ellz, river

[tectak]

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye, the carrion  crow
comes craving, raucous, raiding.She cleaves the dawn
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words
escape through sashes open-cracked, up to the misted sky.

She flinches, as if pricked by flea, when sight or sound
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a  twist in mock distress, she calls
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns,
a single quill flat-spins to ground... morning has passed to man.

Still things of blood - furred, feathered or spined -
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads; all gone before the fox awakes.
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night.

Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river  beds; the mares from night plume golden mists to lift
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired;
shimmered and shivered in to the working day.

See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple
sheds the shroud, where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air. April morn has brought an early spring.
tectak
April 2015

[ellz483]

So much alliteration! Your writing is very energetic, which does do a good job of painting a "word picture," but it can sometimes be overwhelming and detract from the message you're trying to send. I have the same problem in my own writing. I try to remember to "fall in love with what I'm saying, not just with the words I'm saying."

I thought the ending was really good. The pacing seems to slow down, and be a bit more palatable than some of the content in the preceding stanzas. "...where naked branches starkly sway; a gentle shifting in the air. April has brought an early spring." I thought that did an excellent job of getting your picture and message across. Simple, but to the the point. Keep writing!

[tectak]

So much alliteration! Your writing is very energetic, which does do a good job of painting a "word picture," but it can sometimes be overwhelming and detract from the message you're trying to send. I have the same problem in my own writing. I try to remember to "fall in love with what I'm saying, not just with the words I'm saying."

I thought the ending was really good. The pacing seems to slow down, and be a bit more palatable than some of the content in the preceding stanzas. "...where naked branches starkly sway; a gentle shifting in the air. April has brought an early spring." I thought that did an excellent job of getting your picture and message across. Simple, but to the the point. Keep writing!

Yes, ellz.
I was having fun with this one. Some alliteration most go...though after writing poetry for 50 years I heed your advice and will "keep writing".Keep critting.
tectak

[RiverNotch]

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye the carrion crow Technically, "glinty" isn't a word, and you're missing a comma, I think. Suggested alternative: "Beetle-black with guilty glinting eye, the carrion crow". The spondee at the start works well.
comes craving; raucous raider, she cleaves the dawn "Cawing" would be more vivid here, since the thought of the crow being hungry here doesn't really matter anyway. The pyrrhic in the middle sounds awkward. Another stressed syllable here would make this more consistent with the rest of the poem.
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words Note that this is a syllable short (but the number of stresses is perfect). If you want to make this more consistent--but in this case, I don't think you need to.
escape through sashes open-cracked, up in to misted sky. "Misty" works just as well, and there is something a bit off with "misted sky" -- maybe it's because when something is "misted", it's either misted by a subject, or just plainly misted up.

She flinches like the flea has pricked when sight or sound "like the flea has pricked"? What does that mean? 
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a twist in mock distress, she calls "A twitch" and "a twist in mock distress" sounds unnecessarily redundant. Perhaps change up the first line, make the sight or sound more vivid, and continue that idea to bulk up this line, removing "a twitch"?
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns, Though the alliteration at the end is nice, this is a foot longer than the rest, bogging this scene down. A plain "she falls" would work, though the image of tumbling is, for me, too irresistible to remove, and a feminine ending for this sudden morbid break in thought might add a bit more to the work's complexity: "to warn, but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed, she tumbles,". However, the rhyme-spondee "Flash! Dashed" with the image of the gun right before works perfectly.
a single quill spin-falls... another morning has passed to man. Another foot too long, with clunky prosody (and two extra stresses: "a SINgle QUILL SPIN-FALLS... aNOther MORNing has PASSED to MAN"). Though I can see what "spin-falls" means, it's still an awkward way to word it, and, at least for me, a bit of a cliche. Something plain would work better, I think, then "another morning has passed to man", or "another morning's passed to man".

Still things of blood, skinned, feathered or spined, Weird line. One and a half feet deficient, with only five stresses, and an unnecessarily heavy middle section: "still THINGS of BLOOD, SKINNED, feaTHERED, or SPINED". The image is a bit muddy, too, especially with "skinned" shows the corpses had their skins removed, while "feathered or spined" showing that they hadn't; yes, "skinned" can also mean "has skin", but "skinned" in that sense is always used in combination with a modifier, and animals with feathers or spines also have skins. Perhaps "Still bloody corpses, bare-skinned or feathered or spined,"?
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads, but gone before the fox awakes. This is eight feet. Way, way too long compared to the rest of the poem, with the description being a bit drab. "lie spread and flat on tar grit roads" can definitely be shortened.
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked One foot too long -- "to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked" can probably be shortened.
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night. "dead of night" does not sound right, especially with the story being already set in a morning-context. The semicolon could be replaced with a comma. One foot too long.

Far afield, the dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp Note that "full stretched" takes a bit of a stretch to be an iamb.
as river beds, the mares from night plume golden mists to lift This image is a bit of stretch to read. The drays are set up as the sentence's subject, yet they never connect with the predicate (and drays are carts; they don't necessarily include the horses, and they never are just horses -- plus, it's even more of a stretch to think that both horse and cart are so dappled, if you really meant both); "the mares from night plume golden mists to lift" is odd, since that either means the horses are farting/burping, playing with the mists (though with their drays being stretched out, this sounds off -- the mares won't be there unless they were the ones who drove the drays, and they wouldn't run around with their carts just being there), or being, actually, the horses of the moon/sun, pulling the dawn into the scene (but that would be a much bigger stretch). Change or clarify this. Also, one foot too long.
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired; Wait, the mares "plume golden mists to lift themselves into the sun"? That sounds ridiculous. And the second image again evokes, for me, the image of horses passing gas. Also, one foot too long.
shimmered and shivered in to the working day. Prosody's a bit off: "SHIMmered and SHIVered INto the WORKing DAY." [b]The semicolon of the line before should be a comma. This line kind of works, but with the earlier lines of this stanza, this also doesn't really fit. [/b]

