Sundays

[Tiger the Lion]

I don't want to edit the life out of this before hearing some of your thoughts. Call it respect. 
 Sundays
 
In a way I lost them both last year;
one to ashes, the other to dissolve
her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea.
 
What's hardest for me is the smell of bacon.
It ghosts me back
to Sunday mornings in '83
and Coronation Street roostering
it's theme song on colour TV.
 
Someone would shout, "Come in,
sit down, shut up, it's on",
and we'd come in,
sit down
and yap 'til it was done.
 
I stay away from bacon now,
but one of these Sundays
"I'll fry up a storm"
(as Dad would say),
and maybe even take some to Mom,
in hopes the smell still haunts her.

[cjchaffin]

I don't want to edit the life out of this before hearing some of your thoughts. Call it respect. 
 Sundays
 
In a way I lost them both last year; 
one to ashes, the other to dissolve
her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea. <-- excellent opening, drew me right in
 
What's hardest for me is the smell of bacon.
It ghosts me back <-- i like the use of "ghosts" here, it feels fresher than just saying "it took me back"
to Sunday mornings in '83
and Coronation Street roostering
it's theme song on colour TV.
 
Someone would shout, "Come in,
sit down, shut up, it's on",
and we'd come in,
sit down
and yap 'til it was done. <-- ^ i think you could do more with this strophe, it feels like filler
 
I stay away from bacon now,
but one of these Sundays
"I'll fry up a storm"
(as Dad would say),
and maybe even take some to Mom,
in hopes the smell still haunts her. <-- i keep getting stuck on this. it almost carries a malevolent tone to it rather than a reverent one, if that's what you're going for...if not, then i suppose it works just fine. i just think that "haunts" carries such a negative connotation to it that doesn't seem to fit here. 

hiya Paul. i like the conversational quality to this, it's a good balance of poetics and vernacular. i spent three glorious weeks in Scotland a few years ago and totally got hooked on Coronation Street! of course, we Americans steal everything good from British tv, so...   anywho, thanks for posting this, much enjoyed!

[Brownlie]

I don't want to edit the life out of this before hearing some of your thoughts. Call it respect. 
 Sundays
 
In a way I lost them both last year;
one to ashes, the other to dissolve
her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea.
 
What's hardest for me is the smell of bacon.
It ghosts me back 
to Sunday mornings in '83 -- There seems to be a metrical hiccup here, to me. Set in '83? Or a maybe a better word than set if you want that effect. 
and Coronation Street roostering -- This is compelling in a way.
it's theme song on colour TV. -- Maybe describe this sound more, if you feel inclined to do so. 
 
Someone would shout, "Come in,
sit down, shut up, it's on",
and we'd come in,
sit down
and yap 'til it was done.
 
I stay away from bacon now,
but one of these Sundays
"I'll fry up a storm"
(as Dad would say),
and maybe even take some to Mom,
in hopes the smell still haunts her.

I guess this is sort of a vignette dealing with grief. I think there is a vignette thread here, perhaps that will be useful. 

[Tiger the Lion]

Cj, thanks. You make some good points. The 3rd strophe can indeed be made meatier. The last line is giving me fits but I hope hope to resolve it.

Brownlie, thanks for the reminder about the vignette thread. I have read it before and it was very helpful with another piece. I will revisit it for sure. I think you're also correct about expanding on the sound.

Thanks for reading guys.
Paul

[Erthona]

I don't want to edit the life out of this before hearing some of your thoughts. Call it respect. 
 Sundays
 
In a way I lost them both last year;
one to ashes, the other to dissolve
her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea. (Does this sentence make sense? "I lost her last year to dissolve her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea." Plus, I fail to see how this shows they speaker "lost her".)
 
What's hardest for me is the smell of bacon.
It ghosts me back
to Sunday mornings in '83
and Coronation Street roostering  (I looked up "roostering" in two dictionaries and could not find it, the urban dictionary says it is "shitting" and "vomiting" at the same time. I am assuming you mean it to be "cries like a rooster?")
it's theme song on colour TV. (Color TV had been the norm for 20 years, so I am at a loss why this needs explication)
 
Someone would shout, "Come in,
sit down, shut up, it's on",
and we'd come in,
sit down
and yap 'til it was done.
 
I stay away from bacon now,
but one of these Sundays
"I'll fry up a storm" (seems like it should say, "I'll fry up a storm of it")
(as Dad would say), (This line is superfluous)
and maybe even take some to Mom,
in hopes the smell still haunts her. (Possibly, "In hope she is also, still haunted by that smell.")

There are just too many things British here to get the import of what you are saying. Such as I have no idea why Sunday mornings in 83' would in some way be special. Or why it is necessary to mention color TV in 1983. I also don't really relate because I never watched any soap operas, and rarely the morning news. I can see how these things would sort of stick together, such as "soap opera," breakfast (bacon)" and still living at home with your parents. I'm not sure this is accurate, but if it were, why should I need to guess where and under what circumstances this memory was formed?

Anyway, look forward to the rewrite,

Dale 

[Tiger the Lion]

I don't want to edit the life out of this before hearing some of your thoughts. Call it respect. 
 Sundays
 
In a way I lost them both last year;
one to ashes, the other to dissolve
her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea. (Does this sentence make sense? "I lost her last year to dissolve her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea." Plus, I fail to see how this shows they speaker "lost her".)
 
