Midnight Afloat
#1
This is my first sonnet.


Midnight Afloat

She wishes to take a midnight stroll in town,
to catch the sight of what is going to change.
A mellow smile with a twinkle in the eyes remains,
she clutches the faith and belief with fearless eyes.

The scars of vanity embrace the doubt of the past,
a bottle of teary history is gone with rain.
She gazes at the sky and wonders where is the pain,
the abyss of blue speaks the joy with spark.

A ride on the metro leads to a different will,
the pressure below the surface whispers to her mind.
“Do not be afraid.” the old man smirks with the pill,
“Are we predestined to find the essence of life? ”

The memory goes and the stream of time will flow,
and the fragment of fear will shade into countless roads.
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#2
The voice in this piece needs a lot of work. Are you reading your work out loud?

Despite the fact that it doesn't sound very good, i thought it was going ok. You were doing a lot of showing. A lot of visuals. That's awesome.

Then something happened and the rest of the poem was trite (from my perspective).

(03-30-2015, 02:53 PM)kwokfreya Wrote:  “Do not be afraid.” the old man smirks with the pill,
“Are we predestined to find the essence of life? ”

The memory goes and the stream of time will flow,
and the fragment of fear will shade into countless roads.

The fragment of fear will shade into countless roads? Come on now. Where is this coming from. What fear. What roads. Why is it fragmented. etc etc etc

You did all of this awesome Show-Not-Tell, but then your emotional/philosophical conclusion didn't match what you were showing me. The conclusions you reached were too abstract. As the reader, you've gotta hold my hand, take me through your thinking.

Hope that helps. Have an awesome day.
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#3
(03-30-2015, 02:53 PM)kwokfreya Wrote:  This is my first sonnet.


Midnight Afloat

She wishes to take a midnight stroll in town, 11 syllables
to catch the sight of what is going to change. 10
A mellow smile with a twinkle in the eyes remains, 13
she clutches the faith and belief with fearless eyes. 12

The scars of vanity embrace the doubt of the past, 13
a bottle of teary history is gone with rain. 12 if hist'ry is two syllables, 13 if his-tor-y is 3
She gazes at the sky and wonders where is the pain, 13
the abyss of blue speaks the joy with spark. 10

A ride on the metro leads to a different will, 12 with diff'rent, 13 with diff-er-ent
the pressure below the surface whispers to her mind. 13
“Do not be afraid.” the old man smirks with the pill, 12
“Are we predestined to find the essence of life? ”12

The memory goes and the stream of time will flow, 11 with mem'ry, 12 if mem-or-y
and the fragment of fear will shade into countless roads. 13

Hi - I think it's important to keep your syllable count the same in a sonnet. Most are written in iambic pentameter, which gives you 10 syllables to work with.

Also, your rhyme scheme needs attention - the first stanza has (near) rhymes in lines 2 and 3, the second stanza rhymes line 1 with line 4 and line 2 with line 3,
the third stanza rhymes line 1 with line 3 and line 2 with line 4. Each stanza should use the same rhyme scheme.


Have you had a look at the practice exercises here? There are examples and explanations of each type of sonnet (yours seems to be part Elizabethan, part Italian) and it's well worth your time to work through them. Thanks for posting this - I think with a bit of revision you'll have a first sonnet to be proud of.
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#4
Thank you so much for all those useful opinions and I am trying to improve by writing more.
I have amended it and I hope to see the comments on this Smile

Midnight Afloat

At night thou want to take thy stroll in town,
and tuck the ache away with fearless sound.
A mellow beam with blink in eyes remains,
to catch the sight of how to make a change.

The scars of pride embrace the doubt of past,
the joy with spark ascends from gorge of dark.
thou gaze thy pain and gape at how it sinks,
a jar of teary time is gone with rain.

A ride on train departs to other will,
“Do not be scared.” the pilgrim smirks with pill,
the noise below the ground rewinds the mind.
“Are we condemned to find the signs of life?”

perhaps it shows, in time the dread will go,
the broken brick, will lead to countless roads.
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#5
(04-01-2015, 04:59 AM)kwokfreya Wrote:  Thank you so much for all those useful opinions and I am trying to improve by writing more.
I have amended it and I hope to see the comments on this Smile

Midnight Afloat
At night thou want to take thy stroll in town,
and tuck the ache away with fearless sound.
A mellow beam with blink in eyes remains,
to catch the sight of how to make a change.

The scars of pride embrace the doubt of past,
the joy with spark ascends from gorge of dark.
thou gaze thy pain and gape at how it sinks,
a jar of teary time is gone with rain.

A ride on train departs to other will,
“Do not be scared.” the pilgrim smirks with pill,
the noise below the ground rewinds the mind.
“Are we condemned to find the signs of life?”

perhaps it shows, in time the dread will go,
the broken brick, will lead to countless roads.

You might not want to use the old-timey language, it makes you sound a bit stuffy, especially since the poem is in modern times. You also cut out some words in making the lines shorter which seemed to be important for the meaning. You have to be careful that syllable counting does not become too forced as rhyming can be. instead of simply cutting out words, you can try phrasing it in an entirely new way. In all, I think its decent, but you could still work on it a bit more.
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#6
(03-30-2015, 02:53 PM)kwokfreya Wrote:  This is my first sonnet.
Midnight Afloat
She wishes to take a midnight stroll in town, She takes a midnight stroll to town
to catch the sight of what is going to change. To see what  is going to change.
A mellow smile with a twinkle in the eyes remains, A mellow smile and twinkling eyes remain.
she clutches the faith and belief with fearless eyes.
The scars of vanity embrace the doubt of the past,
a bottle of teary history is gone with rain.This is confusing. Is it a bottle of liquor? How gone with the rain?
She gazes at the sky and wonders where is the pain,
the abyss of blue speaks the joy with spark.
A ride on the metro leads to a different will,
the pressure below the surface whispers to her mind.
“Do not be afraid.” the old man smirks with the pill,
“Are we predestined to find the essence of life? ”
The memory goes and the stream of time will flow,
and the fragment of fear will shade into countless roads.
Hi: above is a sample that if you eliminate some unnecessary words it is simpler to understand and better sentence structure.
Congratulations on trying your first sonnet,  there is great instruction material on this site which will help you. Good luck. Loretta
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#7
Great poem with insightful philosophy. However, verbiage is something needs working here.
In line 10, I think it's better to you "Don't" instead of "Do not" to convey a stronger and more axiomatic statement, yet retains a closer intimacy. The repetition of "a" and "the" is a bit obscure. Overall, a nice poem to think of!
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