See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl Prosody's perfect, though I'll need a second judgement on "See now how God" -- I can't tell if that's "SEE NOW how GOD" or "see NOW how GOD".
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple Prosody's off: "and SCUrry through DOVE-COOED OAKS. LOOK where the STEEPle". On a more subjective note, the image of the very human drays does not blend well with the later image of the very natural-divine image of the dawn -- The earlier stanza should either remove the image of the drays, or be more balanced line-wise with the transition (two lines for the human, two lines for the return of the morning).
sheds the shroud, where naked branches starkly sway; Note that this is one syllable short, at the beginning. The image, though, is beautiful, and works really well.
a gentle shifting in the air. April has brought an early spring. Fair ending. This is two syllables too long -- the length doesn't fit, I think, such a light (in the sense of bright and uplifting) ending. "a gentle shifting in the air" could definitely be shortened into the just as clear "a gentle wind" -- "a gentle wind. April has brought an early spring." I have to say, though, throughout the poem, [b]I did not expect spring -- I somehow expected something bright,[b] sure, but this jump from the post-vespertine to the pre-vernal is quite the jump.[/b][/b]

In general, your mix of alliteration and accentual-syllabic verse is amazing (and, besides the flops with the meter, really, really natural), and your imagery is solid, without being overwrought. Thanks for the really, really good read!

[tectak]

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye the carrion crow Technically, "glinty" isn't a word, and you're missing a comma, I think. Suggested alternative: "Beetle-black with guilty glinting eye, the carrion crow". The spondee at the start works well.
comes craving; raucous raider, she cleaves the dawn "Cawing" would be more vivid here, since the thought of the crow being hungry here doesn't really matter anyway. The pyrrhic in the middle sounds awkward. Another stressed syllable here would make this more consistent with the rest of the poem.
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words Note that this is a syllable short (but the number of stresses is perfect). If you want to make this more consistent--but in this case, I don't think you need to.
escape through sashes open-cracked, up in to misted sky. "Misty" works just as well, and there is something a bit off with "misted sky" -- maybe it's because when something is "misted", it's either misted by a subject, or just plainly misted up.

She flinches like the flea has pricked when sight or sound "like the flea has pricked"? What does that mean? 
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a twist in mock distress, she calls "A twitch" and "a twist in mock distress" sounds unnecessarily redundant. Perhaps change up the first line, make the sight or sound more vivid, and continue that idea to bulk up this line, removing "a twitch"?
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns, Though the alliteration at the end is nice, this is a foot longer than the rest, bogging this scene down. A plain "she falls" would work, though the image of tumbling is, for me, too irresistible to remove, and a feminine ending for this sudden morbid break in thought might add a bit more to the work's complexity: "to warn, but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed, she tumbles,". However, the rhyme-spondee "Flash! Dashed" with the image of the gun right before works perfectly.
a single quill spin-falls... another morning has passed to man. Another foot too long, with clunky prosody (and two extra stresses: "a SINgle QUILL SPIN-FALLS... aNOther MORNing has PASSED to MAN"). Though I can see what "spin-falls" means, it's still an awkward way to word it, and, at least for me, a bit of a cliche. Something plain would work better, I think, then "another morning has passed to man", or "another morning's passed to man".

Still things of blood, skinned, feathered or spined, Weird line. One and a half feet deficient, with only five stresses, and an unnecessarily heavy middle section: "still THINGS of BLOOD, SKINNED, feaTHERED, or SPINED". The image is a bit muddy, too, especially with "skinned" shows the corpses had their skins removed, while "feathered or spined" showing that they hadn't; yes, "skinned" can also mean "has skin", but "skinned" in that sense is always used in combination with a modifier, and animals with feathers or spines also have skins. Perhaps "Still bloody corpses, bare-skinned or feathered or spined,"?
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads, but gone before the fox awakes. This is eight feet. Way, way too long compared to the rest of the poem, with the description being a bit drab. "lie spread and flat on tar grit roads" can definitely be shortened.
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked One foot too long -- "to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked" can probably be shortened.
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night. "dead of night" does not sound right, especially with the story being already set in a morning-context. The semicolon could be replaced with a comma. One foot too long.

Far afield, the dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp Note that "full stretched" takes a bit of a stretch to be an iamb.
as river beds, the mares from night plume golden mists to lift This image is a bit of stretch to read. The drays are set up as the sentence's subject, yet they never connect with the predicate (and drays are carts; they don't necessarily include the horses, and they never are just horses -- plus, it's even more of a stretch to think that both horse and cart are so dappled, if you really meant both); "the mares from night plume golden mists to lift" is odd, since that either means the horses are farting/burping, playing with the mists (though with their drays being stretched out, this sounds off -- the mares won't be there unless they were the ones who drove the drays, and they wouldn't run around with their carts just being there), or being, actually, the horses of the moon/sun, pulling the dawn into the scene (but that would be a much bigger stretch). Change or clarify this. Also, one foot too long.
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired; Wait, the mares "plume golden mists to lift themselves into the sun"? That sounds ridiculous. And the second image again evokes, for me, the image of horses passing gas. Also, one foot too long.
shimmered and shivered in to the working day. Prosody's a bit off: "SHIMmered and SHIVered INto the WORKing DAY." [b]The semicolon of the line before should be a comma. This line kind of works, but with the earlier lines of this stanza, this also doesn't really fit. [/b]