What's hardest for me is the smell of bacon.
It ghosts me back
to Sunday mornings in '83
and Coronation Street roostering  (I looked up "roostering" in two dictionaries and could not find it, the urban dictionary says it is "shitting" and "vomiting" at the same time. I am assuming you mean it to be "cries like a rooster?")
it's theme song on colour TV. (Color TV had been the norm for 20 years, so I am at a loss why this needs explication)
 
Someone would shout, "Come in,
sit down, shut up, it's on",
and we'd come in,
sit down
and yap 'til it was done.
 
I stay away from bacon now,
but one of these Sundays
"I'll fry up a storm" (seems like it should say, "I'll fry up a storm of it")
(as Dad would say), (This line is superfluous)
and maybe even take some to Mom,
in hopes the smell still haunts her. (Possibly, "In hope she is also, still haunted by that smell.")

There are just too many things British here to get the import of what you are saying. Such as I have no idea why Sunday mornings in 83' would in some way be special. Or why it is necessary to mention color TV in 1983. I also don't really relate because I never watched any soap operas, and rarely the morning news. I can see how these things would sort of stick together, such as "soap opera," breakfast (bacon)" and still living at home with your parents. I'm not sure this is accurate, but if it were, why should I need to guess where and under what circumstances this memory was formed?

Anyway, look forward to the rewrite,

Dale 

Thanks Dale. All good points. Colour TV doesn't really work as it might have when I first used '73. At that point the only colour TV in the house was in the main living room. But you're right- by '83, it makes less sense. There will indeed be a rewrite with as much as I can muster the skill to address. I can be an aimless editor of my own work and really wanted to get some thoughts on this before losing the feel I want. Thanks as always for your insights.
Paul

[RooktoKing]

I don't want to edit the life out of this before hearing some of your thoughts. Call it respect. 
 Sundays
 
In a way I lost them both last year;
one to ashes, the other to dissolve
her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea. I love the juxtaposition of ashes and dissolving-feels like two sides to the same coin, good for what you're trying to convey. Although safe, appropriate cups of tea feels a little too wordy
 
What's hardest for me is the smell of bacon.
It ghosts me back
to Sunday mornings in '83
and Coronation Street roostering
it's theme song on colour TV.good detail
 
Someone would shout, "Come in,
sit down, shut up, it's on",
and we'd come in,
sit down
and yap 'til it was done.I agree with the previous posters that there needs to be more here. This seems like an important memory that is integral to the poem, and it needs to be fleshed out more. Help your reader feel what you feel
 
I stay away from bacon now,
but one of these Sundays
"I'll fry up a storm"
(as Dad would say),
and maybe even take some to Mom,be decisive. maybe even sounds too wishy washy to get a strong emotional appeal
in hopes the smell still haunts her.

Overall, I think this has a lot of potential. I like how you use a smell memory to talk about the memory of your parents. However, I think there should be more tangible detail to really help the emotion come across to the reader. And don't be afraid to push the emotional envelope to really develop the feel of this poem.

[christophx]

I don't want to edit the life out of this before hearing some of your thoughts. Call it respect. 
 Sundays
 
In a way I lost them both last year;
one to ashes, the other to dissolve
her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea. Very interesting use of dissolve linked to sugars/tea. Unique phrasing
 
What's hardest for me is the smell of bacon.
It ghosts me back Love this phrase partnered with the previous line,
to Sunday mornings in '83
and Coronation Street roostering
it's theme song on colour TV. I feel this stanza really allows you to evoke a feeling of nostalgia, very appropriate
 
Someone would shout, "Come in,
sit down, shut up, it's on",
and we'd come in,
sit down
and yap 'til it was done. I feel that the shorter, more direct diction is powerful here in the way that it gives a sense of recollection/time passing (if that makes sense) Also, while the short diction is effective, painting the image more either in the previous stanza or this one may allow your readers to connect more
 
I stay away from bacon now,
but one of these Sundays
"I'll fry up a storm"
(as Dad would say),
and maybe even take some to Mom,
in hopes the smell still haunts her. You wrapped this up quite well, feeling wistful just reading it

Really interesting writing my friend, reading this made me feel a little sad but in a refreshing way. Thank you.

[Tiger the Lion]

I don't want to edit the life out of this before hearing some of your thoughts. Call it respect. 
 Sundays
 
In a way I lost them both last year;
one to ashes, the other to dissolve
her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea. Very interesting use of dissolve linked to sugars/tea. Unique phrasing
 
What's hardest for me is the smell of bacon.
It ghosts me back Love this phrase partnered with the previous line,
to Sunday mornings in '83
and Coronation Street roostering
it's theme song on colour TV. I feel this stanza really allows you to evoke a feeling of nostalgia, very appropriate
 
Someone would shout, "Come in,
sit down, shut up, it's on",
and we'd come in,
sit down
and yap 'til it was done. I feel that the shorter, more direct diction is powerful here in the way that it gives a sense of recollection/time passing (if that makes sense) Also, while the short diction is effective, painting the image more either in the previous stanza or this one may allow your readers to connect more
 
I stay away from bacon now,
but one of these Sundays
"I'll fry up a storm"
(as Dad would say),
and maybe even take some to Mom,
in hopes the smell still haunts her. You wrapped this up quite well, feeling wistful just reading it

Really interesting writing my friend, reading this made me feel a little sad but in a refreshing way. Thank you.

Thanks for reading and commenting Chris. I have some editing to do based on everyone's thoughts, but I'm pleased you enjoyed this 1st draft. Welcome to the site.
Paul