Hollow.

[Nyxx]

Yay! First poem on the forum! I just finished this, looking forward to hearing what you guys think!
Hollow.
Where once there was sun—now, a black hole
I am empty-bellied,
Suffocating.
What’s left when you let go?

Without your breath,
I’m merely flesh.
Hollowing, dissolving—
becoming dust.

And you know, I swear we were happy.
I was enough.
At one point, when you looked at me,
It was love.

But darling, I don’t pray
And I certainly won’t start now.
Know I mean it when I say
That I hope you die alone.

[Todd]

Hi Nyxx,

Let me give you a few comments to consider:

Yay! First poem on the forum! I just finished this, looking forward to hearing what you guys think!

I'm going to look to the title to inform the imagery and content. When you use a simple title like hollow it gives you the ability to push even more with the imagery. Hollow works fine for a title. I notice you added a period to the end of it that's an interesting choice, not often done. It makes you pause in your reading. Like you've made a statement that explains everything. I may be reading into the punctuation, but choices matter.

Hollow.
Where once there was sun—now, a black hole--So the relationship once was light and warmth and now its a gaping maw that nothing can escape from. You may want to extent this metaphor a bit more in its own strophe.
I am empty-bellied,
Suffocating.--While I get the sense of how a black hole (universal hollow) can work with empty-bellied. I don't get the sense of suffocating from it. Trying to pull the speaker back into something destructive from which no light escapes sure. Pressure yes, but not necessarily suffocating. In any event, I'd consider bringing suffocating up a line. It doesn't hold the line well on its own.
What’s left when you let go?--This might be more provocative as a statement: "I'm what's left when you let go."


[b]I realize this is a bit for the novice forum so let me back off a little. 
[/b]

Without your breath,
I’m merely flesh.
Hollowing, dissolving—Consider losing hollowing, the repetition doesn't add much.
becoming dust.

And you know, I swear we were happy.

I was enough.
At one point, when you looked at me,
It was love.

But darling, I don’t pray
And I certainly won’t start now.
Know I mean it when I say
That I hope you die alone.--That's the sort of ending line that I like. Imprecatory love poetry.

I hope some of that helps.  

Best,

Todd

[Nyxx]

Thanks so much Todd! I love all the feedback, but feel free to let'er rip, no need to back off! I'm jumping back into writing poetry after an inexcusable hiatus, so I am rusty as hell!

I've been staring at this one for a week or so and couldn't figure what needed to change. I really enjoyed everything you had to say. The punctuation in the title was intentional I'm going to rework this and I'll post a revised version soon! Thanks again!

Hi Nyxx,

Let me give you a few comments to consider:

Yay! First poem on the forum! I just finished this, looking forward to hearing what you guys think!

I'm going to look to the title to inform the imagery and content. When you use a simple title like hollow it gives you the ability to push even more with the imagery. Hollow works fine for a title. I notice you added a period to the end of it that's an interesting choice, not often done. It makes you pause in your reading. Like you've made a statement that explains everything. I may be reading into the punctuation, but choices matter.

Hollow.
Where once there was sun—now, a black hole--So the relationship once was light and warmth and now its a gaping maw that nothing can escape from. You may want to extent this metaphor a bit more in its own strophe.
I am empty-bellied,
Suffocating.--While I get the sense of how a black hole (universal hollow) can work with empty-bellied. I don't get the sense of suffocating from it. Trying to pull the speaker back into something destructive from which no light escapes sure. Pressure yes, but not necessarily suffocating. In any event, I'd consider bringing suffocating up a line. It doesn't hold the line well on its own.
What’s left when you let go?--This might be more provocative as a statement: "I'm what's left when you let go."


[b]I realize this is a bit for the novice forum so let me back off a little. 
[/b]

Without your breath,
I’m merely flesh.
Hollowing, dissolving—Consider losing hollowing, the repetition doesn't add much.
becoming dust.

And you know, I swear we were happy.

I was enough.
At one point, when you looked at me,
It was love.

But darling, I don’t pray
And I certainly won’t start now.
Know I mean it when I say
That I hope you die alone.--That's the sort of ending line that I like. Imprecatory love poetry.

I hope some of that helps.  

Best,

Todd

[Julia.rose.q]

I too loved the ending! Unexpected, but suits the range of emotions in a breakup. The punch at the end also keeps it from waxing a bit too pathetic.

I'm not as experienced as Todd, but I have a thought to share on the idea of "suffocating" in the first stanza. Suffocating usually conjures images of something pressing on someone to cut off air supply (choking, drowning, pillow over the face, etc.), but suffocating is really the absence of oxygen and I think absence is the theme of that stanza.

If something is hollow the "stuff" that usually goes inside is absent; you said there was sunshine but now it's absent, and an empty belly is a kind of absence. So if you'd like to keep the suffocating idea, maybe recast it as no oxygen in your lungs/veins/blood/nostrils, or maybe there's simply no air to breath.

[Icon Zero]

I thought it was about death for the first two stanzas, but I suppose a relationship break-up is a form of death, or at least it feels that way.
I felt the tone went from pain to pettiness in the final two stanzas, but again, these are the emotions we go through in these situations.
However, I do love the final line. There's nothing better than a well put "fuck you" in a love/hate poem.

[billy]

hi nyxx;

the first line feels like it need to be split, i see you're using quatrains so if split it would give a five line first stanza. i'd suggest

Now, a black hole:

Where once there was sun
I am empty-bellied,
Suffocating.
What’s left when you let go?

i enjoyed the read but felt you could cut back the wordage a little to give some weight to it.

Yay! First poem on the forum! I just finished this, looking forward to hearing what you guys think!
Hollow.
Where once there was sun—now, a black hole
I am empty-bellied, i like the emotion this line shows
Suffocating.
What’s left when you let go?

Without your breath,
I’m merely flesh.
Hollowing, dissolving— could this line be better said. something along the lines of [a drying husk] you have lots to choose from it would also help to get rid of two [ing] words
becoming dust.

And you know, I swear we were happy. is [and you know] needed?
I was enough.
At one point, when you looked at me,
It was love.

But darling, I don’t pray
And I certainly won’t start now.
Know I mean it when I say these last two line are strong and don't beat about the bush,
That I hope you die alone.

[Gaslampfantasy]

There are various synonyms which you could use instead of hollow / hollowing: ones along the lines of vacant, void, empty, and so on.
As to having to -ing words in one line, that really is just a stylistic choice. There is no reason why you could not have an entire poem of them. Some of the Algonquin languages, I believe, use 'doing' words a lot more than nouns.

[alsayn]

I, too, am new to the forum! This is the first poem I opened and it's great, Nyx! I'm a bit late to the game and Todd's said most of what I would have, but I'll reiterate!

You start off with a lovely metaphor and contrast between light and dark, and specifically used astronomy metaphors. I'm not sure if those were random choices, but if they relate to the topic/background of the poem you should extend the metaphor throughout the poem. It might give you some more imagery to work with, because your title allows for broad interpretation. It might also allow for some other adjectives to use.

There's also a bit of disconnect between the first two stanzas that seems a bit insecure and lonely and the last two that are very assertive and badass.

Coming back after a hiatus is difficult, best of luck!