See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl Prosody's perfect, though I'll need a second judgement on "See now how God" -- I can't tell if that's "SEE NOW how GOD" or "see NOW how GOD".
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple Prosody's off: "and SCUrry through DOVE-COOED OAKS. LOOK where the STEEPle". On a more subjective note, the image of the very human drays does not blend well with the later image of the very natural-divine image of the dawn -- The earlier stanza should either remove the image of the drays, or be more balanced line-wise with the transition (two lines for the human, two lines for the return of the morning).
sheds the shroud, where naked branches starkly sway; Note that this is one syllable short, at the beginning. The image, though, is beautiful, and works really well.
a gentle shifting in the air. April has brought an early spring. Fair ending. This is two syllables too long -- the length doesn't fit, I think, such a light (in the sense of bright and uplifting) ending. "a gentle shifting in the air" could definitely be shortened into the just as clear "a gentle wind" -- "a gentle wind. April has brought an early spring." I have to say, though, throughout the poem, [b]I did not expect spring -- I somehow expected something bright,[b] sure, but this jump from the post-vespertine to the pre-vernal is quite the jump.[/b][/b]

In general, your mix of alliteration and accentual-syllabic verse is amazing (and, besides the flops with the meter, really, really natural), and your imagery is solid, without being overwrought. Thanks for the really, really good read!

Hi river,
thanks for all of this...as you know, I eat all crit and there is, on occasion, something to digest. As here.
First, the disclaimers. "glinty" IS a word. You can check. I did before I used it in 1972. A "dray" IS a horse, as well as a cart, a gelding or a mare. You can check..I did before I used the word in 1990.The "mares of night" is a pointlessly gratuitous play on "nightmares"...as is the "dead" of night against "dead of night" cliche.
The flea. Birds have fleas. Jays "ant" to remove them, swallows carry out a little rapid shimmy/shake in flight. Larger birds "twitch" when pricked (bitten) in flight and whilst on the ground. All observed behaviour. Crows are particularly aware of sights and sounds such that any sharp disturbance will set them in to the air, or, if already flying, will cause them to suddenly veer from their path. You only need to clap your hands or thrust a hand skyward to observe this reflexive "twitch". The effect is as if bitten or "pricked" by an on-board flea.
I am concerned over your equine anatomical limitations Horses plume from both ends and poetically one would hope that it not necessary to indicate breath pluming with effort. Frankly, I have never observed a pluming fart but if you say so
The rest, as they say, will be history, as I incorporate. The meter is of less concern with this piece of chopped up prose but I will try to clean up my act.
Many thanks for your well considered comments.
Best,
tectak

[RiverNotch]

Hi river,
thanks for all of this...as you know, I eat all  crit and there is, on occasion, something to digest. As here.
First, the disclaimers. "glinty" IS a word. You can check. I did before I used it in 1972. A "dray" IS a horse, as well as a cart, a gelding or a mare. You can check..I did before I used the word in 1990.The "mares of night" is a pointlessly gratuitous play on "nightmares"...as is the "dead" of night against "dead of night" cliche.
The flea. Birds have fleas. Jays "ant" to remove them, swallows carry out a little rapid shimmy/shake in flight. Larger birds "twitch" when pricked (bitten) in flight and whilst on the ground. All observed behaviour. Crows are particularly aware of sights and sounds such that any sharp disturbance will set them in to the air, or, if already flying, will cause them to suddenly veer from their path. You only need to clap your hands or thrust a hand skyward to observe this reflexive "twitch". The effect is as if bitten or "pricked" by an on-board flea.
I am concerned over your equine anatomical limitations Horses plume from both ends and poetically one would hope that it not necessary to indicate breath pluming with effort. Frankly, I have never observed a pluming fart but if you say so
The rest, as they say, will be history, as I incorporate. The meter is of less concern with this piece of chopped up prose but I will try to clean up my act.
Many thanks for your well considered comments.
Best,
tectak

Technically -- and by technically, I guess I meant "as a grammar nazi (or spell-check program)". Anyway, I checked "dray", and, at least from what I checked (wikipedia, online merriam-webster's, free-dictionary), dray really does just refer to the cart; for it to refer to the horse, it has to be "dray horse" -- and at that point of the poem, with the current wording, the imagery could go either way. I still recommend changing or clarifying that part.

I suppose I should have caught the play in "mares of night", but with all the animals running about, my mind was set on viewing them as actual mares -- the gratuity there, in this sense, is a bit out-of-place. I definitely should also have caught the "dead of night" note, though, haha.  

I have heard that birds have fleas -- the comment then was on "like the flea has pricked" kind of didn't make sense, as the verb didn't have an object (but you've since changed that, I see). 

Finally, maybe no pluming farts, but pluming sharts, sure. xP 

[tectak]

Hi river,
thanks for all of this...as you know, I eat all  crit and there is, on occasion, something to digest. As here.
First, the disclaimers. "glinty" IS a word. You can check. I did before I used it in 1972. A "dray" IS a horse, as well as a cart, a gelding or a mare. You can check..I did before I used the word in 1990.The "mares of night" is a pointlessly gratuitous play on "nightmares"...as is the "dead" of night against "dead of night" cliche.
The flea. Birds have fleas. Jays "ant" to remove them, swallows carry out a little rapid shimmy/shake in flight. Larger birds "twitch" when pricked (bitten) in flight and whilst on the ground. All observed behaviour. Crows are particularly aware of sights and sounds such that any sharp disturbance will set them in to the air, or, if already flying, will cause them to suddenly veer from their path. You only need to clap your hands or thrust a hand skyward to observe this reflexive "twitch". The effect is as if bitten or "pricked" by an on-board flea.
I am concerned over your equine anatomical limitations Horses plume from both ends and poetically one would hope that it not necessary to indicate breath pluming with effort. Frankly, I have never observed a pluming fart but if you say so
The rest, as they say, will be history, as I incorporate. The meter is of less concern with this piece of chopped up prose but I will try to clean up my act.
Many thanks for your well considered comments.
Best,
tectak

Technically -- and by technically, I guess I meant "as a grammar nazi (or spell-check program)". Anyway, I checked "dray", and, at least from what I checked (wikipedia, online merriam-webster's, free-dictionary), dray really does just refer to the cart; for it to refer to the horse, it has to be "dray horse" -- and at that point of the poem, with the current wording, the imagery could go either way. I still recommend changing or clarifying that part.

I suppose I should have caught the play in "mares of night", but with all the animals running about, my mind was set on viewing them as actual mares -- the gratuity there, in this sense, is a bit out-of-place. I definitely should also have caught the "dead of night" note, though, haha.  

I have heard that birds have fleas -- the comment then was on "like the flea has pricked" kind of didn't make sense, as the verb didn't have an object (but you've since changed that, I see). 

Finally, maybe no pluming farts, but pluming sharts, sure. xP 

Ah...technically is it? :
This from wiki.
Dray may refer to: Dray (name); Dray, a type of wagon; A dray horse, also known as a draft horse · Dray Prescot series, science fiction novels; Dray (or drey, the ...
Technically.
Skinned. Bloody right. I was wrong. Thinking frogged....err...fogged. Should be "furred". The "misted" sky stays. I didn't want the meteorologically incorrect "misty" sky. The sky is 50 miles of clear blue air...which has a "misted" appearence when obscured by ...er...mist. Misted mirror if you get my metaphorical drift.
Best,
tectak

[RiverNotch]

Still, wikipedia says "dray horse", not "dray (horse)". You don't say "drafts" for "draft horses", do you? (do you? Now that I think about it....) Anyway, I shouldn't really press on it too much, and yeah, I catch the drift -- misty sky would be kinda wrong. (although, ahem, clouds are nothing but mist, but that's way beside the point, and a bit of a joke.) Furred is real great, too, with the alliteration on the line there.

[tectak]

Still, wikipedia says "dray horse", not "dray (horse)". You don't say "drafts" for "draft horses", do you? (do you? Now that I think about it....) Anyway, I shouldn't really press on it too much, and yeah, I catch the drift -- misty sky would be kinda wrong. (although, ahem, clouds are nothing but mist, but that's way beside the point, and a bit of a joke.) Furred is real great, too, with the alliteration on the line there.

You helped.That is what this forum is for.
Best,
tectak
(what about the dashes?)

[RiverNotch]

(I think they clarified "Still, things of blood - furred...", but they look kinda awkward on the other end. Poem'd seem cleaner all the way without them.)

[tectak]

(I think they clarified "Still, things of blood - furred...", but they look kinda awkward on the other end. Poem'd seem cleaner all the way without them.)

Hmmm. I do not like dashes except when necessary. I do not necessarily know when they are necessary -nor does that jury known to be permanently out.
I tend to go with John Whale and his "Put it in writing" bible...two dashes for additional explanatory information, single starting dash for "enjoinders" (rare) and never a single ending dash.
Hmmm.
Best,
tectak

[Leah S.]

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye, the carrion  crow
comes craving, raucous, raiding.She cleaves the dawn
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words
escape through sashes open-cracked, up to the misted sky.
She flinches, as if pricked by flea, when sight or sound
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a  twist in mock distress, she calls
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns,
a single quill flat-spins to ground... morning has passed to man.
Still things of blood - furred, feathered or spined -
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads; all gone before the fox awakes.
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night.
Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river  beds; the mares from night plume golden mists to lift
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired;
shimmered and shivered in to the working day.
See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple
sheds the shroud, where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air. April morn has brought an early spring.
tectak
April 2015

I really like this. The alliteration and line breaks in some places remind me of Anglo-Saxon poetry, and in others of Gerard Manley Hopkins. As far as crit: I have some concerns about your enjambment...could do with a review. While looking for rhymes, I spotted 'spined' and 'spiked' in S2 and eagerly looked for more such pairs. Alas, it was not to be. On just my own account I really want the steeple to "shred" the shroud, not "shed" it, so I spent some time looking for alternatives to "shreds" in S3 and came up with "shards." Don't feel like you have to change it just for me, but I had such a lovely image of the morning mist being parted by the steeple, and also I kept reading it as "shreds" even after I knew it wasn't.
You also change tone from line to line quite a bit, in particular here:
"....where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air." from "starkly" to "gentle" is a rather athletic jump. Let's take a look at your choice of descriptive words----
Beetle-black, glinty, guilty, craving, raucous, raiding, cleaves, rasping,-----
and that's just in the first stanza. If you are going to do that switch, I think you need to be more deliberately mindful about where you place it, and the contrast should be intentional, designed to affect your reader.
Last nit: I have trouble with your syntax in S4. I love the initial image conflating horses with steam engines, but keep stumbling over "shimmered and shivered". I think it might be the tense shift  from 'lie', 'plume', 'lift', and 'steam', to "shivered and shimmered".  I have no problem with this tense shift;
"Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river  beds;" because it is clear that it refers only to the horses and what they have been doing all night, but in the other phrase, you move from the comparison to the descriptive phrase which, since it follows after the comparison, must refer to both the steam engine and the horses and what they are doing now. May I suggest just using "shimmer" and "shiver" to match the tense of "they steam" ? Also in the last sentence, I think it should be "into" not "in to."
I feel the need to say again, "Good poem!" Carry on.

[tectak]

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye, the carrion  crow
comes craving, raucous, raiding.She cleaves the dawn
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words
escape through sashes open-cracked, up to the misted sky.
She flinches, as if pricked by flea, when sight or sound
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a  twist in mock distress, she calls
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns,
a single quill flat-spins to ground... morning has passed to man.
Still things of blood - furred, feathered or spined -
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads; all gone before the fox awakes.
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night.
Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river  beds; the mares from night plume golden mists to lift
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired;
shimmered and shivered in to the working day.
See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple
sheds the shroud, where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air. April morn has brought an early spring.
tectak
April 2015

I really like this. The alliteration and line breaks in some places remind me of Anglo-Saxon poetry, and in others of Gerard Manley Hopkins. As far as crit: I have some concerns about your enjambment...could do with a review. While looking for rhymes, I spotted 'spined' and 'spiked' in S2 and eagerly looked for more such pairs. Alas, it was not to be. On just my own account I really want the steeple to "shred" the shroud, not "shed" it, so I spent some time looking for alternatives to "shreds" in S3 and came up with "shards." Don't feel like you have to change it just for me, but I had such a lovely image of the morning mist being parted by the steeple, and also I kept reading it as "shreds" even after I knew it wasn't.
You also change tone from line to line quite a bit, in particular here:
"....where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air." from "starkly" to "gentle" is a rather athletic jump. Let's take a look at your choice of descriptive words----
Beetle-black, glinty, guilty, craving, raucous, raiding, cleaves, rasping,-----
and that's just in the first stanza. If you are going to do that switch, I think you need to be more deliberately mindful about where you place it, and the contrast should be intentional, designed to affect your reader.
Last nit: I have trouble with your syntax in S4. I love the initial image conflating horses with steam engines, but keep stumbling over "shimmered and shivered". I think it might be the tense shift  from 'lie', 'plume', 'lift', and 'steam', to "shivered and shimmered".  I have no problem with this tense shift;
"Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river  beds;" because it is clear that it refers only to the horses and what they have been doing all night, but in the other phrase, you move from the comparison to the descriptive phrase which, since it follows after the comparison, must refer to both the steam engine and the horses and what they are doing now. May I suggest just using "shimmer" and "shiver" to match the tense of "they steam" ? Also in the last sentence, I think it should be "into" not "in to."
I feel the need to say again, "Good poem!" Carry on.

Hi leah,
thanks for this. You come at me from the sun which means I do not see you until it is too late...however; in order of importance, then.
Enjambment. I am happy to change line breaks on critical demand...provided I afford the same munificence to everyone. For me, anything subjective MUST have rules which work more often than they fail. That usually guarentees a consensus (collective term) of crits; the best one can hope for. My principal yardstick in unmetered poetry is simple. Never enjamb on uncertainty. If you must enjamb the reader should be able to predict what the first word on the next line could be.
so:
.........as damp
AS grass.
or:
......the carrion crow
COMES craving...
or:
...where the steeple
SHEDS the shroud

OK. It is a rule of mine. I break it.
Next principal. Note to self. Read it loud and listen . The question is can one READ the enjambment without sounding unnaturally staccato, or even implying a pseudo-caesura? In this area I often fail...but it is not for want of trying. Suggestions please.

Shreds? Hmmm. I quite like that. It was not what I saw, but maybe.

I disagree on the juxtaposition of starkly and gentle. They are parameters of a different order and do not mutually exclude anymore than, say " He was a short man, with a piercing voice" The "athletic" leap from "short" to "piercing" is not problematical because one does not conflict with the other. "starkly" and "gentle" likewise; moreso, I believe, as the modifiers refer to different subjects, branches and air. I rest my case.

The S4 syntax. Yes. You are more right than wrong. To be simplistically correct I suppose I should say "shimmering and shivering in to the working day" but I specifically determined to link "shimmered and shivered" to horse not engine; to that end I think that shimmered and shivered are more equine than engyne

Lastly, that old chestnut "into" or "in to". Someone has a rule. I use "in to" when I want it to be read as two words. I use "into" when I want it to be read as one word. By read, of course, I mean read outloud...er...or out loud. Ahem.

Changes will come. Credited.
Many thanks,
tectak

[tectak]

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye, the carrion  crow
comes craving, raucous, raiding.She cleaves the dawn
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words
escape through sashes open-cracked, up to the misted sky.
She flinches, as if pricked by flea, when sight or sound
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a  twist in mock distress, she calls
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns,
a single quill flat-spins to ground... morning has passed to man.
Still things of blood - furred, feathered or spined -
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads; all gone before the fox awakes.
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night.
Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river  beds; the mares from night plume golden mists to lift
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired;
shimmered and shivered in to the working day.
See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple
sheds the shroud, where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air. April morn has brought an early spring.
tectak
April 2015

I really like this. The alliteration and line breaks in some places remind me of Anglo-Saxon poetry, and in others of Gerard Manley Hopkins. As far as crit: I have some concerns about your enjambment...could do with a review. While looking for rhymes, I spotted 'spined' and 'spiked' in S2 and eagerly looked for more such pairs. Alas, it was not to be. On just my own account I really want the steeple to "shred" the shroud, not "shed" it, so I spent some time looking for alternatives to "shreds" in S3 and came up with "shards." Don't feel like you have to change it just for me, but I had such a lovely image of the morning mist being parted by the steeple, and also I kept reading it as "shreds" even after I knew it wasn't.
You also change tone from line to line quite a bit, in particular here:
"....where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air." from "starkly" to "gentle" is a rather athletic jump. Let's take a look at your choice of descriptive words----
Beetle-black, glinty, guilty, craving, raucous, raiding, cleaves, rasping,-----
and that's just in the first stanza. If you are going to do that switch, I think you need to be more deliberately mindful about where you place it, and the contrast should be intentional, designed to affect your reader.
Last nit: I have trouble with your syntax in S4. I love the initial image conflating horses with steam engines, but keep stumbling over "shimmered and shivered". I think it might be the tense shift  from 'lie', 'plume', 'lift', and 'steam', to "shivered and shimmered".  I have no problem with this tense shift;
"Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river  beds;" because it is clear that it refers only to the horses and what they have been doing all night, but in the other phrase, you move from the comparison to the descriptive phrase which, since it follows after the comparison, must refer to both the steam engine and the horses and what they are doing now. May I suggest just using "shimmer" and "shiver" to match the tense of "they steam" ? Also in the last sentence, I think it should be "into" not "in to."
I feel the need to say again, "Good poem!" Carry on.

Hi leah,
thanks for this. You come at me from the sun which means I do not see you until it is too late...however; in order of importance, then.
Enjambment. I am happy to change line breaks on critical demand...provided I afford the same  munificence to everyone. For me, anything subjective MUST have rules which work more often than they fail. That usually guarantees a consensus (collective term) of crits; the best one can hope for. My principal yardstick in unmetered poetry is simple. Never enjamb on uncertainty. If you must enjamb the reader should be able to predict what the first word on the  next line could be.
so:
.........as damp
AS grass.
or:
......the carrion crow
COMES craving...
or:
...where the steeple
SHEDS the shroud

OK. It is a rule of mine. I break it.
Next principal. Note to self. Read it loud and listen . The question is can one READ the enjambment without sounding unnaturally staccato, or even implying a pseudo-caesura? In this area I often fail...but it is not for want of trying. Suggestions please.

Shreds? Hmmm. I quite like that. It was not what I saw, but maybe.

Rhymes. Do not look for them, they are not there.

I disagree on the juxtaposition of starkly and gentle. They are parameters of a different order and do not mutually exclude anymore than, say " He was a short man, with a piercing voice" The "athletic" leap from "short" to "piercing" is not problematical because one does not conflict with the other. "starkly" and "gentle" likewise; moreso, I believe, as the modifiers refer to different subjects, branches and air. I rest my case.

The S4 syntax. Yes. You are more right than wrong. To be simplistically correct I suppose I should say "shimmering and shivering in to the working day"  but I specifically determined to link "shimmered and shivered" to horse not engine; to that end I think that shimmered and shivered are more equine than engyne

Lastly, that old chestnut "into" or "in to". Someone has a rule. "into" for direction (walked into the shop") , "in to" for everything else ( water in to wine, handed himself in to the police).  I use "in to"  when I want it to be read as two words. I use "into" when I want it to be read as one word. I am, unsurprisingly, quite wrong, quite often. By "read", of course, I mean read outloud...er...or out loud. Ahem.

Changes will come. Credited.
Many thanks,
tectak

---

Still, wikipedia says "dray horse", not "dray (horse)". You don't say "drafts" for "draft horses", do you? (do you? Now that I think about it....) Anyway, I shouldn't really press on it too much, and yeah, I catch the drift -- misty sky would be kinda wrong. (although, ahem, clouds are nothing but mist, but that's way beside the point, and a bit of a joke.) Furred is real great, too, with the alliteration on the line there.

No. Wiki says:

Dray may refer to: A dray horse (We grammar Nazis stick together)
Best,
tectak

[Anne]

The poem's intent is a little unclear to me.  I understand that this crow wakes up before people and even the foxes so that it can find carrion.  Is the bird shot or is it a gunshot that startles it?  "Morning has passed to man" is quite nice but I'm assuming that means, the crow was shot.  But then I'm confused because the dead animals (or bird) on the highway are gone before the fox can get to them, so then I assume the crow is alive.  Can you clarify all this in the writing?

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye, the carrion  crow (Is "glinty" enough? What is the crow guilty of?)
comes craving, raucous, raiding.She cleaves the dawn (space between period and S)
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words (why "rasping"?)
escape through sashes open-cracked, up to the misted sky.

She flinches, as if pricked by flea, when sight or sound ( the pricked part throws me)
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a twist in mock distress, she calls (What is it that distresses the crow?)
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns,
a single quill flat-spins to ground... morning has passed to man. (I like this line if it fits the scene.)

Still things of blood - furred, feathered or spined -
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads; all gone before the fox awakes. (must be a complete sentence after a semi colon)
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night. (This works nicely but again - full sentence needed after a semi colon.)

Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river beds; the mares from night plume golden mists to lift (omit the "to"?)
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired;
shimmered and shivered in to the working day. (full sentence needed after semi colon. Does "shivered"
make sense?)

See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple
sheds the shroud, where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air. April morn has brought an early spring.

I like this last stanza and how God is brought in.  I'm a bit confused as to who all the ghosts belong to.  Is the speaker trying to imply something about people he / she lost?  Was the carrion dead people?  Maybe work on the theme a bit more.

I hope some of this is useful to you,

Anne  
tectak
April 2015

[tectak]

The poem's intent is a little unclear to me.  I understand that this crow wakes up before people and even the foxes so that it can find carrion.  Is the bird shot or is it a gunshot that startles it?  "Morning has passed to man" is quite nice but I'm assuming that means, the crow was shot.  But then I'm confused because the dead animals (or bird) on the highway are gone before the fox can get to them, so then I assume the crow is alive.  Can you clarify all this in the writing?

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye, the carrion  crow (Is "glinty" enough? What is the crow guilty of?) Don't know. That's the thing about looking guilty
comes craving, raucous, raiding.She cleaves the dawn (space between period and S)Oops
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words (why "rasping"?) Hoarse voices on awaking...probably a snoring night, awakened by tbe bloody squawking crow...I will swing for the bugger that wakes me at 5am every day!
escape through sashes open-cracked, up to the misted sky.

She flinches, as if pricked by flea, when sight or sound ( the pricked part throws me) Yep...it throws a flying crow, too.
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a twist in mock distress, she calls (What is it that distresses the crow?) Nothing. That is why it is mock distress. Anything that indicates potential danger elicits a distress response in birds. A sudden sound or movement will do it
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns,
a single quill flat-spins to ground... morning has passed to man. (I like this line if it fits the scene.)

Still things of blood - furred, feathered or spined -
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads; all gone before the fox awakes. (must be a complete sentence after a semi colon)
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night. (This works nicely but again - full sentence needed after a semi colon.)

Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river beds; the mares from night plume golden mists to lift (omit the "to"?) but then it makes no sense
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired;
shimmered and shivered in to the working day. (full sentence needed after semi colon. Does "shivered"
make sense?) Yes. Horses do that when they wake and stand. Subtle point, though. Used to "relate" to horse not engine.

See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple
sheds the shroud, where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air. April morn has brought an early spring.

I like this last stanza and how God is brought in.  I'm a bit confused as to who all the ghosts belong to.  Is the speaker trying to imply something about people he / she lost?  Was the carrion dead people?  Maybe work on the theme a bit more. See end

I hope some of this is useful to you,

Anne  
tectak
April 2015

Hi anne,Though I agree that I have too many semicolons the coverall reason is  not the one you give.

A semicolon can replace conjunctions "and" or "but".
Semicolons indicate a stronger separation than a comma but weaker than a period.
A semicolon is often used in lists to separate items when some of the items in listed subsets require commas.
The semicolon is always followed by a lower case letter with proper nouns being the only exception (proper nouns are always capitalized).
Semicolon use can be applied to separate two clauses or sentences that are saying the same thing in different ways.
Still credit. I will edit.
Schroedinger's crow. It matters not one jot whether the crow is alive or dead. A gun went off, a feather fell. Man is afoot.
Dead. Another crow, magpie or whatever gets the carrion.
Alive. Yep. It's our crow snacking on the slaughter.

British Dictionary.com
wraith
/reɪθ/
noun
1.
the apparition of a person living or thought to be alive, supposed to appear around the time of his death
2.
a ghost or any apparition
3.
an insubstantial copy of something
4.
something pale, thin, and lacking in substance, such as a column of smoke

The rest is eaten by me...crit is always edible.
Thanks,
tectak

[Anne]

Tectak, thanks for the semicolon lesson. The teacher who taught me must have been wrong.

As for the poem I truly was confused by many parts and had no idea about "Schrodinger"s" crow (wiki spells it this way).
I guess it's up to you as to whether you want more readers to understand what you're going for.

Anne

[RiverNotch]

Well, I just grew to love this poem a good deal more. New thoughts (or old ones restated), and without criticizing the prosody (as much):

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye, the carrion  crow
comes craving, raucous, raiding.She cleaves the dawn Can't help but feel that a semi-colon would be better here; the two images are closely related.
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words
escape through sashes open-cracked, up to the misted sky. I missed "sashes" in my earlier read. I'm not asking for any changes or anything, since it sounds perfect, but I can't quite visualize what those "sashes" are. May you explain?

She flinches, as if pricked by flea, when sight or sound I don't think the gentle rhythm here would be broken if you added a grammatically clean "a" before that "flea" -- "she FLINches, as if PRICKED by a FLEA..."
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a  twist in mock distress, she calls
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns, Maybe a comma before "but"? I think it's grammatically correct, and I'm sure it develops a soft pause before that crucial thought, which would perhaps add to the tension.
a single quill flat-spins to ground... morning has passed to man. Something's still off with the unusual plainness of "flat-spins"...it just sounds so, well, flat, and a bit awkward, since the image, I think, deserves a full line to really, properly describe. Plain "falls to the ground" should be enough here -- whether the spinning is imagined by the reader or not is, I think, irrelevant.

Still things of blood - furred, feathered or spined -
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads; all gone before the fox awakes. It's not that after a semicolon it should be a full sentence, it's just that a semicolon should divide more independent thoughts in its general usage. Here, however, it's being used as a clearer version of a comma, what with the kinda awkward syntax presented by the arrangement of the clauses, though it's still quite the double take before the point is taken, at least for me. Not that a change is that necessary, anyway -- I can't think of any way to preserve the arrangement of thoughts while changing the clause positions so.
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night. I reiterate: the semicolon could be replaced with a comma: the ideas here aren't so independent as to be so separated (it is, after all, just a passage of time). And now that the play on words with "dead of night" here is clear to me, I appreciate this line much more.

Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river  beds; the mares from night plume golden mists to lift The syntax here is much, much, much better, and I'm reading the drays as "dray horses", now, though I still think that in general usage, it shouldn't work that way. Anyway, "the mares of night" isn't as clear as I'd like it to be on them mares being (or not being) the same drays as earlier (maybe because, as noted, being "full-stretched" also implies a lack of movement), and I still can't stop seeing the farts -- I have never seen breath-plumes colored gold, though gold-colored sharts....
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired;
shimmered and shivered in to the working day. Now, I think, the semicolons here are fully unnecessary. Even if the modifiers here directly relate to the mares, with the full stop of the last sentence, such a conflation is immediately rejected regardless of the semicolon; and besides, there is nothing wrong with elaborating on the nature of the engines here, instead, since the reader, I guess, would see the equivalent image on the mares too.

See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple I take my earlier, more subjective note back: with the clarifications on the syntax of the earlier stanza, the images of these two lines are sublime.
sheds the shroud, where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air. April morn has brought an early spring. I still think the sudden shift from post-vespertine to pre-vernal here is off....again, the winter isn't even hinted on the earlier lines, so why suddenly introduce this idea into the poem? Unless you mean to change our points of view, in which case it somehow works, but it doesn't work as well as with either using a more generalized conclusion, or at least just summing up the whole of the plain dawn.

Overall, still amazing sound, and with the crucial clarifications on the fourth stanza, much, much better. Thanks again for the good read!

[tectak]

Tectak, thanks for the semicolon lesson. The teacher who taught me must have been wrong.

As for the poem I truly was confused by many parts and had no idea about "Schrodinger"s" crow (wiki spells it this way).
I guess it's up to you as to whether you want more readers to understand what you're going for.

Anne

Correct me if am wrong, anne...but are your hackles up? No need if so, I assure you. I do not do obscure, as everyone here knows from my many years of posting. It is a mantra of mine. I prefer clarity over anything else but credit all readers with the ability to decipher the decipherable...I hope that is clear.
To contra, I think no less of those who are "truly confused" but appreciate the confession.
Typo on Schrodinger is of little consequence as everyone knows it was a cat. As I said, credit where due and in due course.
Best,
tectak

---

Well, I just grew to love this poem a good deal more. New thoughts (or old ones restated), and without criticizing the prosody (as much):

Beetle-black with glinty, guilty eye, the carrion  crow
comes craving, raucous, raiding.She cleaves the dawn Can't help but feel that a semi-colon would be better here; the two images are closely related.
still wrapped in dreams of sleeping souls. Rasping words
escape through sashes open-cracked, up to the misted sky. I missed "sashes" in my earlier read. I'm not asking for any changes or anything, since it sounds perfect, but I can't quite visualize what those "sashes" are. May you explain?

She flinches, as if pricked by flea, when sight or sound I don't think the gentle rhythm here would be broken if you added a grammatically clean "a" before that "flea" -- "she FLINches, as if PRICKED by a FLEA..."
disrupts her flight. A twitch, a  twist in mock distress, she calls
to warn but draws the early gun. Flash! Dashed she tumble-turns, Maybe a comma before "but"? I think it's grammatically correct, and I'm sure it develops a soft pause before that crucial thought, which would perhaps add to the tension.
a single quill flat-spins to ground... morning has passed to man. Something's still off with the unusual plainness of "flat-spins"...it just sounds so, well, flat, and a bit awkward, since the image, I think, deserves a full line to really, properly describe. Plain "falls to the ground" should be enough here -- whether the spinning is imagined by the reader or not is, I think, irrelevant.

Still things of blood - furred, feathered or spined -
lie spread and flat on tar grit roads; all gone before the fox awakes. It's not that after a semicolon it should be a full sentence, it's just that a semicolon should divide more independent thoughts in its general usage. Here, however, it's being used as a clearer version of a comma, what with the kinda awkward syntax presented by the arrangement of the clauses, though it's still quite the double take before the point is taken, at least for me. Not that a change is that necessary, anyway -- I can't think of any way to preserve the arrangement of thoughts while changing the clause positions so.
Wings whiffle down to empty lanes and hide in hawthorn spiked
in white; then swoop to swallow shreds of red from dead of night. I reiterate: the semicolon could be replaced with a comma: the ideas here aren't so independent as to be so separated (it is, after all, just a passage of time). And now that the play on words with "dead of night" here is clear to me, I appreciate this line much more.

Far afield lie dappled drays, full stretched on grass as damp
as river  beds; the mares from night plume golden mists to lift The syntax here is much, much, much better, and I'm reading the drays as "dray horses", now, though I still think that in general usage, it shouldn't work that way. Anyway, "the mares of night" isn't as clear as I'd like it to be on them mares being (or not being) the same drays as earlier (maybe because, as noted, being "full-stretched" also implies a lack of movement), and I still can't stop seeing the farts -- I have never seen breath-plumes colored gold, though gold-colored sharts....
themselves into the sun. They steam like engines coaled and fired;
shimmered and shivered in to the working day. Now, I think, the semicolons here are fully unnecessary. Even if the modifiers here directly relate to the mares, with the full stop of the last sentence, such a conflation is immediately rejected regardless of the semicolon; and besides, there is nothing wrong with elaborating on the nature of the engines here, instead, since the reader, I guess, would see the equivalent image on the mares too.

See now how God awakes and breaks the wraiths that swirl
and scurry through dove-cooed oaks. Look where the steeple I take my earlier, more subjective note back: with the clarifications on the syntax of the earlier stanza, the images of these two lines are sublime.
sheds the shroud, where  naked branches starkly sway;
a gentle shifting in the air. April morn has brought an early spring. I still think the sudden shift from post-vespertine to pre-vernal here is off....again, the winter isn't even hinted on the earlier lines, so why suddenly introduce this idea into the poem? Unless you mean to change our points of view, in which case it somehow works, but it doesn't work as well as with either using a more generalized conclusion, or at least just summing up the whole of the plain dawn.

Overall, still amazing sound, and with the crucial clarifications on the fourth stanza, much, much better. Thanks again for the good read!

Hi river,
No to the first semicolon. Sashes...sash windows. They can be "cracked" open to let a gentle stream of air in...and sound out. That is all. I began with "the flea" tried "flea" will try "a flea" but may end up with "fleas"...
"flat-spin" is an aeronautical term for a stalled fall. In that sense only it adequately describes a falling feather.
Semicolons need looking at. You are not alone.
The poem is called "Early". It is an attempt to indicate how one bright and early hour in April triggers an equally early spring. That is all. I don't do obscure.
Thanks again,
tectak